What does a modern douche bag look like?

[McQuacker]

I need to buy new clothes and I need to know what not to do.

I''m not up to the times, so I understand the American Eagle looking douche bag, and the Jersey shore type. But I hear there are other types like the hipster ones, and swag ones. I don't understand current fads. please help thx :)

Updates

+1 y

YAY 666 XPER

[johnnysmoke]

I don't know if this will help, given the stereotype and my perceived general perception (if that makes sense) that women are attracted to 'jerks' (replace with your negative noun of choice)... but the Modern Douchebag (uncleanlius modernus) is better experienced than studied. Not only on clothing is a Douchebag based, as there are many different varieties. My Douche Detector (DD) has been honed to the point of razor-sharp douche-felling power; but short of hiring myself out to follow you around and alert you to when you and/or others are acting like a Douche, there are a few tips I can dispense... the final one, however, is the most important:

1) Work in Retail and/or Customer Service. This does NOT include call centers. To get an accurate Modern Douche sample, the specimen must be both seen and heard. A larger sample base will ensure extensive exposure to the MD.

2) Sniff often. More than clothing, the MD can be discovered by the nose. Many times, the MD will be wearing a cheap imitation of a great cologne. Rarely is this undetectable. Even the most histamine-resistant noses will want to spasm at the slightest exposure to imitation English Leather.

3) Observe the walk. A straight, springy walk is the sign of one well on his way to NON-Douchedom. On the other hand, should you walk with 'swagger', 'finesse', or a 'strut', you should re-evaluate your bipedal transport style, and perhaps search on Google for 'how to walk properly.' [Side note: sounds ridiculous, but you actually SHOULD check this..]

4) Watch for gratuitous slang. If you hear a white man that sounds like he is from rural Atlanta, ask yourself: is this man indeed from rural Atlanta, or at least anywhere in the deep south? Did he grow up in an urban center? If still uncertain, ask CORI, 'Does this man have any criminal history?' If yes, search said criminal history for the Unholy Trinity of Douchery: assault, rape, murder. And as in the Catholic church, finding one is finding all three.

5) If you say 'legit', and are not MC Hammer, you will have your ass kicked... by MC Hammer.

6) If you make either a Taylor Swift reference, or a Justin Bieber reference, and are neither Taylor Swift nor Justin Bieber, you shall have your ass kicked by both of the above.

***FINAL*** : After observing said Modern Douchebags, and realizing you are guilty of any of the above factors, do your best to realize the driving force behind the hatred thereof. Look in a mirror, examine your actions, and compare yourself to the Ideal Douche. If the Douchery Level is too high for you, take actions to reduce your douchery. This may include putting the muffler back on your Civic, showering more than once a week, adding sleeves to your wardrobe, abandoning veganism, or all of the above.

Good luck!

--JohnnyS

PS: Yes, sardonic and joking, but NOT entirely inaccurate. And stay the HELL away from Abercrombie... bastards.

[McQuacker]

i just bought AF swim trunks. do I have to buy new ones now? :(

[blackwaterhattie]

I agree with everything EXCEPT for your disallowance of the use of the word "legit". If used with self-deprecation and/or sardonic with for the purpose of mockery, "legit" is a completely legit adjective. I urge you to rethink your stance on the use of this word.

[johnnysmoke]

Haha! A good argument. I suppose I was put off the word by a former coworker who used to say "legitly" all the time... and THAT was horrible. =D

[johnnysmoke]

And with regard to the swim trunks... well, if you've bought them, you've bought them. One option is to find a beach bum and give 'em to him... since AF would rather burn their unsold clothing than donate them to anyone. (Can't post link, so... google it =P ) They only want the cool/skinny/muscular people wearing their stuff, so, if there's a homeless beach-dweller around... nice stab at 'em! ^_^

[Couter]

Check out this guys Youtube Channel

https://www.YouTube.com/watch?v=7y1SJxEd49g

He gives some pretty great advice when it comes to dressing sharp.

Don't follow fads or fashion. They change constantly and you'll never be able to keep up. Even celebrities have teams of people figuring out what their next outfit is going to be. Go for some classic styles that will still look good 10 years from now.

Skinny jeans, baggy sweaters and hipster glasses are fashion.

Dark blue jeans, a collared shirt (polo or button), and a blazer is a style.

[Couter]

More specifically, I think douche bags tend to dress in a way where their outfit is a lot more noticeable than them as a person. You want your clothes to look good on you, but not be so distracting that it draws focus from what you're saying.

[McQuacker]

im 21. The style would make me look too old :(

I said I didn't wanna look like I'm going to a yacht club. ie fitted polo shirt and chino shorts

This is good advice if I'm generally but more for people over 25.

[Couter]

I'm only 23 :)

If collars aren't your style, you're stuck with jeans and t-shirts. Men don't get too much selection when it comes to clothes.

It doesn't really matter what you wear, as long as

a) It fits properly. No baggy clothes, no super tight clothes.

b) It's not cheap. It may be tempting to go buy clothes at Wal-Mart, but trust me. Buying one quality shirt that fits your body and will last for years is a much better investment than buying 5 shirts that don't fit and stretch out.

[thegirlwithgreeneyes]

It sounds like you've gotten a lot of helpful advice on here already, but I'll go ahead and throw my two cents in:

I think you should wear what you feel comfortable in, first and foremost. It's also important to wear clothes that actually fit you right. Super loose clothing and sagging jeans is extremely off-putting (makes you look like a douche). Likewise, try not to wear clothes that are clearly too small for you and look as though you should have thrown them out back in grade school.

A lot of the men in my hometown simply wore bootcut jeans with a semi-tight tee, so a pretty simple sense of style... As another girl said, and especially if your arms are on the nicer side, a dress shirt with jeans is nice to see on a man (sleeves rolled or unrolled).

Not sure how the guys are dressing where you live, but it is somewhat rare for me to come across a well-dressed man where I live, so I'm not really sure if you want to follow the current fads haha.

[thegirlwithgreeneyes]

Oh and for the title question...

link

link

link

[McQuacker]

Those pics you should me are just people who look like hipster morons.

I live in the Northeast. But I don't wanna look like I'm going to a yacht club.

[thegirlwithgreeneyes]

But they kind of fit into the "douche" category though.

[confugirl]

Modern douche bags wear tight solid-colored shirts, shave the sides of their heads and show their abs all the time. On a more serious note, if you don't want to look like a douche bag, avoid these link and these link and this hair link and pull your pants up.

[McQuacker]

the guys on the last pic look homosexual not douchbag.

Whats wrong with stickers on the hat? I like the holographic ting

[confugirl]

It's like leaving the pricetag on your shirt. Except most guys don't realize because they like the shiny

[puplecard]

You can't go wrong with Cargo shorts and just a plain shirt... Or I personally love it when a guy wears a dress shirt with jeans. Personally, I just go to goodwill and buy the clothes and mix with store bought clothes and you have the best budgeted outfits! Be creative tho!

[McQuacker]

i don't wanna look homeless. I have money to spend at like Nordstrom. I just don't wanna look pretentious

[puplecard]

You think clothes at goodwill look homeless? I buy name brand stuff there all the time that still have tags on them!

[McQuacker]

I am a mens small. its very hard for me to find clothes even in regular stores, I imagine it even harder in thrift stores

[Shpongolia]

There is no precise douche bag attire.

Douche bags come from all kinds of subcultures. For example I know of: popped-collar douche bags, wife beater wearing douche bags, fratboy douche bags, redneck douche bags, hipster douche bags, nerd douche bags, ivy league douche bags, urban-ghetto douche bags, yuppie douche bags, environmentalist douche bags, church-going douche bags, emo douche bags, and more. But you get what I'm saying.

But I would say that the only brand labels that scream douche bag are Affliction and Tapout.

[McQuacker]

i know there are different types, I just need to need what specifically not to buy.

So I guess Affliction and Tapout are out. Probably Ed Hardy and Guess right?

[tomfeltonforever]

Modern douche bag? I think there's two. 1) Orange spray tan, hair gel overload, gym rat, smells like the Axe factory exploded on them, disrespectful, and loud. 2) Complains about friend zone, hates women for wanting equal rights, wears fedora, says that he's nice but people hate him because he's too "nice", probably smells like cheetos

[McQuacker]

First guy is a jersey shore guy / gym rat / guy with a small wiener

Second guy is a just a hipster

[tomfeltonforever]

small weiner from all the steroids

[McQuacker]

i remember when I took a trial membership to LA Fitness for a week.

Day one I was offered steroids. Turns out over 75% of the guys there are on steroids.

Planet Fitness may be less serious, but no one is on roids there.

[tomfeltonforever]

that's weird

i've went to retro fitness and the Y and none offered me steroids... but then again I'm a girl and muscle building's typically a dude thing

[McQuacker]

its a guy thing. I don't know any girl who has ever taken steroids.

I've even been offered steroids at my workplace from the guys who workout

[tomfeltonforever]

no point in getting steroid muscles anyway - messes with the whole body, they often look fake, and they'll eventually turn to flab!

[McQuacker]

that's a misconception. There are roids nowadays that are so advanced that will make you big, lean and cut.

link

that guy is on roids called winstrol. It would take me one more year to get to that level. that's my goal but to do it naturally

[Vendrix]

I think it matters more how you act in your clothes than how you dress. But generally if you dress nice when you are in polite company or comfortable but not ridiculous (T-shirt outside when hot, not bro-tank) you won't come off in a negative way.

I have always worn what I feel like wearing, but the way I interact with people and how I hold myself (posture) seems to work.

[McQuacker]

i always wear a bro tank though during the summer ><

[Vendrix]

around who? :D I guess its also the culture of the area that needs to be taken into consideration.

[McQuacker]

Well I came from SoCal but live in the northeast now. I must look like an a**hole

[Vendrix]

Heh, I'm from Oregon, so I know your SoCal type. :D Don't know about NE tho

[McQuacker]

NE is just obnoxious. You either gotta be wearing clothes that are more urban or gangsta, or you're in celtics, patriots, or red sox and now bruins gear

[Cuddle_Muffin]

link

[LovelySerene]

This right here is the truth

[smilesgirl]

My advice to you is buy something because you like it. Don't try to be or look like anything or anyone but yourself.

[McQuacker]

i really like crocs because they're breathable but my sisters said I look like I want attention and not the good kind

[smilesgirl]

They make more styles now. You should be able to find the comfort you like in a pair that is still stylish, that you still like. It's OK to take others opinion into account as long as you end up happy with one of the options you pick.

[McQuacker]

i made another question called dumbest fashion trend ever for men. crocs was no. 1.

I don't think I can. I'm not brave like you :(

[martyfellow]

Anyone who comments on other people's attire in a deprecating way..regardless of what THEY are wearing..

Anyone who comments on women's breast sizes to other guys without being asked his or her opinion.

[blackwaterhattie]

Tapout, Ed Hardy, Affliction. Please... no. The madness has to stop.

[McQuacker]

whats wrong with Tapout? I wanna look like a little tough guy

[blackwaterhattie]

you said it! A little tough guy! Okay, fine. If you can execute a rear naked choke and an omoplata, you can wear Tapout.

[McQuacker]

my uncle was a muay thai fighter who fought in the pits of Thailand during the civil war in the 70s to feed his family, until his bones calloused over.

He then trained me from a little kid until I was 16, and like a typical American, just thought it wasn't cool to learn anymore.

But yeah you're right. I don't qualify to wear Tap Out :(

[blackwaterhattie]

Immediately go out and purchase a Tapout shirt for your uncle. GO, QUICKLY!

[McQuacker]

I'm really not joking about my uncle.

He was forced to join the army during the Vietnam war but fought on the other side, and did do muay thai fighting in Thailand when his family came as refugees. Not the BS tourist traps that Americans go to.

Can't disrespect him like that.

[blackwaterhattie]

I wasn't joking, either. He might be one of the 1% of individuals who should wear a Tapout shirt. Now go buy him one, and take him out. Sic him on anyone wearing a shirt like his. Film it. Charge people to watch it. (I would pay to watch.) Then give him a cut of the proceeds. 70% for him, 30 for you. Now you have a project. get on it.

[smalls1995]

I just about puke in my mouth every time I see someone wearing ed hardy.

[kheserthorpe]

Most of the hipsters around here look like emaciated lumberjacks. A few dress instead like 1920's college chemistry professors. I hope that's helpful.

[lauramor]

yeah hollister or American eagle. Other than that I don't like guys that wear chains and really baggy clothes.

[McQuacker]

Im confused so its okay to wear like those tight graphic t-shirts now?

[lauramor]

when did I say that haha?

[McQuacker]

i don't know how to buy clothes. I usually make my brother buy it for him, but he's out of state for the next year :(

[lauramor]

Well then buy clothes that are similar totheones you have

[McQuacker]

My brother said the cut of the clothes matter. I might have to get a girlfriend and make her shop for me >_>

[lauramor]

Or ask girl friends for help

[McQuacker]

I don't have female friends. My guy friends keep trying to get with them so if I hang out with them alone, my guy friends get jealous and end up pissed at me.

It's kinda messed up now that I think about it..

[lauramor]

A little haha

[yaddayaddayadda02]

link

[McQuacker]

that's not from the early 90s?

[yaddayaddayadda02]

That was just a couple of months ago

[Anonymous]

The best way to not look like a douche bag is to avoid anything that falls into a category that could be described as a "fad"

[McQuacker]

but if I get timeless clothes like you describe I'd to go to my tailor and get it all sized :/

[Anonymous]

is this where the uncool kids sit around and joke how everyone who dresses better than them are douches? alrighty then lol

[McQuacker]

shut up meg =.=

[Anonymous]

Don't but clothes from Hollister or Abercrombie and fitch.That's the frat boy douche bag.

Your xper count number is...triple 6s! :o

[McQuacker]

I am evil duck

[Opinion Owner]

"Buy"

Hahhaha!

[Jamesthehuman]

Flat bill hat. Baggy pants. Shirts that are too big...flat bill hats

[McQuacker]

isn't that gangster or swag and not d-bag?

[Anonymous]

Neon Ray-Ban Wayfarers, retro tank top, tight mid-thigh length shorts, Vans slip ons. Don't forget that ridiculous hipster-fied Duck's Ass haircut too.

[Anonymous]

I think being a douche bag is all depending how you act.

[McQuacker]

I know I'm not a d-bag on the inside, but I don't wanna be a d-bag on the outside

[dommage]

think somebody that seems as if he was cast in the jersey shore show

[Anonymous]

Abercrombie and fitch, hollister

Anything that Jewish preppy kids wear

[McQuacker]

whats jewish prep look?

Ive never heard of that

[Opinion Owner]

link

I hate him

[McQuacker]

lol thanks no polos, no bow ties, no wayfarers got it

That guy does look pretentious

[blackwaterhattie]

I hate that guy, too- and I'm Jewish.

[smalls1995]

Putting the Jewish part is not necessary.

[McQuacker]

ur not jewish. you wouldn't understand

[SwissCheeze]

LOL at this question.

[wallflowervulpine]

My ex-boyfriend