I broke up with my toxic girlfriend but I am not feeling ready for new relationship, why (details) ?

[Anonymous]

I broke up with my extremely toxic girlfriend who always used to apply psychological torture to me during our relationship and it lasted 5 months only. I would genuinely like to love her with my purest and heartiest feelings but she always said me that she had no emotional intimacy whenever we meet up each other. She had a long-lasting relationship before me which took almost 4 years so she said that she had some trust issues but I have terribly been affected with this sticky situation. She always talking about her ex, giving me subliminal messages about him. Despite having been in clearly rebound, I tried to love and care her and never left her at anytime.. And finally our relationship has ended by my mistake, I commented one of my woman colleague's instagram picture as wonderful and she just immediately cut me off for that reason. It's been seven months since our breakup but I feel myself so crammed, lonely and miserable. Nobody understands me in this hard time. Moreover, in worse, I have lost my job which was set for my by her mother and then probably they led me to get fired from the work for being breakup. Now, Neither I am feeling ready to love the new person nor I still love her.. But I fed up with loneliness.. How can I deal with this extremely complicated situation?

[Well_Wisher]

Firstly what I feel is you shouldn't think that you are the reason of breakup. Just because you commented on your colleagues photo doesn't make you the culprit of the broken relationship if the comment wasn't to cheap, flirty, offensive or something which could be counted as betrayal to your partner. So don't blame yourself for it. As you mentioned your ex girlfriend has a previous long term relationship and she always talked about her ex with you means clearly you were rebound and you knew it. Also she has not completely moved on from her ex therefore you never felt chemistry into relationship. It might happen that she was using you to make him feel jealous or using your love and kindness to overcome her lonely patch of life until she found someone else. And it might be a possibility that she found someone and gave you a stupid reason fof breakup and kicked you out of the company.
The reason you are feeling not ready for relationship might be that you are not completely healed from your previous relationship. You are carrying an emotional baggage which you should drop off so yout next relationship won't be harmed by it. You should give yourself time to heal and focus on yourself for sometime. Other reason might be that you gave her too much of yourself and you took it so personally that you are afraid to love someone deeply. You dont wanna feel this again in your next relationship hence you are trying to shut yourself emotionally and holding your heart so tightly to avoid falling for wrong person that you are not letting yourself fall for new person. So you have to forgive and forget. Stop regretting and start healing. Leave emotional baggage and live life free. I know this isn't that easy for person who is going through such times but it will help you a lot for moving on and giving your times and efforts for someone who deserves you. AND YES SHE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU by the way she treated you.

[Asker]

Unfortunately you have obviously summarized my situation very correctly but to be honest, I had already been acquainted with this situation since the beginning of the relationship. Even in our first week, her ex boyfriend was getting involved into us and she unblocked him from whatsapp because he cried a lot..! What a shame..! I have learned some dirty things and their private nude messagings between them and this terribly made me hurt. Towards the end of the date, she told me that she didn't need someone and she was happy with herself so I habe been hurt again. Then I have decided to start new searches without her knowing and although my message to my colleague wasn't flirty though but I really fed up with this sticky situation.. Probably she cursed me so much and nothing went in the order on my life after our breakup. I wasn't happy but I couldn't dare to give up her because of the concern of being alone again and difficult to find new person, and knowing that I was in rebound, these led me to make another mistake perhaps counted as a betrayal sort of a bit. I didn't want it like this.. She said that she never had wishes as if she was just excellent girl but in truth, she wasn't..

[Well_Wisher]

Whatever has happened is already happened and think about it again and again won't change your past. So I dont think it's ever gonna help you by digging up the past. I think the reason of you getting attached to her due to loneliness was one of the biggest mistake. Try to avoid such things for rest of the life. Your relationships had many of red flags like her unblocking her ex, her being in touch with her ex, she telling that she was happy with herself and doesn't need you. Although the nude messaging part I won't consider as a red flag only if those chats were of them when you were not in picture. If that happened after you both were in relationship man this is terrible. Yes now I got the point of why you think you are reason of breakup because you were searching for new people while you were with her. Yes I do agree we shouldn't have done this. No matter what the situation was, you could have always ended your relationship first before getting into searching phase.
Now what you can do is don't try to dissect the past and start looking towards your present and future. Remember few things like dont carry emotional baggage of this relationship into new one. Try to heal completely. Forget and forgive yourself. When entering into new relationship, dont get into it out of loneliness. See what works for you what doesn't. Dont compromise your core values and avoid red flags at any cost. Its better to be single rather than with wrong person as it may lose your chance of being with the right one if that right person is in front of you when you are with wrong person. This situation can either make you or break up (break in the sense of being a rough heartless man who will be just your your ex).
I know this hard time will really shape you well and you will see towards your future and relationship aspects properly.

[Asker]

It's been pretty hard time and moreover I have lost my job by getting fired from there which I found thanks to her mother. It was the second impact and the biggest most ruining one to me. I made some mistakes and I know them all but the only thing I beware that she never loved me at anytime. All of our meetups used to finish awfully with conflict for some trust reasons, she always used to check my phone, interrogate me what I was doing who girls are. I had unfriended all girls from my list for her but whatever I made, she never get convinced. Briefly all in all, we started this relationship and nestled on a weak and poor basement. Basically, I was in the rebound so what's more?

[Asker]

The problem is that I have been suffering. Not for her but I am feeling some internal judiciary confrontation. Nothing goes to be in order after her. I have still been unemployed and cannot find a job recently. Everything is overlapped and so hard to cope with them all. Thank you for your long and comprehensive comment, since you made an effort to understand me at least. Thanks a lot my friend 🙏

[Well_Wisher]

Yes I do understand your problem. I think you have lost your confidence in yourself. And I won't blame you for that as so much things came collapsing for you. Take your time but get some confidence in yourself. Get a job first, earning something will help you get back your confidence and boost you mind. Also it will keep you busy and hence you will get less time to think about everything that happened. No matter what you will do but do it with all of your heart and keep your mind involved into something. I can understand its is super hard for you to deal with and anyone at your place will react in same way. Feel free to talk anytime with me if it makes you feel better. This platform is meant for being there for each other right.

[Well_Wisher]

By your explanation it clearly says that you were in very toxic relationship where your ex tried to control you completely. She used your love, time, your honest and genuine feeling for her. You should have put this to an end the moment she tried to cross her boundaries and your private space. Never date someone out of loneliness otherwise its hard to stay single later and we keep entertaining the person who we know is toxic for us.

[Anonymous]

I feel like the situation is anything but complicated. A male friend of mine who is a great guy and works as a lawyer went through something similar. Girl would not stop talking about how good the sex with her ex (they dated 3 years then she dated a few guys since/short hookups only and finally settled with this current friend of mine into a place together. She would not stop talking about how with her ex (she acts like she and her ex are still connected/together in her mind and tries to project it into reality even though her ex is a pos and it was years ago when they broke up anyway) was to her girlfriends, blatantly in front of the male she was seeing (they were also engaged at this time and 8 months into dating - dumb on my male friends part too in my opinion).

He should have had a talk about that the second time it happened if it became clear it wasn't a one off she kept mentioning - and told her to go back to her trash ex who treated her like shit if she finds it so nice - which she wouldn't chose to do - and he should have had some self respect to set boundaries for himself. She doesn't respect him because he's too nice to set boundaries like this so she does it more as what I call a BS test - too test what kind of level would cause her man to stand up for himself or not - and he fails frequently at it confirming he is low value partner/weak in her eyes so she does it more.

[Opinion Owner]

Fast forward - reverse the behaviour and shed be pissed instsntly - but when she does it - "oh sorry baby but I'm allowed to talk about my past / tough shit" she says.

I told him to ditch the girl multiple times because he deserves better than her. He won't because he's too insecure that he won't find another partner who will take him (even though lots of girls would). So he gets to continue being with a girl who fantasizes about someone else when the fact and tells all of her girlfriends this publicly - and thats now his life that he has chosen for himself - his choice - certainly wouldn't be mine - and certainly shouldn't be yours either. You owe it too yourself to man up, pull yourself back on your feet and CHOSE to get a stable decent quality job in life - maybe it takes a few steps to get there over a couple years as you work hard to build your way up the food chain a notch or to to do it - that's ok - and very natural that it may take some time - most things in life worth while, do.

[Opinion Owner]

And if ever you text another girl as a friend only to compliment a friend - could be male or female - and she has expressed that she has no problem doing that to you already - she has no right to complain when you may chose to do it also. And if she has a problem with it - as she started doing that first - she can chose to stop doing it first in the relationship if she finds it doesn't feel so good on the other end of it.

Honestly man - from the way you yourself write and describe the situation you just got out of - it sounds to me like that worked out in your favour and you opened up a big opportunity to upgrade from your shit ex, and work on yourself to set a good example in advance for whats achievable ahead of when you meet your future partner and maybe settle in with her to stsrt a real family someday together.

[Opinion Owner]

You could have written any qualities you chose to describe your ex - both positive and negative alike (we all have some flaws - and good healthy relationship partners find way to create love and good traits they like in each other and work past the flaws).

You state you love your partner to the purest of your heart. My question is. Why?

The top two traits you mention first - while writing from your heart I may add - are that she is "toxic" (-1), "psychologically [torturous]" (-1), "unwilling to date you emotionally/intimately in an actual relationship" (largely because you and I both know she doesn't respect you enough as a man is the main reason whether illogical or not - even when she herself has no problem opening herself up "emotionally/intimately" and has enjoyed and chose to be in "4 yr + long term relationships" no problem with other men in the past (-1), that she has (with you only) "trust issues" (even though she has no problem trusting any other men she has been with in the past - and no problem trustinf her current men she is likely cheating on you with currently and was likely cheating on you with all throughout your relationship (evidenced by the fact she felt so confident of herself to drop you like that on the drop of a hat anyway - its likely you are actually the plan B side man at best in her world - and thats your own choice ONLY if you continue chosing to be so - or you can decide today with this relaization no unfolded (wasn't your choice to chose that initially, but it now is your choice to continue that or walk through a separate better door and ditch her ass)

[Opinion Owner]

Out of the top 4 best traits about her in terms of what you feel most closest to your heart about the dynamic between you and her - she scores a -4 at best. I would require a lot more quality from my partner if I was willing to put up with all that to make it worth my time - especially when there's way better girls seeking a partner out there who are similar in quality to your girl or better - and don't require having their partner put up with all that nonsense to date them. Wake up tomorrow morning, make your bed first, have a good breakfast, then go to work on yourself and put the focus on leveling up most days of the week (a day or two off once in a while is no problem as most days is the goal anyway - then get back on track quick and easy when you do). It'll feel like work at first - then you'll look forward to it, and the feeling of satisfaction leveling up your life it beings - hit the gym, read 10+ pages a day, apply for work and start seeking out opportunities and career paths to climb, go back to school on the side if you need to to achieve that. And take an hr or two for yourself in the evening most days when you want while you go. You won't recognize yourself in 6 months time if you do. And your ex won't either. And you won't care because you'll already be on your way to finding something thats better as fate opens up while you do.

[Opinion Owner]

I work in commercial banking - most of friends work in banking/law downtown, my brother in investment banking, and 2 of my friends in med school. One or two dropped out of uni in 3rd yr and their lives are noticeably worst both health and career wise. But their finding their way. - but their finding their way. Trades are great too and in high demand also. Important thing is to find something you love that creates a lot of value for others - this will kick back profit for you while helping other people solve their solutions. Its as simple as that - but takes some elbow grease at the start for a couple years to get started. Gym habit will pay off the fastest within 3 months if you are looking for a solid foundation to get started on. Reading can lead in to courses/licenses for your career habits on your free time outside of work to find opportunity to work more and make a lot more money for yourself over time if you want to chose to do so. Balance it with 1-2 hrs of free time daily for gym and rest on you'll crush it over 5-7 years.

[Opinion Owner]

Good luck my friend.

[Pinay_ako]

Congratulations on finally breaking free from the chains! Now, heal yourself by not jumping into another one ☝️right away. Learn to be strong on your own without needing another person. Enjoy your single life until you’re ready to love again. Life is too short to overthink. You’re not alone. You’re stronger than you think! I wish you the best

[JustMeL120]

This is why people should watch out for redflags before dating. People pick up on red flags like girls who clearly have no feeling for them or are using them or are narsistic they choose to ingore this because the girl is pretty. Next time dont ignore it.

[Guy13]

You need time to grieve man...

[Nivinxus]

You need to sort these things out. I suggest therapy because you have a lot to unpack. You've been hit personally and professionally and that can get overwhelming.

Personally, I don't think it is complicated, but no matter what I say, it isn't what you want or needed to hear. Go to therapy, get your thoughts sorted out, and maybe you'll find a way out of this hole you got put in.

[Eliiiiii]

It takes time to heal unless u find the right medicine (It not being drugs or anything but an escape or someone you'd feel comfortable with and would not have similar traits as ur previous partner).

[Heterosketero]

Because you are also toxic because of that partnership, you need a detox. Be with your friends and enjoy the time you have.

[Anonymous]

you don't you just move on. if she broke up with you over a comment then she was looking for any excuse to break up with you and there were other issues that had to be addressed