Should, and how do I bring up the 'relationship' talk?

[Anonymous]

I've been seeing and sleeping with this guy for about 8 months, and it's been great. However, we haven't had a talk about being in a relationship or anything yet. We were casual friends before we started sleeping together, and I feel like that's what he keeps thinking of us as. But I'm having some issues with him treating me as just a friend; not talking everyday, not making it a priority to see me as often as I'd like, etc. Because we've been sleeping together for so long, do you guys think it's okay to talk to him about being exclusive and in a relationship? Am I moving too fast? Thanks!

[klee___x]

Well how does he treat you? you say you don't text every day or see each other enough but do you go out and do things together or is it solely just sex? If he doesn't call you to go out on dates then he probably isn't on the same page as you and I wouldn't say anything about wanting more. Instead I would stop sleeping with him because clearly there's feelings there and go look for something who will actually commit to you. Sometimes by cutting of sex from a guy and I guess not really giving them the attention they once were getting from you they will do whatever they can to get that back and that could potentially be your opportunity to hint at an exclusive relationship. This can take time though. However if he is okay with you two not sleeping together then I would do what I originally said and find someone who will.

If you do go on dates and you are getting a 'vibe' that he may have feelings for you too then I would go for it and be very straight forward about how you approach it because just saying little things here and there or hinting at the idea can be confusing just say;
"We've been sleeping together for some time now and Im interested in where you think this is going? Im really enjoying what we have going but I don't want to waste my time if you don't see a relationship happening in the future. I kind of want to make our 'relationship' exclusive."

[Asker]

Thanks girl! I think I'm just confused because he does take me out every time we see each other, always pays for everything, takes me to cool concerts and the movies, cooks me dinner at his house a lot, and even introduced me to his parents! But he didn't say I was his girlfriend or anything, so maybe this is just a sex thing. He seems totally fine not responding to my texts for days and not seeing me very often. I will definitely talk to him, thanks for the advice!

[heavenonearth]

Yes, if you want more, you should bring it up. 8 months is a long time to not have that conversation, so I'm a little skeptical he's on the same page about this since he hasn't brought it up, but give it a shot.

Ask how he feels about being exclusive/in a relationship. Something like "Hey, I've really enjoyed these past months, and I was wondering where you see things going and if you're interested in a relationship. Maybe we can talk about it."

Also, tell him he doesn't need to give you an answer right away, but ask him to think about it and you guys can revisit it in a couple days. That takes some of the pressure off. It can be hard to give a good answer to a question like this on the spot.

[Asker]

Thank you!

[goldielocks2]

had one of these. really hard to get over these bastards isn't it. I fell for the guy, but eventually had to cut ties because he was hooking up with other girls and lying about it to me the bastard. Argh... plus the sex wasn't even that great, he had a big dick that hurt me and lasted about 40 seconds. Never made an effort to make me cum unless I mentioned specifically that I wanted to come. Anyway, sex was shit, he was shit, it's better to break up if you'r catching feelings.

[goldielocks2]

that was a bit harsh, lol. Sorry, this topic is really personal to me. haha Usually if you're hooking up and he's not mentioning a relationships, it probably won't ever happen. It's hard to change the dynamics of what you have. Do you get on with him without having sex? Like do you see yourself spending a day together and having fun without touching each other? I didn't see it with the guy I was with.

[Asker]

I feel ya girl, I think I have the same thing going on with me. I'm not sure if we are that good of friends outside the bedroom, which is probably a good enough reason to not pursue a relationship with him :(

[goldielocks2]

yeah, plenty of men around who do want relationships. take it from someone who's been there, done that, it's not worth it if he's not into it. ask him and if he doesn't want it leave him and don't look back. too much value in youth to waste your time on someone you aren't compatible with. Love isn't supposed to make you suffer. This isn't it, it's lust and ego mostly. Let it go

[HandsomeRaj]

1. Best idea is to start talking especially with a friend before having sex with him'/her
2. But however, since neither of you have done that it is assumed that it is an friends with benefits situation at least by one of you (in this case probably him)
3. it is natural and normal for at least one of you to develop feelings. Nothing to do with the girl developing it all the while, there are guys that develop feelings as well
4. However, in this situation it makes sense to talk it over a cup of coffee. Not after sex or a drink
5. There isn't anything about too fast or slow here. What's got to be done has got to be done
6. However, you best be ready just in case things go south
7. Also that if he does say a yes at this point in time owing to however he thinks, chances are good that he may not continue with the relationship longer. You got to be ready for that as well. Idea is if he wanted it that way he'd probably have made you feel that way as well. You state tha the treats you like a friend - this is a point that provokes my thought here.

[Tdieseler]

Simple... you dont. You already have a good thing going... ugh.. why do some women just have the urge to just ruin things. Whether he knows it or not... you guys ARE already in a relationship. its called friends with benefits... and its the best. Now you want to move it to the dating relationship so them crappy rules and expectations can begin to apply... ok then fine... i will hand you the detonator.
Next time you guys go at it, right after, just ask if you guys are exclusive... dont make it some "talk" just a simple yes or no question... hard to lie then.
I still recommend just keeping it as is... because your current mentality is going to make you lose something good and possibly a friend with it... just watch.

[Asker]

I definitely get that. And I think friends with benefits was what I was looking for at the beginning. But I'm not sure I want to keep being so intimate with someone who's sleeping with other girls, and I'm just an option for Wednesday or something. I don't want to ruin our friendship, but I also don't want to waste my time because I think I do want a relationship and family type deal one day. I just want to bring it up without freaking him out. lol.

[Tdieseler]

well... if he is sleeping with other girls... you can simply lay it out as an option without having to make it a relationship type deal. just tell him that he should stop sleeping with other girls and it should only be you, and if he asks why (which should be obvious) tell him you don't want to catch anything, protection or not. if he tries to counter, simply tell him you'll walk, that should end that. he might need some time to consider... i hope you are good in bed lol, it all kind of rides on that.

[EllieLexis513]

That is probably the most asinine thing I've read on this site in a long time. She's going to ruina good thing? For who? Him? She clearly isn't happy with how things are so how is it a good thing for her? If you want a relationship with him, tell him. You don't have to be all 'independent woman' about it, but just ask him. Personally, I think ask the next time you see him. But you have to prepare yourself for his answer and have a plan for if he says yes or if he says no.

[Tdieseler]

@EllieLexis513 and the difference between what you said and what i said is?
lemme guess, it came from a guy?

[Asker]

@EllieLexis513 Thanks girl! You're so right.

[EllieLexis513]

Oh, I'm sorry, please point out where I said she would ruin everything? Oh, wait, I didn't, so no, that's not the only difference. Nice attempt at being sarcastic though.

[Tdieseler]

@EllieLexis513 Hey, its her relationship. I've already given my two cents... so unless you have a penis tucked in there somewhere, your mindset is basically the same as hers. Im only explaining his side and thought process. but hey... all i can do is give my opinion. the choice is hers in the end.
i just think if i have a problem involving a girl, why would i go to a guy for advice?

[EllieLexis513]

... that has nothing to do with you asking what was the difference between what I said and what you said. My being a girl actually has nothing to do with my response but moreso my experience as a teacher because so many of my high school students, both male and female, are in relationships like this and have asked me about they should get what they want from it. Truthfully, most of them end up in a break up because that's not what the other person ever wanted, but my kids were better off knowing the truth than continuing in a relationship, and I use the word loosely, that made them unhappy. So if you based your opinion mainly on the fact that your a bo, then it probably isn't going to be that helpful anyways.

[Tdieseler]

@EllieLexis513 its not based off of gender only, there are experiences in there as well as logic. I don't blame her for being jumpy...8 months is a long time to not be sure where you stand in a relationship, so what she is thinking/attempting to do makes sense. I just said don't because I've been in that guy's position a few times before and had the girl act this same way after a while and I know exactly how i reacted/answered. Needless to say... they all got hurt and heartbroken in the end.

[EllieLexis513]

So... what, because you reacted that way, that means she'll ruin what she has going? Does it matter if she's not happy as it is? That's how people end up miserable, take what you can get, don't express yourself.

[Tdieseler]

@EllieLexis513 I see the point you are getting at, rather than reaching higher, some people just settle. but let me ask you this though, its been 8 months... if he wanted this to go any further, don't you think he would have said/done something by then?
or do you think he forgot and it didn't cross his mind? he obviously doesn't want to.
sigh, its gonna be Icarus all over again.

[Floppy]

He's taking you for granted he is not thinking of that as being bad. After all you a casual friends before you started this so-called relationship. Right now is treating you as friends with benefits. You are the one who is moving along. As I said he is not treating you bad on purpose. You need to talk to him

[SarahsSummer]

Lol! Too fast? No. Tell him over the last 8 months your feelings for him have really grown. "Youre the only guy I want and I hope you feel the same about me" or blame it on your friends. "My friends all want to know what is our relationship" see what happens from there.

[EllieLexis513]

IF you want a relationship, then yes, bring it up, because if you don't tell him where you are heading, you're going to crash and it's going to be ugly. You should be able to look for what you want. 8 months is not moving too fast at all. And if he just wants you for a booty call and that's not what you want, then you need to tell him. Who cares if it upsets him?

[Fritz81]

Does he treat you like friends with benefits or like he is dating you? Does he take you out on dates? How often do you talk? Does he text you first? It is hard to gauge based on this info if he is treating you like he even wants to date you, or maybe you guys already pretty much are. If he is acting like you guys are dating then he probably will be exclusive but otherwise it might not go well.

[shadowlegend]

Tell him you want an exlcusive realtionship and explain how your expectations will change if that happens. Give him the chance to talk about it with you. Don't keep going how it is if it's no longer what you want to settle for.

[lumos]

You've been sleeping for 8 months and he doesn't prioritize you. It's pretty clear he just sees you as a fuckbuddy, whereas you have feelings for him. He probably won't commit.

[Michonne551]

It's reasonable, doesn't seem very soon to me. However, be prepared for it to ruin your current arrangement if he does not reciprocate your desire for a relationship.

[Jujulius]

8months is more than enough time if he wants something more he should know by now. The real question is are you willing to lose the friends with benefits and just be friends trying to find out if he wants more or not?

[RoyalBlueOceans]

He's not going to date you... he's been having sex with you for 8 months and hasn't even considered a relationship

[zagor]

What do you want? I think you need to figure that out before you ask him anything.

[Arabellaxx]

Maybe you guys should exclusively not date if he's pressured

[Anno_Domini]

I don't think that it's too fast when you're 8 months into it.

Do you do things outside of the bedroom?

[Asker]

We do, he takes me out every time we see each other, pays for everything, cooks me dinner and everything. I'm just confused because he's also totally fine not seeing me for a couple of weeks if that ends up happening. gahhh lol.

[goldielocks2]

I think he's the type of guy who likes casual sex, but likes to make it feel like a relationship. the girlfriend experience without the commitment. Asshole, gah, these type of men make me so angry. They'll selfishly make you fall in love because you actually believe they're a good person because they don't make it feel like a hook up. IT'S JUST A HOOKUP.

[apple24]

Nah you should ask but i doubt he the relationship type.

[Anonymous]

Stop sleeping with him and see if he cares about you enough to talk and go on dates

[Scarfharper]

I think you should. Try to have anot honest talk about what you both want and take it from there. ..