She's ALWAYS too "sick" for sex, what can I do?

I'm 33, she's 28, we're still relatively young (or at least she is, lol), we're not senior citizens here. We've been together 6 years now. The first 6 months I don't think we left the bedroom. Probably had sex twice a day, or if she was still sore from all the sex we'd still fool around. She'd wake me up in the morning or the middle of the night with bl0wjobs, then I'd return the favor. Our sex life was an A+.

Then things changed. The abbreviated version of that story goes: opposite work schedules/decrease in sex but still made a priority --> she has nervous breakdown/no sex for 14 months --> broke up for 6 months because she wasn't in a state to be in a relationship --> got back together, but she spent a year living in residential intensive therapy centers, so rarely saw her and couldn't have sex --> currently she lives in my area again but we haven't moved back in together yet Because her sister needed a roommate. She's getting her life back on track, and is in school and outpatient therapy, doing much better! So yeah, a lot has happened, but that'd be three pages long, lol. Just added it Because it's part of the story.

Anyway, when we have sex, it's amazing. We're very sexually compatible, and she pulls out all the stops when she wants to; lingerie, outfits, etc, all on top of being real easy to look at anyway. That makes it even worse, Because that's what I'm missing out on when we don't have sex.

But here's the problem: she's "not feeling well" like 98% of the time. Her stomach hurts, her throat is sore, she feels nauseous...it's always something. Obviously I want her to feel well first and foremost Because I care, but secondarily, I'm trying to hit that, sonnnnn, lololol. The lack of sex is f*cking KILLING ME. And one of the knocks on her is I think she exaggerates not feeling well so people will take care of her and/or not expect things of her. She's kinda lazy about some things and she claims she's sick to avoid having to do stuff. I don't think she does it to avoid sex per se, but she can't abandon the act when there's other things to avoid. Plus, she gets lazy about showering and shaving, and she won't have sex unless she does, which I appreciate, but wish she would keep up with it.

What can I do about this? I'm not ready to be the miserable old guy who never gets laid, lol. I'd talk to her, but she gets very defensive, and I don't want to come off like it's all I care about. But a relationship without sex is mostly just a pain in the a$$. I love her and I'm not going anywhere, but I can't live like this.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I feel like there is something mentally going on with her, sex is very mental for women. I feel like psychologically sex might be hard for her because she feels something is off about your relationship. I am not being judgmental I just am saying from personal experience. The only times I haven't been totally into with sex was when I felt there was something off about the power dynamic in the relationship and it made me uncomfortable. When I am in a relationship I like to feel like I am the one that sort in charge, not sexually but emotionally or something. Maybe because you are 5 years older she feels like she is not in control and the power dynamic is shifted in your direction. Maybe you should more closely examine the nature of her breakdown for clues. Can you tell me more about that? Why did she have a breakdown and what was it about?

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    • Well, I don't think it's a power thing. I let her call the shots. I'm real laid back, she's the uptight one with all the demands. I let her have her way most of the time because I can't be bothered arguing. She has anxiety disorders, which I'm sensitive to, but at the same time, we all have problems, and I go out of my way to not let mine interfere with interpersonal relationships.

      Her breakdown was because she had an ex-bf lock her in his house and he beat and pistol whipped her. I wasn't...

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    • Well, you really need to learn how to be there for her to talk. you don't even have to talk just listen, I read this book a Tibetan monk wrote about love, and he says being there for someone and listening is really really important. people only go to therapist because no one in their house knows how to listen. If you really love her you have to be able to care for her emotional needs. With out that kind of emotional bond sex will ultimately be unsatisfying and empty.

    • Also is she on any kind of antidepressant? sometimes antidepressants can kill people's sex drive, and anxiety medications are the same type.

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What Girls Said 5

  • if she's on meds that can actually be causing her symptoms. not laziness. also a break down is exhausting and it denotes physical mental psychological spiritual collapse. hence _BREAKDOWN_.

    you are kind of holding a sh*tty attitude towards her. if you really think she's faking or being lazy you ought to examine that. because you can't respect someone if you think they are lazy. and no doubt she's not gonna want sex with someone who doesn't respect her.

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  • Obviously you have your sexual needs but understand that its not the only thing in the world.She might need some time deal with her problems.Pamper her , help her deal with her other issues and then within some time she will be ready for sex

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    • Already been playing that game for like 4 years.

  • It sounds like right now, she just needs some one to understand her and give TLC for the time being. She's been through a lot and perhaps the medication, she is on is affecting her energy and mood levels.

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  • Have sex with another woman and have good sex adventures. That is all you can do.

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  • It's not all about sex. While sex is great, and I agree, you need to stop doing it all the time. Like everyone else said, you need to treat her like a girlfriend. I think your problem is actually you and not her. I've read all the answers and the comments you make after them and I see that you think you're perfect. Something is obviously emotionally wrong with her at the moment and sex doesn't solve it all. You need to communicate with her and ask her what is going on. We can only make assumptions from your descriptions but it is you that knows her best. Good luck.

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What Guys Said 8

  • You sir need to go visit a p*rn site for the next 8 hours to help with some of this sexual frustration you are having. Once you have managed to release some stress you need to talk to her about this and explain your problem and see if she is willing to work with it.

    But seriously dude. You sound like you're in heat. You need a level head for this and get your brain out of your pants. Maybe she just isn't into it anymore and feels the need to make excuses to protect your feelings.

    Maybe try harder on trying to get her on the mood. You might be smothering her and she isn't liking it.

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    • Nothing like that. She's more lazy than anything. Showering/shaving is like an hour and a half ordeal. She usually will shower, but she can't get her sh*t together often enough to do the whole production. She takes medications that claims to cause all these "ailments", so I don't really know what to say to that.

    • Meds can mess up a person's hormones severely affecting their sex drive so that could be it. You still need to talk to her about your needs in the relationship. Yes, sexual satisfaction is important but it should also be done under a mutual agreement.

  • if she has depression, there are anti depressant drugs can't kill her desire to have sex, you should accompany her, you should ask her about what kind of medication, try to speak with her and changer her medication so it is not disturbing her desire to have sex.

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  • The lack of sex hasn't killed anyone up to now. You'd be the first one.

    You'll know which illness she has, which meds she has to take. Your problem is more that you need to know if you can stand a relationship with someone who's ill. You don't seem capable of that: I feel a certain lack of empathy in your question. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't read anything about your love for her either, about your plans for a future with her.

    If sex is your priority #1, then, of course...

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    • "Her breakdown was because she had an ex-bf lock her in his house and he beat and pistol whipped her. I wasn't "allowed" to go after him the way I wanted to, and I couldn't even have it mentioned around me if I couldn't. So it all got shut off. "

      That explains a lot. She suffered a severe trauma then.

      You could really show more empathy instead of thinking about how you'll get laid.

  • RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

    You had your fun with her. Seasons come and go. All good things come to an end. Ya'll had your time in the sun...RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN DUDE!

    You didn't mention kids so there is no tie. RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

    She's not the only split tail out there that takes pride in her ability to please a man.

    RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

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  • She has all these emotional and psychological problems... and the only thing you're more worried about, is that you are not having sex as much as you used to? If you don't see the problem here, then there's no helping you at all.

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  • Sounds like you should find another woman

    You're clingy

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  • If you're going to be in a relationship, shouldn't it be with a functional human being? She is clearly not functional; her problems affect her life and your relationship drastically. There is nothing wrong with feeling sorry for her, but that doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with her.

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  • Perhaps, it seems that she just see you as someone who only use her for sex.

    Treat her like your girlfriend.

    Do little things for her like massaging her back, dancing with her, taking her out for a walk, cooking for her, and lots of others.

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    • Bro, I'm an A+ boyfriend. She loves me to death. The issue isn't her feelings about me, it's her being kind of a wimp over every little ailment. She wants to have sex, just not as much as she doesn't want to have to acknowledge that's perfectly fine to do other things.

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