Going through your partner's phone?

My girlfriend boyfriend told her she can't look in his phone anymore...am I the only person who thinks that is f up? My boyfriend can get on my phone whenever he wants because I have nothing to hide and he does the same thing.

Do other couples do this?


Most Helpful Guy

  • People need a certain amount of privacy. Nobody is perfect, and if you were TOTALLY honest with anyone, you wouldn't be able to have a healthy relationship.

    NEVER go through people's stuff without permission. IMHO, going through people's stuff is one of the worst things that you can do in a relationship. If you do not trust the person who you are with, you tell them. And then if they are not willing to make changes so that you will be able to trust them, then it is up to you whether or not you want to leave them.

    People want their privacy for different reasons. Think about it... There are many reasons other than infidelity why he may not want her looking at his phone.

    By all means, this probably means something. But you can't use this alone as a reason not to trust someone... Fair enough if he was acting suspicious leading up to him asking her not to look at his phone, but if not, then being bothered by something like this conveys insecurity.


What Guys Said 19

  • I've heard of partners checking others phones, and I find it deplorable. It's a breach of trust. Especially if one is doing it behind the others back. A phone, like a computer or a diary, is a collection of private thoughts, feelings, and conversations one has with others or themselves (in the case of the diary). We don't always want our thoughts to be known to everyone. We each deserve some privacy.

    To me, the act of even asking to go through ones phone would mean that she doesn't trust me. Trust, at least to me, is the foundation upon one builds a relationship. If it's not there, the relationship is doomed to fail. I'd be angry she asked to do so. That being said, I'd be *furious* if she did so behind my back and I found out about it. That, to me, would be the death knell for the relationship. Not only would she not be trusting me, but she'd care nothing for my privacy, and attempting to do it secretly is akin to lying.

    I'd personally never ask to see ones phone. She'd be allowed to have her own life and conversations. Also think on the fact that any conversations or such, generally are understood to be private by the person you were talking to. Maybe a coworker calls or texts needing to vent about something confidential, or a family member calls telling you of their medical issues. If someone goes through your phone, they now may know those details. They'd probably be mad at whomevers phone it was.

    To summarize, I don't think it's right, and would not condone it.

  • It's a matter of respect. To not respect my privacy is to not respect me. I am very secretive about the stories I write and my art. I do not want anyone seeing them without my approval.

    Whether the guy has something to hide or not is irrelevant. Sometimes we just need to draw a line in the sand to know that the woman we are with isn't a jealous, controlling bitch of a drama queen. Respecting the boundaries he establishes for privacy's sake are necessary to keep him from feeling smothered and reminding him you're not a jealous, clingy bitch.

    • It's also a smack in the face telling you that your partner doesn't trust you. Sucks.

    • It's also a smack in the face for the girl asking to check your phone. *She's* the one that has trust issues. If she were fully into the relationship and trusted her partner, she'd not ask to look at his phone.

  • I would let my girlfriend go through my phone if it made her feel more at ease. But that is just me. lol

  • It's a matter of perspective. In a relationship, there should be no boundaries, to a certain extent, and have noting to hide. But even in a relationship, both partners should have their own personal space, and for me, my cell phone would be included in that. I guess the best way to explain it would be a woman's purse. Sure my girlfriend wouldn't mind if I went through hers but that doesn't mean I will or expect to be allowed to whenever I feel like it. I will always ask her like "hey do you have a pen in your purse?"

  • other couples do this yes, but there are trust issues... If I know someone goes through my phone I will delete what I don't want people to see

  • No, I don't think it's messed up. I'm just like you, I have nothing to hide. Which is why I don't see why someone needs to be going through my phone. It's not the act of going through my phone, it's the reason behind it. To me, it's a sign that she doesn't trust me and is insecure about something. Both of those are not my fault and I don't see why she should be mad at me if I told her to stay out of my phone, when I did nothing at all to her.

    Gain some trust and leave your insecurities behind before they ruin relationships.

  • I think that it depends on how advanced the relationship is. I don't care either way. If she does fine, if she doesn't fine. How can two people really become one if they are always hiding things from each other. However, if she were looking to check up on me I would feel hurt and angry. If she were just looking to see what's going on in my life or at pics or something then I wouldn't be bothered at all and she wouldn't even have to ask . lol

  • Depends on how honest you want to me. If you abuse the privilege and drunk dial friends of his, he would have a legitimate reasoning for wanting you to stay away from his phone. Or if you were texting his friends on your phone, it might get awkward. Or maybe he is hiding an opinion that he knows you will be offended to hear from him. Although, infidelity is a highly probable explanation somehow or sexting is taking place.

  • It's just sincere. Privacy is being protected. You don't have to be fully stripped of all privacy in a relationship.

  • I personally don't care if my girlfriend goes through my phone, since she's pretty cool and I have nothing in there to hide. If she felt like she regularly NEEDED to go through my phone, then I would definitely have a problem.

  • Phone checking is a childish immature thing, which is done by most people who are insecure.

  • I do think it's f'ed up. I would never dare to check my gf's phone, or email. Even when she asks me to pass her something from her handbag , I will hand her the bag rather than go through its contents.

    If to continue to strive to find a problem, you will, (innocent or not) and most likely find an excuse rather than a reason. What makes you so suspicious in the first place?

    • Isn't that the truth! lol I think the ladies of our society have taught us guys well, maybe too well, to not go in their purse. I never do it, and feel like I'm commuting a grave sin if I reach into a lady's purse.

  • I'd let my girlfriend go through anything she wanted..

  • id leave her if she went through my stuff. she's not my wife.

  • if you have to go thru ur girlfriend's/boyfriend's phone the nobviously there is no trust in the relationship

    • Very Nice Answer. My ex Girlfriend and I don't do that because we trust each other, oh she doesn't really trust me...LOL

  • Hes cheating on her...

  • I never go through my girlfriend phone because I trust her but sometimes she shows me her cell phone and sometimes I show her my cell phone we don't have any trust issue and I think going through cell phone is not very big issue in relationship

  • The personal boundaries people draw are up to them. The fact that he does not want her to be looking through his "phone" which these days contains a substantial amount of personal information, is not unsurprising. How deep is the relationship? How long have them been going together? How much of themselves have they each committed to the relationship and what level of trust exists? You say your phone is searchable by your boyfriend, what about your purse? Most women I have known are fairly sensitive about someone going through the contents of their purse, which for a guy these days would be a fairly similar invasion.

    • What would a girl hide in her purse?? seriously! the worst thing you would find in a purse is a tampon! If you have nothing to hide you shouldn't get nerves or upset when your partner looks at your phone.

    • I don't give a sh*t who goes through my purse. There is nothing in there I'd have to hide from anyone let alone my significant other. All your going to find is make up, pens, paper, some trash, old reciepts, hair ties, and other random crap I threw in there to take along. lol..

What Girls Said 40

  • Now I would understand the need for him to tell your friend to not look through his phone if she was compulsively snooping through it, as he might begin to feel that his privacy is being invaded and that she does not trust him. But if he said it out nowhere (and your friend has never looked through his phone) then I would be suspicious.

    As for snooping in general. I don't mind my boyfriend going through my phone to play games, look at my pictures or talk to mutual friends on my Blackberry messenger. But to be perfectly honest, I would not like him going through my text messages or checking my call logs or even going through my e-mail. Not because I have anything to hide from him, which I certainly don't, but because snooping around would indicate to me that he's insecure and does not trust me, qualities that I wouldn't want my boyfriend to have.

    Just because they're your boyfriend/girlfriend, doesn't mean you automatically have the right to invade their privacy and that they should be okay with that.

  • Personally, I think its a load of bs if one person can go through the other persons phone but then freak out if their phone is gone through. I do feel as though they are trying to hide something. What is the big deal? It's a phone and if you aren't using it to cheat or anything like that then why does it matter? It has nothing to do with privacy if he has the right to go through her stuff but she doesn't have the right to go through his. That is controlling. In a relationship things should be equal, he shouldn't have more or less rights than the girl in the relationship. People shouldn't need to hide anything from their significant other either.

    To WeaponZero: So the guy can be a jealous asshole and look through her stuff but when its the other way around the girl should just accept his need for privacy? What about her "privacy"? Its one thing if neither of the parties in the relationship go through the others phone, its another if the guy decides that he won't respect her wanting to see his phone. Just because its his doesn't mean he can be petty and childish enough to say "well its mine so you can't look through it". Stories and art aren't communication between you and other people that you are hiding. Interesting how guys can be jealous and controlling but girls cant.

    • Not at all. It for a both ways. I would never invade her privacy either. Not on a million years.

    • Alright good because it seemed as though that's what you meant. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

    • Ha yes it is interesting..! I have read several Q&A on this and from my own experiences.. 99% of these men feel it is OK for them to go through their woman's things but not for her to go through his phone? Which IS A LINE OF COMMUNICATION like you said..and cellphones are a great way to hide lies and cheating...

  • Chew on this. I am a fan of protecting my privacy but what could I possibly have to keep private from my partner? Can't think of anything, other than cheating or lying.

    With that said, I would not snoop through my partner's phone but if he acted funny about me not touching or looking at his phone AND he was acting in a way that made it appear he was trying to hide things from me, he just wouldn't be a guy I would be in a relationship with. I am down to earth and not interested in dating men of mystery...

  • You shouldn't need to look through each other's phones unless there is no trust involved. So it's best to start the habit of not doing it early. However, the fact that he randomly says she has to stop is a red flag. They shouldn't be going through each other's phones in the first place, but he practically announced that he's doing some dirty work behind the scenes. Truth of the matter though, she doesn't need to look through his phone. If she feels right now that she can't trust him because of it, she needs to dump him. It'll never work long term.

  • I think it's really hard to gauge where the line is in those situations.. because everyone wants different amounts of privacy. It's something that really depends on the person you're with.

    My boyfriend and I are not secretive with each other about anything.. he can grab my phone to use it or look at pictures or whatever, or he can ask who I'm texting/talking to, and I can do the same with him. We don't feel the need to do it very often though, so I guess that's why neither of us are bothered by it.

    It seems kind of weird that your friend's boyfriend just told her that now. It implies that she had been looking through his phone before right? If it was very often, maybe he just got annoyed, which is understandable, it can be bothersome being with someone who's very jealous/insecure and wants to know everything at all times. On the other hand, if she rarely looked in his phone anyway, it does seem like he could be hiding something. How often is he on his phone, do you know? Because I know I've had bad experiences with guys who are CONSTANTLY texting/talking on the phone, but they never mention who they're talking to.

  • I'd rather my boyfriend didn't go through my phone because I do text other guys as FRIENDS but that is because I genuinely get on with guys better.

    Although I'm not hiding anything, he's pretty sensitive about it, and would get insecure because that's just who he is.. He knows I love him but sometimes you just can't help jealousy.

    But I wouldn't ever tell him he couldn't, if he wanted to, he could.. but he's not really that fussed.

    I go through his phone if I want, I don't go looking for stuff though, it's purely just bordem sometimes so pick up his phone.

    I don't feel the need to scroll through his messages, I look at other things like songs or pictures.

    We're OK, if he gets a text he says "read that out to me or something" and I would do the same to him..

    But like I said, I'd prefer him not to but I'd never disallow him to.

  • I don't see the need for anyone to go though my phone. I've had private conversations with my friends that aren't bad about other guys but something to do with them. People don't need to know who you talk to every min of the day! I have nothing to hide but no one gets to see my phone besides my best friend but he knows everything and I know to delete messages I don't want people to see. No letting someone see your phone means nothing because there's always a delete button

  • It is nice that he let her look in the first place. Out of trust and respect for my boyfriend I don't go through his phone. It is sneaky and distrustful. Anything he wants to share with me he should feel comfortable in doing so and if he is cheating or what have ya it will all come out in the wash. I want him to know that I trust him and that is why I don't go through his phone. Plus a lot of what I might see could and can be taken out of context. we leave our phones with each other, his phone is left out and the open and I could go and look through it but that's just wrong. It's like reading your older sister's diary an invasion of privacy. It more or less a self insecurity that you feel the need to search through your partner's phone. Just don't go searching through one another things that's not cool.

    • Sometimes a cheating partner isn't found out about until years later or when a baby shows up from the other woman... Many times people are caught cheating because the suspecious partner investigated their suspicions. Sometimes lies and cheating do not "come out in the wash" . I just found naked pics of different women (not models) in my fiance's old phone he just got a new phone in May he keeps it locked and hates when I ask to go through it. Most likely he is still receiving unapropriate pics....

  • I wouldn't stop my partner from looking thru my phone for any reason, if however he felt the need to check it all the time I would be a bit off with that. He should have respect for me and respect for my privacy -and he shouldn't feel the need to go through it as such. But as I said - I wouldn't stop him either. I mean - does your boyfriend log into your private email account and read your mails too? Again - nothing to hide but it's down to trust and respecting someone's privacy...

  • my sisters havin a baby in two weeks. she just found a message on her husband's phone sayin - sleep well, I love you- and a dirty picture of some other chick. there are some real f***heads out there, and if the person doesn't want you to see their phone, like my sister's unfortunately just found out, they could well be hiding something.

  • Recipe for disaster... Noone is perfect and unless you have a cause for snooping through your sig others things DO NOT DO IT! It's easy to misinterpret a conversation like I did with my sig other. He was talking to a buddy about two of his exes and somehow I got them confused with me.. I was really hurt for about 3 days until I told him I read it and felt MAJORLY stupid at the explanation.. smh. I digress... If I have nothing to hide and have done nothing to him he need not go through my phone or things.. Occasional is fine. we all get a little uneasy when we really care. But TRUST and respect for sig others privacy is MAJOR!

  • It a trust issue. I completely understand. Every person has right to his/hers privacy. My ex-boyfriend knew all my emailpasswords (since he helped me with a lot of tech stuff and I basically have one password lol), but he knew that I didn't want him reading my emails. Since I had nothing to hide I never bothered changing the passwords, but whenever I'd found out he had been sneaking around I would be angry at him for not respecting my privacy. I didn't know his passwords and was also not interested in them. I think it is important to trust each other and give each other the benefit of the doubt, why be in a relationship otherwise?

  • Both should respect each others' privacy so I don't think checking each others' phone is okay. There should still be limitations even though you're committed and one of it is phone since it is a private property. However, if ever the other check his/her partner's phone out of the blue, and the owner doesn't let them, then there must be something wrong. They're afraid you'll find out something because they are cheating. It's okay to let your partner do that once in a blue moon but not all the time since its an invasion of privacy. It's better of both should have their own initiative because saying to your significant other straightly that he/she can not check my phone is a little harsh for me.

  • I would never cheat,never have conversations my partner would disapprove of,so I would have nothing to hide.BUT,I am extremely private,it's a pet peeve for someone to go through my stuff,phone,computer,room,drawers etc.It is disrespectful.

    No,you and your boyfriend have trust issues if you honestly think it's f'ed up

  • tough one...my boyfriend and I have an open phone policy, but that was after a fight and a problem with a "girl friend"

  • My boyfriend and I don't do that.

    There is no need. We trust each other.

    However he sometimes tells me who he is calling and texting (I don't ask and I really don't even care) he just does just so. :)

  • If you trust him, why would you have to go through his phone?

    With out trust, you don't sh*t for a relationship.

  • My boyfriend looks at my phone whenever he wants. I keep it real; I don't have nothing to hide. Yes; she needs to be worried about some things. That is not right.

  • 9 times out of 10 he has something to hide. If my boyfriend ever told me that we'd have a serious problem.

  • Me and my boyfriend leave our phones around. He never used to when he was upto something so I'd wait then check and every time I was proved right, he had texts pics and vids of different lasses. I say if their acting strange you have every right to check so you don't end up getting messed around ( oh by the way I'd prepare yourself for worst because it guts you when you find something, it used to make me physically sick with nerves & any trust is lost)

  • Nope, that's just a privacy thing. I don't like my boyfriend going through my purse or phone, and it's not like I'm hiding anything. I respect his privacy the same way because I trust him.

  • I let my boyfriend go through my phone if he wants. I tell him he might not always be happy with some of the things he may read, but at least I'm honest and don't have anything to hide. And when he finds something he doesn't like it's usually me bad talking him cause I'm angry and we're in an argument. If either of us has a question or concern about what each other is doing on the phone or on the computer, we just ask if we can take a look. It's not usually a problem. We love each other and don't want each other to worry. Plus I like seeing the nice things he says about me to his friends, when he does. Asking is better than sneaking, for both parties.

  • he is trying to hide something.

  • We have nothing to hide.. it sounds like he has something to hide, big deal.. she can always find out either way when your not looking..

  • If he told her to stop just now then he probably is cheating on her.

  • For me this hits home bases, espeically with me and my crush when we first became friends and were talking to become a couple there were times when I thought I could trust him and I would walk off only to come back to him going through my phone. When I grabbed my phone from him the first thing he would object about is me "hiding something" and quite honestly it wasn't about hiding anything...it was about my privacy and his respect for my space...there are somethings that are not ok to go to through which for my case is a phone because I'm extremely private. like I said its nothing for her to worry about he might just be private about his things

  • Sure, but it's completely up to each person whether or not they want to allow it. In my opinion, it might get annoying to always be asked for my phone.

  • lol well I always go threw my boyfriend phones not like checking if he's cheating or anything just he's pictures but I never let him see my phone haha I have nothing to hide I just don't like it when he goes threw my stuff

  • This is not a 100/100 relationship, its 100/50. Him being 50. He has something to hide or is a manipulater.
    My boyfriend and I have only been together for a short time. He did want to go through my phone with my permission. I let him. He lets me- I don't care to view. The only thing I didn't like is one night after a party he violated my privacy and went through without me knowing. I have guy friends, and that's all they are- we banter. Nothing real is said its just stupid shit. He asked me who someone was on Facebook. And I Sat there puzzled of why or how the name even popped up. Two days later he said I saw a message that was off base. I wasn't mad because I explained to him the rest of the message. I said you only read the last part you don't read everything so now your mind wonders. We're joking around. I told him listen... I'm not mad that you found anything because there is nothing to hide. I'm more upset that you did so behind my back. We had a serious talk. His issues are from his past. Not my problem just something he needs to work on.
    My phone is also my work phone- I have important docs and email on there.
    my point is... he doesn't want her to see everything because he's hiding something or he is manipulative. or both. either way... she needs to peace.

  • There is a big lack of trust in their relationship. There are two possible reasons I can think that he may not want her in his phone. He is either not being loyal and is using his right to privacy as a way to cover his activity, or he is hiding its content in order to save them from fights over speculation and misunderstanding. Does she have a reason to be suspicious? Has he betrayed her trust in the past? Is she one of those girls that are just over protective and jealous? If she feels the need to go through the phone often, there is something that is making her feel uneasy about their relationship. If she is one who overreacts to messages and calls that are of no threat every time she does go into his phone, then I can see why he wouldn't want her to go through it. However, banning her from looking through it will only make the situation worse.

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