No. Women Don't Like Assholes, BUT...

No. Women Don't Like Assholes, BUT...

I read a lot of questions and comments here and elsewhere from self-identified nice guys that presume that women like assholes. They see women dating guys that they consider assholes and instead of asking what it is about those men that women are attracted to, they quickly surmise that women like assholes and if they want women, they need to become an asshole.

Well, I'm here to tell you that it's a lot more complicated than that.

Ladies, you should listen up as well.

The stereotypical asshole that these guys are always pointing to can be described as arrogant, rude, impulsive, inconsiderate, and loud/obnoxious. They're also usually pretty hot.

So, milder, quieter guys who may be struggling to attract women will look at those guys, see those traits, and surmise that THAT is what the hot girls who date, fuck and get hurt by these guys are attracted to. I get it.

...but that's not the whole story.

Blinded by Attraction

Everyone - male or female - gets a little blinded by physical attraction. I do it, you do it, we've all done it. You see a hot stranger and you immediately begin to make up a character for them in your head based off their style, what you can surmise from how they carry themselves and, most tellingly, what YOU want them to be like/hope they're like.

So, now you've seen this hot stranger and you have a picture in your head of who that person is. As you approach them, or are approached by them, you are going to filter everything they say and do through that preconceived image. All the sudden.....

  • Arrogange = confidence;
  • Rude = Self-assured;
  • Impulsive = Fun;
  • Inconsiderate = Oblivious;
  • Loud/obnoxious = Funny.

I don't think it's just women who do this. Men do it too. And I think it's important for us to take acknowledge it before we make the same mistake again and again. For some people, it takes several mistakes before they notice the pattern. For others it takes one. For some, we might notice the pattern but it takes a while before we recognise the filtering we're doing at the initial stages as part of the problem. Some will resign to the fact that "I'm just attracted to the wrong kinda guys/girls" and knowingly make the same mistakes over and over, or pull out of the dating game altogether.

Lessons to Learn

GUYS who believe women actually LIKE assholes:

  • Recognise that it's not the "being an asshole" part that women end up finding themselves attracted to.
  • Recognise the positive traits that we are ACTUALLY after, and that these are the things we are seeing in the wrong guys.
  • Work on building those traits for yourselves and on being a genuinely good person.

While you're younger and the women in your dating pool are still maturing and figuring these things out the hard way, it may be a little rough, but as you get older, if you don't allow yourself to become jaded and bitter, you'll begin meeting women who reognise these traits in you as well as the fact that you are a genuinely GOOD, kind person.

In those earlier years, maybe try to not concern yourself so much with women - focus on the rest of your life... your career, your hobbies, your friends, travelling, experiencing life...

LADIES who find yourselves constantly hooking up with assholes:

  • Learn to recognise your patterns, and the filters you apply.
  • Try to open your eyes to see the other guys who maybe you don't notice immediately, who maybe aren't working up the nerve to approach you with some cheesy line.
  • Set rules and boundaries and don't budge on them just because some guy is hot or a little bit charming.
  • When your gut sends up a red flag, take note of it, don't ignore it.

EVERYONE: Let's just stop generalising about each other based on a few negative experiences. Let's just focus on finding partners with the traits we value, and on possessing those traits ourselves. Let's focus on maintaining reasonable standards and meeting those same expectations ourselves. If that means holding off dating for a while, so be it. It's better to be alone than to be with someone who's not good for you.


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What Guys Said 50

  • @Sara413 You damned Canadian genius! An interesting thought I had whilst pursuing:

    Arrogange = confidence;
    Rude = Self-assured;
    Impulsive = Fun;
    Inconsiderate = Oblivious;
    Loud/obnoxious = Funny.

    ---------------------------

    Arrogance
    Rude
    Impulsive
    Inconsiderate
    Loud/Obnoxious

    ---------------------------

    Arrogance=Considered something for little boys to work on as they grow up
    Rude=Considered something for little boys to work on as they grow up
    Impulsive=Considered something for little boys to work on as they grow up
    Inconsiderate=Considered something for little boys to work on as they grow up
    Loud/Obnoxious=Considered something for little boys to work on as they grow up

    --------------------------------------------

    TAKEAWAY: EMBRACE YOUR INNER LITTLE BOY AND DON'T FILTER HIM AND DON'T STIFLE HIS BRASHNESS

    brash1
    braSH/Submit
    adjective
    self-assertive in a rude, noisy, or overbearing way.
    "he could be brash, cocky, and arrogant"
    synonyms: self-assertive, pushy, cocksure, cocky, self-confident, arrogant, bold, audacious, brazen, bumptious, overweening, puffed up; More
    strong, energetic, or irreverent.
    "I like brash, vibrant flavors"
    (of a place or thing) having an ostentatious or tasteless appearance.
    "the cafe was a brash new building"
    synonyms: self-assertive, pushy, cocksure, cocky, self-confident, arrogant, bold, audacious, brazen, bumptious, overweening, puffed up; More

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  • Basically it's like this:

    "No. Women Don't Like Assholes, BUT... they do"

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  • "Work on building those traits for yourselves and on being a genuinely good person."

    That's the solution, right? Unfortunately, the reason most of these nice guys are so "nice" is because they don't know how to attract women in the first place, so every individual woman he meets, he values a lot because he doesn't know when the next one will come along who gives him the time of day.

    "Jerks" can attract women with some level of ease so they don't value women as much. They know there's another one "around the corner" and since women are easy for them to get, they start to see women as more "expendable".

    The sad truth is that they way jerks see women is the way men in general are supposed to see women. Monogamous relationships are a social construct and aren't natural. From a biological standpoint, men are supposed to be able to attract women easily and therefore won't value them as much. Nice guys value individual women a lot more because it's hard for them to get even one woman.

    So even if a nice guy became more confident, fun etc and saw the "truth"of how to attract women, he would just cross over to asshole land very soon. This is the harsh reality of the dating world.

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  • And they say girls mature before boys.
    Take your lesson from this boys. Just be an asshole in your 20's. It's what the girls will go for. Then you too can get layed. Then in your 30's you can switch back to your true self. That's what chicks like so give it to them. Waiting on the sidelines for girls to wise up is a waist of time. Give them what they want and have fun doing it.

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  • I've always thought it wasn't the asshole quality that girls respond to it's the pseudo-confidence that comes from indifference and a lack of respect, etc. You offered more detail in the line of thought and I think you made sense.

    But after that my takeaway was that I should just sit on the sidelines and try not to be bitter while building a life for some older woman into waltz into when she decides she's good and ready.

    When it comes to "your career, your hobbies, your friends, traveling," etc, you can focus on those things too... and also dating, sex, love, companionship, etc, if you're a girl. It sounds like I'm just missing out. There are other things to life but the one I'm trying not to focus on is a pretty big one and it just means I don't have balance in my life. I want to experience all those things and neglecting one too much isn't healthy. It's just going to fester and then I can't focus on other things. I want to spend my youth with a young girl and I want to spend her youth with her too, I want to share those years. Companionship is just as integral to the health of my character as the other stuff. I feeling I get from this is that life begins at thirty-something and that's just bleak.

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    • I spent the bulk of my twenties single and to be honest, I think I'm happier for it. Instead of getting hurt and getting bitter, I focused on the rest of my life and then, earlier this year, I met my boyfriend and I'm able to give that relationship my all because the rest of my life is already in order, and I'm not going into it with a bunch of baggage from past failed relationships.

      I don't think there is anything wrong with dating when you're younger, but more often than not, it just leads to a bunch of heartbreak. Most people - male and female - just aren't mature enough to handle a real, adult relationship when they're young and we shouldn't be expecting each other to.

  • Morale of the story.

    It dosent matter how bad of a person you are, as long as you look good.

    Thats it. Im dying alone. This has just killed all my respect for women.

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  • My not-so-hot take is that women probably just want to feel like their guy treats them more special than other people.

    Thus the whole "he's a totally different person when it's just me and him" slogans.

    To be honest, I kinda get it. I mean, I'm not an ass by any stretch of the imagination, but I definitely treat my woman much differently than I would treat anyone else.

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    • Yeah, I think there is a bit of that to it as well... you feel a lot more special when someone who's usually very unemotional is more emotionally vulnerable with you, for example. Again, I think this is one of those things that people, male and female, tend to grow out of as they get a bit older.

  • What's that adage? "Bad boys are no good but good boys are no fun"?

    I generally find it's accurate. If you're a decent enough looking guy (which, I'd like to think I am, though I'm sure people would disagree) you can pretty much get away with most things, teasing included, that a completely unattractive guy wouldn't, regardless of how genuinely decent a person he is.

    It is true for men though. I'll admit I've sometimes been somewhat blinded to a prettier girl's bitchy actions before waking up and saying to myself "holy shit, this person's actually not very nice", even if she might be pleasant to me personally. Whereas I get the feeling if it was someone I didn't personally find attractive, I'd be much more cognisant of their attitude and would feel far more negatively about it as a result.

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  • I just wish females were more straightforward in what they wanted instead of being so complex I also wish that females wouldn't lead a guy on when they didn't have genuine interest in a guy.. but fuck I always been single and not by choice so what do I know?

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    • trust me men are the same way, human beings in general are complex, indecisive, and confusing.

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    • if you were really being this tough towards girls I doubt you would be single right now.

    • I think one of the issues with the whole idea that "women are so complex" is that sometimes men forget that we're just not all the same... of course "women" seem complex if you're expecting us to all want the same things and have the same expectations, and so on. We're individuals. We all want different things...

  • The issue with this post is by the time women do reach the point of maturity usually when they are in their 30's where they are ready to give the nice guy a chance is that they don't even look decent anymore. They have aged so much, and not just that, but they have fathered a children, or two with the bad boy. Why would they want to take that burden?

    Even if they didn't have children do good men really like the idea of taking in a women that have been used up like a sponge by the bad men? I mean good men are usually decent people that actually tried to save their virginity (eh hem), and not lose it to some random slut so why should they give something so precious to someone who blew what they had in a one night stand.

    The last fact is that most western women are not worth it anymore. Even if you ladies mature you still keep that a*****e attitude that hurt men in the long run. Usually western women take money while providing little to a good man that tries to take care of them, and if a good guy makes a mistake you can say good bye to half his life savings, and properties to a divorce court, and if he had children then he loses his rights to see them so now that is even worse for him in the long run as he has to pay child support.

    In the end most western men will actually seek women from overseas rather then pick a spoiled westernized women who has been ruined by 1980 feminism since they won't do none of the above, and they actually value good men from the get go. :).

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    • he's right about western women ESPECIALLY American women. Feminism, pop culture and liberalism has warped them to be miserable, selfish cunts. There are exceptions (my ex was one) but they are unfortunately very rare. I love my country but there is something very wrong with our women.

  • Young girls are the best for sex. I refuse to marry older women unless they can cook or throw money at me.

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    • It was a joke, but okay girls. :D I honestly don't care about age. I don't even care about looks either. I just like girls who are receptive to my existence. By the way, I lost my virginity last week to a prostitute. I've seen prostitutes three times now. I feel good for the first time in my life. It's not fair that girls kept me waiting for sex. My entire brain was locked up for 26 years. My OCD, depression, anxiety and ADD are almost gone now. I plan on banging one more prostitute so my brain completely heals, then I'm giving up on girls. I'm going to unlock the human genome in one month. Then, I'm leaving this planet. I'd rather chase girls in other benevolent planets than the evil girls on this planet. Let's see what humans are capable of through true freedom. Peace.

  • Thank you. Everybody seriously needs to shut the fuck up with all this "girls don't like nice guys" bullshit. It's 2015; come up with a new excuse for being a fuckboy.

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  • "While you're younger and the women in your dating pool are still maturing and figuring these things out the hard way, it may be a little rough, but as you get older, if you don't allow yourself to become jaded and bitter, you'll begin meeting women who reognise these traits in you as well as the fact that you are a genuinely GOOD, kind person."

    The thing is once a man is over the age of 30 and not married the odds of him getting married drop dramatically, once the teenage hormones ease off a bit a man starts to see the world differently, and while women are still important chaining your self to one often is no longer a desirable choice. Sure some men become bitter but for many bachelorhood just makes sense! Maybe a lot of women can't relate to this well or something but many men, maybe even most, can be perfectly happy not getting married.

    Interesting note, the age of getting married for men is at about 29 and rising... There is a trend across all developed countries where men are starting to opt out of their traditional gender rolls, being provider for a wife and kids, instead they choose to pursue their interests.

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  • You make great points that I agree with. I will add that as we mature or become wiser , we realise the physical attraction that we can't ignore is a very unreliable evaluator of a person,
    An many , not all will use that filter all their lives, people have filters not just based on looks , it would be interesting to see how many filters we could identify as a group. Color, race , gender, culture to name a few.
    I passed beside a lot of great women because of my filters , at least I remained respectful while not seeing their worth.
    How great their worth as a person ,. I will never know , but some a still around me living their lives happily and you can kick yourself for not seeing it and I'm not meaning that over time they blossomed and became hot , NO , When your filters fell, you now can see how great a person they are. To make a comparison , its like you see she was like winning the lottery and the tip of the iceberg you see , well even that is AMAZING, but kick yourself , you'll never see or know the rest. I stopped kicking myself, abuse is not acceptable.

    BUT the guy that is an asshole , is often an asshole without the filter and in my experience , that's more the rule than the exception , Of the assholes in High School , many are still assholes today , plainly visible to everyone. The good thing; assholes in high school were a minority in the male population.

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  • why would a guy want to date an older women? dudes just take the lessons you learn and date younger women. no need to entertain women past a certain age. that's just I don't know disrespectful to yourself.

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    • you actually said let the assholes fuck the girl first work on your career and money than an old lady will want you for your money later. wtf is wrong with you to actually think this is anything. I pity the man that ends up with you.

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    • What I said was that people are naive when they're younger and a lot of those "asshole" traits are misread.. and that as we get older we become better at seeing through that shit. But I'm writing this from a woman's perspective and based on my own experiences.

    • and how that translates to men is that women are going to fuck losers while young and want a decent man to pay full price for used goods. I am not the only man that has read this that way.

  • "Try to open your eyes to see the other guys who maybe you don't notice immediately, who maybe aren't working up the nerve to approach you with some cheesy line." the chance of finding a Keeper that way is extremely high.

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  • so to sum it up:
    infatuation makes women see bad boy traits as positive. Ie bad boys get the girl
    When the infatuation stage passes, they see him as the jerk he is and dump him. Ie bad boys can't keep the girl.
    The problem is just that before the infatuation stage is over, a lot of cpuples have had sex. And thus when she figures his real colors, she'll feel used. We all know what problems that can cause.

    In conclusion. Bad boys get girls, but can't keep them around. That's not how you want to be, is it?

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  • Too bad I'm an asshole and loser

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    • so are most guys on here. they'd use girls if they were given the opportunity..

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    • your wrong pampered. Most guys on GAG have problems... that's why they are on here (me included). I would even go far to say that most guys on GAG are "nice guys". True assholes are out getting laid as we speak. They don't need "support".

    • True that

  • All my life on gag and questions about why women date assholes boiled down to this take. This take answers it all because I used to be an asshole like guy and had everything going for me (i still am a little bit).

    I was exactly like how this take described it. I felt no need to change unfortunately due to the gains i was getting because although many girls will decide consciously that they don't like assholes and all that, the fact is, when they are faced with the real situations, some will let their subconscious take over their minds due to attraction and they will then fall for the asshole (which pretty much happens to me all the time)

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    • then why are even you wasting your time on here? Shouldn't you be grabbing some girls tits right now instead of using a keyboard? I have a hard time believing you are a true asshole.

    • I said I used to be one 😂

      It's holidays now and I don't have the transport to get out of the house so nea

      I'm on my phone by the way 😂

  • Seeming oblivious is a positive?

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    • She doesn't mean oblivious is a positive. She means that if he had been oblivious (the better way of looking at negative traits as she showed), then he wasn't trying to be inconsiderate, but merely not see that how he was acting was wrong. Obviously being oblivious isn't a good thing, but it's an excuse for being inconsiderate some use to twist the negative trait into something tolerable because they're blinded by attraction, or by the better person they have mentally warped the person into in their head.

  • More from Guys
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What Girls Said 13

  • Here's the thing... just because women reject one guy doesn't mean the guy should surmise that the *opposite* of whatever he might be is what we're after. If he's a self-proclaimed nice guy, doing some guesswork that the girl must obviously like assholes isn't usually the correct answer. Almost always, there are other factors of why she didn't like you, and chose someone else. What I dislike the most is after a guy is rejected, he's got to be some social detective to come to terms that it *must* be the girl and not him. A few times in my life, a guy has actually said - without filter - that I "must not be in to sex", and I'm "obviously a lesbian". Wait, what? Really? All because I didn't want to go out with *you*? Come on. I've been sexually charged since I was a teen and it hasn't quit yet, and I've never had an sexual experience with women, nor do I care to. But hey, playing detective for a moment made the guy feel better. Whatever.

    No consideration that maybe I might not have wanted to be approached by a guy who LOOKS LIKE MY BROTHER. Oh yesss, this did happen once. A "nice" guy was hitting on me who looked like my older brother and I just wanted to vomit. Even my friends told me how eerie it was that he resembled him so much. Of course the guy never knew that, and figured my rejecting him so quickly meant I didn't know a nice guy when I saw one. Oh trust me. I knew a nice guy when I saw one. I was related to him. LOL

    Guys, there are so many reasons why you're not being picked over and really it's not you, it's the girl. We get swept off our feet by a FAƇADE when we meet a jerk. Do you think these guys advertise to us right away that they plan to cheat, use us, borrow money from our dads, smack up our cars, hit on our best friends, sit on our couches, eat our food, all to tell us we're too fat after five months? No. Usually this guy is as smooth as butter telling us EVERYthing we want to hear. On top of all that, we see that exterior so-called confidence of his loud, funny personality that we find thrilling. So like everyone who tries putting on this good impression when they meet people, whispering in our ears in a noisy nightclub, when he finishes being loud and funny with a friend, you can bet that he tells us, "I really think you're beautiful.." and we just melt. We want to believe that we found the whole package.

    It's like going to buy a car off the lot and being lied to that the car comes with all the features...

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    • It's like you can clearly see the features on the dashboard but then when you pay the dealership and drive off the lot, not a single thing works. The windows can't power down, the AC is broken, the sound system has been de-wired. It looked good and had promise but we just didn't know we were getting a lemon.

      By this time.. women being women, we fall in love anyway. We have it in our minds WHY we wanted to stay and that's because we justify that he seemed like a catch at the time, and his promises got to us. We started to forgive his ways just to see if that promise could still be there. Then we get in too deep, and THEN we get in to the argument of why women STAY with assholes. It's because we gave him time, we invested our own time, and we don't know if we should give up so soon because he keeps pleading that he'll become a better person. Yes, this jerk who snarled to his friends that he never needed a woman becomes a little boy to us behind a closed door. We fall for it. That's why.

    • Sorry, I should have pointed out that when we reject:
      "Guys, there are so many reasons why you're not being picked over and really it's not you, it's the girl." What I mean is it's the girl in the regard that she has her reasons why. Not that she must be a lesbian or she must be stuck up. The reason it's the girl in this case is because she is bought in to what a jerk has told her would be good for her.

    • I see your point but after guys get rejected over and over and over (from being too nice) again we start to see trends in women.

  • I just want to say one sometimes we don't know if he a asshole, a lot of assholes pretend to be nice guys how would we know if they pretending or not? Later in the relationship we see their true colours. Two if you don't tell her how you feel how is she suppose to know you like her? and three who said she has to like you?

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  • Its that whole appeal of a bad boy/player thing that makes some girls attracted or overlook a guy that isn't nice to them or is using them

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  • This is actually pretty good.. Well done!

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  • Good take.

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    • Thanks :)

    • I dated an idiot for a year without realising he was an idiot. He treated me nicely sometimes and then horribly the rest of the time but I was too caught up to notice the bad, and that's my fault. I always try and see the good, and sometimes I think that's dangerous. That relationship endless horribly, but the good thing is, now I know what to avoid and red flags now appear. Sometimes it's just about experiencing it and learning.

  • My boyfriend is sweet and thats how I like it.
    I would never ever want an asshole

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    • Yes, my boyfriend is also very sweet :)

      I didn't really date much in my early twenties because it seemed so pointless.

  • This is a really good take!

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  • And sometimes you fall for someone for their good qualities and you're naive enough to ignore the bad ones. The really really bad ones.

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  • I'm holding off dating and I have been through a lot and I'm in therapy yet I have heard from guys online rude comments judging me based on my relationship status. It's like there are some guys who take their anger out on women for bad experiences they have had with women. And when I'm actually taking a break and talking to a therapist because I have been through a lot in stress and life I get criticized by butt hurt men and accused of having high standards because I'm not dating right now

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  • This is Awesome! Where are all the opinions, hot topics like this usually have more activity?

    Great Advice: Lessons to Learn GUYS who believe women actually LIKE assholes:
    Recognize that it's not the "being an asshole" part that women end up finding themselves attracted to.
    Recognize the positive traits that we are ACTUALLY after, and that these are the things we are seeing in the wrong guys.
    Work on building those traits for yourselves and on being a genuinely good person.

    Accurate Comparisons:
    Arrogange = confidence;
    Rude = Self-assured;
    Impulsive = Fun;
    Inconsiderate = Oblivious;
    Loud/obnoxious = Funny.

    I like your insight & what these so called "nice guys" always forget is most women know they maybe be dating an asshole, but the reason most of them stay with them is because the feel they can Change Them.

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  • Lol i knew that my boyfriend is an asshole from day one, but i'm even more of an asshole...
    his hottnes was on point, tho 😂

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  • assholes spike a woman's sex drive a lot. by how they act and look. so it's had to care about anything else, except wanting to fuck them.

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  • LOL! When I read your title I actually thought this would be a take for why women don't like assholes (like the actual body part)!!! I just don't know why :D So when I started reading the intro I got so confused :D OMG haha!

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    • Hahaha toss that on the backburner for another Take...

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