What are your thoughts on the "dating to marry" mindset?

[ClosetHoe]

Do you think it's dumb? Is it smart? Do you agree? Do you disagree?

[MrNameless]

Personally, I don't care about the idea of marriage. I do want a long term partnership for sure, but I'm getting tired of marriage being pushed at me because its just what people do and it somehow magically gives couples an extra cushion of commitment before they give up, when divorce rates are 50% in developing countries. Also the idea of planning engagement parties, marriage ceremony and after parties and shelling out 40 grand is ridiculous and stressful

Going back to the idea of marriage. if I am in a long term relationship and my female partner wants to get married, I'll do it for her sake mostly. But the idea of getting married doesn't appeal to me really, especially with its religious roots.

But it sucks that there are actual legal benefits to getting married in the states, and married people are seen as a higher status than single people.

[soleil2666]

I think your question relates to mine posted just now How come women don't understand that being a maximizer (vs being a satisficer) hurts their happiness levels? ↗

The dating to marry vs just dating is a matter of trying to exclude people who are busy trying the maximum number of outfits to see which one suits best. Those are the maximizers. And since they are difficult people, and prone to depression, by excluding them, you do (I believe) increase your chances of finding the 'one'.

Also, the fact you are clear about wanting to marry removes any social stigmas - I don't know of any system of values where marrying and intending to start a family carries negative connotations (whereas dating for fun - which is either to feed the ego or to have sex) is both glorified and stigmatised (by the opposing influences out there)

[BlackRoseFairy]

In your age it might seem far fetched and you might feel like it puts a pressure on you, but in general that's the idea.
I mean what's the ultimate goal of dating? Finding someone to be together with for the rest of your life. Have family with, grow old with, etc...

Some people just get into this idea earlier than others. So if you met someone and he told you that he's dating with the mindset to marry it most probably means he's serious and not looking to fool around.

It might not work out, sure, but at least you need to try before judging

[Cherokeehp]

It’s a bit intense. Like the concept in itself is kind of a dilemma. Date to marry means that you date someone with the intention of one day marrying them. But you can’t figure out if you want to marry them until you date them. You could date a person, realize they aren’t what you want, and then leave the relationship. I just date cause if it feels good. If a person makes me happy, then I’ll just stick with them until they no longer bring me any happiness. If we happen to end up getting married, then that’s great.

[MrNameless]

"then I’ll just stick with them until they no longer bring me any happiness."

How much effort would you put effort into working a relationship? happiness is a hot potato you can't possess and must be shared

[aWes0MeNeSs]

I think it's a good idea. Forever (even if not married) would be my goal if I reentered the dating world as well. I don't want to date around just to date around. I would be looking for what would hopefully turn into a lifelong relationship. I know it doesn't always work out that way and that's fine, but that would be my goal.

[SpacedCharr]

Why would I waste my time with anyone I didn't want to spend more time with?

[SydneySentinel]

I have only dated for the purpose of seeking a long term/marriage.

[Desconhecida]

I agree with it. The relationship needs to go somewhere

[ElissaDido]

The only type of dating that I believe in.

[egarcia1360]

I think it's a good guiding principle, the idea being that you shouldn't indefinitely date someone whom you don't see fitting into your future. However, that doesn't mean you have to decide to marry someone before dating them; the whole point is that you can't do that because dating is to establish compatibility, trust, intimacy, etc. Basically, just because a doesn't last 'til death do you part doesn't mean it's a failure, because you can still learn something from it about yourself and your preferences in a partner, although I do believe the overarching purpose of dating is to find someone with whom to spend the rest of your life if all goes well.

[MissDawn7961]

why date unless you want to marry too? if your dating just for sex then that will where off fast ! your parents dated , married and then had you ! if you date just to have sex and do not marry then you will come home and start getting lonely all over again ! dating and marriage usually is done so that the single person does not get lonely and for companionship ! even if you can get a pet to keep you from getting lonely and for companionship you can not have children unless you date your opposite sex partner ! Thanks

[MrNameless]

Marriage is mostly something that stems from religion, and the world is less religious than ever. That's one reason why couples don't want to marry. Go against the status quo, because they don't see a reason to

But there are other reasons why people wouldn't want to marry, yet still have the intention of staying for the long term

-financial and stress reasons including ceremony
-already married but divorced. Don't want to go through that again
-never married but don't want to risk a "divorce." Divorce is a absolute pain in the ass to go through, especially if kids are involved. Men especially are screwed, because they have to give up half of what they own, and in most cases they don't get custody rights of kids. One reason why Mens Rights Advocates were created
-Just don't see the significance of marriage due to irreligious reasons and don't think they "need" to get married because everyone else has been doing it without question, and don't think it means they will be magically more committed to the relationship then they were before (divorce rates 50% in developing countries, go figure)

[eviegurl]

Personally it's up to you entirely my self I am not of the Christian faith or any other faith that has its bonds in matrimony and I thing it Rong to encroach on thier traditions if your not of faith but that's a whole different opinion and on this go for it I don't think it's any different then another mindset cuz dosnt everyone aim for forever I think it's pretty well the same no one goes into a relationship with a two month limit in mind so like isn't every relationship kinda dating to marry not like you want to stop being loved after a year or something this is kinda a silly question

[The6ix]

Don't we date in order to see if that person is boyfriend/girlfriend material? From there, I'm the idea should be to get married to that person you are with. If marriage isn't in the future then why bother being with that person? You are restricting that person you are with what they truly desire one day. If two people are dating and they both don't care about marriage then that is their life.

[DiamondQueenOfAce]

I’ve always had that mindset. I never had flings and always chose my partners when thinking about whether they could be husband material or not. Upside is that I didn’t waste time on fuckboys. Downside is that you don’t easily find someone who suits that title of husband.

[ClayDude]

People all have own reason to date. You can date for sex. Date for a travel partner. Date for money. And yes date for marriage. There is no right reason. I dated for marriage, but had many relationships and some sex before I found the right person. It just took time to find the right person, but I still enjoyed being with a few women.

[Screenwriter]

If that's your goal, I think it behooves the person who has that mindset to let the dating partner know that's their goal. If the other person is simply dating for a temporary partner, not marriage, they might be shocked. Or the other party may not want marriage at all. E Harmony's site is what that's about.

[Jamie05rhs]

@Screenwriter At what point should you tell her that that's your goal? Because some women don't know what they want yet, so that might make them uneasy; right?

[Screenwriter]

@Jamie05rhs I'd wait until say, a third date, just to see if you're even compatible enough. A first or second date won't tell you much. Then I think you might bring up that you're seeking a serious relationship. If she isn't, I think she would politely bow out.

[razelove]

I think it's putting expectations on something that can and should be fun, or at least funny and making it a nervous ordeal. Dating is tough enough. Going into every dating experience thinking yes, I will date you only to marry you, or only date you if I think I'm going to. Whether it's the man or woman who has that menality, that is so fucked for you and your partner.

That's like saying only have kids for harvard.

[Alpha09]

Depends on if you want marriage to begin with. I don't think dating should be taken lightly but I also think if you take it to seriously with whoever comes along, and start dating to soon after meeting them that's where it can go wrong. If I date I want a real shot with that person, I don't want a fling that's what casual partners are for. The dating to marry mindset might work for some but at the moment it's not for me.

[Browncutie21]

It depends on what stage you are in life I would say. There were times in high school and college when I didn't agree with this concept, I mean we are young and we should be figuring ourselves out and what we want. I think it's a good time to learn how to be in a relationship and what you want in terms of a partner. Now at my age (24) i totally agree and I am dating to marry because I am looking to settle down soon.

[anon1903]

Marriages solidify relationships at best. Forming a family is primary goal for socialization imao.

Come to think of that mindset, depends on how long you date and the intensity of feelings. If both stds as well as other factors like eco status and finances are roughly equal, I think marriage is a good idea.

[scooogy]

@anon1903 would you say that people who don't plan on marriage didn't have any relationship really lasting for long?

[anon1903]

@scooogy yep, perhaps.

[scooogy]

@anon1903 what would you say if it was mostly her quitting because she seemed disappointed by every boyfriend?

[Jamie05rhs]

If STDs are roughly equal? Okay lol. I guess that makes sense. I guess you won't give them something they don't already have, then.

[ariadneR]

I may be old fashioned but it's a good idea. You date them, you find out if you're compatible for the long haul. You find out their quirks. You see if you can handle them. If you can navigate through lifes hardships, and their joys. If you can and you know you can spend the rest of your life with them, then go for it, marry them.
If not, then that's when you say goodbye.

[btbc92]

That's what dating should be. Not to fool around. Or else you end up with baggage.

[Carbon-12]

To me, marriage is a safety net for when you get in argument. It's a reminder that you love eachother. If I find someone I truly love I want to be with them forever, marriage is the way to do that.

I don't see any point in dating someone you wouldn't want to spend your life with. At that point you are just using them to temporarily make you happy, and keeping them from finding somone who does love them.

[Jamie05rhs]

Marriage isn't just a safety net. It's not an insurance policy. Marriage is the ultimate fulfilment of love. The marriage itself is a journey and an adventure that you take together side by side with your life partner. It's an eternal union. Like peanut butter and jelly. It's two people and two lives morphed into one. It's a synchronization of the spirits.

[Carbon-12]

@Jamie05rhs
I wholeheartedly agree.

[Jamie05rhs]

@Carbon-12 Glad to hear that!

[menina]

I wouldn't say is dumb nor smart, I would just say that is not realistic. The relationship might come to an end, the person you're dating might not want to get marry. Or they might not want to marry you.
You might get disappointed.

[Jamie05rhs]

Of course. There is disappointment in everything. There is risk in everything? Would you never try something if there was a chance that you might fail?

[menina]

@Jamie05rhs I know what you mean and I agree with you. I probably wouldn't try because I sense when things will go wrong.