Girlfriend broke up with me because I don't want to marry?

Question

I dated my girlfriend for almost 2 years, I'm 24 and she's 27 (just a month from turning 28). The first year was awesome, we had a lot of fun but then things started falling apart.

Got a new job where I'm paid very well, and my uncle owns part of the business so I'm sure I'll be stable for a while. My girlfriend though, she has always been working the same job since we ever met and she kinda took it to next level serious once I got this new job.

I can't be judged for thinking somewhere deep down she wants long term commitment from me because of my current income. It may be unfair to think so. But trust me the fights have increased and not only me but some of my friends and even my father notices how she became almost obsessed with the idea of marrying me. Our last fight was huge and I nearly broke up with her on the spot because she was acting too controlling.

She called me to meet, and out of the blue she puts the ultimatum "if you don't marry me this is simply not going to work" and I told her the truth "I don't want to marry you, at least not now". She said we've broken up.
That was yesterday, but today I had a call from her which I didn't answer and honestly I don't think I feel the same way.

My dad told me she is about to hit the 30's wall, and that some women get a lot of pressure to lock down a guy, marry and have kids before their biological clock ends and they get old. It makes sense, but I'm still unsure what exactly happened. Opinions?

allmynope · Accepted Answer

Perfectly natural. No one to blame. You guys want different things after 2 years. That's okay. In the future though, it may be easier to talk about your needs more explicitly. For example, she wants to get married and you don't. Why? For her, if its time or commitment etc because its baby time, not too much you can do. If it was feeling fear you'd never commit and that she was ready and insecure you weren't or that she should be married by now. Crap like that, is solvable. Usually with some super clear conversation on everyone's intentions and separating out other people's expectations with trying to connect with each other in the moment.
For you, same thing. Is it a question of marriage or is it a question of her? Mind you, you're young and may not have seen or experienced all the ways people manifest their stress or sadness. That doesn't excuse shitty ways, but it means some characteristics we see in people are environmental, rather than who they are on a consistent basis. However, that still bears the thought that a relationship could be easier if the two of you reacted similarly to each other or understood when the other person is just being an asshat or when they're legitimately being unacceptable, and should take a fat leave and get their internal stuff together. The other food for thought though is if you care about someone, I think that means caring about their happiness. If you're dating someone, you better care about them. Therefore, if you do date someone, you are making the conscious decision to give a damn about their life. For someone older than you, especially women, there is an opportunity cost that every day you spend with her is a day she is not spending of her youth with the father of her kids (if that's what she wants, the whole life long partner, hey remember when we were 29?) That isn't to say you'd never be a future father, but until you know you want to marry a girl, you have to remember once in awhile that dating her is permanently taking that time she has to "get it all" in time.
In my opinion, everyone just needs to be super honest. If you want to take your time dating and getting to know someone, no rush, then make sure the other person knows your game plan. I've met plenty of guys starting college who want to get married and women in their early 30s still putting it off (or don't plan to). Can't be sure what's going to hurt your partner unless you talk about expectations every so often (idk, I say like twice a year?)

tarrycat · Accepted Answer

Your values are misaligned, therefore you are not a good match at this point in time, until you or she experiences a shift in your values as time passes & they are realigned again (it's a possibility, but I'm talking about years still to come), by then it will probably be too late & guess what? It was just not meant to be. What I mean by your values being misaligned, is:

She wants to settle down; you on the other hand, don't want to.

How did the values shift?

Well, her values did. She moved into a phase as time passed by during your relationship, where she realised that she wanted to settle. In the beginning she went with the flow & nothing was too serious.

It may very well have been your job that caused her to reason like that. I think she felt more secure in you having a more stable job, thus she thought that it would be appropriate to settle down with you.

This is where age difference can sometimes not be a good thing - the people involved always want different things; one person is settled, the other isn't; unless you have a woman who's cool with having fun with you & supports you, rather than giving you ultimatums.

How she SHOULD have handled the situation, is by creating a life of her own, instead of being SO damn controlling, so that you could be inspired as a man to be a part of her life. NO man wants to be a part of a woman's life if she's living a pretty damn DULL life.

When a woman has her own life & a man has his own life outside of a relationship, a beautiful thing happens: they WANT to be a part of each other's lives, because it's so enriching & it enables you to grow together, as well as to learn from each other - you feel GOOD to be with that person.

NOBODY wants to do something against their free will - I will know, I'm a REBEL when it comes to having my freedom, because I've been confined my whole life.

Choose the woman who is respectful of your freedom, but who also finds joy in her own freedom.

She never added value to your life; & that's why you don't feel the same anymore.

You're a GUY, I get where you're coming from.

I wish you all the best. :)

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Im 27 and going to be 28 female, so I kind of know where she is coming from. Im an Asian which make it worse and in traditional, Im extremely old to be not married lol But I hung on till I found my Mr Right. Im in a good shape of it as my boyfriend is 37 years old and he is very ready to get married and this is what he wants as well, that we already discussed about it from the very beginning. The only thing it went wrong is that, maybe you guys should open up to each other as of what do we want in the future at the earlier stage. So it seems to me the break up now its for the good, it obviously not going to work as you are not on the same page. I feel the money thing tho, I mean yes it sounds realistic that once you got a better pay and her attitude changed all of a sudden, maybe she is just extremely desper in a wrong way, which woman doesn't want a stable future. But anyways, I guess its a no who is wrong situation. Look for someone willing to build things with you, instead of craving for getting married in the near future ;) Good luck.!

samhradh_leannan · Accepted Answer

What exactly is your reason for thinking that she only wanted to marry you for financial gain?

I'm not clear on if you don't want to marry at all ever, or don't want to marry right now, or don't want to marry this individual woman. And I think maybe that wasn't clear to your girlfriend, either.

The fact is, she's older than you, and is reaching a time in her life where her biological clock is ticking and she feels pressured to settle down. I know what it's like, I'm reaching that point myself. So that could be one reason why she is starting to think about marriage and the future.

burpzzzzz · Accepted Answer

My dad told me she is about to hit the 30's wall, and that some women get a lot of pressure to lock down a guy, marry and have kids before their biological clock ends and they get old. It makes sense, but I'm still unsure what exactly happened.

He is correctly. Women tend to want to marry at the wrong age. 27 years old is a pretty late. Some women wait until 35 some wait until 30 wanting to marry. Science proves peak fertility age to be 16 to 22. After 22 years old the egg quality of a woman does go down. At the age of 30 her egg quality is only 10%. Dating a woman for 2 years and not married? I don't blame her.

DrTruth · Accepted Answer

Your dad is right on the money. I'd say most women want to lock in a guy before they turn 30. The reason why is because she knows her options in marrying a guy that can provide a high income close to her age dwindles the older she gets because physical attractiveness fades.

Also, your value in acquiring a high income job increase your mate selection in dating girls younger and hotter than her. This great fear of hers is you trading up.

She did you a favor by breaking up with you. Also, do not have unprotected sex. She may baby/marriage trap you with an "OOPS" pregnancy.

Pinay_ako · Answer

Your dad is right and at the same time she can't really force you to get married if you are not ready yet. Marriage is a big deal. She has to come to terms with you as well.

Vesuvius87 · Answer

It sounds like both of you are on different pages and goals haven't been discussed early on. It should have been so that way, neither of you feel like time is being wasted.

If she was pressuring you all of the sudden because of your current income and gave you an ultimatum to marry or else she breaks up, that's a good reason to break up.

Marriage shouldn't be just about her but both people looking forward towards it. Besides what woman would even want to accept a proposal she had to demand and put ultimatums to?

RJGraveyTrain · Answer

You aren't wrong to voice not wanting to marry, but I think your dad has a point. She is getting close to her thirties, you guys seem to be more stable (well, at least you are) and it's not abnormal for women to feel as though it's a good time to marry. Most women want to at least have an idea that you two could be permanent in the future, be that by marriage or something more serious.

But, her trying to argue with you, control you, and give you ultimatums is NOT the right way to go. I think you did everything right.

Wonderer89 · Answer

I think your dad nailed it, it's not necessarily directive of money but of life stages as we get older. If I was with someone for two years and they said they didn't know if they wanted to marry me that relationship would be over. Marriage is more than paper to me, I would want my partner to share those values and if they don't, while that's completely ok for them, they aren't the right person for me and I wouldn't want to waste anymore time on what for me would be a dead end.
Incompatibility isn't uncommon, it just is what it is

DairyCow · Answer

Well, if you really think it's because of the money you did the right thing. And you say she's controlling. She shouldn't be offering you ultimatums.
However, it's also acceptable on her part.
She thinks of you long term if she wants to marry. You've been together two years. If she wants a husband and you're saying no to marriage how can she trust that she can stay secure with you? How can she waste the last bit of her youth with someone who might not even want to marry her? Someone who might leave her when other, younger women find out about the zeros in your bank account?

ariadneR · Answer

I don't think you were wrong at all. both of you are at different stages in your life, and while this job is good and stable who knows what hardships may come along.
No one can force or impose what they want or believe onto you.. It's not fair on both of you. Plus, you said at least not right now. You didn't rule it out entirely.
In My opinion, if she doesn't understand this, she's not the one for you.
I'm 38, not married, and while I would love to be married with a family, its just was not right in the past.

JavierFiftySix · Answer

Most relationships begin to stale after 2 years. Her asking for a ring is one way she is trying to keep it alive. It may not correlate to your increased income but she is certainly factoring that into the equation. And likely what she is really factoring in is how ling it might take her to court another suitor of your caliber should you part ways and convince him to marry and have children. Her years are valuable to her as well and another 2-3 and she is bordering on the 30's. She is probably just thinking in terms of her own time. For selfish reasons yes... but I doubt it's malicious.

FakeName123 · Answer

Did everything right, man. If the fights and her pressure increased at the same time your income did - you should realise the giant red flag there.

JGodwin0425 · Answer

I'm sorry to hear that dude. It sounds like (even though it hurts) she wasn't the one. I believe all people have their "perfect match" and you really have to pay attention to that so you don't miss it. Keep pushing forward. That's all you can do. Don't let this ruin the rest of your life. Also, 24 is still young enough to find that someone. :)

Jawajoey · Answer

Sounds like what happened was pretty clear. She wants a marriage, and isn't willing to waste time if you're not going to provide it. You're not obligated to want the same thing at the same time, or to marry her just because she wants it, but if that's what how she feels, then so be it. You both have a choice

creeker76 · Answer

Who marries after 2 years anyways? That's like a 3 or 4 year thing plus from what it sounds like she just wants your money m8 good on ya for getting out

Anonymous · Answer

Women should never date younger males. Not only is it a bit gross, but it's like this. She's almost 30 so of ciurse she wants to get married. She doesn't want to keep wasting years on someone who may or may not end up marrying her. Since you have a stable job maybe you are now able to marry while before you weren't a good candidate

ThisDudeHere · Answer

Well you described how it happened pretty well. It ain't nothing more than what your dad said it was and what you yourself concluded. Her clock is ticking and you just got more stable and she saw the opportunity.

Hotchoco333 · Answer

I think your dad is right and she’s feeling the pressure.

HesaidShesaidNO · Answer

that is just sad, you are simply not ready and she is. If you still love her.. Maybe what she wants from you is proof of commitment, perhaps an engagement?

Xavixk · Answer

Sounds like you got a lot more attractive in her eyes, when you got that new high paying job... Seems like a red flag to me!

Cosytoasty · Answer

Listen to the old man. You're at different stages of your lives, with or without the pay rise. Breaking up is the right thing to do.

Anonymous · Answer

It's better she ended it, because she deserves to be happy and in peace. If you are doubtful at that age and with a good career it's evident that you have so much more to live and you will make her miserable by not demonstrating to her you love her by listening to others opinions and allowing your career to make you feel differently towards her because she has the same job.

JustCallMeLeon · Answer

I know a few women like that. Dunno whats wrong with them. They would rather marry even though its clearly going to hell. Let her walk. You deserve better.

meatballs21 · Answer

You didn't dodge a mere bullet, but a depleted uranium sabot round.

Girlfriend broke up with me because I don't want to marry?

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