Should I feel hurt that my boyfriend didn't invite me to his Grandfather's funeral?

Question

We've only been together 3 months and 2 weeks ago his grandfather died from a long illness. I know they were very close. I'm supporting him as best I can, but he's been extremely withdrawn and stressed. I asked him if he wanted me there at the funeral and he said no, as it would be disrespectful to his family. I feel selfish for saying it, but I feel hurt at the harshness of these words. I wasn't expecting to go, but offered anyway to support him. Now I feel like I've made a mistake for even mentioning it, but I just thought it was the decent thing to do.

Part of me also feels hurt he didn't want to include me from the get-go. I know his family - we've been on a holiday together. I also know that his brother's girlfriend is also going to it, and she lives on the other side of the country!

How do I tell him that I feel this way?

sjoes006 · Accepted Answer

Well firstly you were right to show support butnacceptnisnanswer and don't take it personally.

This isn't about you and he's allowed to be distant for a while.

I had a boyfriend I had only dated for months let me in when his papa died because I had been introduced and part
of taking care him. But also most importantly, I lost my Dad when I was young so I wasn't such an outsider to what they needed in terms of privacy. No hovering or trying to make it better.

If you can't just sit there like wallpaper waiting to be asked for a favor then you don't belong there.

It's so so so complex. As a cousin and god child I've had to excuse myself when I know the mood isn't right for certain discussions.

Burying my own grandmother grandkids were de facto banned from the house so the kids (not even their spouses) could reflect and have a last night to themselves.

The best I can say is this isn't about you. If you try to make it about you, you lose. But
more
Importantly I'm sorry but grow up. Wait until life kicks you one in the stomach taking someone you love. There's nothing like it.

You'd rather stab yourself in the thigh than feel the pain of losing this person. The world stops. And for the rest of your
Life occasionally that same feeling comes back.

Not often but sometimes. It isn't about you so please grow up move on.

linduskainen · Accepted Answer

Hey, just take it easy. You've been together for not so long, so just give your boyfriend a bit of space. Everyone's dealing with death differently, and it might be that he didn't want to take you there because you haven't been together that long. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that he is ashamed to show you to his whole family, but I think he just wants to spend this occasion with his close relatives.

When my grandfather passed away, I didn't take my ex there (we were together back then), because we had been together only for 1 month.

So if I were you, I would just maybe say that you would have wanted to be there with him, but you understand that he doesn't want you to go there. Also, remember to mention to him that you'll be there for him no matter what.

XRabbitHeartX · Accepted Answer

He probably feels like he will be very emotional and would rather not let someone close see him in that state. Everyone grieves differently. Some people want to be alone and others not. I think you shouldn't take it personally at all. I know easier said than done but I think he really just wants to be alone on that say and can let it all out without a SO there to witness it. He may also feel like he wants to process it solo. Let him have it and just be supportive and understanding.

Psychlopic · Accepted Answer

I'm pretty much always in favor of being honest with your partner, but I think you should be very careful how you proceed with this.

Seeing as you've only been together 3 months, I don't think it was rude of him to not bring you. I can absolutely see how he might be afraid that his family would find this a bit disrespectful, or that he would find it a bit disrespectful to bring someone he's not known for that long to the funeral of someone he's been closer to his whole life. In the end, that is up to him and how ready he feels.

I think you should talk it over with him, so that both he and you can explain more in detail your thought processes, and how you feel, but absolutely avoid blaming him, or otherwise being mad at him for not bringing you to the funeral. Keep it civil.

I can kinda get why you feel this way, but ultimately I don't really think he is in the wrong here, nor do I think that this is any indication that he doesn't trust you or appreciate you.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I get that you want to be there for him, but it's not personal and you've only been together a short amount of time. Look at it from his point of view (put yourself in his place). His family obviously would have an issue with this. They'd see it as not a "loving girlfriend coming to support" but something else, like how disrespectful to bring "outsiders" to a family funeral. Plus, everyone grieves differently, maybe he's not comfortable yet you seeing him vulnerable like that? Now, you offering was the decent thing to do and you were great to offer, just don't take it so personally that he doesn't want you there. It's not a "personal attack" on you, it's just a personal family event that is for family only.

AviatorTom · Answer

Tell him how you feel. It's important to share your emotions in a relationship.

A similar thing happened to me many years ago. I had been dating this girl for over a year. Her family had met me. During one date, she told me that her granny had died a month ago and that made her sad. I was disappointed that she hadn't told me sooner, I would have been there to support her, give her a shoulder to cry on. She was surprised when I told her that. We dated for another few months before breaking up.

Alli39 · Answer

Not really. I'm going to guess that the brother's girlfriend has been in a relationship with the family for longer. Your relationship is pretty young, even if the family has been welcoming, so your boyfriend probably just felt weird or unprepared about bringing you into that aspect of his family life. Don't worry too much about it. People process grief differently and he may just not be at that stage with you emotionally. Let it take its course and just be supportive of him and his loss. Show him that you're someone that he can rely on if he choses to, but that doesn't need to be needed in order to be emotionally satisfied.

TruthBringer · Answer

If you already know his family, even went with them on a holiday (although that's way too soon a 3 month relationship), then I don't see why you shouldn't have been included at the funeral.

UNLESS... the family has something against you and you're unaware of. OR they are keeping the funeral strictly within the family.

Other than that, if you've already met his family, I don't see why you shouldn't be allowed to play your role as a supportive significant other. At least from his family's side.

Something tells me he doesn't want you to see him cry, but I may be wrong about that. Whatever it is, you probably already know the answer by now given this question has been asked over a year ago.

Anonymous · Answer

I understand you're hurt but you haven't been dating a long time. If it was a yr and he said this then yeah thats weird but its three months. He does not need the added stress of something... (this is gonna sound mean but its true)... as petty as a girlfriend of three moments demanding validation after losing a loved one so close to him. It is disrespectful to the family, thats exactly why I wouldn't bring you either if I was him. You're outside of the family, you're new, they need to grieve around people they are familiar with and comfortable with. It's sweet that you are supporting him as best as you can and that you offered to be with him but I wouldn't push it further.

zappzoe · Answer

death of a close one is always a sensitive thing. ask. don't take for granted. I'm sure he's also being considerate of you. it can be very hard to go to another persons funeral if you had no connection with that person. as in never / or rarely talked to him

KadBitty · Answer

Out of respect for the family who have just lost somebody, if they feel more cokfo grieving with just people they know quite well (3 months isn't knowing well) then you should accept that. It's a funeral, it isn't like it's a wedding or something. They're upset. Let them grieve as a family. I'm assuming the brother has also been with his girlfriend longer than 3 months.

ArrowheadSW · Answer

We all grieve in different ways. He sounds a bit private and wanted to keep it with his immediate family. Similar thing happened to me after I was dating a lady a year and a half. A good friend and coworker died of cancer and I needed a lot of private time to deal with it. Unfortunately my girlfriend at the time mis-interpreted it and made it sound like it was about her. (Not that you'd do THAT.)

SarahsSummer · Answer

Offering to go is the respectful thing to do. Accepting his response is the supportive thing to do. I'm not sure how it could be viewed as disrespectful to attend (unless there is more you aren't sharing) and might question that but "supportive" in this situation means following his wishes and putting your own needs aside.

MagganM · Answer

If you are not able or capable to understand how hurt he is at the moment, then you are perhaps not mature enough, or are too selfish, to be dating. You haven't been together for a long time, and he needs some privacy in his grief. I see nothing at all wrong with his actions, only yours.

meatballs21 · Answer

It's only been three and a half months, so it was entirely up to him if he wanted to invite you.

You said yourself you didn't expect to go anyway, and that he's having trouble coping, so what's the problem?

You really should not tell him you're somehow offended by this - it's the last thing he needs and he is unlikely to respond well to that sort of thing right now.

danadanadana · Answer

First of all, it's not about you. For a three month relationship, you shouldn't take it personally. But if you insist on bringing it up, allow some time to pass, so AFTER the funeral and let him know that it bothered you. Let him grieve first though.

alexandremp · Answer

3 months is nothing. and if u realy wanna suport him, why are u being a kid about this? if u wanna support him, u will have a plenty of oportunities, instead of bitching about that.

rachel776 · Answer

no everyone responds differently in those situations and then you've got him worrying about you being with his family on a difficult day after just a short time together

AdamKar · Answer

ehm he's so depressed it probably didn't even occur to him. come on be a little understanding

tasushi · Answer

Funerals are not a real show off your girlfriend kind of thing. He probably did not want you to see him red eyed puffy faced and with a drippy nose.

SleepyDon · Answer

just tell him as is... yea grandpa died but I'm sure grandpa would tell him stop bitchin. a pretty selfish choice by the boyfriend in my opinion.

zagor · Answer

No, it's a family thing. If you didn't know him, no point in going to his funeral. And men prefer to grieve alone.

Blueeyes81 · Answer

You don't tell him. Everyone deals with death differently. You're looking for ways to take this personally when you said yourself you weren't planning on going. Let the man grieve in his own way.

Anonymous · Answer

You are being selfish , I hate when girls do this, start thinking about how he just lost his grandfather and try make him happy rather than making this about yourself. Get over yourself and focus on him.

Willbaz · Answer

to be honest better to tell him but not straight after the funeral you have to wait a little..
coz if he feel you close to him he should invite you or what is the reason so best way is you have to ask him and find out the reason..
best wishes

Should I feel hurt that my boyfriend didn't invite me to his Grandfather's funeral?

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