We both cheated...now what?

[Anonymous]

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost two years and we currently live together. About four months ago I was out at a work function and was well past intoxicated...and I ended up making out with a work colleague. I was blacked out during this period, and I honestly do not remember it, but was told by of all people my boss that this happened while she took me to a late night breakfast to sober my ass up. I started crying and demanded I be taken home so I could confess to this at once. I honestly love my boyfriend very deeply and in no way set out for this to happen. The alcohol was no excuse, but I don't feel I ever would have put myself in this position otherwise. I truly don't. I confessed to my boyfriend that morning, and he was understandably pissed, but we remained together. I ended up quitting my job over the whole situation...it was a job I had been wanting to get out of anyways, and I couldn't emotionally handle it most days anyways, but this incident really sent me over the edge.

The last few months of our relationship have felt very strained. I feel my boyfriend pulling away from me...we don't talk like we used to, we don't hang out or go on dates, and I'm not really invited out with his friends and family as much. I have felt so much guilt over what I did, I haven't had the courage to voice my concerns about our relationship. I have spent a lot of time inwardly wondering if his actions are a result of my cheating, or just settling into a long term relationship where we don't have to be glued at the hip anymore. Also, there are our new work situations...he has a new job where he works from 6am-7pm and is exhausted, while I am underemployed now and have no money to even propose we go out and spent quality time together. While I haven't voiced any concerns because I don't want to rock the boat and lose someone I love so much, I have just been getting more and more neurotic about our relationship, and feeling more insecure within it.

We got into a fight on Sunday. Today, still feeling horribly insecure after our fight, and knowing a lot of his anger probably came from from my previous indiscretion...I don't know why...but I checked his email. He hadn't done anything to make me question his actions...I guess I just wanted proof that we are good and that I am being just a nut. I ended up finding some emails back and forth of naked pictures between him and a girl. I know they were taken while we have been together because he has a newer telltale tattoo in the photos. When I asked him, he said they were "taken a long time ago". A lie, obviously.

What the hell do I do now? He is pissed I'm spying on him. I am pissed that he has allowed me to shoulder so much guilt for my actions that were unplanned...while this obviously has to have been purposefully orchestrated. Naked pictures of your **** don't just shoot themselves into cyberspace and come back with tacky girls fingering themselves. We have some trust issues, clearly

[zombiefood]

Well... That's not a good situation, I think we can both agree on that.

To put it bluntly I would leave. There's too much lying, too much mistrust, too much sh*t blocking the way of a clear, honest, loving and caring relationship. Yes you may love him but at what cost?

So go talk to him. Right now communication is key, maybe you guys can work things out, salvage what's left. Or just start anew, take some time apart and do some personal assessments then meet up again to figure out a final decision.

You both did wrong and neither of you have any good excuse for doing it (it's irresponsible to get so drunk. And also know you want to get drunk yet not have any one look after you, especially when you're as old as you are, you should know better). Maybe he was sending pictures as a revenge to you? Maybe he was doing it before you made out with that other guy? I don't know but if you talk about it maybe you can clear a few things up. Maybe he was just so hurt he didn't know what else to do but hurt you back? Not an excuse but still something better than he doesn't want to be with you anymore.

So sit down and talk like grown ups, figure out a course of action and then go for it. Whether it's taking a break to reassess things, or starting over or just breaking up you need some big changes and you need them fast because things are pretty broken.

[Coffinspire]

You guys need some alone time. Don't talk about the situations, that makes it worse. Me and my man have been together just as long as you guys and are living together also, and we are still attached at the hip and spending time together (we don't go anywhere we just hang out at home) but when he started going through my Facebook and phone, we started getting mad at each other (not that I do anything bad at all)

Watch a movie together, or cook him a nice meal for when he gets home from work (probably steak since that's a guy thing) that way you guys can sit and talk casually without distractions.

The emails from girls are prob webcam girls or something I wouldn't be too worried, it sounds like you guys have a strained sex life as a result of your issues. Though I am not justifying him sending pics back.

[Anonymous]

You cheated more than he did. Whether you like to admit it or not, you're clearly excusing your behavior on the part of the drink. Saying it was unplanned, while his photo exchange is planned.

He sent photos. Big deal. That's nowhere near as bad as what you did. The best you can say about yours, is that you were honest immediately. He apparently, has not been.

Yes, you're both in trouble. You need to talk. You're afraid to, but if you don't, this relationship is doomed. And when you talk (if you do) you need to know how to talk without

a) trying to excuse what you did

b) trying to make his indiscretion equal to your own.

The impression I get from your post here, is that you won't be able to do that.

[l-hedoniste]

He needs to work more on the relationship. You need to work less.

He: needs to cut his hours while you pick up some of the slack. I understand that he has to keep the roof up, but if he wants to date, and certainly if he wants to parent, he needs to scoop out some quality time for the people in his life. Otherwise, over the long run, that job will be all he has left.

You: Less snooping, MUCH less. And less confessing to meaningless affairs: if you would have simply shut up and flushed your drunken fling down the forgetting hole, would your relationship be better or worse off right now? Think about it, hard.

[sumina7]

Clearly all trust is gone between you two. IMHO, it will be better to break it off and give some space to each other and after some time, restart this relationship if still possible. That way, the past will be left behind.

Also, if you were blacked out and did not know what you were doing, may be the guy took advantage of this situation and made out with you. The whole thing might also be in other people's misunderstanding. Make it clear to everyone that you would never go with that guy, he is not your type, and you are disgusted with the whole situation.

[Anonymous]

You've got to be more careful... you could hurt yourself! Our culture encourages us to go in for instant gratification. This always doesn't pay in the long run...

I think trust is important in any relationship. If you can't trust someone, what's left?

Try rebuilding your trust. It could be hard work, but worth it...

[debsman]

I hate it when people blame alcohol when they cheat. This relationship has crashed and is still burning. End it. The trust is gone and won't be back.

[sexhelp101]

Your relationship is doomed. Get out of it before you get pregnant. It will never, ever, work.