How to get my boyfriend to trust me again?

[Anonymous]

So I'm in a sort of a mess.

When my boyfriend and I were on a break, I participated in a blind date-matching event at my school, and was matched to a guy. My boyfriend and I got back together, and I know we're both kind of on our tiptoes because we exchanged "I love you"s for the first time.

Anyway, I went on a date with my blind date guy last weekend, because I didn't want to be a bitch and back out on him (guys had to pay for the event.) I had fun, but it was totally platonic with minimal flirting, and I took as just hanging out. I always tell my boyfriend everything I do, so I told him about my day. However, I let slip that I rode on the back of a motorcycle, which of course brought forth a chain of "who were you with" and "what were you doing." I thought he wouldn't like it if I said I went on a date, so I lied and said it was a random guy from class who asked me to hang out with him and a few friends. [A white lie, in my opinion.]

Unexpectedly, he got really pissed off, started calling me a hypocrite for being jealous of girls he flirts with, and even went as far as to assume that I was taking the first step towards cheating. I know he's been cheated on before, but I still thought it was a bit of an overreaction. However, I wanted to be mature and admitted that I was in the wrong. But, since it's in my personality to argue, I kept trying to justify myself and try to get him to see it from my perspective, which just pissed him off more and now he thinks I betrayed his trust for doing something that would hurt him, even though I wouldn't want him to do the same to me.

But honestly, while it would bug me if he hung out with another girl, I wouldn't withhold sex and silently mope about it for a whole night. And my mind sure as hell wouldn't jump straight to cheating.

Anyway... what can I do? Do I just wait it out? Should I keep reminding him I love him, or would that just make the words lose meaning and make me seem pathetic? Should I pretend nothing's happened and let him deal with it on his own? Should I swallow my anger and step back, or be assertive and let him know it's not okay to overreact so much?

We hung out all day today, and at certain points he seemed to cheer up and be as affectionate as usual, but for the majority of the day he felt miles away. And I knew, from the second I told him, he immediately withdrew and closed himself off to me. I wish there was some way to convince him that yes, I am selfish and yes, I make mistakes, and because I'm a social person I like to interact with people of the opposite sex, but I would never, ever, in a million years ever betray him.

Seriously, words just don't seem to be enough right now and feeling a million miles away from him while he's right next to me just drives me crazy. Advice please?

[Anonymous]

Well, you were wrong by the way. I think he was right. You would be hypocritical about him hanging out with a girl like that. Just from that incident, it does seem like you could be heading down the road to cheating. How long were you on this break? Because you dating other people or involving yourself in this blind date thing while you guys are simply on the outs makes it seem like you were ready for that. Like, you aren't really into him and maybe even doing it all along. You said you were riding on the back of that dude's motorcycle too. Why were you doing that exactly? Makes it seem a little more serious than a "platonic" date. They call that "riding bitch" by the way.

First of all, you probably shouldn't have signed up for that thing anyway. Since you did, you should have tried to get someone else to take your place or something. It's a blind date after all.

"But honestly, while it would bug me if he hung out with another girl, I wouldn't withhold sex and silently mope about it for a whole night." That's a lie if I ever saw it. That's what women do over minor things much less a guy flirting with another girl. You've got to be kidding me.

Just apologize without the arguing and leave it at that. Don't mention it from then on. He'll probably come around

[Asker]

Well it is a break now that we're back together, but at the time he broke up with me. Completely.

[Opinion Owner]

Fair enough, but how long was the break up? How long after did you sign up for this blind date thing?

[Asker]

And the only time I've used sex as a bargaining chip was the first week that we got back together, when I wasn't sure if I trusted him completely yet. Otherwise, I've never intentionally withheld sex unless I truly wasn't in the mood. I don't like to play games like that and it makes me a bit angry that he would.

And I rode on the guy's motorcycle because it was a mode of transportation. His car was in the shop. I didn't see anything wrong with it. I used to ride on my dad's bike all the time

[Asker]

The breakup was about a month, and I signed up for it in an attempt to meet new people and get over him. And it was for charity.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah, you're dad's bike. This is a guy you don't even know. You do things like that often? You know how that looks? I'm taking your word for it because I have to, but in his position, I'd be thinking something is up with that.

I'm just saying that women use it pretty often and you said that you wouldn't do that, but you gave at least one example of you doing it.

Charity is all well and good, but it just doesn't sit right if you signed up for it like a week after you broke up (not saying that's

[Opinion Owner]

the case). You get where I'm coming from?

Even still, once you got back together, you should have talked to him about it immediately and see how he would take it. If he was able to understand it, you could have gone. If not, you should have passed it off to someone else.

[Asker]

Yeah, you make sense. I guess I really messed up. But well, what's done is done. How do I go about damage control?

[Asker]

And yeah, I guess I have problems with boundaries... ever since I was a kid I had no problems hanging out with strangers, even if it's dangerous. I do get into a lot of trouble... but I've been setting aside my personal issues and trying my very hardest to be a better person and show him that I'm someone worthy of his trust, but it feels like every other thing I do is a mistake. And no matter what, in the end I realize he's in the right, I f***ed up, again. It's frustrating.

[Opinion Owner]

I'm sure you've already apologized. There's nothing more that you can do. He'll be angry for a short time and then he may keep you at arm's length for a little while.

And don't let him hold it over you (unless you keep doing it, but he'd be stupid to stay in that case, right?) because you've apologized and he's accepting you back. You may have to work for his complete trust again, but that's it.

[Asker]

Ok, that sounds fair. Thanks so much for your advice, it helped a lot for me to understand the situation. :)

You sound a lot like him, by the way. Haha I think you may be cut from the same psychological cloth.

[Opinion Owner]

lol I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not, but thanks, I guess.

And you're welcome. Good luck.

[jb12358]

Sounds difficult alright. Clearly he's more sensitive than most due to the history he's had. Personally I wouldn't care one bit if my girlfriend went on a blind date for fun like that knowing that she had no interest in the guy but that's me.

It's probably useless for me to point out that you should have explained what the whole blind date thing was about to begin with and he probably would have been fine with it. Now you have to do it backwards and essentially tell him everything you've put in this message, which he probably doesn't know in full and hope that he calms down a bit when he hears your side of it properly. And do something nice for him