What are your thoughts on the "dating to marry" mindset?

[ClosetHoe]

Do you think it's dumb? Is it smart? Do you agree? Do you disagree?

[MrNameless]

Personally, I don't care about the idea of marriage. I do want a long term partnership for sure, but I'm getting tired of marriage being pushed at me because its just what people do and it somehow magically gives couples an extra cushion of commitment before they give up, when divorce rates are 50% in developing countries. Also the idea of planning engagement parties, marriage ceremony and after parties and shelling out 40 grand is ridiculous and stressful

Going back to the idea of marriage. if I am in a long term relationship and my female partner wants to get married, I'll do it for her sake mostly. But the idea of getting married doesn't appeal to me really, especially with its religious roots.

But it sucks that there are actual legal benefits to getting married in the states, and married people are seen as a higher status than single people.

[soleil2666]

I think your question relates to mine posted just now How come women don't understand that being a maximizer (vs being a satisficer) hurts their happiness levels? ↗

The dating to marry vs just dating is a matter of trying to exclude people who are busy trying the maximum number of outfits to see which one suits best. Those are the maximizers. And since they are difficult people, and prone to depression, by excluding them, you do (I believe) increase your chances of finding the 'one'.

Also, the fact you are clear about wanting to marry removes any social stigmas - I don't know of any system of values where marrying and intending to start a family carries negative connotations (whereas dating for fun - which is either to feed the ego or to have sex) is both glorified and stigmatised (by the opposing influences out there)

[BlackRoseFairy]

In your age it might seem far fetched and you might feel like it puts a pressure on you, but in general that's the idea.
I mean what's the ultimate goal of dating? Finding someone to be together with for the rest of your life. Have family with, grow old with, etc...

Some people just get into this idea earlier than others. So if you met someone and he told you that he's dating with the mindset to marry it most probably means he's serious and not looking to fool around.

It might not work out, sure, but at least you need to try before judging

[Cherokeehp]

It’s a bit intense. Like the concept in itself is kind of a dilemma. Date to marry means that you date someone with the intention of one day marrying them. But you can’t figure out if you want to marry them until you date them. You could date a person, realize they aren’t what you want, and then leave the relationship. I just date cause if it feels good. If a person makes me happy, then I’ll just stick with them until they no longer bring me any happiness. If we happen to end up getting married, then that’s great.

[MrNameless]

"then I’ll just stick with them until they no longer bring me any happiness."

How much effort would you put effort into working a relationship? happiness is a hot potato you can't possess and must be shared

[aWes0MeNeSs]

I think it's a good idea. Forever (even if not married) would be my goal if I reentered the dating world as well. I don't want to date around just to date around. I would be looking for what would hopefully turn into a lifelong relationship. I know it doesn't always work out that way and that's fine, but that would be my goal.

[SpacedCharr]

Why would I waste my time with anyone I didn't want to spend more time with?

[SydneySentinel]

I have only dated for the purpose of seeking a long term/marriage.

[Desconhecida]

I agree with it. The relationship needs to go somewhere

[ElissaDido]

The only type of dating that I believe in.

[egarcia1360]

I think it's a good guiding principle, the idea being that you shouldn't indefinitely date someone whom you don't see fitting into your future. However, that doesn't mean you have to decide to marry someone before dating them; the whole point is that you can't do that because dating is to establish compatibility, trust, intimacy, etc. Basically, just because a doesn't last 'til death do you part doesn't mean it's a failure, because you can still learn something from it about yourself and your preferences in a partner, although I do believe the overarching purpose of dating is to find someone with whom to spend the rest of your life if all goes well.

[MissDawn7961]

why date unless you want to marry too? if your dating just for sex then that will where off fast ! your parents dated , married and then had you ! if you date just to have sex and do not marry then you will come home and start getting lonely all over again ! dating and marriage usually is done so that the single person does not get lonely and for companionship ! even if you can get a pet to keep you from getting lonely and for companionship you can not have children unless you date your opposite sex partner ! Thanks

[MrNameless]

Marriage is mostly something that stems from religion, and the world is less religious than ever. That's one reason why couples don't want to marry. Go against the status quo, because they don't see a reason to

But there are other reasons why people wouldn't want to marry, yet still have the intention of staying for the long term

-financial and stress reasons including ceremony
-already married but divorced. Don't want to go through that again
-never married but don't want to risk a "divorce." Divorce is a absolute pain in the ass to go through, especially if kids are involved. Men especially are screwed, because they have to give up half of what they own, and in most cases they don't get custody rights of kids. One reason why Mens Rights Advocates were created
-Just don't see the significance of marriage due to irreligious reasons and don't think they "need" to get married because everyone else has been doing it without question, and don't think it means they will be magically more committed to the relationship then they were before (divorce rates 50% in developing countries, go figure)

[eviegurl]

Personally it's up to you entirely my self I am not of the Christian faith or any other faith that has its bonds in matrimony and I thing it Rong to encroach on thier traditions if your not of faith but that's a whole different opinion and on this go for it I don't think it's any different then another mindset cuz dosnt everyone aim for forever I think it's pretty well the same no one goes into a relationship with a two month limit in mind so like isn't every relationship kinda dating to marry not like you want to stop being loved after a year or something this is kinda a silly question

[The6ix]

Don't we date in order to see if that person is boyfriend/girlfriend material? From there, I'm the idea should be to get married to that person you are with. If marriage isn't in the future then why bother being with that person? You are restricting that person you are with what they truly desire one day. If two people are dating and they both don't care about marriage then that is their life.

[DiamondQueenOfAce]

I’ve always had that mindset. I never had flings and always chose my partners when thinking about whether they could be husband material or not. Upside is that I didn’t waste time on fuckboys. Downside is that you don’t easily find someone who suits that title of husband.

[ClayDude]

People all have own reason to date. You can date for sex. Date for a travel partner. Date for money. And yes date for marriage. There is no right reason. I dated for marriage, but had many relationships and some sex before I found the right person. It just took time to find the right person, but I still enjoyed being with a few women.

[Screenwriter]

If that's your goal, I think it behooves the person who has that mindset to let the dating partner know that's their goal. If the other person is simply dating for a temporary partner, not marriage, they might be shocked. Or the other party may not want marriage at all. E Harmony's site is what that's about.

[Jamie05rhs]

@Screenwriter At what point should you tell her that that's your goal? Because some women don't know what they want yet, so that might make them uneasy; right?

[Screenwriter]

@Jamie05rhs I'd wait until say, a third date, just to see if you're even compatible enough. A first or second date won't tell you much. Then I think you might bring up that you're seeking a serious relationship. If she isn't, I think she would politely bow out.

[razelove]

I think it's putting expectations on something that can and should be fun, or at least funny and making it a nervous ordeal. Dating is tough enough. Going into every dating experience thinking yes, I will date you only to marry you, or only date you if I think I'm going to. Whether it's the man or woman who has that menality, that is so fucked for you and your partner.

That's like saying only have kids for harvard.

[Alpha09]

Depends on if you want marriage to begin with. I don't think dating should be taken lightly but I also think if you take it to seriously with whoever comes along, and start dating to soon after meeting them that's where it can go wrong. If I date I want a real shot with that person, I don't want a fling that's what casual partners are for. The dating to marry mindset might work for some but at the moment it's not for me.

[Browncutie21]

It depends on what stage you are in life I would say. There were times in high school and college when I didn't agree with this concept, I mean we are young and we should be figuring ourselves out and what we want. I think it's a good time to learn how to be in a relationship and what you want in terms of a partner. Now at my age (24) i totally agree and I am dating to marry because I am looking to settle down soon.

[fonduegirl]

Marriages solidify relationships at best. Forming a family is primary goal for socialization imao.

Come to think of that mindset, depends on how long you date and the intensity of feelings. If both stds as well as other factors like eco status and finances are roughly equal, I think marriage is a good idea.

[scooogy]

@anon1903 would you say that people who don't plan on marriage didn't have any relationship really lasting for long?

[fonduegirl]

@scooogy yep, perhaps.

[scooogy]

@anon1903 what would you say if it was mostly her quitting because she seemed disappointed by every boyfriend?

[Jamie05rhs]

If STDs are roughly equal? Okay lol. I guess that makes sense. I guess you won't give them something they don't already have, then.

[ariadneR]

I may be old fashioned but it's a good idea. You date them, you find out if you're compatible for the long haul. You find out their quirks. You see if you can handle them. If you can navigate through lifes hardships, and their joys. If you can and you know you can spend the rest of your life with them, then go for it, marry them.
If not, then that's when you say goodbye.

[btbc92]

That's what dating should be. Not to fool around. Or else you end up with baggage.

[Carbon-12]

To me, marriage is a safety net for when you get in argument. It's a reminder that you love eachother. If I find someone I truly love I want to be with them forever, marriage is the way to do that.

I don't see any point in dating someone you wouldn't want to spend your life with. At that point you are just using them to temporarily make you happy, and keeping them from finding somone who does love them.

[Jamie05rhs]

Marriage isn't just a safety net. It's not an insurance policy. Marriage is the ultimate fulfilment of love. The marriage itself is a journey and an adventure that you take together side by side with your life partner. It's an eternal union. Like peanut butter and jelly. It's two people and two lives morphed into one. It's a synchronization of the spirits.

[Carbon-12]

@Jamie05rhs
I wholeheartedly agree.

[Jamie05rhs]

@Carbon-12 Glad to hear that!

[menina]

I wouldn't say is dumb nor smart, I would just say that is not realistic. The relationship might come to an end, the person you're dating might not want to get marry. Or they might not want to marry you.
You might get disappointed.

[Jamie05rhs]

Of course. There is disappointment in everything. There is risk in everything? Would you never try something if there was a chance that you might fail?

[menina]

@Jamie05rhs I know what you mean and I agree with you. I probably wouldn't try because I sense when things will go wrong.

[Dongtai]

Isn’t the point of dating a precursor in deciding if you want to commit to that person in a relationship? My understanding was that relationships did the same thing but it was to see if they’d want to be married.

[WalterRadio]

At a certain point, that should be the point for most women.

[ClosetHoe]

Why not guys?

[WalterRadio]

It is not exclusive.

[BCA6010]

That's really the only point in doing it to begin with.

[vintagegirl90]

I personally think it’s okay why would anyone make such an effort to date someone for a long time it’s silly without maybe thinking longer term like marriage

[Taylor_C]

Really, really dumb. If you ultimately want to get married, it will diminish your chances unless you're totally desperate and prepared to marry anyone willing to do so. Better keep an open mind and see where it leads.

[R_ūshī]

I have no opinions on that because people do what they want to do. It's none of my business🤷‍♀️

Personally, I'm more of a 'dating because I'm interested. We'll see what happens as we go' kind of person.

[Phoenix98]

That's the whole point of dating is to find someone to settle down with.

Dating just to just defeats the whole purpose of it and wastes everyone's time.

[Iwillneverunderstand]

I guess it depends on the person (s)
It keeps the options to a bare minimum and it sets the bar for who you allow in and the things you won't accept.

[personwew]

I think it's more important to date to have fun and find companionship. If that companionship is something both me and my partner know we would want for a lifetime, that's when I think it's reasonable to start bringing marriage into the picture.

[Dargil]

I think it is the central purpose for dating. For a life partner.

[admles]

It puts me off, to be honest.

Let's just meet, get to know each other first, start a relationship, then see how things go.

[ClosetHoe]

That's what dating to marry is. Date first and then if you want to spend the rest of your life with them marry them.

[SnowPrincess13]

I think this is called courting and this is what my husband and I did. Marriage was our end goal and I don't see the point if dating if it's not.

[elite665]

That’s what I was taught growing up so I live by it if I can’t see myself marrying the girl then why would I want to hurt her down the line?

[FreyaRed]

With emphasis on "dating to marry" you won't conjure good men.

[MissDawn7961]

not true but then you would not know a good man unless he slapped some sense in to you first

[FreyaRed]

did you learn it on the hard way or have you been born with this enlightenment?

[DanielStark]

Cause the men you date dump you if you don't put out for them? lol, sounds like you have great taste.

[Shamalien]

one does not 'conjure' a good man XD

If you are dating to marry, you'll scare all the time wasters away and be left with people who are a little more mature, learn it now kiddo, the world is how it is, not how you want it to be

[FreyaRed]

LOL... guy who wants in your panties will never promise things you want to hear just because you are dating to marry.

[Shamalien]

if you are willing to fk a guy bfore marriage then you aren't serious about dating to marry. This is the exact reason girls in the past would hold out for marriage, to see if the guy is serious or not. Modern women have forgotten this wisdom.

[DanielStark]

I date to find out about the girl, if after enough time I like what I find then I start thinking about marriage.

[bamesjond0069]

Its the only way to get married in my opinion. If you date for fun and have sex first I'd never respect that woman or desire her for something long term especially marriage.

[Jamie05rhs]

Why else would you date? Isn't that the point of dating?

[OddBeMe]

Seems similar to “driving just to get a good parking spot”. Marriage happens if both people want it. It’s not an objective or destination. Honestly nowadays it’s more of a tax benefit than a rite of passage in life.

[collegestudent96]

I agree with it,
I don’t want to waste anyones time. I don’t think there is a point of dating just to date.

[Anonymous]

I do that which is why I never keep seeing a guy if he tells me about his possible future plans and they don't match mine. I don't see the point in dating someone for fun, what's fun about that? I prefer to be alone then, I don't like people anyways.

[jss123]

I used to have it. No more. I went through an awful marriage (she was emotionallyaand verbally abusive and cheated for an entire year of the 3 years we were together) and then a long, nasty divorce. Took over 3 years.

[Alexandrubaschet08]

that why you date and try to have a girlfriend is logical

[DiscomfortZone]

My thoughts are if you can't see a long term future with someone - why the fuck waste time on dating them?

[Daniel3035]

Pretty smart I mean you form a relationship that is like marriage bit isn’t like marriage how much closer can you get to trying to see if they’re right.

[ItsTheNephilim]

The only con is that it can lead to disappointments.

[Anonymous]

It is the only reason why people should date. If you are not dating to marry, than you are just degrading the other person to a throwaway plastic object with which you will have fun and then if you no longer like them you will throw them away.

[Jessicocoa]

Fine. I don't know if I'll specifically marry but I do only date someone if I see long term potential in them.

[lovedejj_xo]

It’s good. Unless you aren’t interested in marriage at least date and settle with that person is the model.

[Swimmerdude2013]

I'm 25 and I'm not even thinking about that now tbh.

[LonewolfMeme]

I don't even want to think about it now... its too hard

[Swimmerdude2013]

I feel the same way tbh.

[LonewolfMeme]

@Swimmerdude2013 yea...

[Danny_dan92]

I love it. as long as it progresses smoothly and the right way. nice username by the way it's classy

[BCRanger10]

If marriage is not your intent, then why bother?

[Anonymous]

It’s stupid and desperate and it can lead to suffering because of high expectations and it’s unrealistic

[Anonymous]

Well dating and marriage are kind of two different things. Dating is more about love and romanticism and Marriage is more about life partnership.

[kitty71]

So why date if it won't lead to marriage? I mean why a couple could date for years and years and years and still nothing? Why date anyway

[Opinion Owner]

@kitty71 Lol my comment was more of a incomplete thought. I didn't feel like rewriting it which is why I'm anon. Love obv has a lot to do with marriage in some cultures. Why date without the plan to marry? Cause you get lonely. A person can want love or sex etc without the long term commitment. In the past I would have said I think that is dumb but it isn't. It's not healthy to be alone forever even if you don't want to marry. Unless you're really busy or have a lot of friends and or fuck buddies it is tough.

[Aiasis]

I agree with it but it's really based on preference.

[MotionMountainn]

I'm old fashioned so I like it. Unless it's not working out of course.. hi btw:)

[CuriousMufuxka]

Marriage has become little more than a title and a lawyer's dream..

[User_Friendly]

We i think most are hoping the relationship turns into something strong like that

[Anonymous]

I date with the intention of a long term relationship. In my age range, most people of both genders have been married at least once, and nobody wants to do that again.

[Twalli]

Well, I intend to date the person I will marry, but I wouldn't say I go into every relationship looking for marriage