Talking to an ex after a breakup?

[Anonymous]

Well, my ex broke up with me almost 3 weeks ago, and I'm still having a really rough time. He was my first actually "official" boyfriend, but we were only officially dating for a month, and I left for about a week, and he broke up with me the day I got back.

He originally started talking to me more 2 weeks after he and his ex broke up because he was depressed due to breaking up with her. So he basically used me, to help with his feelings for her.. but then we started to date 2 months later..

He's had multiple girlfriends, all of which haven't lasted more than a few months

The reason he gave me for breaking up with me was because he thought our personalities weren't compatible, but I don't know if I necessarily believe that, because we've known each other for over a year, and we were fairly good friends, and he's still really good friends with that ex, and now they're basically all over each other again.. and it kills me.. he doesn't really seem to give a crap about what he did.. He said he likes me as a friend and still wants to be friends, of course.. but I think he might just be trying to justify what he did.. and he hasn't spoken to me since. His ex still doesn't know we dated because he wanted to keep it a secret to avoid hurting her more, which I stupidly agreed to

So I'm thinking of telling him that we can't be friends anymore.. It will kill me, because I still do want to be friends, but he's killing me by ignoring me/getting closer to his ex anyway, but I also want to ask him some questions about why we broke up, and basically tell him what I would've done different. I know everyone says this is typically a stupid idea and to just move on, but I feel like he at least owes me this... Hopefully to help me move on, and to help my future relationships, maybe to change his perspective on dating/hurting girls, because he desperately needs it.. and so I learn not to make these same mistakes...

Thoughts?

Updates

+1 y

Hey guys, I was pretty aware that I was a rebound, even before we started dating.. He did basically tell me, in a different way... but I figured we might have been OK since we waited a bit, but yea, it's not. I want to hear the truth from his mouth so he stops trying to hide from what he did and make it seem like it's ok.. He does this rebound crap all the time, so it's not all that surprising.. I know this isn't my fault, I just think he should care, because we were friends before.. regardless

[vmw2008]

Don't ask him for reasons why you broke up, and do not tell him what you would have done differently. Those are great things to discuss during a mature breakup, usually one after a relationship that lasted a while. In your case however, the answer seems pretty obvious as to why you broke up. You were his rebound, and he still has feelings for his ex. He won't come out and tell you that though, so asking for reasons will just be more confusing and hurtful. Also, telling him what you would change is also unnecessary. It didn't last that long, it's clear he's already beginning to move on, and you will only make yourself appear desperate if you try to apologize. (Especially since it probably had nothing to do with you).

What you should do is break contact and stop being friends. Even if it's very hard, it will be better for you in the long run. There needs to be a no contact period after a breakup or you will continue to have feelings for him. It will take twice as long to get over him. You will also gain some respect in the process as well. Maybe you can be friends later when you're completely over him, but right now it's still too new and it will be harder on you. Trust me, you'll be glad contact with him sooner rather than later. It happens all too often that a friend of mine wakes up, realizes she's been her ex's "friend" for a long, painful year and he still doesn't want her back. And what's more? She's still not over him. Don't waste any more time on a guy that picked someone else.

[Asker]

He already did somewhat tell me that he was using me. I guess I want to tell him these things because it's the only way I know he'll care at least in some way, which is what's hurting me the most. I feel like I can't move on without knowing he cares about what he did. I know he has some heart, and I guess that's what I'm trying to see in him right now. We haven't talked since, and I'm not planning on it until I tell him we can't be friends..

[vmw2008]

What if he doesn't show that he cares. Won't you feel even worse for having contacted him and gotten nothing? He's not your boyfriend anymore, the sooner you quit caring about what he thinks and how he feels about you the better.

[Zach_Major]

Yeah he was just basically using you as a rebound in the relationship. He still had feelings for his ex so basically he used you to feel comfortable till his ex would comeback to him. Many boys and girls do this. Sorry to hear that though.

[jds22]

Sorry to say but he caught you in a rebound relationship while he still had feelings for her.