boyfriend on Tinder because of boredom?

[Janethemayne]

I know many of you have already stated that you have caught your SO on tinder but I need some direct perspective. I have been with my guy for 7 months, having been committed exclusively for 5 of the 7 months. I unfortunately discovered he has his tinder still active. Although we did not meet on tinder, we have both openly discussed tinder and even joked around about my personal tinder. He the first month of relationship, went through my tinder and commented on how many matches I have (mind you I have had the app for quite some time as I had been single for years before we met) I could tell although he was trying make light of it, that he felt uncomfortable about my account. The next day I deleted my account, I thought to myself, man I would feel pretty awful if he was still active on his. A few days ago as I was waiting for him in his car while he went to grab something from his place, he left Itunes on and I was djing, he got a notification so I exited out of itunes to his main screen to see Tinder as one of his main apps. I could not help myself, and I thought "oh well we have laughed together about my tinder, lets make fun of his" thinking I would find old conversations from long, long before we were together. Sadly this was not the case, he had been in a back and forth convo with some girl leading to her giving him her number. He claims nothing happened, and after she sent his number he stopped all contact. The fact that this girl thought he was single hurts so much I haven't even seen him since I found out a few days ago. He says he is devoted and that he loves where out relationship is. I can't help but feel like he's seeking someone else. I know its different for each and every couple but the trust is gone, and he knows that. Just not sure what to do with all of these raw feelings.

[Anonymous]

I met my ex on a dating app as well. After we committed in relationship, I never asked if he had deleted his acct etc. Couple months later, he told me the app is notifying him new matches such that he knew his acct was still active and he deactivated it. Seems nice, aha?

One month or so later, when we were on the street using his phone to look for restaurant, I had a peak at his phone, shit, the app is still there. I was mad an coward, I didn't confront him why he still kept it. I knew he wasn't sure about our relationship, it was new. But it still hurt.

I don't know if he kept the app on this phone throughout our relationship, but I am almost sure he did. I hate myself I didn't confront him, because I can either get a fight and leave right away, or he would make a clear cut.

I am sure the app thing contributed to our break up. So, have a serious talk in a gentle tone.

[Opinion Owner]

Here is the con with dating app. Even for people looking for serious relationship, they tend to think there are plenty of fish out there.

To people like your boyfriend who keeps their acct on dating app while in a relationship:
But the truth is, there are only handful people on earth really caring about you genuinely. Go figure.

[Janethemayne]

I clearly completely understand how you feel.

Although we did not meet through tinder, it was clear that both of us were honest about our history using it.

Bottom line it crosses a boundary that someone you are in a committed relationship should not cross. Clearly its an indication that they are looking at what else is out there for them. That does not feel awesome, in fact it feels like a deal breaker for me.

We have spoken, but I can't change the fact that I'm hurt and don't know how to go back to what we had before my trust was broken.

thank you for sharing your experience, it means a lot that other can understand where I am coming from.

[Opinion Owner]

I think that was the first time I felt the trust was broken. I probably chose to be blind so I could stay in that long dead relationship. I was weak.
Thanks for posting this question, so I had chance to let it out and be heard.
It's sad, I hope you will never have to go through this.

[Janethemayne]

Well I think more than you being weak, I'm sure you were hopeful that this person would be who you believed them to be. But unfortunately that is not the case sometimes.

I'm so happy that something positive came out of this, every dating scenario teaches us who we are and maybe who we want to become ( either in or outside of said relationship) I'm so happy you were able to share and connect. It certainly has helped in my confusion, as I feel I've gone through every single feeling in the course of only a few days! I'm happy you no longer are with this person who clearly did not value your presence. On to bigger and better things!

[kaylaS91]

Well.. idunno. I get how the trust could be broken but... I mean, this isn't necessarily 'bad' on his part.

My boyfriend and I have always joked about Tinder too. In our first few months/year together, I got the app to see what all the hype was about too. I chatted to a few guys, got a few invites to meet up as well. I never followed up on any of those, though. I was chatting out of curiosity and.. yeah. My boyfriend wasn't overjoyed with it but I deleted the app soon enough and never looked back.

[Janethemayne]

As much as I understand your perspective, I feel that because it was something he left me out of, its very hard to consider this as something harmless. It would thing if we were on there together, keeping it within an open and fun meaningless game. Why not tell me if there is nothing to hide?

[kaylaS91]

unfortunately, this is one of those times where, unless you outright asked him to tell you if he had Tinder and he denied it, or if you had outright stated that you'd like him to refrain from using it, he didn't technically break any unspoken rules. I get how it's frustrating for you but.. I guess let this be a lesson to never assume things are obvious or implied in a relationship. To always state what is obvious to you, just in case it's not so obvious to your s/o, y'know?

[Wonderer89]

Eh on one hand I abhor people snooping, it’s invasive and wrong but that aside for a second - no. Not ok. If he’s bored there is an entire marketplace to help alleviate it, not chatting up other women. If the conversation was recent - in the last two months or so then I’d seriously consider ending the relationship. If he needs trawling to help keep him entertained he can do it single

[Janethemayne]

I agree with you of course snooping is not right, but given our relationship my thought was that he has full access to my phone, why would it be wrong for me to see his. Either way I was not trying to find something, maybe what I did was wrong but if he didn't want me to see it he could have deleted it. It was indeed last month, so yeah I'm pretty sure I know what I need to do. Thank you for your opinion.

[Wonderer89]

Slippery slope thinking there, but all the best with however you decide to handle it xo

[Noollab]

How devoted can he be with an active tinder, getting girls' numbers? It sounds like he got caught early, but who knows what would happen if you hadn't noticed his tinder account?
I say dump him.

[Janethemayne]

right, exactly I could not agree more. thank you.

[Jake850]

Think about what would have happened if you hadn't caught him. I agree with Noollab. You should dump him. That way you save yourself some hurt.

[Janethemayne]

thank you all of this is re-iterating how I feel

[Jake850]

Well it's better to end it before it gets worse. The longer it goes on the worse it gets. I know it's common sense but it helps.

[undercoverbadgirl]

A few months ago I tried using tinder. I was looking for something serious, and so I stated that clearly in my bio. No hook ups. Ended up dating a guy that I’ve met on there for 2 months before discovering he had been cheating on me since day one. Despite being official & exclusive, and agreeing to delete our tinder accounts he never deleted his and kept meeting girls from there the entire time. Probably even slept with some of them while sweet talking to me about commitment. I will never be able to trust anyone on the same level anymore, let alone trust someone on a dating app. Thus from this day onwards any dating apps are a no for me. I would say you should dump him. You know exactly what he would do if you hadn’t discovered this early on.

[Owen_Eerens]

There is somethin going on because if he has spare time and he is bored he could spend even more time in you