Said he wants to "slow down"?

I was seeing this guy for about a month, I know it isn't long at all but we spent all our time together. We got along so well right from the start, we met at an event and hit it off and he asked me for my number and we started texting right away and went to a movie the next evening, it went great and from there we were talking/together pretty much all the time. He always just randomly called me to say hello and talk for a while and I really loved that because I always end up with guys who are complete d-bags who just ignore me and treat me horribly, all the time. He was really sweet and thoughtful and that was a really nice change. I broke up with my ex at Christmas because I found him cheating on me, with more than one girl... and he was always a huge jerk to me and treated me absolutely awful. But after hanging on for a year I couldn't take it anymore and I finally had proof of my suspicions. so long story short this new guy was really what I needed he treated me the way I've always been treated but never had. by any of my boyfriends. The other night I asked him if something was wrong because I could tell something was bothering him. He said that I didn't do anything but that something was bothering him (this was through texting) and asked if he could call and we could talk on the phone and I asked if he wanted to come over and talk in person and he said yes and came over. He told me that he was scared he was getting too close to me too fast and said he wanted to "slow down". he told me we should "take a step back" because he got out of a long relationship a year ago and he was scared to make a commitment yet. He said he made the ultimate commitment to his ex only to have it thrown in his face, and that he doesn't want to make a commitment too soon and feel like he went from being really serious with his ex to being really serious with me too soon. I told him I understand about the stuff with his ex- she cheated on him, and it was a horrible, long, miserable breakup. My ex cheated on me and it was a horrible, long and miserable breakup. However, what I don't understand is this: he said that he doesn't want to commit himself yet and he wants to see what all is out there, and I asked him oh so you want to be open to see multiple girls and he said kind of and I said so you want to sleep around? and he said no it isn't like that at all and he seemed very honest but how else could I take it? my exes enjoyed sleeping around apparently, so this really hurts me. He said he still wants to hang out with me and talk but he wants to do it once a week rather than every day. Of course I got upset over this whole situation in general because things were going GREAT and I was not expecting it. I cried and he hugged me and tried to make me feel better and told me not to cry. He told me I was great but he wanted to do this now rather than waiting longer and making it harder. When we said good bye he hugged me for a while and said he wanted to see

me again the day he gets back from a nearby town (he was leaving the next day and was going to be gone for a few days, it relates to his job and it's nothing weird) then he kissed me good night 3x. what should I do & why would he kiss me after that? :(
I was very heartbroken because I'm attached to him. he's been texting me while he's gone but I'm not chasing after him. We're close and it's sad he would do this to me. I actually don't think its FWB though he just said to slow down but
i can't tell what he wants. does he want to be with me or not? he says he cares about me but this hurts. then he kisses me? what should I do?
anyone else? I wish I had guys' opinions :(


Most Helpful Girl

  • Sounds like you need to make a choice here. You can either wait for him to go out there and have some experiences with other girls that will help him decide what he wants, or you can move on. The simple fact is, sometimes when we get out of long relationships we think the answer is to go out and "meet" different people. It's natural curiosity, but if he's telling you that sexual curiosity has no part in that, then he's not telling the truth. If you go out and date other people, sex will become an issue at some point. It's only natural to want to have sexual experiences with other people, especially if you've only really been with one or two people. So, his primary reason may not be motivated by sex, but sex does figure into it. I've been around long enough to know when someone is telling you something when they're trying to save your feelings and that is exactly what this guy is doing.

    Does this make him a bad person? Certainly not. It sucks that he let things get taken this far, knowing from the beginning that he was not looking for a serious attachment. Did you do something wrong? No, I don't think that you did. You sound like that type of person that prefers having a relationship with some longevity as opposed to entertaining brief, pointless flirtations with multiple people---and there is NOTHING wrong with that. You want something that will last and he wants to go out and have a few experiences hoping that that will show him what he's been missing and point him in the right direction. But, to be honest, no one else is going to be able to give him what he's looking for. He's not going to find peace of mind from someone else, the only person that can give that to him is him.

    Now, should you wait for him? Honestly, that is a question only you can answer. Who knows how long it will take for him to figure out what he wants. My advice? Don't hinge your happiness on this guy. There are plenty of other men out there that truly do know how to treat a lady and I don't think that you should wait around when you could be with someone who knows what he wants. Granted, at 19 years old, you still have a bit of growing up to do, but there is no reason for you to put your life on hold for this guy. Wipe away your tears and bring that chin up. You've been through a lot and you have so much to offer a man who is ready for it. Don't let pessimistic thinking get you down. Because if you do, this will only be one more experience that will make you think all men treat you badly. You need to break that circle of thinking. Once you let those feelings go, it will open the door for the right guy. You get what you put out. You create your reality. Change the way you think about men, and you will find that men approach you in relationships will change.

    I know, this probably seems like cold comfort now, but just give it a little time and thought. Things will change and good things will happen, if you let them.

    • Report

      Thank you, yes I do agree with what you are saying and I've been thinking the same things, I just needed some more opinions. He says he still wants to hang out and talk and my plan is to probably do that and be open to whatever happens in the meantime, if someone asks me out I would be open to going out and doing something with them. He isn't going to fill any void he has just by being with more girls than one, idon't think that being with multiple people will help any more than one nice perso

    • Report

      Just remember that if you do choose to hang out with this guy, it's not going to lessen your attachment to him. In fact, it's only going to make it that much harder for you to be open to dating anyone else. I'm 28 years old, I've been around the block a few times to know. It only complicates things to be around someone you have feelings for but can't truly be with.