Breaking up with my live in boyfriend of 3 years. Am I doing the right thing?
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. Living together for 2 1/2. I adore him. I was originally attracted to his amazing sense of humor. He could make me laugh like no other. I was not thinking how hot he was. I was thinking how funny he was. And that made me begin to fall for him.
I want to be with him forever. BUT, I am going to break up with him. That sounds so crazy. Breaking up with someone I am madly deeply in love with. All day today I have been going over things in my head and I keep coming back to the same thing.
Deep down. I am not fully happy. I used to do everything for him. Cook, clean, do his laundry, plan fancy dinners out. I am a really sexual person and being I was so attracted to my boyfriend I did things for him I have never done for anyone else. I have had 3 sexy photo shoots during our time together to have photographs taken of me just for him. Maxim like photos. He loved them. It would not be out of the unusual for him to come home to me cooking him dinner in lingerie and heels. I let him videotape us. I honestly think we have had sex every day that we have been together except for very rare occasions. I fufill him. I know I do. He is happy as a clam.
He is good to me. He tells me I am beautiful, For the most part he is respectful and I know he thinks I am hot. He is always drooling over me. But the problem is, and I have talked to him about this so many times in these past 3 years I can't count. He has never taken me on a date. NEVER. He never takes me out to eat or anywhere. He never buys me gifts for special occasions. He does not even celebrate our anniversary. He never calls or texts out of the blue. Never reciprocates. Besides telling me I am hot I can't really think of anything he does for me.
I am not materialistic at all. I just want a boyfriend to take me out to eat chinese from time to time. Maybe to see a movie. Maybe buy me a gift. He works. He CAN. He just WON'T. And it makes me feel I am not important enough. He used to do such romantic things for other girls and when I asked why he told me because he was "chasing a girl and that's what you do when you chase a girl". He filled a girls car with helium balloons that said I love you once. He has it in him. Just not for me it seems.
I had pulled back some these last few months. Not doing so much for him.The only thing that changed was an extra text or two my way. Still no date. Still no romance. The final straw for me happened the other night. He came home and I was all decked out for him in a sexy lingerie outfit. Had cooked him dinner. The next day I didn't get so much as a thank you. I felt used. And stupid. I could be doing these things for a man who might take me out for dinner. Or give me a card for my birthday.
Girls...am I being silly? Would you give up a guy who thought you were the hottest thing to walk the earth and basically treated you good but never did ANYTHING for you? I am scared of regret. But I feel like a roomate. Not a girlfriend.
What's Your Opinion?
Most Helpful Opinion
UGHHHH I've been 1 year with my boyfriend and I can't take it...ive tried all I can and tried to be nice and suck it up.
then I explode and tell him that I feel like he doesn't love me like he said he did cause I never once got a small gift..even if it was worth a dollar. excuse was he had no job...okay I understand but he had enough money to buy games that were over 50$. like getting gifts from someone is like saying I was thinking about you. we stay home all day and he just wants to sleep or lay in bed all day. he won't walk up till 2 and then makes a stupid excuse like BUT WE HAVE NO TIME TO GO OUT! well whose fault is that right?
i left gifts and surprises in his room and I listen to what he likes and ill buy it for him. but he never listens to me, he doesn't know what color I like and what my size is...i have clothes in his closet.
give up on him...its been 3 yrs! how did you manageee?!? took you for granted.but what if he did it cause you never complained and fought about it. maybe he thought it was okay :(
in a way you can't expect him to treat you the same way he did when he first met you. they usually run out :(
What Guys Said 8
Perfectly normal to want your guy to make you feel special.
How the f*** is he getting away with forgetting presents or anything on birthdays and anniversaries? Most girls I know would couch and break up with their boyfriend or with any guy who did that to them. If he isn't ready to step up his game, then you need to talk with him about it at least once before you give him the boot. You could try to give him an ultimatum and say if you don't take me out within the next two weeks, doesn't matter where but it has to be out and planned somewhat. If he doesn't do that for you, break it off with him. Get a boyfriend who can appreciate you more than just a sex object.
If you aren't happy, you aren't happy. Nowhere in this text though, have
In a real, loving relationship, you do things for the other person not as a crutch to get them to do something back for you, but as a genuine expression of your feelings. It sounds to me like you're doing all of this for him - cooking, dressing up in lingere, giving him sex - simply to get him to reciprocate.
You mentioned that you've talked to him about it and he made excuses, so to me, that sounds like that's that. If he isn't making you happy you have to decide if A. its not that important and you want to stay with him or B. it IS that important and you want to leave him. Simple as that really. Otherwise you'll think yourself into a corner and you'll look up 4-5 years later wondering where the time went while you were busy being in a miserable relationship.
From what you've written it sounds to me like the relationship was based on lust first, love second, and now that the honeymoon phase is wearing off, he's losing interest. Sorry to put it in those terms, but I like to keep it as real as possible.
It's always better to be alone and open to a new experience than with someone who is making you miserable and trying to salvage a dying relationship.
Yeah its not selfish to want that. Your perfectly valid in wanting a sign that your more to him than a little hottie. I mean that's nice as a component of the relationship I would want my girlfriend to think I'm hot but if you want something deeper than I am afraid to say he might not be it. There is nothing better than finding that special someone and just meshing perfectly with them.
I mean honestly its not crazy for you to want some reciprocation everyone wants to feel special every now and again. I agree if you aren't happy then bottom line you gotta take care of yourself? I mean taking care of your significant other is admirable but there has to be a give back because if not its selfish. You need someone who will give you what you want also.
What Girls Said 8
Your intelligence is telling you that you need something beyond just his "words" to make you feel appreciated and attractive. If being with anyone makes you feel used or this bad... do break up, please. Some internet "gurus" filled his head with junk on how to "make women fall for you" (it is the whole idea of never chasing women)... too bad that those "gurus" do not ever attempt to teach people how to be kind and human! It is so natural to do things for others men or women! These ideologies are an offense against kindness and humanity! There are plenty of guys that make you laugh and are great in bed! Kindly attach yourself to one that deserves you.
Warmest wishes for your wonderful future.
not everyone likes to date. sounds like this guy does not like to date. stop doing things for him, so hell do things for u. ONLY do things because you want to.
and then once you are being more honest without self & with your actions, assess the situation. if his not dating is too much to bare , I'd leave. Even if you guilt him into doing stuff, hell resent you for it and you won't enjoy it because its just him being ordered--u want it o be genuine.. At least I do not see the point to being taken out if its forced. it loses its meaning.
you guys are not compatible. its been 3 years id say leave but you can try being honest first.
if the only reason you aren't happy is because he doesn't take you out, or buy you something ocassionally, then don't dumb him. Lets face it, we would all love to be wined and dined occasionally, and have our men sweep us off our feet and all that lovey dovey stuff, but you have managed to live without it for a while now, I don't see why you can't carry on. I am not suggesting that you should never have him wine and dine you, but at the same time, if it hasn't been a problem, until now, then maybe its because you look at other couples and see what they do and wish you had that. My partner does almost everything for me, I cook and do his washing, but we probably go out once every six months. If you want to get your man to prehaps sometimes do things for you, then why don't you suggest something and make it look like, you are doing it together.. he compliments you and says he loves you so its not like he doesn't apprieate you, but may be because you do everything, he has kinda taken that for granted. Talk to him properly about it first, do not make any rash decisions, you may regret it... because it sounds like you've got a keeper there, he just needs a nudge now and again.
:) Well, you're the same as I am. WE EXPECT..and when it doesn't happen (anything). we become frustrated. I'm with a good man who seems to do everything to please me but still I want more..not say more...but other things..like I surprise him with calls/ special gestures..but he doesn't...i wrote him once a poem but he didn't..doe that mean he loves me less? No, I don't think so...not at all. People think differently.
When he said he did those things when in the chasing days, he was honest. Guys can feel comfortable when they take you for granted. You always dress up for him, clean, etc..so what's new? you're available..why make any exta effort?..is he bad? No..doesn't he love you? No again
So, I'd tell you this: first don't be always available and do all the effort..give him space to show you HIS efforts in the relationship...don't always surprise him with nice things...make him miss it..and if he does..probably, he'll initiate next time and this will make you feel happy :)
Another thing communication is the best solution..talk to him..tell him you like romantic gestures..you like gifts..etc..whatever..IF you don't feel he's doing effort to please you then it's your decision.
I hope you get what I mean. Good luck :)
WOW! I felt like I just read about myself! I can def relate. I'll share my story-
With a guy 5 yrs.Lived together 4. I did everything!Cooked,cleaned,helped his mom because she was ill,helped with bills when he was outta work for a yr!Always doing sweet little things,put the loan for his car in my name, etc.We were VERY sexual as well, I was always ready to please him..But I too never got a date.First 2 years I didn't get gifts on my bday, he 4got my birthday one yr, never gave cards,Never had an anniversary. I knew the type of Boyfriend he could be,bc I saw how he treated his girlfriend before me.He did EVERYTHING for her & she ended up breaking his heart. I paid for her actions. He didn't want to go out because they went out alot.He didn't want the title, because when they got a title things went sour. I was compared to his ex the whole relationship.After 4 years & several times of telling him how I felt.I started to resent him.He was my 1st love, so as much as I was in love w/him, I knew things werent right..but I couldn't let go on my own. I knew he loved me. It was just the fact that he didn't do anything extra for me. Like u, I'm not materialistic at all! I didn't ask for much & he gave nothin.Once I became resentful,we began arguing. He'd go out w/friends, but never take me out. I would get attitudes because I was tired of being hurt.He was plannin on buying a house & told me his mother would live with us (he cares for her) which I knew & was fine with.After a year of contd arguing, he ended it, but didn't want it to end it for good. He said he felt pressured,this was the same time he bought a home.So my love & my dreams were gone.
Like u, I wanted to be w/him 4ever, but I knew deep down we needed to break up. I always thought we would have to go through this before we could be together for good. I just wanted him to realize what he had. I'm guessing this is your motive for walking away as well. You know the love & bond is there,but you want him to see what he has & cherish u, or at least show appreciation! No I do not think your being silly at all! You know this is what you have to do. You don't want to stay in the situation & end up angry w/him.
We been apart 2 yrs.Hes always kept contact.For 8 months I begged him back,he pushed me away.So I tried to move on.I met a new guy.THIS is when my Ex asked me on a date!(go fig) I told him it wasn't the right time.He was hurt but, still kept intouch weekly. (I never got w/the new guy) 3 months ago we began talkin ALOT,he'd call more,text all day,talk on webcam,etc. I thought he was tryin to come around & ask me on a date.Then I hear he has a Girlfriend of 7 months he didn't tell me about! I was crushed.When I asked him,he cried & begged me not to hate him.He says he's only w/her because he thought I moved on.He calls her his Girlfriend & does extra for her! But still seems unhappy.I gave him 2 months to fig it out, but he's not leaving her.So I walked away =(
Hopefully this will make your guy wake up! You deserve more! You just want him to love u, how you love him! G'luck Girl!