Cell phones, social media, self-confidence, and losing your virginity!

OlderAndWiser u

Great movie!
Great movie!

I am writing this myTake in response to a poll posted by @CoachTanthony. He asked, "Why are there more VIRGIN men today then ever before?" As usual for the Coach, that is an excellent question.

As I started to draft a response (I don't always just dash off a quick response,) I realized that my thoughts are too long and detailed and they relate to something that is a pet peeve of mine: the over-reliance of younger people on digital technology. I know that many young people agree with my thoughts on that general subject; I don't want this to sound like an old codger ranting out of bitterness about a changing world.

Of course, I am writing this from a male perspective and I am assuming that most males initiate relationships. I know that is not universally true, but it is the most common scenario.

Relationships evolve through a graduated series of steps which, for the guy, all involve some element of taking a chance.

First step, then second step, then third step, etc. . . . and you get to the next level!
First step, then second step, then third step, etc. . . . and you get to the next level!

It is much easier to take a chance, and to proceed to the next step in a relationship, when you have self-confidence.

Here are the steps in the relationship:

1. Let a girl know that you are interested in her.
2. Spend time talking to her.

"Hi, I'm OlderAndWiser and I tell some really funny jokes!"

3. Ask her for a date.
4. Give her some casual touches on her on her arm, shoulder, back, or knee.

"Wow, she's not pushing my hand away!"

5. Hold her hand.
6. Give her a simple goodnight kiss.

. . . the magic moment . . .
. . . the magic moment . . .

7. Give her a more passionate kiss.
8. Let your hands start exploring and you are quickly fondling and groping.

In this moment, the rest of the world does not exist.
In this moment, the rest of the world does not exist.

9. Suggest sex. (Yes, I am leaving out the step about getting her written consent, and having it notarized and then recorded at the court house.)
10. Get naked and have sex.

"Wow, that was incredible!"

I understand that not everyone follows these steps in dating but I think it is a good representation of how most relationships proceed (unless there has been a significant change in human nature in the last 20-30 years.) You may quibble with the steps or their order but I think most people will agree that dating involves a progression of behaviors which all involve the possibility of rejection. At every step, there is a chance that a girl will say "no."

REJECTION! She doesn't want you! Rejection is sharper than the sharpest knife,

"Cuts like a knife," is a cliche, but how true!

and it cuts to the core. After the first rejection, how do you get the courage to try it again? You carry on by realizing that rejection didn't kill you, by friends telling you that the rejection was totally unrelated to anything about you, and by accepting the fact that every attraction isn't mutual but if you keep looking, eventually you will find a girl who wants you just like you want her.

To get to step 10, you need to first get through steps 1-9. Successfully completing step 1 gives a guy a confidence boost and makes it a bit easier to proceed to step 2. Successful completion of step 2 makes it easier for a guy to move in to step 3, etc.

I remember being a young man and wanting to develop a relationship with a girl. There was no texting back in my youth (shortly after the Spanish-American War) because it was a primitive time; there were no cell phones, no laptops, tablets, PC's, etc. and bread had just been invented. :)

The first step was to call her and talk on the phone.

In my youth, cell phones did not exist and we had phones like this hard wired in our homes
In my youth, cell phones did not exist and we had phones like this hard wired in our homes

I would sit and stare at the phone for maybe an hour, then I would start calling myself names to chide myself for my lack of courage, and finally I would force myself to impulsively pick up the phone and call the girl. It was painful!

After my first success, my next effort only required ten or fifteen minutes of staring at the phone before I made the call and, eventually, I just picked up the phone and called the girl. However you may perceive me now, I wasn't born with that confidence. I am much more confident now than I was in my teens and early twenties. I learned to be confident through my failures and my successes in relationships. I suffered the agony of forcing myself to do things that were uncomfortable for me, I paid my dues, and I became a stronger person.

The problem today is that guys rely on texting for these early steps and that is a coward's way out.

ALL socially awkward guys are not dweebs!
ALL socially awkward guys are not dweebs!

That sounds harsh but it is the truth. If a girl doesn't want to be involved with you, you can just text her and then you won't ever hear her say "You're not my type," or "I'm dating someone else," or "I'd love to but I've got to wash my hair Friday night," or "Please delete my phone number!"

No, if you text and she wants to reject you, she just doesn't respond to the text and you deal with the rejection in a slow and gentle manner as you gradually realize and accept that she isn't going to respond. Isn't going to respond . . . ever.

Because texting/DM involves less risk of feeling embarrassed, hurt, rejected, etc. it does very little to build your confidence and it doesn't develop the confidence that you need to proceed to the next steps. This means it is less likely - not impossible, but less likely - that you are going to make it to the stage of having sex but it also means that you are less confident in general and are probably suffering in other social skills that should be developing in the teen years. Obviously, this does not apply to all guys but I think it is a sufficient factor to explain many guys feeling very socially awkward and not developing (failure to launch socially.)

If this is how you spend most Friday and Saturday nights, you are suffering from failure to launch syndrome!
If this is how you spend most Friday and Saturday nights, you are suffering from failure to launch syndrome!

And this would also apply to girls who do not develop social self-confidence.

I understand that guys think they are supposed to do these things digitally rather than actually talking to a girl, but I think many girls would feel flattered that a guy would take the time to actually talk instead of text. (I think I'll post a poll on that subject.) Anyway, what you perceive as an expectation that you text turns into an excuse to not call and you rely on texting when this is far too important to entrust to texting. Think about how many misunderstandings arise during texting!

Well, that is my take on the subject. Technology is a great tool when used the right way but I think this is an example of technology leading us in the wrong direction.

Cell phones, social media, self-confidence, and losing your virginity!
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Most Helpful Guys

  • coachTanthony
    Good take! As I have always said... It's time to get off the couch and back in the game!

    I too remember the rotary dial phones and running to get home to check my machine for messages! Then came the pager, then the voice pager where you could leave a voice message on the pager, then my startac cell phone which cost 10 bucks a minute LOL

    Technology today is super awesome especially when you know what it was like back in the day. Most young people have no idea how good they have it. But I guess our grandparents could say the same thing about our answering machines.
    Like 3 People
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    • Champ78

      Is it really that much easier today? Maybe I’m just too naive and inexperienced but I feel like it’s harder to build a relationship because people (girls more than guys) can just find attention through different means like tinder rather than building an actual connection in person? I honestly don’t know anything for sure, I’ve only ever really been friends with a girl, nothing more.

    • @Champ78 Say you did know it for sure? Would that stop you from looking for a real connection or would you just give up?

    • Champ78

      Nah I don’t think I would give up, I know some girls just find me attractive but I haven’t found them and I think I’ve been too available for them. I don’t think I’ve presented them with a challenge. That and I overthink everything.

  • ManOnFire
    I actually much prefer talking in person or on the phone more than texting. I come from the 90s when we still did that, so it does matter to me. I like to see a chick up close or hear her voice.

    However, despite what you're saying - and it's good advice - you still have a lot of females who would rather text than talk because THEY don't have the courage to be more interactive with a guy. Once I find this out about a girl I usually lose interest.
    Like 3 People
    Is this still revelant?

Most Helpful Girls

  • ThatInsaneChick
    That was an excellent take! Thanks for sharing your input. I do also agree that current technologies may have hindered some individuals' social abilities and I'm assuming that, if that is in fact the pandemic at hand, they may continue to dwindle over time.
    Like 2 People
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  • StingRayxoxo
    This is a great take! With regards to the cell phone-- I wonder if I'd less "needy" with less availability of texting and talking. I like a lot of interaction and it worries me if I don't know what's going on and things like that.
    Like 2 People
    Is this still revelant?
    • Imagine living without cell phones! I think I was about 45 years old when I got my first cell phone.

    • Thank you for the MHO

Scroll Down to Read Other Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

  • Jean-Marie_Céline
    Wonderful myTake, I really enjoyed reading it.
    I think it's also important to underline how every experience can be different from person to person.
    Like 1 Person
  • PrincessGrail
    I agree with everything you said.
    LikeDisagree 2 People
  • purplepoppy
    I've noticed a lot of guys skip straight to step 3. We're far more likely to say yes if we get to know you a little first. You've also got a better chance of predicting the risk of rejection or knowing if it's not worth it eg we already have a boyfriend.
    Like 4 People
    • Yes, there is a reason why I have included steps 1 and 2. Why waste time trying to cultivate a relationship with someone who is no available, or who isn't that interesting once you start talking to her.

  • DizzyDesii
    I like all except “suggest sex”. He’ll know when im ready cause we’ll just go for it and no one will have to ask/suggest. Asking/suggesting before im ready will make me feel like he only wants one thing
    Like 2 People
    • 1. The point of the myTake is not "here are the steps to having sex with your girlfriend." The point is that relying on texting keeps guys from developing enough self-confidence to advance in their relationships.

      2. A guy can suggest that he wants to have sex without saying a word! When he's groping and fondling and then tries to put his hand in your panties, you know what he wants, right?

    • DizzyDesii

      Oh i thought u meant with words

    • Well, the feminists and the PC crowd would suggest that you need to have an explicit conversation and consent before you proceed, but that is unrealistic and those people aren't very romantic, are they?

    • Show All
  • BluesheepOwl
    I completely agree with everything. I hope guys will start approaching us women more. Though, your ideology about sex isn't true for me. I would never just have sex with a guy.
    Like 2 People
    • What I wrote about was the way it usually happens for young folks, not the way it usually happens for me. I don't have sex outside of a committed and monogamous relationship. And those same steps happen in such relationships it just takes longer to go from 1 to 10.

    • Those steps don't apply to me because I am waiting. So that's why I felt iffy about those steps

  • lightbulb27
    love step 9! definitely need that one... haha
    you outlined a great process where you held the phone... overcame the stress of that, and took the risk. probably took some pain, but grew. that's huge.

    sometimes I think would be easier to be a bird. Look and smell bird... smells ok! feel connection (no words), build nest, mate with bird... this human thing seems complex with all the other communication! No wonder so many virgins, we aren't using our nose enough! haha!!! think about that:)!!!
    Like 1 Person
  • CubsterShura
    One of the most important things though, is confidence. Men really lack in there.
    Like 3 People
    • AJC997

      Why do you think they lack?

    • @AJC997 because they really do.

    • AJC997


      Why are you generalizing all men?

    • Show All
  • ImagineSketchy
    I'm certain had I been born during your generation, had I not been killed for the color of my skin, I would have 72% less human interaction. It is a good and well thought out take though.
    I'm certain if I didn't have the resources I had now, I would still have be a virgin. It isn't like it matters to me though. I actually don't enjoy sex, just think it's interesting to think about how much different my life would be without certain resources in my life.
    Like 1 Person
  • GuidoThePizzaMaker
    Wow, absolutely excellent.
    This is great advice, particularly the texting vs calling.
    Also the steps of dating, which are simple, but many guys complicate because they lack that confidence.

    I think its also important to remember, Women just want to feel good. They want to feel special, and they want a man to take control.
    Its pretty easy to figure out. But always harder in practice. Thanks for the advice.
    Like 1 Person
  • hellacray
    I'm pretty sure the sjw movements have a lot to do with it.

    When you see stories of women falsely accusing guys for all kinds of stuff, they didn't do. Might make you think twice before making a move.
    Like 1 Person
  • Pejtu
    All that "needy" , "desperate" and other stuff u say about its not true for most of the time
    Yes sometimes its true but mostly its not
    Why the fuck would i wait 1 day to text agirl back when i wanna get to know her i want her to be my girlfriend i wanna go on a date with her i wanna fuck her
    WHY the fuck u would wait one day to text back because most social media stuff and other shit said that its being needy or desperate
    that is fkn dumb and made up

    Its the same with the girls , why would u stop texting this dude u find hot in your eyes and u imagine milion things a day being together with him , and u suddenly stop texting - WHAT THE FUCK are you doing , he will start thinking u dont give a fuck and he will move on to another girl he will match up with !!!
    dont do that its stupid !
    Like 1 Person
    • I have no idea what you are responding to, but I never suggested that you should stop communicating with someone you like. Your English seems to be fairly good but maybe you have misunderstood what I wrote.

    • Pejtu

      I saw one comment and clicked wrong
      wanted to replay to that

    • Okay!

  • Champ78
    Every girl I’ve tried to get serious with I’ve either met through work school or friends and every time I’ve failed. My dating life has awful and I’ve never had fun. I’ve been on two ends of the spectrum. I’ve either haven’t done anything about liking her because I feel like I need to be perfect and do literally everything for her and I DONT want to do that or I end up going out of comfort zone to just talk to her anyway only to be rejected. There’s one thing I’ve been and one thing I’ve never done, I’ve been too available for her and I’ve never had fun because I’ve felt like it doesn’t matter what I want. I’m tired of this and want to know how to change things.
    Like 1 Person
    • 1. "I feel like I need to be perfect. . ." Screw that. No girl out there is perfect. Guys who have dated a fair amount have an expression: "for every good looking girl walking down the street, there is a guy somewhere who is tired of putting up with her shit! No girl is perfect and no guy they date is perfect. Everyone has their weaknesses and faults. The problem is you compare your perception of yourself (and you know every single one of your flaws!) to your perception of other guys (and you don't know jack about them except what they look like) and you lose that comparison every time! Of course, you just don't know those guys well enough to understand that he is a drug addict, or he is lazy, or a mama's boy, or he is totally self-centered, or he thinks he is God's gift to women, or whatever. You are your own worst critic.

      2. ". . . and do literally everything for her. . ." That won't impress any girls or make them love you. It won't even make them like you. Some girls will take advantage of a guy who does that, but they will never respect such a guy.

      3. " I end up going out of comfort zone to just talk to her anyway only to be rejected." Guys who have these complaints typically have zero self-confidence and that is what gets them rejected.

    • Champ78

      I’m confident in who I am, what I want to be and what I want to do in life, my dating life is the only thing I’m not so sure about because I’ve only ever come up short. Now a lot of has to do with me being immature for the first 17 years of my life. But after hearing some girls I know talk about guys and what I’ve seen, it’s that a lot of girls want a guy who is experienced, knows what he’s doing, and is nearly perfect at talking. I’m not any of those but I know that all I can do is just give it my best shot and if I get shot down then well there’s nothing I can do but reflect on it. I feel like it’s expected of me to do everything because I’ve never had a girl like me before and that’s probably because of my biggest weakness. Communication. I have no problem with being friendly with girls but anything more is not what I am good at.

  • bossplaya
    Because you ladies are finally starting to see the world as a cold hard ugly place to live and every man you meet will cheat and beat you
    Like 1 Person
  • Unit1
    Well to be fair online dating had to start somehow and what better way is there for online dating as a communication than sending texts and voicemails? Brainwave communication and telepathy do not exist yet.

    What i like about online dating is that you're not limited to humans you'd be able to meet only in person. I don't think most enjoy or let alone even want cold approaches on the street, on the bus stops, at the supermarkets, post offices...
    I like that texting replaced SMS. Those are paid messages, that are accessible to the authorities in a matter of seconds.

    I can relate when you said it took you an hour to ask a woman out, then the time shortened to 15 minutes and so on. I feel like I've been there before 😆
    Like 1 Person
    • Unit1

      In regards to coach his question: I believe the theory 80/20 holds true in conjunction with hypergamy.

      Most women (80%) find only 20% at maximum of all men attractive whereas men find on average half of all women in some way attractive.

      To top it all off the standards, that women tend to have are unrealistically high and the rewards for achieving these standards are questionable to say the least.
      So that's where we resort to porn and video games and basically do what we want to do.

      Women have a wider choice in dating than we have. They tend to choose who to date while we tend to either accept what we can have (sometimes it's nothing and nobody at all) or do our thing.

      Women get approached much more often than men.

      And this is how we have kissless 25 year old virgins.

  • apple24
    Simple, most guys and girls are ugly or average. People want have sex and fall in love with the above average.
    • So average people don't have relationships or get married?

    • apple24

      I am not saying that but they have to realized that they can’t shoot for the stars. You have to settle. But when your young and stupid you think you can get anyone that’s a 10 when clearly people are major average boring

    • apple24

      So later in life you realise to set your exceptions low or if your a older hot women to look for ehoever

    • Show All
  • DiegoO
    Very spot on. :)

    I think today's technology is a double edged sword. When you rely to much on it you lose a lot.

    Social medias can make things easier in specific aspects of our life, in others it's a failure, since it can't and will not replicate experiences that becomes intimates to us, like having a face to face date, hug, kiss, etc. All of those are experience will not have the same intensity if they are done online, I mean, the same feeling would be there, just not on the same level of experience and intensity.

    I also think that if you are not emotionally capable to talk, call, or do a video call to someone you see as a potential partner, since you are "shy", it would be for the best if you work on yourself first, before entering a relationship or attempting to be in one.
    Like 1 Person
  • CoffeeWC
    I totally agree with you. I can say that also applies to me.
    Like 1 Person
  • Nachowedgie
    While I agree with most of this, this is only one reason of many for why there's more virgin men today
    • I agree, absolutely. It is one contributing factor.

  • Konabeana
    This is really helpful, thanks
    Like 1 Person
  • Miss_Savanna_Dry
    Great take :)
    Like 1 Person
  • Wowgirl30q
    Very nice sir
    Like 1 Person
  • JulieRoze7
    Mhmm this is pretty explanatory and on point.👌
    Like 1 Person
  • Secretgardenblood
    Good take
    Like 1 Person
  • lazermazer
    Excellent take.
    Like 1 Person
  • fcuk4169
    Because they are all watching porn tube videos.
    Like 2 People
  • Shellyworld
    Good message there
  • Anonymous
    I wish I could lose my virginity.
    LikeDisagree 2 People
  • Anonymous
    is there evidence, proof, there are more male virgins today than ever before?
    Like 1 Person
    • At best, it would be only anecdotal evidence. How would you gather reliable evidence on that subject? All you can do is ask people and why would you assume that they will all be honest in their responses?

  • Anonymous
    What a terrible association when "losing your virginity" is juxtaposed with the other three.
    Like 1 Person
  • Anonymous
    Here is a slightly different take on why some guys are remaining virgins. It's a choice...

    The article was published 27th May 2018.


    ''... there is a new generation of men who are uninterested in romance and relationships. Whether technology is distracting them, or it’s the result of work or life pressure, women are feeling left out''

    ''the bad news is that an increasing number of them are uninterested in dating or getting married, and some have gone as far as to ditch romantic relationships for good.''

    ''... Leading the charge is an infamous cohort of homebound men known as “otaku”. A Japanese term for men who are socially awkward and have limited family and romantic lives, these “geeks” tend to be diehard anime and manga fans who have little interest in dating.''

    This article focuses on Hong Kong.

    ''Studies in Japan estimate that this class of men, normally in their 20s and 30s, account for around 60 per cent to 70 per cent of the male population.''

    The question is, how many men like this exist in other countries...
    • Yes, I don't think that texting is the sole cause of men being immature and socially awkward. Obsession with video gaming certainly contributes to failure to launch.

    • Anonymous

      Video games have always been around in some form or other. I remember the old Arcade fighting games, amusement parks, consoles, and portables.

      Gaming is as old as ever, and I expect obsession with video gaming has been around for ages too. That never seemed to stop men from going out there getting with women, marrying and the rest.

    • When I was a young man, video games were in their infancy. Pong and Space Invaders were new. But we did have pinball machines.

      Games have always been around and, for most guys, it is a passing phase. However, video game obsession is much more prevalent now than it was 30-40 years ago.

  • Anonymous
    Cell phones are just dumbing people down and making them less social
    Like 1 Person
  • Anonymous
    It's really sad the relationships are reduced to those steps you wrote about these days. In more civilised times many people actually waited until marriage instead of obsessing about sex every minute.
    LikeDisagree 3 People
    • Yes, but kids today would still have the same problem of being afraid to ask a girl for a date. The idea is so scary that they don't even want to call it a date; they call it "hanging out." They won't admit they're dating until they have two children together.

    • Anonymous

      That's true for some people. Others (I have noticed this is true for many young women) constantly talk about their boyfriends and mention them in almost every other sentence.

    • Anonymous

      But yes, your post is about men not women.

  • Anonymous
    For step 1, do you mean just a general interest in them or a romantic interest?
    Like 1 Person
    • I think it is important for a woman to understand from the beginning that my interest is romantic and not platonic. If she is not interested, for whatever reason - already got a boyfriend, not attracted, already has a girlfriend, whatever - I want to know so I am not wasting my time. And I don't want to end up in the friend zone.

    • Anonymous

      Alright, so should I just mention "you're cute" or "I'd like to date you" or something like that a bit into our first conversation?

    • You don't need to be very explicit. Just compliment her appearance, tell her she is a fun person, tell her she is attractive. . . something that you probably would not say if you only wanted to be her friend.

    • Show All