Do guys stop trying once they're in a relationship?

[Anonymous]

Its only been three months but I sort of feel like my boyfriend just loves to be around me now but doesn't try to bring up a conversation? when I bring up conversations, its not how it was when we were talking? (the comfortable stage)? Do they just stop trying after they get the girl? Should I approach him or ask him?

[sixstring]

"Do they stop trying after they get the girl?"

Yes, very much so. Not all men of course, but most.

When a guy is interested in a girl, his "goal" is to get with the girl

Guys realize that conversation is a key aspect to getting a girl's heart, so when they are in the courting phase, they use conversations as a means to "achieve his goal."

When he has "achieved" this, deep conversation isn't a means to an end anymore. So a lot stop with this.

Don't however, blame the guy for just "using" this to get to you. A lot of guys simply just don't realize that conversation like this will be important to the girl at any stage in the relationship.

The best thing for you to do, is to talk to him about him in a positive way. In general, when girls are upset a lot of them tend to bring it up in a accusatory way, like "you never talk to me anymore!" etc, because this will only put the guy in a defensive mode.

You can say something like "We used to have these deep conversations, but it doesn't happen that often anymore. I really enjoy them, and I'd like it if we could have them like we used to"; while smiling.

[Nightshade89]

Sixstring, I know you were trying to be helpful and your advice isn't wrong and it seems pretty sound. But at the end you wrote about how to ask him about said issue without sounding like he's to blame. And you added, "with a smile" at the end of the paragraph. This bothers me for a few reasons. Basically you're telling us that this is the way men are programmed, not much can be changed. But we as women have to change how we come across and to do it with a smile is very hypocritical.
If im furious at my man for no longer pursuing me the way he used to it's going to bother me at a deeper level where I sometimes can't control how I will come across to him and yea I might be harsh. So maybe the men can also make a little wiggle room for change and step up their game if they want to keep a woman.

[ReevesIMB]

if I found a nice girl, and is willing to try just as hard as me. no I wouldn't stop trying. but I have stop trying to pull women, and approaching them. I think could be spending more time on focusing doing better things with my energy.

there shouldn't be a problem with a girl approaching me. it really comes down to the guy you meet. how good your relationship will be.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Guys were taken care of most of their young life by mommy. They did whatever they needed to do to scrape by. Most don't outgrow that. Like Mom, you have to train him to do his "chores" like a child. Want conversation, you have to trade praise or sexual favors or listening to him prattle on about his favorite sports team. Etc. Guys don't sit around thinking about how to make other people happy unless there is a direct reward to them. That's more of how their brains are wired. Women go neurotic trying to do everything the right way to make everyone happy, that's how our stupid brains are wired.

You can't blame guys -- not putting in any effort when you can get away with it is really the life!

[sixstring]

There is so much wrong with this post.

Relationships nowadays usually revolve around one thing : What are the woman's needs and desires, what is that *she* wants from a man. And men should just suck it up because women are "the more evolved gender." We're taught that what we want, isn't important.

Do girls do everything their partner does without expecting something in return? Of course not! It's give and take. You want something, we want something, It's a simple give and take.

[sixstring]

It does happen that the woman gives more and the man takes more, but this is not because we're wired to do as little as possible to get by, or without having a reward straight away.

It is because our communication is way different. Men are straight-forward. When we want something, we simply ask for it. Our needs are very clear, so it's easy for a women to fulfill our needs. Women tend to commuinicate with an implied message rather than a direct one.

It does happen that the woman gives more and

[sixstring]

It's not that our brains aren't wired to think about your needs, it's that our brains are not wired to decode every subtle clue you throw at us.

And so when a guy doesn't do what she wants, she'll start to think he's selfish, he doesn't care, blablabla. But still, the woman will be too terrified to do one simple thing. Just asking for it.

For some reason a lot of you seem to think it will come over as selfish and it will put off the guy.

[sixstring]

Message starts with bottom one, ends with this one.

You don't need to treat is like kids. But rather, you need to treat us like men instead of treating us like women.

Just like men should put in more effort to understand a woman's needs and desires.

[Opinion Owner]

Meh. If being straightforward was all it took, guys wouldn't consider a woman asking him to do something "nagging." Many men don't like women who ask them for things. They want to be the way they want to be. Honestly, I think women do too. But we're told from the second we're born that our main purpose on earth is to make other people happy and to be helpful. That being said, I grew up in a rural area, so my perspective may be different than a young urbanite.

[Opinion Owner]

Also, your answer above corresponds to what I said here. Guy wants to get girl. Guy has conversations to reach a goal. Guy gets reward of getting girl. Guy stops behavior. That is an exact synopsis of guys having rewards-based behavior. Guys are wired to achieve, women are wired to build bonds.

[sixstring]

"Many men don't like women who ask them for things. " This is so.not.true. If he gets mad, it means that you did a female equivalent of asking.

Guys get angry when you try to force them to do something. Guys get angry when you try to manipulate them to do something. But when we love it when you literally ask in a positive way.

"Can you take me out Friday? I'd really love it."

Nagging is what happens when he doesn't respond straight away. If you ask over and over again.

[sixstring]

And you should learn to read. My explanation of a man's behavior corresponds to your explanation of a man's behavior.

But your reasoning as to what *causes* this behavior is way off. You imply that men are selfish and only do something when they get something in return.

Getting something in return motivates men, but it isn't a necessity. What is a necessity, is that women should communicate more clearly about their needs. If you women did that, you'd be amazed at how much he does for you.

Srlsy.

[Opinion Owner]

Essentially, though, you're still staying that a guy is only going to do the things you ask him to do on his terms. When he wants and the way he wants. Women ask men more than once, because the guy doesn't do them until he feels like it or until he forgets she asked. Also, guys tend to not be verbal or multitask, so it makes it easier for him to forget. Creating a "rewards-based" environment helps him automatically link two things, like conversation, sex and comfort.

[sixstring]

2/2

Men have this tendency that when we're busy and someone starts talking to us, we kinda go "yeah" "uhu" without really listening.

So on the guy's side, when a woman is mentioning something important, we should stop what we're doing and pay attention.

Like you said, we have trouble multi-tasking and women should take it in consideration. When there is something important, let him finish whatever he's doing. Wait until he has the least distraction, then start talking without losing eyecontact.

[sixstring]

PART 1

No, I said this might happen.

This applies more to smaller things like a chore in the house such as fixing a chair. Or things like wearing certain clothes. Because for those things it doesn't really matter how fast they are done.

When it comes to important issues, we'll listen much faster.

I do agree with you on the nagging part. But this is also a problem with the differences in communication, and again something where both parties have to take certain steps to make things go smoother.

[Opinion Owner]

"Being busy" also includes personal pursuits, not just "important" ones like playing video games, working out, watching tv, eating, reading a magazine. It's actually hard to find a time when a man isn't "busy" because guys minds only focus on one thing at a time. If you give a guy a bj every time he stops what he's doing and pays attention, he'll be a lot more likely to press pause on the video game to listen to you, because you've linked listening to blow jobs. Silly example, of course...

[sixstring]

Of course conditioning works better on men. That is no argument in your point that it only works.

If a man gives his wife flowers after every meal she cooks, she's going to cook meals more frequently. Does that mean she only cooks because she gets flowers?

Men.don't.always.need.reciprocation.

I agree that men should put in more effort to listen. But suggesting we only listen when we know we'll get something back is fallacious.

Making a women feel happy is fundamentally wired in a man's brain.

[Opinion Owner]

"Always" as in every single time. Probaby not. Most of the time, yes. You're not going to convince me that men, by nature, are altruistic. Women volunteer more and give more to charities, for instance. Women are more likely to be caregivers. Not being really responsive to other people's needs -- even when communicated -- doesn't make men bad. It just makes them men. Put it this way -- women wouldn't be as adept at helping others if our brains didn't respond to that kind of stimulation.

[sixstring]

No no no no no. We don't need reciprocation most of the time. Please get that idea out of your mind because it isn't true.

You cannot use charity as an argument. Charity is helping out complete strangers, often thousands of miles away. This is completely different then doing something for your partner.

Men don't do as much because we do not *understand* what it is the other person wants. Not because we don't care or we need reciprocation.

And there are VERY few people who are truly altruistic

[sixstring]

*need reciprocation more than women.

[Iwantanswers]

Real men never stop trying to impress his women. If anything the relationship should be getting stronger if there's a true connection between you two. When they stop trying kick them to the curb because he might not really be into you it might be want is he getting from you or gaining from you. Think about it.

[sixstring]

Read the above comments.

[danielm2009uk]

It depends on the guy, some do stop and that's the big mistake. A relationship is very hard work and incredibly difficult to maintain, Patience is also key on boths sides. If this guy isn't trying, he needs a bit of a wake-up slap.

[KnightinDarkArmor]

I never stop trying

[AlessandraRossa]

i don't believe it.

[KnightinDarkArmor]

Don't care