Dating

Cell phones, social media, self-confidence, and losing your virginity!

Great movie!
Great movie!

I am writing this myTake in response to a poll posted by @CoachTanthony. He asked, "Why are there more VIRGIN men today then ever before?" As usual for the Coach, that is an excellent question.

As I started to draft a response (I don't always just dash off a quick response,) I realized that my thoughts are too long and detailed and they relate to something that is a pet peeve of mine: the over-reliance of younger people on digital technology. I know that many young people agree with my thoughts on that general subject; I don't want this to sound like an old codger ranting out of bitterness about a changing world.

Of course, I am writing this from a male perspective and I am assuming that most males initiate relationships. I know that is not universally true, but it is the most common scenario.

Relationships evolve through a graduated series of steps which, for the guy, all involve some element of taking a chance.

First step, then second step, then third step, etc. . . . and you get to the next level!
First step, then second step, then third step, etc. . . . and you get to the next level!

It is much easier to take a chance, and to proceed to the next step in a relationship, when you have self-confidence.

Here are the steps in the relationship:

1. Let a girl know that you are interested in her.
2. Spend time talking to her.

"Hi, I'm OlderAndWiser and I tell some really funny jokes!"

3. Ask her for a date.
4. Give her some casual touches on her on her arm, shoulder, back, or knee.

"Wow, she's not pushing my hand away!"

5. Hold her hand.
6. Give her a simple goodnight kiss.

. . . the magic moment . . .
. . . the magic moment . . .

7. Give her a more passionate kiss.
8. Let your hands start exploring and you are quickly fondling and groping.

In this moment, the rest of the world does not exist.
In this moment, the rest of the world does not exist.

9. Suggest sex. (Yes, I am leaving out the step about getting her written consent, and having it notarized and then recorded at the court house.)
10. Get naked and have sex.

"Wow, that was incredible!"

I understand that not everyone follows these steps in dating but I think it is a good representation of how most relationships proceed (unless there has been a significant change in human nature in the last 20-30 years.) You may quibble with the steps or their order but I think most people will agree that dating involves a progression of behaviors which all involve the possibility of rejection. At every step, there is a chance that a girl will say "no."

REJECTION! She doesn't want you! Rejection is sharper than the sharpest knife,

"Cuts like a knife," is a cliche, but how true!

and it cuts to the core. After the first rejection, how do you get the courage to try it again? You carry on by realizing that rejection didn't kill you, by friends telling you that the rejection was totally unrelated to anything about you, and by accepting the fact that every attraction isn't mutual but if you keep looking, eventually you will find a girl who wants you just like you want her.

To get to step 10, you need to first get through steps 1-9. Successfully completing step 1 gives a guy a confidence boost and makes it a bit easier to proceed to step 2. Successful completion of step 2 makes it easier for a guy to move in to step 3, etc.

I remember being a young man and wanting to develop a relationship with a girl. There was no texting back in my youth (shortly after the Spanish-American War) because it was a primitive time; there were no cell phones, no laptops, tablets, PC's, etc. and bread had just been invented. :)

The first step was to call her and talk on the phone.

In my youth, cell phones did not exist and we had phones like this hard wired in our homes
In my youth, cell phones did not exist and we had phones like this hard wired in our homes

I would sit and stare at the phone for maybe an hour, then I would start calling myself names to chide myself for my lack of courage, and finally I would force myself to impulsively pick up the phone and call the girl. It was painful!

After my first success, my next effort only required ten or fifteen minutes of staring at the phone before I made the call and, eventually, I just picked up the phone and called the girl. However you may perceive me now, I wasn't born with that confidence. I am much more confident now than I was in my teens and early twenties. I learned to be confident through my failures and my successes in relationships. I suffered the agony of forcing myself to do things that were uncomfortable for me, I paid my dues, and I became a stronger person.

The problem today is that guys rely on texting for these early steps and that is a coward's way out.

ALL socially awkward guys are not dweebs!
ALL socially awkward guys are not dweebs!

That sounds harsh but it is the truth. If a girl doesn't want to be involved with you, you can just text her and then you won't ever hear her say "You're not my type," or "I'm dating someone else," or "I'd love to but I've got to wash my hair Friday night," or "Please delete my phone number!"

No, if you text and she wants to reject you, she just doesn't respond to the text and you deal with the rejection in a slow and gentle manner as you gradually realize and accept that she isn't going to respond. Isn't going to respond . . . ever.

Because texting/DM involves less risk of feeling embarrassed, hurt, rejected, etc. it does very little to build your confidence and it doesn't develop the confidence that you need to proceed to the next steps. This means it is less likely - not impossible, but less likely - that you are going to make it to the stage of having sex but it also means that you are less confident in general and are probably suffering in other social skills that should be developing in the teen years. Obviously, this does not apply to all guys but I think it is a sufficient factor to explain many guys feeling very socially awkward and not developing (failure to launch socially.)

If this is how you spend most Friday and Saturday nights, you are suffering from failure to launch syndrome!
If this is how you spend most Friday and Saturday nights, you are suffering from failure to launch syndrome!

And this would also apply to girls who do not develop social self-confidence.

I understand that guys think they are supposed to do these things digitally rather than actually talking to a girl, but I think many girls would feel flattered that a guy would take the time to actually talk instead of text. (I think I'll post a poll on that subject.) Anyway, what you perceive as an expectation that you text turns into an excuse to not call and you rely on texting when this is far too important to entrust to texting. Think about how many misunderstandings arise during texting!

Well, that is my take on the subject. Technology is a great tool when used the right way but I think this is an example of technology leading us in the wrong direction.

Cell phones, social media, self-confidence, and losing your virginity!
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