He loved her more than he loves me

[Anonymous]

i feel so silly posting this, but my boyfriend has this ex girlfriend of a year whom he absolutely loved to death. I was cleaning his closet one day and found a bunch of old love letters and poems and photographs. he's a musician so there were all these song lyrics and poems that were undoubtably about her and he said things like he'd kill for her. they moved in together towards for about 3 months and he said he wanted to start a life with her, that he wanted to be part of her life wherever she was. and that she was the best thing to ever happen to him. and he started saying this kind of stuff quite early in their relationship.

anyway, although we haven't been together for that long, I love him so much and I always leave little notes and send him texts and tell him I love him. but he only says I love you sometimes and responds to my notes in a very short brief kind of way. he doesn't talk about the future with me and kinda makes things into a joke if I bring it up. he says he's just not a sappy guy, but I know now that he is. just not with me.

he says he loves me, but I clearly love him more. they broke up about 5 or 6 months before we started dating. he says he doesn't love her anymore, but I'm afraid that all of his capacity to love deeply has been used up with her and there's nothing left for me.

i don't know whether I should just end this and save myself more heartbreak than what I already have.

[windyCitysFinest]

A real man will not put all of his "love" into one girl first off. A person has the capacity to love many people. You love your parents right? that's more than one person. Yes you can be deeply in love with someone but time makes those feelings go away trust me.

As for the little notes and texts I can say as a guy I hate when a girl says I love you and I miss you all the time. If you have only been dating a few weeks or months you need to give him time to love you more deeply. Love is not instant in most cases and it is earned much like respect. Maybe he doesn't want to talk about the future because he got burned with he last girl he was with. When you start talking about a future and the other person get burned like that it really makes them not want to talk about it for a while. You cannot be mad at him for "not loving you as much," that is unfair and you have caused your own anguish with this. It may be true but you cannot expect him to love you a certain amount that is an unfair expectation. I feel your pain though just give it more time and do not push anything upon him. He may have kept that stuff because maybe he is mad at her or something I doubt he reads it weekly or very often. seems like you were snooping through his private stuff once you start digging you cannot get mad at what you find.

[Anonymous]

Just my two cents. Going off what I'm reading here.

I'm sorry but this just sounds rough. It's good to see that you realize all people don't love the same amount. I once took a year before I get over a girl I was engaged to. Some people take longer especially if they really connected. It's like weening of heroin or some hard drug, sadly.

Despite what he says, it sounds like he is still hung up on her. Before breaking up with him maybe share these feelings with him. See what he says, how he responds. Tell him you love him but feeling this way is just hurting you.

Only thing worse than not having him is being a junior partner in a relationship, which sucks. Wondering if he'll ever love you like her. Only to be tossed for someone one he does connect with. Or WORSE, staying with you out of guilt essentially faking a relationship. If he doesn't see how hurt this makes you. How unfair this is to you. You need to move on. Don't feel silly, you sound like a catch and good GF. It sounds like you're putting effort into this and you deserve better.

[Pedantic]

Its not about you! He must have been heartbroken when it ended. He is damaged now and warms up far more slowly. It will be this way with any woman following such a disasterous experience after pouring his heart into her and losing her. It is going to be hard to trust after that. I'm surprised I'm the first answerer to mention it as obvious as it is.

You say you love him, but you're considering leaving him already to save yourself heartbreak over things he did not say, and over material he didn't ask you to read?

I think this is going to be a learning experience for you.

[cavmanier]

I think the passionate love (she's hot and great sex basically) he had for her will die down in a year to maybe a couple of years of being with someone. Maybe I'm being negative here but I don't think I would take it that seriously. If you feel like he's not that into you and mainly with you because he doesn't want to be single, and you want someone that's really serious about you I guess find a guy that really wants what you're looking for.