How not to be hopeless with men - is it too late to turn it around?

[Anonymous]

I have major problems with getting guys. On paper, I have it all:

- I'm very good-looking, pretty face, nice figure and get attention from guys when I first meet them wherever I go. Some guys do double takes when they see me. (Don't mean to be arrogant - just putting it in context.)

- I'm intellectually gifted, I'm ambitious, and fortuanate in that I'm talented in many areas - the arts, maths, science, sports. I attend one of the best universities in the country and am doing very well.

- The thing most people tell me most often is that I'm a really nice person. I'm a genuine friend and make friends easily.

- I don't sleep around, I've never had casual sex and I respect myself. I respect other women too.

I should be able to get men very easily. However, my desire to succeed and excel in all areas of my life is actually ruining my chances of getting a boyfriend. When a guy initiates a conversation with me (especially if he's a nice guy), I just continue to show him interest after that - initiate conversations, (I don't do stupid things like bring them gifts or anything but just show continuous friendliness). This makes guys lose interest and lose respect for me.

I'm not sexually easy, but I think I may be too emotionally easy.

I don't show sexual interest in them, I'm just really friendly and it turns them off. I see the look on their faces when they first meet me and think I'm hot, to the look of "oh, she's nice, she's fun, she's just a friend" and it depresses me.

The only guys that I don't show interest in are players. Sadly, this makes them more interested and some have relentlessly pursued me, telling me that they're really a nice guy, and I get so desparate just to make out with a guy that I give in and kiss them and feel terrible later.

This creates a vicious cycle where my desire to date a nice man just increases, and so I try harder with nice guys and they just push me away even more.

I never used to be this confident or ambitious. I used to be so shy. It was then that I was extremely successful with boys. When they'd ask me out, I was so shy that I said "no" and this just made them fall in love with me. I didn't even love myself so much, and yet guys were dying to date me, and gave me attention for all the right reasons. I didn't even think I was pretty and thought guys were joking when they asked me to be their girlfriend. Looking back, I see that they weren't.

Now, I think I'm awesome and I can't get anyone. I need to discipline myself to be less forward. How can I do this?

Also, can I turn it around with the people that I already know?

Can I change some of these guys' opinions of me by being more aloof now, or have I ruined it for good?

There is one guy in particular that I could tell was so into me when we first met, but I was continuously friendly and asked him to help me in a project (he obliged), but after that he pretty much walks away when I say "hi"

[makesumwake]

interesting, actually you have a common problem.

most attractive girls have tons of options with guys - guys they don't really want.

they just end up settling, or playing men, where you havnt done that.

"The problem was that I was trying too hard"

close, but not quite the problem

the real problem is CARING TOO MUCH ABOUT THE OUTCOME

you want to try, but you have to NOT CARE what happens.

not trying would mean you should just keep sitting at home, making no effort at all, letting your health and fitness go to crap, getting fat and lazy, etc. - that won't work.

trying but not caring means you go out and do everything right, but once you have the beginning of an interaction with a guy - you MUST STOP CARING WHAT HAPPENS

by your own admission, you seem to meet interested guys with no problem. guys even chase you as long as... what?

=> YOU DONT CARE

you didn't care when you were younger. you don't care with guys who are players.

as soon as you meet a guy you like, you start caring all of a sudden and ruin it.

chemistry is created in the moment, second by second, when you are both focused 100% on just enjoying the energy and uncertainty of the moment, not knowing what will happen next, and not caring. have you ever been on a date with a guy who had an agenda?

the most amazing sexual tension is from being attracted but not knowing if the other person likes you or not, and vis versa. that happens when neither person has an agenda, and isn't showing to much interest.

when you CARE, you modify your natural behavior, and start coming across as manipulative.

when you don't care, you won't try to modify your behavior and be extra nice, or extra anything.

you will be yourself. because, since you don't care about the outcome, you have no reason NOT to be anything other than yourself.

what is attractive is not seeing the polished surface of someones facad, its seeing the real person, with the positives and negatives. when you don't care, you aren't trying to hide negatives or be fake in any way.

stop caring about the outcome. be OK with whatever happens being a surprise. enjoy the moment.

[Nathan01]

Most people we meet won't be interested in a long term relationship. Only a handful of people we meet in a lifetime are willing to commit. So figure that 99% of people you meet, or that anyone meets, are not going to be interested in a long term relationship. That's just life. If guys are turned off it is because they aren't going to get to have sex which is all they want. The guys who want you as a long term partner are what you are seeking. Give it more time. Eventually you will find the guy you are looking for.

[filledevoyage]

Thank you so much for this question. I have the exact SAME problem! I'm an ex-model and very athletic; I have many friends and no problems making new ones. I generally like people! I'm useless with men though :( I'm in my late twenties and quite successful in my job, I have travelled around the world alone and have even bought a house by myself. I am aware of trying not to come across as over-independent or aloof, but these things have to come up eventually as they are part of my life.

Not to discourage you, but I can honestly say that the "not caring" thing (i.e. matching his level of interest; not getting hopes up, keeping up with my own life/hobbies) doesn't seem to make much difference for me. Frankly, I'm starting to think that men really just want Disney Princesses who are looking for a man to save them (even those who say they do, don't - been there, done that).

You sound like a lovely person, and I'm so sad that you are having problems. I'd love to hear an update about how it's going with you and if you were able to find the magic "formula" - meanwhile, keep your head up: if you don't have a man it sounds like you have set your life up in such a way that you can still enjoy it.

Bonne courage!

[defiantdragonfly]

1) get rid of the ego. I know what its like to go from the dorky, shy girl to the cute, outgoing one, but what's even better is just being the you that you are when no one else is around

2) You are extremely desperate to be in a relationship, why not just go with the flow, cultivate your hobbies, push your brain to new levels, learn a new language or sport. Develop you as a person rather than half of a couple

3) Don't worry about what they think. LIke makesumwake says, you're too worried about the outcome, you are jumping ahead six months within the first six seconds of talking to a person. Live in the moment, be casual and have fun

4) RELAX, you're practically making me neurotic just reading your question. You are over analyzing everything. Breathe girl or you're going to explode

[jcoldstream]

I think your analysis is mistaken. Try finding boys who are interested in the same things you are, and doing things together. Forget about "becoming friends" or "staying friends," it doesn't mean anything. Instead, concentrate on the project. Keep the sex down to the level of teasing and suggestive chat.

You sound as though you would be very good in bed. Better than me anyway. Offer a boy a one nighter and see how it goes, but don't allow a repeat performance from the same boy for a few weeks.

[YouKnowThatGuy]

I agree with the other guy, desperation, it's basically the biggest turn off I have ever come across as a guy. You can be the nicest, smartest, drop dead gorgeous looking girl in the world, but if you are coming across as desperate, I'll be thinking more along the lines of "what's wrong with this girl?" than whether I want to date her.

Stop trying to find a guy, first things first. The moment I stopped TRYING to get a girlfriend, I IMMEDIATELY had more success with women. See I'm naturally very funny and smart, witty. The problem was that I was trying too hard. People can pick that up. It's not attractive. It's a repellent. Another guy friend had the exact same experience. He stopped trying, and instantly found more success.

Next you need to realize that interested should be matched step for step. Gauge how much interest somebody is showing you, and don't show them too much more than that. Slowly take the interest level up one notch, but nothing more. See if the other persons interest starts to rise. If it doesn't, tone it down. See how they react. If their interest level is completely unaffected, regardless of what you do, they probably aren't interested in you.

Don't be too available. There's nothing worse than a girl who comes off like she has no life. I'm my own person, and I want a significant other to be their own person too. But if you take this too far, they may just give up. If you are always too busy, they'll assume either your bs'ing them and you aren't interested, or your life is just too hectic for them to be a part of it.

Hope this helps a bit. All in all, you need to just stop trying so hard I think. Don't show people more interest than they warrant. If they are a stranger, treat them like a stranger, regardless of looks or initial charm.

[Asker]

Great answer. Thanks.

[htowngeorge]

Hello

You're a decent girl who don't sleep around and that right there is gold because decent guys look for decent girls who haven't been around. I've some what done my own study took notes or what ever and although way older than you I'm sure I'm still in touch on a certain level. With girls they are full of beauty flowing every where, but with guys not so, they traditionally are the bread winners in life and that's a lot of their self worth. They have to feel self worth in this area when it comes to his success. If she is ahead of him in the bread winner area it may tend to push him away if he somewhat loses his feeling of self worth or importance for a relationship. It sounds like you have your life very well together and that's great. But maybe you need to keep that part on the down low until the guy really gets to know you. If he thinks he can't provide for you or at least that's been my experience, if he believes you'll require it or he can't measure up successfully it may scare him off. As far as openness cut back a little there and try meeting him 50/50. And yes I think you should try reverting a little back to show that little shyness you had and it may help. So try not being too overly open and see what happens. What do you have to lose?

[_Gerald_]

What can you offer guys?

You might be smart, but we can hang out with smart guy friends.

Here's a problem us guys face. We're willing to spend genuine time with a girl if we can get sex afterward. However, like in your experience, we can talk to girls for a long time but it's still hard for us to get sex. Since we don't know beforehand whether or not a girl is interested in sex, we are wary of having a "long-term relationship" with a girl. It's too easy to waste time and not get any sex in return.

You have to be MORE "forward". Have sex with them. How else would I know if you are interested in being a friend or something more?

[Anonymous]

I am in a similar situation except that I am a guy.
What I have noticed is that I unwittingly start talking about my work and business, halfway or sooner within a conversation; perhaps this may also be an issue? I am also a bit eccentric and I like to finish sentences, etc. etc. To many, I seem too forward about my opinions and it makes people feel like I'm snobby or they may feel inferior.
Also, some men have an issue with inferiority complex and need to be dominant in a relationship.

Being a very strong individual is a good thing but like you, I have accepted the fact that I must be patient, to meet a significant other that can understand everything about me; just be patient and don't hesitate when you can sense a good opportunity.

[Anonymous]

You sound a bit obsessed about finding a guy to the point of desperate. Perhaps your personality is what is driving these guys away. I have been with (for a short period of time) women who have an annoying quality like asking what I was thinking every few minutes. Sounded like a broken record despite telling her how annoying that was.

This might change with time but it's best to have someone who is honest tell you what discouraged them.

[Asker]

Thanks for your input. I think you're right in that I may come across as a bit desparate. But when I'm in a relationship I'm not like that. I'm independant and I was really laid back with my ex, we never argued. It's just the getting into a relationship that's the hard bit. I might ask someone to tell me what discourages them, it would take a lot of nerve, but it would be helpful.

[aleftina]

all yo problems will dissapear when you ll meet a MAN FOR U:)so don't try be better or worth - just live like that birds from Bible

[Kaylababe36]

Well,nothing wrong with being flirty for a while.Get rid of that weird ego of urs.Ur a girl.

[Asker]

Yeah - I don't think I come across as egotistical though, I think I come across more as desparate. I do have a high opinion of myself, but I keep it to myself. Some people tell me I'm too modest, but that's just because I don't wanna seem arrogant.

I think there is something wrong with being flirty. I think guys like to be the ones who flirt. Men like to have control over the situation.

And that is something I'm not good at and have to accept.

[Kaylababe36]

Well,guys don't go for someone who s desperate,its like hunting...ur not letting them enjoy the chase.

[Asker]

That's very true. I'm hoping if I back off in a major way things should start to change after a couple of months, and they may be like "hey, that girls not talking to me any more." All in all, I also need to concentrate more on myself and forget about finding a guy. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

You almost sound too easy to get along with. Maybe you're acting like a doormat?

[Asker]

Yes - I think this could be also the problem. I think I'm too nice aswell. I try to be mean, it's just something that was programmed into me and I don't know how to get rid of it.

[Opinion Owner]

Come on, I'm sure something pisses you off. You should express that sometimes. Not by punching someone in the face. Just give them a dirty look, or walk away if they're being particularly sh*tty.

[Asker]

Of course if someone p*sses me off I give them dirty looks/walk away. If someone is rude once, I'll complain, if someone is continuously rude I'll cut them off. But until that point, I'm just really nice. I'm working on it, but that's what my parents are like and it's difficult to undo that.