Said he wants to "slow down"?

I was seeing this guy for about a month, I know it isn't long at all but we spent all our time together. We got along so well right from the start, we met at an event and hit it off and he asked me for my number and we started texting right away and went to a movie the next evening, it went great and from there we were talking/together pretty much all the time. He always just randomly called me to say hello and talk for a while and I really loved that because I always end up with guys who are complete d-bags who just ignore me and treat me horribly, all the time. He was really sweet and thoughtful and that was a really nice change. I broke up with my ex at Christmas because I found him cheating on me, with more than one girl... and he was always a huge jerk to me and treated me absolutely awful. But after hanging on for a year I couldn't take it anymore and I finally had proof of my suspicions. so long story short this new guy was really what I needed he treated me the way I've always been treated but never had. by any of my boyfriends. The other night I asked him if something was wrong because I could tell something was bothering him. He said that I didn't do anything but that something was bothering him (this was through texting) and asked if he could call and we could talk on the phone and I asked if he wanted to come over and talk in person and he said yes and came over. He told me that he was scared he was getting too close to me too fast and said he wanted to "slow down". he told me we should "take a step back" because he got out of a long relationship a year ago and he was scared to make a commitment yet. He said he made the ultimate commitment to his ex only to have it thrown in his face, and that he doesn't want to make a commitment too soon and feel like he went from being really serious with his ex to being really serious with me too soon. I told him I understand about the stuff with his ex- she cheated on him, and it was a horrible, long, miserable breakup. My ex cheated on me and it was a horrible, long and miserable breakup. However, what I don't understand is this: he said that he doesn't want to commit himself yet and he wants to see what all is out there, and I asked him oh so you want to be open to see multiple girls and he said kind of and I said so you want to sleep around? and he said no it isn't like that at all and he seemed very honest but how else could I take it? my exes enjoyed sleeping around apparently, so this really hurts me. He said he still wants to hang out with me and talk but he wants to do it once a week rather than every day. Of course I got upset over this whole situation in general because things were going GREAT and I was not expecting it. I cried and he hugged me and tried to make me feel better and told me not to cry. He told me I was great but he wanted to do this now rather than waiting longer and making it harder. When we said good bye he hugged me for a while and said he wanted to see

me again the day he gets back from a nearby town (he was leaving the next day and was going to be gone for a few days, it relates to his job and it's nothing weird) then he kissed me good night 3x. what should I do & why would he kiss me after that? :(
I was very heartbroken because I'm attached to him. he's been texting me while he's gone but I'm not chasing after him. We're close and it's sad he would do this to me. I actually don't think its FWB though he just said to slow down but
i can't tell what he wants. does he want to be with me or not? he says he cares about me but this hurts. then he kisses me? what should I do?
anyone else? I wish I had guys' opinions :(


Most Helpful Girl

  • Sounds like you need to make a choice here. You can either wait for him to go out there and have some experiences with other girls that will help him decide what he wants, or you can move on. The simple fact is, sometimes when we get out of long relationships we think the answer is to go out and "meet" different people. It's natural curiosity, but if he's telling you that sexual curiosity has no part in that, then he's not telling the truth. If you go out and date other people, sex will become an issue at some point. It's only natural to want to have sexual experiences with other people, especially if you've only really been with one or two people. So, his primary reason may not be motivated by sex, but sex does figure into it. I've been around long enough to know when someone is telling you something when they're trying to save your feelings and that is exactly what this guy is doing.

    Does this make him a bad person? Certainly not. It sucks that he let things get taken this far, knowing from the beginning that he was not looking for a serious attachment. Did you do something wrong? No, I don't think that you did. You sound like that type of person that prefers having a relationship with some longevity as opposed to entertaining brief, pointless flirtations with multiple people---and there is NOTHING wrong with that. You want something that will last and he wants to go out and have a few experiences hoping that that will show him what he's been missing and point him in the right direction. But, to be honest, no one else is going to be able to give him what he's looking for. He's not going to find peace of mind from someone else, the only person that can give that to him is him.

    Now, should you wait for him? Honestly, that is a question only you can answer. Who knows how long it will take for him to figure out what he wants. My advice? Don't hinge your happiness on this guy. There are plenty of other men out there that truly do know how to treat a lady and I don't think that you should wait around when you could be with someone who knows what he wants. Granted, at 19 years old, you still have a bit of growing up to do, but there is no reason for you to put your life on hold for this guy. Wipe away your tears and bring that chin up. You've been through a lot and you have so much to offer a man who is ready for it. Don't let pessimistic thinking get you down. Because if you do, this will only be one more experience that will make you think all men treat you badly. You need to break that circle of thinking. Once you let those feelings go, it will open the door for the right guy. You get what you put out. You create your reality. Change the way you think about men, and you will find that men approach you in relationships will change.

    I know, this probably seems like cold comfort now, but just give it a little time and thought. Things will change and good things will happen, if you let them.

    • Thank you, yes I do agree with what you are saying and I've been thinking the same things, I just needed some more opinions. He says he still wants to hang out and talk and my plan is to probably do that and be open to whatever happens in the meantime, if someone asks me out I would be open to going out and doing something with them. He isn't going to fill any void he has just by being with more girls than one, idon't think that being with multiple people will help any more than one nice perso

    • Just remember that if you do choose to hang out with this guy, it's not going to lessen your attachment to him. In fact, it's only going to make it that much harder for you to be open to dating anyone else. I'm 28 years old, I've been around the block a few times to know. It only complicates things to be around someone you have feelings for but can't truly be with.

What Guys Said 5

  • He has commitment issues. Keep talking with him when you can. Don't hound him, but don't set him free either. It's probably going to be like this for a while. Act like you two are just dating and have fun with it. But, if you find out he's dating other women, say good bye and move on.

    Sounds to me like the two of you skipped the dating part and went right to the full on relationship. That scares the crap out of a lot of guys. We love our freedom, and it's hard to go from "I can do whatever I want, when I want to do it" to " I have to make sure it's alright with her before I do what I want."

    Take it slow and easy and see how it works out. You may even surprise yourself and figure out that you like the "dating" thing rather than the "full on relationship" thing. There is a lot of freedom in it.

    • Guys/girls can sleep around or have other emotional ties

      Me. I'd rather someone sleep around, rather than connect with someone else when we bonded

      I think if he wants to take it slow, is different then wanting options open- slow, is not getting too deep to protect yourself, playing the field is not the same thing-you can take things slow with one person.

      I expect anyone commitment only WHEN it happens

      Do not expect more than a person can give- that way, you do not have to be upset ;)

  • You said you spent all your time together. He just needs to do something other than you every now and then. Whether that's getting plastered with his guy friends, or just sitting at home playing x box and stuffing his face with doritos.

    From what you have indicated, you guys went super fast. The worst thing you can do right now is become possessive. Save that behavior for later down the road, when it might be more reasonable. If you become angry or upset and tell him he's changed, etc this early on, you are digging the relationships grave, loading the revolver, and cocking it.

    • Lol Never be possessive - on any road :)

      When is that really ever attractive? - - To any one but narcissistic sociopaths, or paranoid psychopaths...?

    • Well, if my woman did ever show signs of jealousy or acted a bit possessive I would wonder if she A.)was a robot, or B.) really didn't really care much about the prospect of me leaving.

      I would say when you're married, you have the right to some possessive or controlling acts, like no you cannot get hookers while you're in Vegas, or no, you cannot go on a vacation with your ex girl friend. Again this is just me, I would find those requests entirely acceptable.

  • Slow down, it has been an early jump into the love making ; no doudt for pleasure and that is okay but he needs to know you and himself ( one in the same) because the woman makes the man. You sound very sweet and caring and he seems smart you two could make it in a year into a marriage.

  • he probably doesn't like you ass much ass you like him. esspecially if you told him about you past relationships always ending up with jerks. if you don't respect yourself why should he. he probably thinks he could do better. you should be single for a few years and work on yourself.

  • i wish I could give you my opinion but I'm in ur situation exactly..says she likes me but is confused about being with me..she needs time to think that she can't do a relationship right now that we need to slow down...she told me all this in the morning then after work hugged me told me not to worry cause I said it would hurt to see her with someone else...then kisssed me and went I totally understand the confusion on her part so try to understand on his part if you can...if you want to wait for him then I say wait...but you will have to b patient...

    • Well, your lady and her guy they need to be able to be straight with you and say what they want from you. If they don't offer it up then ask "What do you want from me?". Still no answer, then give a multiple choice..."Do you want FWB?" or "Do you want me to wait?" etc..etc...So when you finally know then you can react. You can say "Sure, I'll give you that" or "Hell NO!! Are you mad? I would never be able to sleep with you and know you are not mine!".

What Girls Said 9

  • I think you are too attached to him and you shouldn't get soo emotional that he want's to slow donw, because seeing each other every day or very often is a lot for a new relationhisp--otherwise you are forcing it and it might end up just like your last. so I think he is making a wise choice slowing down--believe it is the necessary thing as you don't want to hurry into it and become sick of it too soon. And like I said you shoudn't get too emotional over a new relationship anyway--i think that way you are just going to scare him away. You can't expect commintment from him so soon--take it easy and have fun with it, every chance you get to be with him and see where things go with you two in time.

    all the best

  • that happened to me several times, when I asked all my guy friends opinion they told me to dump the guy cause he was to coward to tell me he was not interested anymore

  • similar situation for me. The guy in my situation, was in a 4 year r/ship a few months before he met me. At first he was really keen, but I think we spent too much time together, too soon, and he realised he wasn't ready for it. Also, him moving away doesn't help. He said he wants to "hang out with as many chicks as possible". But hmmm...he already said I am one in a million, and the coolest chick he's ever met. I'll believe it when he makes the commitment to me. One day. we're close as well, and I know I will always be a part of his life. But yeah, lets not wait hun. Plenty of guys out there. I know we don't want to date other guys now, but we will! It always gets better! x

  • heyya again !

    yes he definitely wouldn't hang around with you if he hadnt got feelings and he wouldn't want to take it step by step either !

    just give him some time and if he really loves you or has feelings he will see sense !

    good luck x

    can you answer my question on {the guy who stare sat me }i just need more advice thanks :)

    • Thank you I hope so too :)

  • hello :)

    maybe this guys really likes you or he could be falling in love with you and doesn't want to loose you so he wants to take it one step at a time !

    this is nothing weird lads that do this usually hav found a girl that they want to keep and never loose but they want to take it slow because they are afraid of losing you !

    hope this helped!

    can you answer my question {on the man that stares at me} I really need more advice thank you ! :)

    • I hope so

      he said he doesn't want to not be with me and if that were it then he wouldn't want to hang out. this happened with another girl I guess, he told me about it, a girl before me and I don't think he hangs out with her so I guess it's a step in the right direction. all I know is he had better make up his damn mind I'm not waiting forever I learned with my ex not to wait around I am never putting my life on hold for a guy again after my last boyfriend.

    • What do you mean by taking it slow, and why would rushing things make guys feel like they could lose you?

      I wonder because for me if I like some - which is rare lol but if I do

      there is no question I want tobe with them,

      I guess I never expect things to last, so this thing about going slow as a PLAN,- hanging out slowly, etc, seems like a drawn out way of nothing.

      on the other hand, I have no problem seeiong a guy I like, lke once a month- just knowing he near & I will see him is cool 4 me

  • if he says he wants to slow down maybe let him but keep a close eye out to see if he's cheating. because I wouldn't trust it

  • Hopefully you two were not sleeping with each other. I think for one month, the idea that you two were spending all your time together is too much. It is so much better to keep things slow in the beginning, even though it may feel natural and good to see each other as much as possible. It's just that seeing each other all the time feels like an instant relationship instead of dating and it creates pressures, especially for guys, that can freak them out, even though you did nothing wrong. It's even worse if you were having sex, which if you saw each other every day, I am betting you were.

    I would cut a guy loose that said they wanted to see other girls, if we were already sexually active with each other. I would just tell him that it's all or nothing and you understand if he is not ready for a relationship, but you don't want to have sex with someone who is not seeing you exclusively.

  • He's just not that into you! He feels that there are better options out there. I don't agree with the he's not ready part. Guys are ever ready for a relationship with a beautiful woman who they are crazy about.

    If he doesn't want a relationship, why does he want to look around?