Does it help or hurt me if my ex girlfriend saw me with an attractive girl?

[Anonymous]

My ex broke up with me after dating for about a year. I tried to get her back, but she me said she just didn't feel the love and passion for me for a long term relationship.

I was pretty hurt and went NC for a few months. We then saw each other at an event (we have mutual friends in common). She saw me sitting with an attractive female friend. I heard through the grapevine that my ex already thought I was dating someone. I think this is why she was cold to me when I approached her on a previous occasion (even though before that, she had been friendly to me). Now that she saw me with another woman, it probably confirmed her suspicions.

I tried to respect her space and see if perhaps she would come around.

But, did I now inadvertently kill my chances of ever getting back with her?

Updates

+1 y

So, I took the chance and went to the party last night. I was at first nervous because I though the ex would be there, relieved when I thought she was wasn't, but then anxious again when I realized she was there. When she walked past me, I flashed a smile and said hello. She smiled back and walked past me. I was standing with a mutual friend who later told me that she didn't come up to him and give him a proper hello because I was standing there with him. While it's great that she can at least smile

Updates

+1 y

...back at me, it kind of hurt that she doesn't feel comfortable enough to talk to me or even a mutual a friend standing next to me. Overall, it was a decent night. I talked to some women and it helped tremendously that my friends were with me. However, I don't want to creep my ex out. Should I stop smiling and say hello all together? I want to maintain civility and I don't necessarily want to stop attending events where she may be since I have friends there and I could meet other women.

[Anonymous]

For starters,you shouldn't ever try and get someone back that has blatantly told you that they do not feel the "love and passion" for you.You have got to respect yourself more than that dude.There are more than 7 billion people on this planet.Granted at one point you were into this girl (obviously more than she was into YOU),but you must understand that there are so many other girls out there with some of the very same qualities you admired in her,and girls who are actually a BETTER fit for you than she was.You're still hurt about it because you were dumped.The dumpee usually feels the worst in breakups because it is a form of rejection.NOW...

Seeing you with another girl...does it help or hurt you?The answer is...NEITHER. If she is jealous,it is because she hasn't found someone to replace you...YET.Not because she magically overnight has fallen back in love with you...let's be realistic here.By you finding someone else,its just showing her that you are moving forward,and not looking back at what you ONCE had.Its warped,but also in my opinion normal for the dumper to feel jealous of a partner finding new love.Why?Because there is no way to erase a relationship.Time shared is time shared whether it is a week,month,or a YEAR.The dumper still mourns the loss of the relationship,or better yet having a partner for company,but NOT necessarily that PERSON.They are mourning the aspect of a relationship...nothing more. I would almost guarantee that if you even TRY to get this girl again,she would either say NO,or say YES...and then leave you again not too soon after.

I once had a BF,he dumped me and I was devestated.I felt that I "NEEDED" him back.I presented a case that said we should be together.I put allllllll of the power and decision into his hands.We got back together,and he was a d*** and treated me like sh*t.I was overwhelmed with hurt,and the entire time I feared he would leave me...AGAIN because he had already done the same thing once before.We were only together for two months after getting back together before I decided I know longer wanted to be treated like sh*t. When I told him I was over it,he didn't REALLY care either way,because he was sort of checked out of it anyway.He was more or less with me for superficial reasons.Not because he liked me so much.So I put myself through all sorts of embarrassment,and putting my feelings on the line for someone who kicked me to the curb once before.

My honest advise to you friend...get over this chick.She told you basically that she is over you.The relationship is now spoiled to be honest.You owe yourself a hell of a lot more than trying to think whether or not she will be jealous of you for finding someone new.You owe yourself more than trying to have someone who can easily dispose of you.Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship,and MOVE ON to someone better.Someone who will be just as excited about YOU as you are of them.

Find someone NEW.Only except the BEST.

[Asker]

Thanks for answering and placing so much thought into your response. I guess it was wishful thinking that I thought I had a chance to get her back. The thing that threw me off was that she was friendly towards during our first two post breakup encounters. But, then a month passed and when I her again to say hello, she went cold and slightly rude on me. All these encounters happened in front of mutual friends. I can only think it pissed her off that I was moving on, but why? She dumped me!

[Opinion Owner]

As I said,her "anger" towards you has nothing to do with her having increased feeling for you.That anger she is feeling is more about her and how she has yet to find someone to replace YOU.Its probably more jealousy than anything.Sometimes,people expect to see their former partners crying and feeling terrible about the breakup etc.But you're moving on and that bothers her.Its probable that she feels insignificant because of it.Anyway,just find someone else!

[Asker]

One of my friends though the same when I told him about the cold shoulder I received. He thought she didn't like the fact that I seemed to be bouncing back even though deep down I wanted her back (but of course, I never called her or begged). I was also reluctant to call her back because when we broke up, she told me that some of her exes (even the married ones) would call her for a hookup. I didn't want to be one of those loser exes no matter how much I wanted her back.

[Opinion Owner]

Well good for you.Just keep moving forward.

[bettybets]

She is just jealous because you've seemingly moved on before her. She told you she doesn't love you so that's that. If he hasn't contacted you/doesn't want contact then she doesn't want anything to do with you. That's how it is with my ex. And he even hugged me at a BBQ I went to making it seem like he was happy to see me. Yet he never spoke to me really for the rest of the time and hasn't contacted me or interacted with me at all (i.e. on Facebook) since. Previously he had been ignoring me for several months. He doesn't care and your ex doesn't care either. They both just got jealous because he saw me talking to someone and he didn't have anyone to talk to there and she was jealous because she didn't have an attractive guy there with her. They just want to move on before us. It's kind of like competition. I want to move on before my ex does as well but I'm sure he's beaten me to it based on what I've heard last year.

[Asker]

hi...sorry to hear you had to go through a similar situation as mine. I thought perhaps my ex was pissed because I didn't chase her again after initial, post-breakup friendly encounter. I was tempted to do so, but simply could not because of all what she had said and done. Besides, she said she wanted to remain during the breakup, so how could I know why she really being friendly? A month passed, I went out on dates, my ex apparently found out, and that was the end of the amicability with her.

[bettybets]

I understand. I think even if my ex had wanted to chase me my telling him that I never want to talk to him again out of my hurt from the break up deterred him. Maybe someday they'll come around and give us the time of day again. Or by the time they do we'll have moved far beyond them. Hopefully.

[PinkAcid]

if she cares at all its only because people have a complex where they want things they can't have then they drop it and get bored when they have it, don't put your hopes up because she already said she doesn't love you and left you.

the anonymous girl with the long post is 100% right, move on man you don't need her and you deserve better.

its a selfish thing for the dumper because they can only think "why has he moved on from me so fast after I broke his heart?" "what does the new girl have that made him forget about me?"

and of course the instinct within all of us; when we see someone of the opposite sex with another female/male it clicks in our heads that the person is desirable and so we desire them too even if we don't really like them as a boyfriend anymore.

if you get back together with her it won't last and she won't suddenly start loving you

[Asker]

Thx. She may not care. It's just that the first time I saw her after the breakup (following months of NC), our meeting was a bit awkward, yet amicable. Then a month later, she went completely cold and even rude to me. I was stunned. But, I later found out she had been asking around about me and dating. She thought I was dating someone (I was not, but was seen socializing with women by her friends). I am surprised she would care since she is the one who dumped me.

[PinkAcid]

dont bother with trying to be friends with her, she will see it her way and think you are trying to be friends to get back with her which will make her feel flattered and she may probably flirt to lead you on and keep all of your attention but she won't date you

she was cold and rude because she saw or heard about you moving on (true or not) before seeing you with the girl and realized she's lost all ties and all grip on you, its like "how dare he move on so fast" kind of anger which made her

[PinkAcid]

cold shoulder you and hope that you would run after her apologising and trying to stay friends therefore getting your full attention again and showing she's most important (very childish imo).

the dumper has to be the one to move on first, they have to be seen as someone who left someone they didn't need and found someone new and their life is great but when theyre left with no one and their dumpee moved on with some hot new chick they feel like the loser

[Asker]

ha ha..i think that is what happened. she dumped me and according to the grapevine, she was not with anyone. but then it appeared I moved on and that must have bugged her. its just sad that she turned out to be immature ( I thought she was sophisticated and actually meant it when she said she wanted to remain friends, or at least friendly). while dating, she did mention that she once dumped someone who had a son because she was selfish and wanted more attention from the guy.

[PinkAcid]

wow sounds like you dodged a bullet there lol, that is really selfish of her to ask a guy to pick her more over his kid.

she more likely just wanted to keep you on the sideline until she found someone new, shame you had to find out she's immature and petty but better now than further down the line :)

[Asker]

Yes, it's one thing that she realized I was not the one for her. That hurts, but I understand that's the nature of the game when one dates. But, I was more hurt and disappointed that she said we could remain friendly and then acted like a total b*tch to me when I left her alone (as she requested) and went out had a life without her. And I felt I was nothing but respectful and gracious whenever I did see her by not ignoring her, causing a scene, or cursing her out, etc.

Go figure!

[mshaker]

She doesn't care. Trust me she doesn't.

You should stop worrying about your ex, and be super happy and cherish the new woman in your life. Look at how this other girl was sitting with you at the concert and wanted your "time". Your ex saw you and walked away. Clearly she doesn't want your time.

Of course it bothers your ex that you have new woman all over you. Forget your ex. If she had a brain, she would have never left you for that small as reason of not "loving and having passion" for you. Clearly she's the one that let it die.

Be thankful that she's gone, cherish the new woman in your life, for they actually care for you, even if they are just being friends with you, cherish them, one of them might turn into something really special towards you.

Other then that, your ex has to make the first move. Don't call her ever again, or try to fix any bridges that she has broken, she's not worth it. Unless she shows that she wants to fix everything.

[Asker]

Thx for the slap of reality, dude. My friends pretty much tell me the same thing: that she doesn't care. Yet, she sometimes asks around if I am dating someone. Is she simply curious? Who knows? I guess I shouldn't dwell on it and simply tell me friends not to tell me about anything she does or says. My only concern now is going to events/parties with mutual friends where she may be. I will certainly never contact her again, other than a polite and quick hello wave, if I run into her.

[mshaker]

Dont even wave! Who cares if she's at parties where you are, Flirt with all the girls there, show her that she is no longer important to you. FOR SHE ISNT! Even if she waves at you, give her the "do I know you?" Face. Don't acknowledge her back. She doesn't deserve your time. And she's asking around cause she does miss you, she will just never admit it. Just forget her, she's a waste of time.

[Asker]

ha ha, you are funny, man. I wave because I want to take the high road. However, I will no longer approach her to make small talk. The last time I did that is when she went cold on me. I think she was trying to piss me off, but I refused to show that she got to me.

I can certainly flirt with other girls, but she can do the same with other dudes.

I am wondering if I should stay home to spare myself heartache, but there is a possibility I can meet other women.

[mshaker]

Look linguine. Who cares who she's speaking to. It doesn't matter. The worst has been done already. You need to just say, I'm better then you, and forget her. Cause you are man. Look at your heart right now, your on here crying and asking about it. If she cared, she would be making an effort to see you, and fix things. Don't acknowledge her, if she's talking to another guy, just know that your better then that other guy, and ull be fine.

[mshaker]

It hurts woman more to know that their old territory is occupied by a new female. Even if she's just "talking" to you. It hurts them. Stop worry about what she will think, and what about this and what about that. That's all done now, cause your no longer with her. Care more for what you want in life. What you wanna do. If you wanna go to this concert with you buddies, do it up. Don't allow someone selfish like her, to keep you away. LIVE YOUR LIFE, NOT ONE AROUND PLEASING HER.

[mshaker]

You pleasing her is done now. You have no reason to please her, or make her happy, or wonder why she asks. She asks if you have someone cause she's stupid. How you gonna leave someone and then ask if they have a new gf/bf? That's stupid. Be glad she has left now, and not when you had kids with her, cause of "no passion".

[Asker]

LOL...love your responses. A lot of them sound like what friend tell me. I really want to go to the party to chill with my mates and possibly meet other women. I know it will be a kick in th balls to see my ex with a dude, but I guess I will deal with it. At least my friends will be there. That will help.

[mshaker]

It won't be a kick in the balls, why? CAUSE YOU SHOULDNT CARE. Don't care about her bro. She's a lump. Trust me, she will come back one day, and you will be like " what the hell was I thinking even dating u? let alone be hurt over u?!" Trust me. Just say to yourself, I am an amazing man, and I will find someone worthy of my time. Trust me bro, you sound like a good guy. She's missing out, not you. Trust me, lol They allllllll miss out. And then when they see you out, they wanna be your friend. LOL

[Asker]

LOL! Good, positive outlook. I wish I could have your swagger. The last time I was this broken-hearted was with my first girlfriend, back in college. After I gave up on chasing her, she did reach out to me, months later. To did this day, I am not sure what she exactly wanted. At that point, I was mentally and emotionally done with her so I never bothered responding. I am not sure if my current ex will do the same as she is confident and seemed so certain she didn't love me, but I won't expect

[mshaker]

Honestly, don't stress, just get out there, and enjoy your life man. Look now you don't have to waste your money on someone. Anytime I breakup with someone, or leave them,or the leave me, that's the first thing that I think of. MORE MONEY FOR ME! And you don't have to worry about someone (less responsibilities), sure its nice to have someone, but that person will come along when you least expect it. She could even be that girl that was sitting next to you at your last party you went too.

[mshaker]

Just get out there, have fun, meet people, bang as many woman as you want, and do as you please. When you find the next one, I'm sure she will be the one to spend the rest of her life with you. But for now, I recommend a good dosage of F*cking everything that walks. Straight up. That's the first thing I do anytime I'm single, and when I'm single for a long time LOL.

[Asker]

Thanks. I will try to have a good time. However, I do not want to deceive any women. If they are down for what I down for, then fine. For the next girl, I want to get it right. After all, part of the breakup with my ex was my fault. I did take her for granted at times and I did not tell her that I loved after dating her for almost a year. I only poured my heart out after we broke up, but by then it was too late.

[mshaker]

Not try, you will have a good time. Act as if the last day of the world is tomorrow, and you are enjoying life to the fulliest everyday, weather it be work, or just hanging out with your friends. Always enjoy life to the fulliest. Just go out and have fun, you will meet someone else that's amazing. There are millions of girls out there.

[Asker]

Yes, I did have a good time. There was a bit of discomfort, but overall a good time.

[mshaker]

The discomfort is from her end. Good now you don't have to deal with her ever again. I salute you!

Cheers!

Mike

[Asker]

Mike,

Thanks. My ex and I are in the same social circle and we usually have monthly get togethers. One of my friends told me that she did seem uncomfortable that I was there. I didn't want to keep going to these events, but I am thinking of continuing to do so and who knows, maybe she will be the one to go away.

[mshaker]

See I told you. The discomforts from her end not yours. Just keep doing as you do. She will probably dipp one day, or cause a huge problem with all your friends picking sides. Which I'm sure none of them will want to take her side if she starts acting like that. Just keep doing as you do, be humble and happy, If she has a problem with it, she can go.

[mshaker]

I will warn you now, she will probably try to bring a "new guy" around. Don't let that phase you, cause at the end of the day, you already did her first. So you know what she's all about. If she does, do please, and I mean please try and date one of your girls from the same circle.(only if your interested in her, if not then don't) This will for sure make her leave. But when she brings the new guy around, remember, you have more power cause that's your group of friends, so please don't show weaknes

[mshaker]

so please don't show weakness to this new male. If she sees the power and confidence in you, this will probably get her to want you again. LOL Then the balls in your court. :)

[Asker]

Yes, I think handled last night OK. I always thought she had the upper hand but my friends aftwerward speculated that I may in that position. My buddies were there and I am social/friendly with the rest of the group. I think my ex expected me to crawl away and disappear after the breakup, but I didn't. Part of me doesn't want to push my luck and therefore stay away from future events since I already proved my point somewhat. But, my friends were happy I was there and want to keep seeing me out.

[Asker]

My friends also mentioned that if I stop going to these get togethers, she will win. I really hate this whole thing has become so adversarial in nature. I generally don't like confrontation, but I can't let the ex dictate my comings and goings either.

And, you are quite righ that a dude with her is the next step. I hope I can handle that situation with strength and grace.

[mshaker]

Good that you didn't show any sadness to her. Be strong, from here on out. As for you still wanting to go around your friends, you can, they are right, she will win if you stop going. Just go, be strong, if she brings another guy, just make sure you remember this your your click, not his, so show no sadness, be strong and graceful like you said.

[winherback]

It helps you personally, but it won't help you win your ex back.

[bettybets]

My philosophy when dealing with people who want to ignore you when you speak to them is just not to bother. If she doesn't want to talk to her then don't talk to her but if she says "hello" the next time you see her say "hi/hello" back and keep it moving. I honestly think the whole "I'm ignoring you thing is childish. There's nothing wrong with opening your mouth an acknowledging someone.

[Asker]

yes...I said hello first and in fairness to her she reciprocated. It's just that at one point, she was standing right behind me before she left for the evening with her friends. I know there was no obligation, but it would have been decent of her to say goodbye. Perhaps I am expecting too much from an ex. Afterall, I figure she does not want to lead me on.

[bettybets]

Yeah I think I've been in that situation of expecting too much from an ex too. But at the same time, is it expecting too much for them to act like themselves around you? As in speaking to you and making conversation when you're present. I guess they think that'll give us the wrong idea and it is a two-way street. Maybe they think we'll make the first move and initiate conversation. The good thing is you probably don't necessarily ever have to interact with her unless it's a mutual friend's thing

[raspberrypie]

No, you just made her go home and think if she still likes you or not and if she wants to be in a relationship with you or not. However, you have to make sure to tell her that you are not dating anyone, because as soon as she thinks you are dating someone she is going to try to move on and date someone herself, so text her saying something like "Hey, I heard that you thought I was dating someone, I just wanted to specify that I am not, that's all" before it's too late.

[Asker]

Thanks, but I can't contact her. That would be presumptious on my part. She would turn around and say something like, "I could care less if you are dating someone."

[Anonymous]

Ummm move on