I read a lot of questions and comments here and elsewhere from self-identified nice guys that presume that women like assholes. They see women dating guys that they consider assholes and instead of asking what it is about those men that women are attracted to, they quickly surmise that women like assholes and if they want women, they need to become an asshole.
Well, I'm here to tell you that it's a lot more complicated than that.
Ladies, you should listen up as well.
The stereotypical asshole that these guys are always pointing to can be described as arrogant, rude, impulsive, inconsiderate, and loud/obnoxious. They're also usually pretty hot.
So, milder, quieter guys who may be struggling to attract women will look at those guys, see those traits, and surmise that THAT is what the hot girls who date, fuck and get hurt by these guys are attracted to. I get it.
...but that's not the whole story.
Blinded by Attraction
Everyone - male or female - gets a little blinded by physical attraction. I do it, you do it, we've all done it. You see a hot stranger and you immediately begin to make up a character for them in your head based off their style, what you can surmise from how they carry themselves and, most tellingly, what YOU want them to be like/hope they're like.
So, now you've seen this hot stranger and you have a picture in your head of who that person is. As you approach them, or are approached by them, you are going to filter everything they say and do through that preconceived image. All the sudden.....
- Arrogange = confidence;
- Rude = Self-assured;
- Impulsive = Fun;
- Inconsiderate = Oblivious;
- Loud/obnoxious = Funny.
I don't think it's just women who do this. Men do it too. And I think it's important for us to take acknowledge it before we make the same mistake again and again. For some people, it takes several mistakes before they notice the pattern. For others it takes one. For some, we might notice the pattern but it takes a while before we recognise the filtering we're doing at the initial stages as part of the problem. Some will resign to the fact that "I'm just attracted to the wrong kinda guys/girls" and knowingly make the same mistakes over and over, or pull out of the dating game altogether.
Lessons to Learn
GUYS who believe women actually LIKE assholes:
- Recognise that it's not the "being an asshole" part that women end up finding themselves attracted to.
- Recognise the positive traits that we are ACTUALLY after, and that these are the things we are seeing in the wrong guys.
- Work on building those traits for yourselves and on being a genuinely good person.
While you're younger and the women in your dating pool are still maturing and figuring these things out the hard way, it may be a little rough, but as you get older, if you don't allow yourself to become jaded and bitter, you'll begin meeting women who reognise these traits in you as well as the fact that you are a genuinely GOOD, kind person.
In those earlier years, maybe try to not concern yourself so much with women - focus on the rest of your life... your career, your hobbies, your friends, travelling, experiencing life...
LADIES who find yourselves constantly hooking up with assholes:
- Learn to recognise your patterns, and the filters you apply.
- Try to open your eyes to see the other guys who maybe you don't notice immediately, who maybe aren't working up the nerve to approach you with some cheesy line.
- Set rules and boundaries and don't budge on them just because some guy is hot or a little bit charming.
- When your gut sends up a red flag, take note of it, don't ignore it.
EVERYONE: Let's just stop generalising about each other based on a few negative experiences. Let's just focus on finding partners with the traits we value, and on possessing those traits ourselves. Let's focus on maintaining reasonable standards and meeting those same expectations ourselves. If that means holding off dating for a while, so be it. It's better to be alone than to be with someone who's not good for you.