Stop Obsessing Over Your Boyfriend's Girl Friends/Girlfriend's Boy Friends

[Anonymous]

One question I come across on here a lot is always something along the lines of "is it ok for my girlfriend to have guy friends?" or "my boyfriend is talking to other girls, what should I do - I'm jealous?"
This is something that has always baffled me and will probably keep baffling me until the day I die. So let me say it right now; people are allowed to have friends of whatever sex, even when they're in a relationship. I don't think I know a single person in a relationship who doesn't have friends of the opposite sex. So to me, the concept of ditching your friends once you get into a relationship is completely foreign.

Your insecurities are the issue, here. Not the fact that you SO is talking to and befriending other people. Just because your girlfriend has a few guy friends, or your boyfriend has a few girl friends, it doesn't automatically mean that they're going to cheat on you with them, or eventually fall for them. It might happen. But guess what, that could happen with anybody, not just with the people they're friends with. So even if your boyfriend doesn't have any girl friends, or your girlfriend doesn't have any boy friends, they can still cheat on you and still break your heart. A cheater will cheat no matter what. They will grab any opportunity they get, whether that's with a friend or with some random person they just met at a club. So to stress over their friends is pointless.

A relationship is built on love, communication and trust.

Without these 3 essentials, a relationship is doomed to fail. If you get so easily jealous over the fact that they're talking to and hanging out with other people, then that means you don't trust them. And don't give me that "I trust them, I don't trust their friends" bullshit. That's a cowardly cop-out, and you know it. If you truly trust your boyfriend, you'll know that he will reject any advances. If you truly trust your girlfriend, you'll know that she will walk away from sketchy guys. If they reject the people who try to approach them like that, then you have nothing to be jealous of. You have nothing to worry about. But if you, deep down, worry that your boyfriend will fall for other girls' advances, or think that your girlfriend will kiss the guy back who leans in on her, then honey, it's your partner you don't trust. If you think that they will give in to temptation like that, then it's not the other people you're worrying about. You're worrying about their lack of self-control, and that's on them, not the people who choose to pursue them. A person worthy of your trust is a person whose personal judgment you accept when it comes to friends. If you don't accept their personal judgment, then you don't trust them.

I will end this myTake with a simple question to anyone who's doubting their SO's friendships:

Why are you even with a person you don't trust?

[Relentless_Hippie]

Love, Communication, and Trust sure. There are several sub requirements underneath each of those things one including boundaries. Boundaries involving plenty of areas including that involving the opposite sex. Refusing to allow your SO to have friends of the opposite sex might not work, but setting boundaries is necessary and is not a bad thing to have. I read a question about a girl who loved her boyfriend very much, was out with a group of friends and when she fell asleep one of them was lovingly holding her hand to his chest and giving her occasional kisses on the forehead. Her "friend."

Doesn't matter that she didn't engage him, you know how that wouldn't have happened? If she wasn't alone with him in the first place. Setting boundaries as far as what is appropriate is what's important and should be expected in a mature relationship. There's nothing wrong with having requirements especially those involving the opposite sex.

[myTake Owner]

Of course, and I agree with you. But that also falls under the category of "choose your SO wisely". Trusting your SO is also about trusting them to not encourage or condone the type of behavior that girl was exhibiting when she accepted his kisses etc. A person who's worthy of your trust would reject someone like that. And then we're back at the beginning, why be with someone you can't trust, someone who doesn't reject physical advances like that from others?

[Relentless_Hippie]

She said she was half asleep, didn't realize what happened until the next day. I understand what you're saying and I do agree. Choose your partner wisely. I certainly pity the girls who will fight with and beat up the girl she was cheated on and argue about how she still has him than to walk away from someone with no respect. I'm with you on that. But trust cannot be ensured without first setting those boundaries. Trust your partner to do what exactly? Without first establishing the boundaries and enforcing them from time to time, can you trust they'll behave accordingly. At least that's how I see it.

[Chief16]

True, but as usual there are exceptions to the case.
My ex kept in contact with her ex and called him a friend. But the dude didn't think of her that way. So he stalked me everywhere and sent me these creepy texts and messages and social media, in the hopes of breaking us up. He even threatened my sister and THAT was the last straw.
I'd told my ex all along that this guy was stalking me, but when push came to shove, it shocked me. She KNEW all along.
So even before you enter a relationship, consider your partners friends carefully, more often than not that old saying is true. People are known by the company they keep.

[myTake Owner]

In this case it was your partner who was in the wrong and she was condoning this behavior. Consider your partners more carefully. If you consider them carefully you won't even have to worry about their friends.

[Chief16]

Which is what I said... But, yeah.

[myTake Owner]

No, you said that you should consider your partner's friends carefully. You wouldn't even have to do that in the first place if you consider your PARTNER more carefully.

[Chief16]

Look, its simple, people are defined by the company they keep, some of them are so good at being passive that you can overlook the obvious. Notice them, the friends they keep, they folks they hang with, how they behave, how they react. Its not their fault, some people like to jump into fights subconsciously, like its their second nature, I tend to avoid people like that by being vigilant.

[CoolSky01]

some girls are assholes and some guys are in for sex not friendship, so if she has male friends who are trying to get her she either drops them or iam gone, and if she has bitchy friends they better not do anything to harm the boyfriend, i know this girl who sounds very shy and sweet, she told me once that she didn't like her friends boyfriend so she kept convincing her to break up with him and her friend eventually did , you friends define you, they dont have to be perfect but if they are nosey its a problem.

[mikemx55]

Answering your question:
Because we may "love" them. And you may say that it's not really love, but that's what people feel.
And sometimes we may love that person, and be *almost certain that they won't cheat, but they play along with things that We consider as advances, but they don't see it that way. Either because they don't think of that, or are too naive to ser what's going on. And that can make a partner nervous.
Because although they're just friends, it wouldn't happen if those friends weren't there.

Sometimes people just get too deep into relationships before realizing these little things, because during the passionate first months they can be blind and not see these traits/situations.
And then the jealousy comes along when you already have deep feelings, and that is why you end up with a partner that you don't fully trust.

Other times, maybe it's not love, but the history they have together and the fact that they couldn't get anyone else besides their current partner, so they hold on to it like the devil holds the fire.

-------------
I'd only have to say that people should take longer times to get to know each other before getting super serious with someone. And that although we're often blind in lust, reasoning needs to be used to make decisions and assess characters/personalities. But most people don't analyze others correctly even in a normal state of mind, nevermind when in lust.

On a final note: it's easy not to be jealous when we have nothing to lose. In the beginning of relationships, we either don't get super attached just to see where it's going (is that really love?)
Or we get attached because we think that it really is the right person, but it's still a bit open, there is nothing that guarantees that it will stick (nothing ever will, but some things guarantee more than others), so we get jealous because we have something to lose that we highly appreciate, and I think that's a bit normal.

Sorry if that was confusing.

[PippiL]

I think the danger in having friends of the opposite sex is that you might become more emotionally attached to them than your SO. Not necessarily in a sexual way. But if your relationship's already a bit rocky, it can be easier to confide in your friends than your partner. You start to trust them more, and you feel like they know you better than your partner does, which can lead to resentment (even though this isn't your partner's fault).
I'm not saying that everyone with friends of the opposite sex will experience this. But there are some risks associated with it.

[myTake Owner]

That's not a danger in having friends of the opposite sex. That's a personal issue that you're responsible for, and has to do with not understanding how important communicating with your SO is. If your friends distract you and you become too attached, it says a lot about how little you actually feel for your SO and how you can't sort out your priorities. Also, confiding in your friends has nothing to do with them being the opposite sex. I know a lot of girls who'd rather talk things out with their girl friends than go to their SO directly. So, again, that's a personal issue that has nothing to do with your friends. Like you might as well not even have any friends at all at that point, if you think they'll become a bigger priority than your SO.

[PippiL]

I agree, it is a communication issue. But as you said, there are a lot of people who would rather talk about their relationship problems with a friend than their SO. If this friend happens to be of the opposite sex, the resulting emotional dependency can occasionally lead to something more. I've seen it happen with my boss and a coworker.
If your relationship is solid and you and your SO spend plenty of time together, your friends (male or female) are obviously not a threat. But couples who work a lot and have issues, specifically communication issues, can be vulnerable.

[myTake Owner]

Yeah but they aren't vulnerable because they have friends, they're vulnerable because something else is wrong from the start. That's kind of the point I'm trying to make, if you trust your partner then you should be able to trust their friends. If you don't trust their friends and think your partner will do something behind your back, then they're not worth being with. So spinning it on the friends, no matter how you look at it, is always unnecessary because it simply boils down to other issues within the relationship. Every time.

[PippiL]

Regardless of the cause of the vulnerability, the relationship is vulnerable, and not all rocky relationships are doomed to failure. There are some long term relationships that are worth working on. In those situations, having friends of the opposite sex could be risky.

[Anonymous]

you know, this is an excellent post i must admit.

My ex and I were thinking about getting back together, we were talking and such and it was practically perfect until she went to have dinner with a guy without telling me, I got jealous (of course i would) and we had a little argument, days after that she went and hung out with some friends and they were drinking and dancing (grinding) in an apartment, I saw the snaps and got uncomfortable plus she was hanging with some guy I don't trust (but it also means i don't trust her)

DAYS later she went to another meeting with some friends and they were drinking, smoking weed and dancing in an apartment, by that time she wasn't texting me that much, we had an argument because I just wanted communication and know whats up in her life, she ranted and just said that she doesn't want to do anything with me, that she is single and its her life and bla bla.

What you think about this?

[myTake Owner]

Based on my myTake I think you already know what I think.

[Opinion Owner]

but was it understandable to get jealous in my position? .. and i know, insecurities reflect in jealousy and i recognize i got some work to do with my self esteem, but nevertheless i think it was perfectly understandable to get jealous there.

[myTake Owner]

In my opinion, jealousy is always an unnecessary emotion. Either your self-esteem sucks and it's your own issues that are making you feel that way, or you're surrounding yourself with the wrong people who play with your feelings.

[justagirl5]

This is so true. I don't get why people are weird about that... when I date there's no way I'm getting rid of my guy friend. He's like my brother and as far as I know family is for life! Relationships come and go... even in marriage you'll have conflicts.

[DaniaMQ]

What you said is true.. But some people just can't control their jealousy, which sometimes can be too much.
I dont mind my boyfriend having friends that are girls, but for me, I would like that friendship to have limits, in the physical contact I mean. Other than that I'm fine, it will be nice if I got to know them as well, and like that, I won't have the devil in the back of my mind playing with my thoughts XD

[Spiorad_Aisce]

Great take - As you get older 90% of us will probably work in a mixed sex environment and most will form friendships with members of the opposite sex so if you are having trouble with it now it could be a long road ahead. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't trust me and even though they possibly "Love" me, the relationship is doomed.

[Sara413]

You're completely right! It kills me when people think men and women can't be friend. Yeahhhh they fuckin can when, you know, they're friggin adults who view other people as people and not a set of genitals lol

[Anonymous]

Nice take and I agree! Also by the way great avatar miss grande!

I believe in trust as well and surely you want the person you are with right? I have a question though if you happen to be a guy 1 in this situation. Could you check out my take? www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a30669-do-women-have-dirtier-sex-with-guys-who-don-t-care-about-them-what

[Bandit74]

I think its mainly a problem if they are friends with their exes. If its just platonic friends theyve never had sexual chemistry with then its less likely to cause jealousy.

[myTake Owner]

Exes are iffy, yeah. But then again for me, it would kind of depend on when they dated/for how long/how soon ago they broke up.
For instance, my brother is still friends with his last ex girlfriend. I thought they were really cute together, but my mom made a pretty decent point when they broke up; they always seemed better as just friends than bf/gf. It really just depends.

[Bandit74]

Well even if you don't see them as a cheating risk it's still not pleasant to date someone who is still really close to someone they've had sexual history with. That being said, I do think it's foolish to try to get people to drop their friends, especially if they've known them longer than they've know you.

Rather than trying to chang someone to be how you want, it's better to look for someone else who is already the way you want them to be.

[myTake Owner]

I agree.

[93stepsawayfromhome]

I have quite a few female friends. I love hanging out with girls. If that bothers you, I'm not going to be in a relationship with you. Sorry, trust is also part of a relationship.

[myTake Owner]

Right? I could never be with a guy who wanted me to ditch my friends for him because he thinks I'm not worth trusting. Byyyeeee might as well find someone else.

[mystintri]

Studies show that girls with lot of guy friends are significantly more likely to cheat.

[myTake Owner]

Links please.

[mystintri]

:( The link is broken.
It showed that there are a certain % of girls who can have guy friends and not cheat due to their confidence, self-esteem, and low sex drive. The rest had a much higher chance because of the widespread emotional connection with guy friends, leaving a huge window for cheating if things were rough in the relationship.

If I come across it, I'll link it.

[myTake Owner]

Then it would be incorrect to say that studies show girls with a lot of guy friends are more likely to cheat. It would be more correct to say "girls who suffer from low self-esteem and confidence, added with a high sex drive, are more likely to cheat". Whether or not these girls have guy friends doesn't matter; they'll cheat regardless due to the circumstances of their mental health/self-image, sex drive and whatnot.

[mystintri]

Yeah, pretty much.

[orphan]

i wonder if lumos' relationship has any problems...

[Anonymous]

Giving someone trust just makes it easier for them to cheat on you.

[myTake Owner]

Then you might as well never get into a relationship.

[Opinion Owner]

Why not? I just gotta find a girl who believes in the same thing that I do. That way we both know why we're paranoid. There's someone out there for everyone.

[myTake Owner]

Yeah no, if you don't trust your partner even slightly, it will turn to shit. Especially if NEITHER of you trust each other.

[Opinion Owner]

Never knew you were so wise for your young age.

[confuseddotcomgirl]

Completely agree with this unfortunately! But there's a difference between being naive and trusting.. I still can't find a balance between the two at 25!

[Anonymous]

if she has many guy friends and they meet often i won't date her in the first place. its simple as that. every man that doesn't know this rule is a clueless idiot... .

[Anonymous]

I wanted to know what is in this wall of text, but iam too lazy to read it all

[FallOutBoy2001]

I like this myTake

[FinnishBeautyGirl]

Olet nero. Good job!