Boyfriend says he's not all that attracted to me any more?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend has been hyper-critical about everything lately so I decided to confront him about it tonight. I explained that a compliment wouldn't go amiss once in a while either, which basically lead on to him telling me that he found me much less attractive than when we met, since I've gained weight over the past 4 years. Just to explain, I had anorexia for a few years in my teens but got a lot better with treatment, however when I met my boyfriend at 21 I was only eating every other day or so hence I was pretty skinny. I told him eventually that I'd had food/weight issues and consciously decided to gain some weight for my health. About a year ago now I decided to quit smoking and gained quite a lot of weight around that time, bringing me to my current weight with a BMI of 23. I have been quite healthy and happy at this weight until my boyfriend revealed his lack of attraction tonight. Now I feel really confused; I don't know how to feel or what to do next. As soon as he'd said it he looked at me and I could see he regretted making his admission, perhaps my own face betrayed me because I was pretty sunken. I'm glad that he did though, because I imagine it's a pretty important thing to know. Is this the end, though? I know he still loves me, but now every time that he touches me I cringe and want him to stop - we've always had a great sex life, but now I can't imagine wanting to be naked with him knowing that he hardly desires me. I could lose weight, though not to the extent I'd look the way I did when we met and maintain that long-term. I seem to get a lot of attention from guys still and I think generally I'm considered quite pretty, just not to my boyfriend obviously.

What to do? Please help!

[viva_glow]

I want to start by saying that 23 is very normal BMI and I'm sure you look very great. 23 BMI isn't even considered overweight. Personally, I don't know what your boyfriend's problem is. But I'm not here to criticize him either.

I'm so sorry to here this. I've gained a few pounds since going gluten-free, and I calculated my BMI which is also about a 23. I think it's because gluten was impeding nutrient absorption in my body because my eating habits haven't changed. Reading your story, I could feel everything you said as if it might happen to me, and it seems scary. I can't tell you the empathy I have for your situation.

To be honest, I don't think I have an answer. This is kind of one of those pivotal moments in a relationship that could determine its entire fate. You seem like an intelligent girl. I don't think that anyone on this forum can give you an answer. And if they think they can, they're wrong. There's nothing you can actively do to fix the problem. It would be different if you were overweight... but you're not. You're normal. The fact that he is not attracted to you seems kind of beyond vain to me. And if you tried to lose weight, I don't think it would be healthy for your self-esteem or your relationship. It sends the wrong message to him and yourself. If you want to get in shape, go for it. I can't tell you not to. But it worries me that there could be deeper-seated issues that might just be covered over if you lost the weight to make him "attracted to you again". I can't judge your relationship. I don't know for sure. But I'm just stating my opinion. But alas, you're in a tough position.

So here's the best advice I can give you.

Go sit and think about what's bothering you. How it makes you feel. Hell, watch something emotional if it will prepare you. Think deeply and reflect on your situation, thoughts and feelings. Then right it down. As hard as it is on your heart, with wild tears, write on paper exactly how you feel. Imagine yourself talking to your boyfriend, saying everything you'd want to say but may not have the balls to say.

And then save that paper and highly consider reading those things to him. It's harder to say it when it comes fresh from your thoughts. But once it's been deliberated and recorded, it's easier to follow through with. And then you just have to watch how things unfold.

I wish you luck. You're in my prayers!

[Asker]

Thank you so much viva, I really appreciate you putting so much thought into your response and I will heed your advice.

[Asker]

I think you hit the nail on the head about losing weight.. I could stand to lose a little and still be healthy, but I think in the back of my mind I'd always be thinking "is he attracted to me yet?", which doesn't seem quite right. We had been thinking about starting family in the next couple of years.. I guess my body would change even more drastically if that were to happen.

[viva_glow]

Of course, it's no problem. I just wish you the best.

And yeah, that's kind of exactly what I meant. The fact that you bring this new information sheds some new light on things too... I think you have the right idea.

It may be something to consider bringing up when you talk to him... the fact of your body changing as you get older and if you have kids. It could put a lot of things in perspective for your boyfriend.

After you talk to him, give him time to reflect too.

[Asker]

Sure, I'm 25 now and we met when I was 21, I'd have thought that some weight gain might be expected in that time of life anyway, I may be wrong. I think you're right, talking to him about that may help. Oddly enough he's gained more weight during this time and has become actually overweight, though he is still attractive to me just the same.

[viva_glow]

Haha don't get me wrong, but after that last sentence you just said, I kind of wish I could deck him! I feel like he has no right.

Alas, men can be rather blind when it comes to such things, and this is an emotional issue you two can work out if your love is strong enough. It hasn't been 4 years for no reason.

[Darkfairie17]

I think you need to let yourself heal from this and move on. I had a boyfriend too once who told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore. He was also hyper-critical about things.

Thing was, I am a bigger girl naturally. I have wide shoulders, big boobs, thick thighs, always have. He, unfortunately, thought that with exercise I would become some petite girl. I am not petite, never have been, and probably never will be since that's not my body type. But he couldn't accept it. So he broke up with me.

It's hard, but honestly you want to be with someone who finds you attractive. Trying to alter yourself and lose weight won't make you happy in the long-term either. You had issues and you sound like you are in a better place now. Don't jeopardize that to try and win him back.

Find someone who appreciates you the way you are now, and wants the best for you. If he loved you, he would know your struggle and not be picky about your weight. Besides, a BMI of 23 is not overweight at all.

Go out with your friends, talk to them and keep yourself busy. Trying to win him back will only hurt you more. It's not worth it.

When my ex boyfriend who was controlling broke up with me, I let him go. And I'm glad I did, because I met a better match for me eventually :)

[MrWhiteGuy420]

First off he is a complete a**hole and a fukin stupid one at that! I am capable of saying mean things and be an a**hole too,but to tell your partner(the one you love and respect as your other half) that suffered from anorexia that she's gaining weight is more than awful. I would have kicked his ass for that. You need to throw him out and tell him to never show his creepy face again. That inexcusable and you need to not be a push over! F***him up! If you were my sister his ass would end up missing!

[dudeman]

the old saying goes women want men to change and men want women to stay the same. I always thought that was accurate

[adventskalender]

All relation depends on mutual attraction and respect. If you accept someone you accept him/her what he is, there is good and bad in all. But if you love truly someone you don't impose to change him. if your physical attraction makes him closer or go far then he don't worth for you. Love is game of heart no just what you see. The inner beauty matters most. You are humble and honest girl. if you feel you should loose weight then its your decision not other to impose you to get skinny so he can show off you to others. In that case if you get skinny and marry him and when you gain weight he will leave you. I think you are wasting your time on a wrong person. Rest its your choice.