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This MyTake was inspired by a question recently posted by @AnnaTumbles:
What first date tips do you wish everyone knew?
First, why is a 67 year-old dude giving advice about dating? Because I have been dating, or in relationships, for 50 years
and I have been on HUNDREDS of first dates. And - believe it or not - romance has NOT changed drastically over the past hundred years or more. Here's the basic script: A girl and a guy acknowledge some interest in each other but they recognize that they don't know each other very well. The idea of dating is exciting, assuming that there aren't any obvious deal breakers. So, they agree to a first date with the hope that spending some time together will lead to even more desire to spend time together and they will soon schedule a second date. Isn't that the gist of it? And it really doesn't matter that you have an iPhone 13 in your pocket and you drove to the date in a 2023 Lexus. Boy meets girl still works the same as it did in 1972.
In this MyTake, I am assuming that the first date is a meeting of two people who both are dating in hopes of finding a partner for a long term relationship. The first date I'll be discussing is about the hope for romance and not just "hooking up."
1. Asking for the first date. I have a bias against having meaningful conversations via texting. I realize that it is an easy way to avoid the potential embarrassment of having a first date request rejected, but that rejection won't kill a guy and experiencing those rejections is how you develop confidence. Get rejected enough times and the fear of rejection loses its power over you. Then you are free to be yourself!
Also, everybody who ever gave advice on this subject agreed on this one thing: the most important thing you can have in a relationship is clear, consistent, and candid communications. Texting is so easily misunderstood or misinterpreted!
Ask for a first date during a phone call and you are establishing a precedent for how you will communicate if a relationship develops.
However, I also understand that people under the age of 35 are FIRMLY ensconced in the idea of conducting relatonships via texting. It drives me nuts!
2. Deciding WHERE to go. The answer to this question depends on so many factors, such as your age, budget, interest, your degree of self-confidence, the time of day and time of year. At my age, if I had a first date with a lady, I would suggest dinner at a nice restaurant on the perimeter of a busy shopping district.
Dinner allows me to engage in extended conversation with a lady, and that is what I want on a first date. I have enough confidence in my conversational skills that I am not worried about awkward silent moments. And going to a nice restaurant shows her that I respect her enough to try to make this a nice, pleasant occasion.
I also know that she will feel safe and secure meeting me in a public location (most of my first dates are a result of online meetings and the first date is our first occasion meeting face-to-face, so most women will still have a few concerns about safety at this point since they don't really know me. The parking area around the restaurant is well lit and almost always busy with cars coming and going. A moonlight stroll on the beach for a first date may sound romantic, but if a woman has any concerns about safety, it is a horrible idea to suggest.
Your budget may be more modest. Meeting a date at a food court will give you an opportunity to spend time talking, you will be surrounded by people (she will feel safe,) and you can have a meal on a budget. You can also stroll in the mall corridor after dinner. If you feel a bit awkward with the opposite sex, a movie may be a good first date; the first two hours of the date, you are seated together but not expected to talk and, afterwards, you can talk about the movie.
3. Deciding WHEN to go. For me, a first date is almost always exciting and I want to have time to enjoy the event without concerns about staying out too late/work the next morning, so I always choose Friday or Saturday night . . . and meeting on Friday or Saturday evening just makes it FEEL more like a date. If there is any possible confusion about whether you are meeting "as friends" or as a date, suggesting Friday or Saturday night sends the signal that this is DATE night!
If you are meeting someone who you have never previously met, a daytime date always feels safer. Most of the craziness in the world happens after the sun goes down, and meeting someone for coffee at 11 am on Saturday morning is the least threatening thing in the world.
When you are picking a day for the date, remember that sooner is almost always better than later. This Friday - three days from now - is usually better than Friday 10 days from now. There is less possibility of things happening that lead to a canceled date.
4. Getting ready for a date. Some people approach first dates with an extremely casual attitude; they don't want to give the impression to their prospective partner that this date is a "big deal." I don't play those games. Every first date is potentially the most important first date of my life, because I could be meeting the woman who will eventually become my lifetime partner. I know I'm not going to look over-eager or desperate, because I'm not . . . but she WILL know that I put some effort into making myself look as presentable as possible.
In my age range, it is quite normal for a guy to wear a suit and tie to a first date and that is what I usually do. For younger people, that might look a bit odd unless you come from a very conservative and very traditional background. At the least, you should be showered, shaved, hair washed and appropriately styled, and you should be wearing clothes that present you at your best. You may love those jeans that have so many holes they are about to fall apart but don't wear those to a first date; you will not get a second chance to make a good first impression.
5. Preparing for the first five minutes. In my experience, once you get past the first five minutes, any anxiety or jitters will be subsiding and things will get easier.
Have your first sentence planned. "Oh my, you look so lovely tonight! You look just as pretty as your profile photos!" With that sentence, you have acknowledged that you know she made an effort to look good, you appreciate her effort, and there is no suspicion that perhaps you are not attracted now that you are seeing her up close. Or, if you feel like being a bit more flirtatious, "If that's how you dress to impress a guy, it's certainly working tonight!" Ladies, you can say something like, "So handsome . . . and you look more mature than your profile photos" if your date is fairly young, or "Its always flattering when a guy makes an effort to look his best for a first date!"
In the first five to ten minutes, the conversation should flow back and forth. Have two or three questions to ask to prompt her/him to talk about herself/himself without getting too personal. They should be questions that don't require a ten minute monologue but need more than a "yes" or "no" response. "Has your family been in this area or a long time?" "What is your goal for what's going to happen after you graduate?"
Guys, it's also helpful to ask about her favorite types of food and other things that she likes to do for fun. This will help you to develop ideas for the second date, if there is going to be a second date.
6. Where to sit. I choose a restaurant that has booth seating. After she is seated, I ask if I may sit beside her rather than across from her. The main reason is that conversation is easier if we are seated closer together. But I also know that sitting side-by-side creates more of a feeling of intimacy. And if I sense that she is receptive, later in the date, I will reach down and hold her hand. Yes, I know that some people actually have sex on a first date, so holding hands may sound quite insignificant. However, if you are looking for a real relationship, holding hands on a first date DOES mean something!
7. Cell phones. If you pull your cell phone out to check for missed calls or messages, you will lose major points with most guys/girls. If you start engaging in a text conversation with someone else, don't be surprised if your partner gets up and says they are going to the restroom but instead immediately heads for the parking lot. This is a time that you promised to devote to your date and getting on your cell phone breaks that promise. And, of course, ear buds or any other digital distractions are also a huge no-no!
8. Be on your best behavior. I assume that how a woman acts on a first date represents her best behavior, when she is making a maximum effort to create a favorable impression. Maybe she will ALWAYS be on her best behavior but things may change a bit if we start dating and she gets comfortable with me. However, I am quite certain that after six months of dating, she will not be conducting herself BETTER than she did on our first date.
If you are a person who uses "colorful" or coarse language, try to rein that in for at least one night. If your first date conversation is filled with criticisms of others and stories explaining how everything bad has always been someone else's fault, I'll probably walk you to your car and then explain that I think we aren't a good match.
9. How long should the first date be? If I meet a woman for dinner at 8:00 pm, dinner will probably be concluded by 9:00-9:15 pm. I HATE to end an evening that early, especially if I am enjoying the company of my date and I sense that she also is having a good time. The restaurant that I usually select for a first date has a lounge and I might suggest that we move into the lounge for an after-dinner drink. But 2-2½ hours is long enough for a first date. End it while it is going well so that in ends on a high note and there is a positive expectation for getting together for the second date.
10. Ending the date. I try to be a Southern gentleman at all times, so I will walk a woman to her car at the end of a first date.
If the date did not go as well as I hoped and I do not plan on seeing her again, I will tell her that I enjoyed the evening but don't think we are a "good match." That expression gets away from the idea that there is something wrong with her and instead just conveys the message that we are not right for each other. I have done that numerous times and never had a woman react badly.
If the date went well, I will try to stand close enough that I can put my arm around her waist (not her butt!) I tell her that I had a wonderful evening and that I hope I'll be seeing her again soon. But I don't ask for a second date then; that might make her feel "on the spot" or pressured and I don't want her to say "yes" if her real answer is "no." I then stare into her eyes and I usually know whether she is receptive to me giving her a goodnight kiss. If she is, I lean in and put my lips on hers. If she isn't comfortable with this, she will turn to the side so I kiss her cheek or she will try to pull back quickly . . . and of course I allow her to do that. But if she isn't pulling away, the kiss may become more passionate. And when the kiss ends, I might whisper in her ear, "You are SO attractive!"
Then I back away because I don't want to have a makeout session in the parking lot. She gets in her car and I watch her drive away. I wait long enough for her to arrive back at her home, then I text, "Hope you are home safely. It was a great first date! I'll talk to you soon." (And I text on this occasion because I don't want her to think I am trying to reinitiate any protracted conversation.)
And that is what I do to try to have a good first date that leads to a good second date . . . if that's what I want.
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