Going through your partner's phone?

My girlfriend boyfriend told her she can't look in his phone anymore...am I the only person who thinks that is f up? My boyfriend can get on my phone whenever he wants because I have nothing to hide and he does the same thing.

Do other couples do this?


Most Helpful Guy

  • People need a certain amount of privacy. Nobody is perfect, and if you were TOTALLY honest with anyone, you wouldn't be able to have a healthy relationship.

    NEVER go through people's stuff without permission. IMHO, going through people's stuff is one of the worst things that you can do in a relationship. If you do not trust the person who you are with, you tell them. And then if they are not willing to make changes so that you will be able to trust them, then it is up to you whether or not you want to leave them.

    People want their privacy for different reasons. Think about it... There are many reasons other than infidelity why he may not want her looking at his phone.

    By all means, this probably means something. But you can't use this alone as a reason not to trust someone... Fair enough if he was acting suspicious leading up to him asking her not to look at his phone, but if not, then being bothered by something like this conveys insecurity.


What Guys Said 19

  • I've heard of partners checking others phones, and I find it deplorable. It's a breach of trust. Especially if one is doing it behind the others back. A phone, like a computer or a diary, is a collection of private thoughts, feelings, and conversations one has with others or themselves (in the case of the diary). We don't always want our thoughts to be known to everyone. We each deserve some privacy.

    To me, the act of even asking to go through ones phone would mean that she doesn't trust me. Trust, at least to me, is the foundation upon one builds a relationship. If it's not there, the relationship is doomed to fail. I'd be angry she asked to do so. That being said, I'd be *furious* if she did so behind my back and I found out about it. That, to me, would be the death knell for the relationship. Not only would she not be trusting me, but she'd care nothing for my privacy, and attempting to do it secretly is akin to lying.

    I'd personally never ask to see ones phone. She'd be allowed to have her own life and conversations. Also think on the fact that any conversations or such, generally are understood to be private by the person you were talking to. Maybe a coworker calls or texts needing to vent about something confidential, or a family member calls telling you of their medical issues. If someone goes through your phone, they now may know those details. They'd probably be mad at whomevers phone it was.

    To summarize, I don't think it's right, and would not condone it.

  • It's a matter of respect. To not respect my privacy is to not respect me. I am very secretive about the stories I write and my art. I do not want anyone seeing them without my approval.

    Whether the guy has something to hide or not is irrelevant. Sometimes we just need to draw a line in the sand to know that the woman we are with isn't a jealous, controlling bitch of a drama queen. Respecting the boundaries he establishes for privacy's sake are necessary to keep him from feeling smothered and reminding him you're not a jealous, clingy bitch.

    • It's also a smack in the face telling you that your partner doesn't trust you. Sucks.

    • It's also a smack in the face for the girl asking to check your phone. *She's* the one that has trust issues. If she were fully into the relationship and trusted her partner, she'd not ask to look at his phone.

  • I would let my girlfriend go through my phone if it made her feel more at ease. But that is just me. lol

  • It's a matter of perspective. In a relationship, there should be no boundaries, to a certain extent, and have noting to hide. But even in a relationship, both partners should have their own personal space, and for me, my cell phone would be included in that. I guess the best way to explain it would be a woman's purse. Sure my girlfriend wouldn't mind if I went through hers but that doesn't mean I will or expect to be allowed to whenever I feel like it. I will always ask her like "hey do you have a pen in your purse?"

  • other couples do this yes, but there are trust issues... If I know someone goes through my phone I will delete what I don't want people to see

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What Girls Said 40

  • Now I would understand the need for him to tell your friend to not look through his phone if she was compulsively snooping through it, as he might begin to feel that his privacy is being invaded and that she does not trust him. But if he said it out nowhere (and your friend has never looked through his phone) then I would be suspicious.

    As for snooping in general. I don't mind my boyfriend going through my phone to play games, look at my pictures or talk to mutual friends on my Blackberry messenger. But to be perfectly honest, I would not like him going through my text messages or checking my call logs or even going through my e-mail. Not because I have anything to hide from him, which I certainly don't, but because snooping around would indicate to me that he's insecure and does not trust me, qualities that I wouldn't want my boyfriend to have.

    Just because they're your boyfriend/girlfriend, doesn't mean you automatically have the right to invade their privacy and that they should be okay with that.

  • Personally, I think its a load of bs if one person can go through the other persons phone but then freak out if their phone is gone through. I do feel as though they are trying to hide something. What is the big deal? It's a phone and if you aren't using it to cheat or anything like that then why does it matter? It has nothing to do with privacy if he has the right to go through her stuff but she doesn't have the right to go through his. That is controlling. In a relationship things should be equal, he shouldn't have more or less rights than the girl in the relationship. People shouldn't need to hide anything from their significant other either.

    To WeaponZero: So the guy can be a jealous asshole and look through her stuff but when its the other way around the girl should just accept his need for privacy? What about her "privacy"? Its one thing if neither of the parties in the relationship go through the others phone, its another if the guy decides that he won't respect her wanting to see his phone. Just because its his doesn't mean he can be petty and childish enough to say "well its mine so you can't look through it". Stories and art aren't communication between you and other people that you are hiding. Interesting how guys can be jealous and controlling but girls cant.

    • Not at all. It for a both ways. I would never invade her privacy either. Not on a million years.

    • Alright good because it seemed as though that's what you meant. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

    • Ha yes it is interesting..! I have read several Q&A on this and from my own experiences.. 99% of these men feel it is OK for them to go through their woman's things but not for her to go through his phone? Which IS A LINE OF COMMUNICATION like you said..and cellphones are a great way to hide lies and cheating...

  • Chew on this. I am a fan of protecting my privacy but what could I possibly have to keep private from my partner? Can't think of anything, other than cheating or lying.

    With that said, I would not snoop through my partner's phone but if he acted funny about me not touching or looking at his phone AND he was acting in a way that made it appear he was trying to hide things from me, he just wouldn't be a guy I would be in a relationship with. I am down to earth and not interested in dating men of mystery...

  • You shouldn't need to look through each other's phones unless there is no trust involved. So it's best to start the habit of not doing it early. However, the fact that he randomly says she has to stop is a red flag. They shouldn't be going through each other's phones in the first place, but he practically announced that he's doing some dirty work behind the scenes. Truth of the matter though, she doesn't need to look through his phone. If she feels right now that she can't trust him because of it, she needs to dump him. It'll never work long term.

  • I think it's really hard to gauge where the line is in those situations.. because everyone wants different amounts of privacy. It's something that really depends on the person you're with.

    My boyfriend and I are not secretive with each other about anything.. he can grab my phone to use it or look at pictures or whatever, or he can ask who I'm texting/talking to, and I can do the same with him. We don't feel the need to do it very often though, so I guess that's why neither of us are bothered by it.

    It seems kind of weird that your friend's boyfriend just told her that now. It implies that she had been looking through his phone before right? If it was very often, maybe he just got annoyed, which is understandable, it can be bothersome being with someone who's very jealous/insecure and wants to know everything at all times. On the other hand, if she rarely looked in his phone anyway, it does seem like he could be hiding something. How often is he on his phone, do you know? Because I know I've had bad experiences with guys who are CONSTANTLY texting/talking on the phone, but they never mention who they're talking to.

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