Should I stay or should I go?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I of 3 years, we’ve live together for the past 6 months are facing a break up.

We talked about a break up, our fights have been slightly more worse each blow out. I have expressed a willingness to try and figure out what the root cause of these fights are. A willingness to try and better shape our dynamic when it comes to conflict. He says he needs to have time to think. Later in the week, I bring it up and ask him what he wants and he says me. He says he wants this but we have to be better but then the next fight comes along and he wants to break up again.

Writing it out I know everybody will say life’s to short, move on, he doesn’t seem to want it enough to actually change but we have a very special bond. We both have shared that we get each other like nobody else etc. I see a deeper value in this and am willing to exhaust every route to try and make it work.

Today mid afternoon we were lounging in bed, I asked him “so what do you want to happen” he asked me how I felt about it. I explained and he fell asleep while I was talking. I woke him up and asked how he feels, and he said “We keep talking about this, you already know how I feel” but I don’t, the last conversation he said he didn’t know and wanted to think.

Should I just throw in the towel? I can already guess yes, but I don't know maybe someone will have an insight I haven’t thought of. I just wanted someone who has been through the same to shed some advice.

I appreciate you all, thank you for reading.

[Olivier-628]

I think it's safe to say it's still good.
As far as i can see, he doesn't really liken to plan things in advance and maybe you too moving in together doesn't mean you have the same life.

You are still two individuals who like each other for better and worse 😉.

Try to make things more sudden or talk it out how not to get on each others nerves and spend more time on being the two individuals that like each other and not become one crazy single organism.

Also breath and apologize to kickstart it going better since "complaining" isn't going to help him change.

[OfMiceandMen]

I think I would start planning my escape route, as he does not appear to be participating in the relationship.

He should know what he wants after 3 years. If he's not indicated any kind of direction by then, you are likely better off on your own without the drama.

At least put the effort into something, whether it be a new relationship or into your own goals and aspirations.

I find people like him tend to drag other people down, who know what they want in life.

[Ben487]

What are you fighting about? Not enough information to draw from here. Most men aren’t going to change for you. Also 3 years is too long to be dating. If things were good you should have been married by now.

[Asker]

The fights are 9/10 about something that upsets me and he doesn’t agree I should be upset so he gets mad and shuts down which then causes me to react more upset because he’d rather say I’m wrong for feeling how I do instead of acknowledging it and trying to help me figure it out.

I agree In a traditional sense, however we both aren’t sure how we feel about the idea of marriage in general so we don’t really focus on that at the moment.

[Asker]

an example of a fight we have is;

I ask him if we can plan times for a date. He says he’s busy with work/chores around the house. “We live together and see each other every day” but if I plan it in advance he will go.

But his friends ask to hangout and all the sudden he’s not busy and can go out whenever they ask him to.

I expressed to him that it upsets me that he can go hang on a whim with his friends but I have to pencil in advance. He then snaps at me, says I’m wrong, that’s not what’s happening and then withholds any reasons, reassurance or comfort. I then feel more upset which causes me to lash out ontop of him lashing out and then communication is in the garbage.

Sure, why do I want to be with someone like that. I just see it as an opportunity to solve and improve. Kind of the point of couples therapy etc.

[Ben487]

Okay, well this is seemingly small stuff. If it were me I wouldn’t hang up a 3 year relationship over this type of behavior. Unfortunately I think this is actually something you’d find happening with a lot of men, especially career minded men that network and have to go out a lot. If he’s a good provider and he is your type otherwise I’d think you would wanna work this out rather than take your chances trying to find someone better. Maybe the women on here will have a different point of view.