Playing Hard to Get vs Wasting Your Time

Playing Hard to Get vs Wasting Your Time

Everyone wants what they don't have. As soon as folks figured this out, the dating tactic of "playing hard to get" emerged. But while playing hard to get is a tactic to get someone's attention, it is easy to confuse this with someone who is not that interested and essentially wasting your time. Recently I've gone through both sides of the dilemma and sure wish I had some so here are 2 short stories of each:

The Game Player (Playing Hard to Get)

This gal had it bad for me, and to avoid coming off too strong, really leaned hard on the idea that she didn't care much for me at all. Whenever I included her in plans (group or 1 on 1) she ALWAYS was available for me... BUT... somehow ALWAYS had some sort of more important thing she had to do that cut our time short. I ended up having to work hard to win more of her time. Yes... she was scheduling those conflicts on purpose to make her seem less available and it totally worked on me.

How I could have known: She paid way more attention to me and my plans than any of my other friends.

The Dreamweaver (Wasting Your Time)

I had it bad for this gal, and we were really great friends at work. We frequently made plans to do stuff after work, but it had a low degree of follow-through. The straw that broke the camels back: we made plans to go to a festival, she watched a game instead, asked me to go out with her after the game ended, then went radio silence until super late that night. The frustrating part was the time lost getting excited and getting ready to go out, then having the evening just drift away from me. I'll never get that time back. At the end of the day, I don't think it was coming from a place of hate, I think I was always just an afterthought to her.

How I could have known: I was putting a lot more effort than I have to do with other people in confirming the plans and logistics and timing and such.

The Fake Relationship (Playing Hard to Get)

This girl and I both had it bad for each other, but I was in a long term relationship. She eventually started seeing someone just so she'd have a date to prom (yes we are going back that far). My relationship ended and her behavior changed quite a bit. She either didn't mention the guy or kinda teased him when it was just us, and when he was around, she was overtly all over him. Yea, they didn't last and we ended up together.

How I could have known: Okay, this one I sort of did know. But the timing of things didn't seem to add up. Is their relationship hitting a rough patch as soon as you became single or more available? Could be a sign...

The Crossroads (Wasting Your Time)

This one goes to wasting time in a different way. This girl was very upfront and interested and we ended going up on plenty of dates and getting pretty close. The thing, though, is that she was only in town for school and was going to be getting her degree soon. Conversations about what she wanted to do were filled with things but never filled with locations. Turns out she had little intention of staying in the area, and had little intention of taking anyone with her. A fresh start, I can't blame her, but the relationship was essentially dead when it started, but she was the only one who knew that.

How I could have known: I should have been more upfront about my feelings and our future together. But at the same time, that is heavy stuff and I'm not sure I would have wanted to lay it all on the line, even with hindsight.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Who are some people in your life who were clearly playing hard to get? Who were some that were just wasting your time?

Playing Hard to Get vs Wasting Your Time
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Most Helpful Guys

  • Wammu
    Point 1. She wasn't playing games, she just wasn't into you in that way and it sounds to me like you didn't escalate physically.

    Point 2. The moment she flaked on you? You need to admonish that bullshit. Female behavior is encouraged through positivity and discouraged through negativity. When you make plans and she cancels? If you just laugh it off and say it's okay? You're giving her permission to do it over and over again, and encouraging her.

    Point 3. Don't ever assume she "has it bad for you" unless you and her are violently making out in a corner somewhere and you can grind on her ass whenever you want when you two are alone. I don't think this woman was letting you know she was into you with her actions. I think that she sold you a story and spent time with you and you mistook that for her being into you. You seem like more of a backup plan in this case.

    Point 4. She sounds like she using you for comfort and attention while pursuing her goals.

    OP I have a question, did you have sex with ANY of these girls?
    Disagree 1 Person
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    • torken

      This is from a hindsight perspective, all 4 examples were difficult to pursue, 2 were doing that as a way to flirt with me, 2 were actually not interested. This was my reflection to think about signs I should have looked for. So, again, if someone was just playing hard to get, I'm inferring that we ended up together. So to your point 3... I'm not assuming anything ;)

    • Wammu


      *wags finger*

  • Wolframium
    Crazy thought: what if we would just be honest to each other? Not playing games or any stupid BS like that? What if we acted directly?
    I know… Insanity.
    Like 2 People
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    • torken

      It is a nice thought, but honestly I think some of the games are needed because there are so many shitty people out there. Playing hard to get also protects you from someone not that interested. If they give up easy then it wouldn't have lasted. At least, that is the thought. Its self defense too

    • Wolframium

      Well, I…just disagree.
      Playing hard to get is shitty behaviour. It only drives me away. Like not answering, etc. I don't deal with that well. Either you're responsible, or GTFO.
      I fail to see how this can be self defense. Again. Acting like adults, being honest would probably make world better place.

    • Tdieseler

      yea... that will happen with women.

      Those morons LIVE contradiction. they all say "men play games"... I've never in my life seen a guy play games... he just says what is on his mind. but women on the other hand... want a man to be a certain way, wear a certain outfit... go on a certain amount of dates... wait some time, hold her hand... kiss her cheek... blah fucking blah... but men play games lol... you mean the games THEY created.
      You want to irritate a woman... act like a woman... well... maybe not act... but think like one. whoo... you will join me on that most wanted list. a lotta women want my head... and not in a good way.

Most Helpful Girls

  • BeingAhuman
    Hard to get is an act that if you fake it is as stupid as you think it will guve you points or you will gain anything better that do what you really want instead.
    I hear some girls/women saying : “ he slept with me and then dumbed me”
    Wooooo wait , when it happened you slept wirh him too you enjoyed it as he and if it didn't end up in relationship is nobodirs fault. If you sleeo with a person thinking that this will give you avantaj and use intimacy to gain a him/her is sneaky and you’ll see it in front of you.
    Dating and trying to understand if this person fits you if you feel comfortable and you feel safe is fully right and it diesnt mean gard to get. Why to give up your feelings to make anybody feel more safe? No. If you feel wanting to know a person is your right.
    Your personlaity and character will be seen in any case , you dont need to act and fake to show anybody anything.
    Like 1 Person
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  • btbc92
    The problem is not these women. It's the type of women you're attracted to, somebody who is not on your level, and you not being upfront with them about their behavior.

    " Who are some people in your life who were clearly playing hard to get?" I wouldn't go after a person who wasn't my friend first, let alone have no genuine interest in me. Plain and simple.

    " Who were some that were just wasting your time?" Those who tried to date me and wasn't my friend first, let alone knowing that we have opposing values and beliefs.
    LikeDisagree 5 People
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What Girls & Guys Said

  • Logorithim
    Good Take. All of these types are annoying and should be avoided once you know exactly what they are.
    Like 2 People
  • Cynicaldreamer
    Great and very true take!

    I dealt with a guy that was a Dreamweaver- yeah, guys can play hard to get and waste a female's time too believe it or not!
    He claimed he was interested in me, so I was willing to give him a chance and get to know him better. But every time we were supposed to hang out or do something together, something would come up or he would go quiet and I'd have to contact him to see what happened.
    I mean call me crazy but if someone is interested in you, you would -think- they would want to spend as much time with you as possible to get to know you better.

    It just irks me how some people cannot just tell you how they feel about you or make their intentions known up front, instead of wasting my time I could be putting towards trying to find someone that does appreciate and want me.
    Like 1 Person
    • Tdieseler

      when you were younger... did You tell people how you felt?

    • @Tdieseler I'll be honest- nope. Which I really regret sometimes as I probably missed out on a few guys because of that. I was the shy, quiet girl that was afraid of being rejected or shot down if I told them that. Usually, I would tell my friends and have them play "matchmaker" for me- that did not work, lol.

      It wasn't until I got older, around my late 20s, did I start telling guys how I felt about them! Unfortunately, so far I've had no luck admitting my feelings to a guy... at all. They will claim they like me or are interested, but nothing happens after that or they rather not date me for whatever reason. Just recently I told a guy how I felt about him but he thought we should just be friends, lol.
      Nonetheless, it's better to tell them than not say anything and wonder what could have been

    • Tdieseler

      lol... sorry... its just nice to know that a female is having difficulty. and you said you missed out on a few guys... lol.. thats an understatement.
      Seems like you are living the male world... tell someone how you feel and they just completely disregard it.
      So why dont you do what males do... instead of telling them how you feel... just show em. instead of yapping... ask em out. they'll get the idea.

      I've always loved when i hear girls say "im afraid of being rejected"... cuz then it just makes me think..."do you think guys have some in-built rejection proof suit? it hurts just the same" You are afraid of being rejected but reject a ton of guys daily you hypocrite... lol... you girls... you always want a SURE THING... thats why guys like me exist... you would HATE me as a boyfriend. Not because of fidelity... but just because i will find every thought/fantasy you have... lol... and do the exact opposite. I don't know... it thrills me.

    • Show All
  • DestinyElizabeth04
    I like the way you worded this and overall it was a very good take. However, I know from a personal level that sometimes I make plabs thinking it is a good idea at the time but when it comes down to it, I really just dont want to see the person. Thats not playing hard to get. Thats simply being human and that person not being important enough for me to stop what I am doing to go hang out. Its horrible. I know this. But thats reality. The whole playing hard to get thing though, I dont think its all that realistic. Not in todays world. Nobody is hard to get if they want you. People are quick to snatch it up as soon as they can because we fear a wasted opportunity. If women want it, they go for it. It seems like these women simply werent all that in to you to begin with and thats not on you. Thats them. You didn't make the cut because of their standards, expectations and taste. And believe it or not, women do like a little bit of a chase. If you make yourself too available, you seem desperate. Thats not just men. Thats everyone.
  • JMghow
    Meh... I keep it simple: You are in 110%, or I IMMEDIATELY get rid of you as a potential #metoo risk and never look back. Seriously, permanent ban. I lack the time, patience and interest to deal with that nonsense, and I'm not looking for some dumbass mob outside my door.Playing Hard to Get vs Wasting Your Time
    LikeDisagree 4 People
  • i1T2daty
    Too much juvenile exasperating methodology. How about inviting a guy/girl who is trying to politely sit down with you. Talk, or more so listen, and you’ll hear within the 1st 15 minutes whether you are dealing with a narcissist, a Momma’s Boy, a slacker.

    The biggest clue is how much they are interested in you and what you like, do, are. If they listen more than talk then they are worth considering
    Like 1 Person
  • MissGee212
    Anyone who plays hard to get and wastes your time is clearly insecure. They don't know how to handle being themselves and fear rejection. I say, either you swing or step off the plate. Next!
    Like 2 People
  • Gedaria
    True, when you try to get to know someone and they are polite but not let you into friendship or dating there is a time to cut your losses. They say the fun is in the chase but when the person (male or female) don't want to be court , its time to stop …….
    Like 1 Person
  • chunlilovesvega
    I still flirt with men I'm not even attracted to... I mean, whoever it is, I will just treat him nicely and sweetly, it's weird. But when I'm truly attracted to a man I will just try to ignore him so he won't notice it lol. I'm such a loser :S
    Like 1 Person
    • psm357

      You are not the only one! Some of the girls that I dated before told me the same. It really confuses me at the beginning because I thought they were not interested, but with some patience, they will slowly open up (if I don't turn them off before that).

  • DevikaButts95
    Damn good take honestly, I rarely read these things with interest, and usually when I do they're just plain stupid or they have specifically one thing that was stupid.
    Like 1 Person
  • ronaldo75
    Y'all are playing a childish game with this shit because most college educated men and men above the 75% income percentile (basically successful men) are making it a point not to chase anymore. The modern really isn't playing the bullshit anymore with women.
    Like 1 Person
  • Toldol2
    Dont go for women who plays, go meet women who are busy with healthy activities who would be glad to meet their lover where they at. At self love :)
    Like 2 People
  • fashionguy17
    Good take. I'm just gonna say this - At my age of 28, if a woman is playing hard to get, I'm not going to talk to her any longer. I don't have time for it, and I can find someone who won't do that. That's all.
  • Reggieray
    Playing "hard to get" is a form of manipulation. Furthermore, with the advent of #metoo, a man's misinterpretation of playing hard to get could lead to stalking/ harassment charges.
    LikeDisagree 2 People
  • Pejtu
    Playing hard to get = hard to like , u waste other people time , u are maniupulative, basically no dude that has respect for himself will like you /date you
    Like 1 Person
  • Introvert94
    Nice take. I can't really tell the difference sometimes, but if I feel they are wasting my time or I can't tell if they are interested or not, I just move on. And I do it quick.
    Like 2 People
    • JMghow

      Best thing to do. Disinterested behavior leads to #metoo allegations, just look at Aziz Ansari...

  • wootamandawoot41
    dont waste people's time. its not cool kid. click clack im back
    Like 3 People
  • A_Bell
    I have girlfriends who do this. I think it is cruel and disrespectful.
    Like 1 Person
    That’s why playing hard to get is dumb. I e never done it intentionally thiigh I’ve been not ready to date when I really get very much liked someone, and they wanted to date so I’m sure I came across as playing... of course if they’d died I’d have explained.

    You can attract people’s pride but they still may not be interested and you won’t know untill the thrill of the chase is gone fir them. Also while playing hard to get you’re not being genuine so you can’t really even know if you like the person you’re trying to attract.

    Be upfront and don’t enter into dating with people who are not upfront with you- I e don’t tell you where they plan to be or if they want you there. Some relationships are transient and that’s ok just maje sure you enter into something close to what you want. Most relationships don’t work bjt if you’re going to try you should try.
    Like 1 Person
  • sjoes006
    Comment on point 1 game player- doesn’t sound like games. It sounds like she has a busy life and set 2 hours or so aside for your date.

    Personally I can’t just fuck off plans. I do try to let they guy know at the beginnig that I have a meeting at 7pm or whatever due to time zones.

    But we tend to pay attention to the people we like.

    I don’t work the hours that. I used to but I was online dating for a time and working crazy hours. So that meant at least two dates a week with diff dudes.

    Once I settled on a dude it was still hard. I do have to go home early because of an early flight and haven’t packed. Don’t want him staying over because I need sleep.

    I travel and have work days where I really can’t answer my phone because I’m with clients. Texts are no go usually if it’s a dinner.

    I also workout 3 times a week in class then run 6 days a week.

    Not playing hard to get. Between either kids/ carrer women can be stretched thin.
  • AlphaGhost
    The playing hard to get always works and I am even victim of it but She is a great woman and even worth trillions than the hell, She dragged me through?
    She played kind of very hard cuz I have inquisitive nature and love heavy prizes to be on top, She played with it and I am not saint either I did cut it short by more than half but Still in process I kind of find out.
    When we stopped manipulation game it was amazing and unlike 99% of girls outhere, She is 100% committed and give her best try. I mean She cooks amazing dinner and if some asshole friends of her try to ruin it for me. She simply replies He is my love and I will give him everything.

    Trust me man playing hard to get always works and in process you will start to respect the other soul too.
  • legalboxers
    relationships are a crap shoot. "Hard To Get" works up to 20. When you get past 20, you put on your grown up underwear and be adult. Games aren't for adults
  • ATuairiscean
    Good Take - I am terrible at reading this games - I just prefer the plain "Say it as it is" approach
  • HereIbe
    Hard to get means "bitch who is not worth my time". It's that simple. I don't have time to play stupid head games just to feed her childish ego trip.
  • art84
    Playing hard to get is for children. It really goes nowhere.
    Like 1 Person
  • OpenWine
    tbh relationships is like going backstage and throwing out the DJ to me. it won't happen
    Like 1 Person
  • Lance1965
    Playing hard to get IS wasting my time. That is when I give up and look for someone else.
    Like 1 Person
  • clampfan101
    I’ve always found playing hard to get a stupid method.
    Like 1 Person
  • Daniel3035
    Glad someone said it and educated the virgin males.
  • John75
    It s the first time i can't think anything. Really.
  • Butternuts
    A person that appears to play hard to get usually isn't interested.
  • BurgerKing99
    It's a real turn off for me. I don't like being tested, think they're wasting my time.
    Like 1 Person
  • littlepig2002
    Time wasters need not apply when it comes to dating me.
  • SwoleCook
    It’s simple. If she’s interested. She’ll show it. If she isn’t. Later.
    Disagree 2 People
  • dragonfruitA
    Only teenagers play hard to get.
    LikeDisagree 2 People
  • Purple_Babe14
    Thats true.
  • Benedek38
    Just here for those 6 points.
  • Ella_101
  • RedRobin
    Nice take
  • AlexandraDim
    Good take
  • EightKate
    Nice take
  • Ninjazzed
    Getting an ex?
  • murdanyc916
    both are games that i dont got time for
  • Massageman
    Interesting thoughts. Thanks.
  • Jaysonava
    The only difference between these things is sex
  • GreatnessBack
    Playing hard to get IS a waste of time.
    Like 1 Person
  • LegateLanius
    Playing hard to get is a waste of time.
    Like 1 Person
  • VixenRach
  • DzDzhhh
  • Golden-Thread
    I'm not interested in either.
  • Iron_Man
    Interesting indeed