I can really relate to this question and answers but I waited a little bit to put in my insight because I myself is busy trying to change myself from being EU to EA. I understand being EU but later realized its not worth it -not to invest time in making an effort to find "the one" for me I maybe one day have all this success or achievement yet ending up being lonely and alone from time/years of trying to avoid being emotional and connected with somebody. It could be a long journey though but I gotta be willing. Anyways thought I could post this though it didn't really saying much of an answer. Thanks.
I recently went out with an emotionally unavailable man because I was emotionally unavailable as well. It was fine until my emotions actually started coming out...
I realized I had to break up with him, because he couldn't deal with it.
What I really want now is an emotionally available man :)
I am an emotionally unavailable (EU) woman. I carry all those symptoms: no serious relationships of late, I keep a jam packed schedule, I text instead of call, I am attracted to EU men, and I avoid connecting with people on a deep level. I think the causes can be complex; and for me, I think it is that I had a somewhat unstable childhood, moving around a lot and in some ways feeling abandoned by my family. I'm currently seeing a EU man and I think he's that way from his childhood too--growing up with drug addict mom and absent father, etc.
And in response to what I would do if a really decent man came along... I would say, in my head I would want to drop my EU-ness and live happily ever after with him. But in reality, I am not sure that I would. Being EU isn't a choice. It's a defense mechanism, a subconscious reaction. I probably need some serious therapy to get past my fear of letting people in.
As far as women who are really invested in their jobs... I am willing to bet that the vast majority of workaholic and/or super successful women (and men for that matter) are emotionally unavailable. I am convinced that is the reason why I choose to carry such a packed schedule.
I guess you could call me emotionally unavailable. I would say it's partly because of my natural personality; I'm slow to open up, reluctant to trust, because I tend to analyze things too much and I can see everything that might possibly go wrong, which makes me cautious.
And then it's also probably because of where I'm at in life; I'm young, still trying to find out who I really am. There are so many experiences to have and so many possibilities that I'm unwilling to tie myself to anyone, because I want to be able to just do whatever makes me happy.
Well, it's kind of a general term but I guess I consider myself to be emotionally unavailable as a rule, although there have been exceptions. For me part of it is my sexual/relationship history, but to be perfectly honest, at this point it is more due to habit. I tend to act a certain way if someone gets too close. It's fine when we're still casual, it's when it gets deeper/more involved that I tend to back off and start finding all kinds of stuff I have to so for school, work, family, etc. that has me too busy to be with someone...but I've been doing it so long that I don't actually stop to think about whether or not I want him gone, I just make it happen when he gets too close for comfort by trying to get to know more about me than I want someone to know.
I think of myself as emotionally unavailable. I think being hurt in past relationships has made me uneasy about letting anybody in, and has turned my emotions off when it comes to possible relationships. I've turned off the emotional part of my brain, for fear of getting hurt again.
"emotionally unavailable" means a lot of different things, so you need to be more specific if we want to discuss a specific girl.
but in general, I think that being emotionally distant or unavailable might have a few different causes. being slow to open up, whether due to being burned in the past or just a natural trait. having too many other things on her plate (work, college, family problems, etc).
I just realized today, after 1 year of marriage that my wife is totally emotionally unavailable and she is so reactive in her life that I am very concerned about our marriage. From the beginning I knew that she had been through a lot (a lot of baggage) but I kept telling myself that things would get better. Although I am a man I am sensitive, caring, a great listener and a talker. In this marriage I seem to be the "woman" who talks, communicates and shows his love for her but all she is interested in is money, Facebook, make up, nails, shopping etc the like. I have suggested counseling many times but she won't go because it costs money. If we got paid to go to a counselor she would be the first in line. I have been thinking and talking to her about breaking up and she breaks down in tears and is heart broken for days but what can we do? this marriage won't last and we both know it. Who will pull the plug first? or will she open up and let me in her life. Please help! anyone?
Like I said, my relationship with a textbook EU woman just ended. Since then, I have read extensively on the subject of EU and Abandonment Issues as a way to try to understand what went on between me and her.
There's a ton of good information out there, but Abandonment Issues are at the core of those who are EU...fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment (both rooting from earlier Abandonment Issues) sabotage both kinds of people they might be attracted to. One has been hurt so many times, that one starts to equate insecurity with love. 'Unless you're pursuing someone you're insecure about, you don't feel in love'.
One might chase an EU mate because it activates this insecurity and causes you to chase in fear of losing someone; or an EU person will actually win the affection of someone who might be right for you and feel turned off because they're "psychobiologically addicted to the high stakes drama of an emotional challenge and the love-chemicals that go with it." It shows up as fear of engulfment. Subconsciously, they are rejecting their mate before they can be rejected themselves. This typically ends relationships early on...
I know I myself have some abandonment issues, but I am not EU as my ex-gf was. There is a lot more to the story, but I was confused by her actions in the beginning and didn't worry too much after it ended the first two times. It was after we decided to become friends, and hung out a lot as such that I grew to have real feelings for her. There was consistency and no fear on either end, and I started to wonder "Why can't our relationship be like this?" When we finally got back together again and I told her I wanted nothing less than a committed relationship, she agreed. But she never dealt with her admitted issues like she said she would, and I shouldn't have let it slide, but I did. Now, after only 2 months of being together, she bailed again. I'm dejected, but I'm trying not to take it personally. It just seems some people are incapable of love; at least without deep self-reflection and professional help to deal with their issues.
Anyway, here's a link with a lot of good info...
Often it's due to trauma, recent or even way back in childhood. A lot of women are identified with an abusive father figure and never get over it.
Secondly, an awful lot of women are devoted to their careers, and in many situations marriage and family are an impediment since it takes time and availability away from the job. Not to mention an awful lot of women depend on being sexually available for the executives in a business and any sort of relationship would impinge on that.