Only desperate, lonely guys approach me. What am I doing wrong?

[Anonymous]

The only guys I attract are sad and lonely guys, with low self-esteem who latch on to any girl that gives them attention.
I look after myself, have a good social life and I work hard in my studies and job. But guys I am attracted to never seem to like me back, and only ever see me as a friend.

What am I doing that attracts negative guys, and repels the guys I feel chemistry with and have positive vibes with?

Am I ugly, have an awful personality I wasn't aware of... or simply unlucky?

[meesegoMoo]

It's more likely you have an enabling personality. The type that means well, and will talk to the poor and the lonely, but isn't very experienced in making their lack of romantic interest known.

Make sure the guys who only ever see you as a friend know your interested. Many good, smart, mature men are bad at taking hints. Sometimes men have experienced enough rejection that they stop interpreting women's actions as them being "interested".

While sappy losers who never grow up are likely to assume EVERYBODY wants them, just most won't approach (probably because they're such fine masculine and moral specimens). So when you give them the time of day trying to be kind (used to call it human decency), they immediately see :A NEW CHALLENGER APPROACHES and decide you know what, they will let you date them.

[cicchis0]

What do you want - to be approached by men that are already in relationships and just looking for something on the side?

I would treat it as a positive sign that you are attractive - if you are attractive to the sort of people that you want to meet, others will also find you attractive. You are in the "box seat" sorting through a bunch of potential suitors, trying to decide which one you will allow to court you. This is the dream position! If none of them tickle your fancy, you dismiss them all, confident in the knowledge that men find you attractive, so when you meet one you like, he'll probably like you. If things don't move quickly enough with the guys that you do like, steer things where you want them to go by letting him know that you're interested.

[Kinogo]

probs your positive and light aspects of you as a person is what attracted them. It's not cause you're ugly and have some sort of imperfect just cause of people who have some sort of baggage like u.

[AwesomeCookie]

Standards. Set your standards and keep them. If you don't want the lonely desperate guy then don't give them the idea or attention that you're interested. Then they won't approach you as such.

[BeMuse]

If they approached you they likely have a decent level of self-confidence. By default you’re going to get attention when approached. The two go hand in hand. If you want they guys that seem to be uninterested in you, that are more attractive, seem to be more confident, etc. then it sounds like you’re going to have to do most of the leg work rather than waiting around for them to want you. So why don’t you start doing the approaching and eating the rejections like the guys you turn down. Maybe one of the ones you think is worthwhile will give you a shot eventually.

[BeMuse]

*the

[Asker]

Thanks. Many of the men who have approached me, after getting to know them for a while (as I always like to give people a chance) have later admitted that they are sad, lonely and just want someone and they become very demanding of my attention and constantly ask if they have upset me, etc. Which to me, translates as having low self-esteem and I do not want to he with a man child, who I have to reassure constantly.

I have also never been afraid to make the first move and have been rejected by the men I desire. Always friend-zoned. :(

[BeMuse]

So you’re basically mad because men have feelings and they open up to you. Hahaha You sound really damaged.

[Asker]

Maybe we found the answer.

[BeMuse]

The funny thing is, women will dump their feelings on you multiple times a day, guys don’t typically do it that often, but everyone has a bad day eventually. So if you can’t deal with that, you’re in real trouble.

[Asker]

I am fine with a man sharing his emotions with me, and I enjoy it as it deepens your bond with someone. However, it was too much too soon. And to message me multiple times in the day, demanding why I didn't reply and begging me to stay out late, etc. It is a pattern I have experience with so many of the men who have approached me.

[DoggyLover]

Well to see if your ugly we would need to see a picture. As for a good guy keep looking we are hard to find and we have the same issues with girls. Usually its not you but who you meet. Might be a bad streak or where you meet them. Online most guys are lonely and same in some places.

I'm sure you have a great personality and look great.

Might be your to pretty my sister has that where the only ones she meets are bad.

[RoastedCharms]

I feel very much the same. How I see it is, the both of us probably want a relationship so badly that it comes across as desperate, even when we don't mean it to. I stopped trying so hard, and been living life. Maybe I'll bump into someone, and I think there is something happening soon with a girl. One I never thought I would be interested in.

[slatyb]

Every woman attracts those guys. The real question is why aren’t you attracting normal emotionally guys. But it’s impossible to say. No one here knows you. Maybe you have some personality problems. Maybe you dress poorly or have poor hygiene. Maybe you are just unhappy and it shows. Could be a lot of things.

[Trooper205]

Mmm. I feel you.
I've managed to attract NO true Ladies. Any Woman who had feelings for me either never met me in person, or wanted my money. Apparently, (at this time) there aren't any Girls who find me attractive, or want me for true Love, which hurts!
The point is, you're doing nothing wrong. Simply, we need to wait for someone. A significant other who sees us for Potential Material. A person who sees us as Worth. We just need... patience.

[tyxrel]

Well to be honest from the sound of it those guys you attract are becuse you just seem more approachable it probably has nothing to do withlooks or anything like that most men have a hard time talking to women who are physically attractive do to fear of rejection so insted you should go to them if you think you have chemistry and try to ask youself

[Passinggas]

You probably appear to be the typical misandrist feminist all stressed out with work /studies and only the most desperate ankle lickers will go for that. In addition, maybe you have some unattractive attribute.

[what_the_hell]

You are an ugly misogynist loser so fuck you

[Dainolf]

"I work hard in my studies and job"
There you have it. It only signals that you are unavaible most times, might be high maintenance and most likely not willing to settle down any time soon.

[Asker]

Perhaps this is true...

[genericname85]

maybe get off your high horse for starters... and then also consider going getting what you want, cause stuff that comes for free is always crap. put the work in if you want something worth while!

[Asker]

I have put in the work, but it never seems to work out... Especially when I have to do all the subtle hints, the seducing and chasing. Guys do not want to be chased. :/

[genericname85]

well chasing is of course nonsense for both genders. you have to get more efficient at sifting out the duds. it's a matter of practice. eventually you'll get faster and faster at ditching people who're not worth your time, wasting less time on duds, increasing your chances of finding a winner. i know it sucks but that's the game we all have to play to win.

[one1wild00]

You haven't given enough information for me to correctly answer your question!

[Asker]

What information, other than a pic, would you like?

[JSmuve]

We can't possibly know what you're doing wrong if we have no idea what you're actually doing. Can we now?

[Asker]

I also do not know, haha. I try my best to be kind and I always give these guys a chance... I chat with them and go out with them so I can get to know them and when I realise we won't be a good match... they are still persistent. Yet when I find a guy I enjoy spending time with, it doesn't seem to work out. What we have fades, or they friend zone me.

[IlyaTheImpaler]

Probably a combination of those things. Maybe it's time you actually go after guys you like instead of waiting for the right one to bite 😂

[Twalli]

Would you rather have a guy who is okay with you saying no? They go into a relationship without any drive to keep it strong because they had no problem with it but happening in the first place.

[Usernamesrdumb]

Its 2020. Use that f’n girl power and do some approaching yourself. Leave the church of victimhood in 2019.

[Asker]

Believe me, I have. It will either fizzle out really quick, or they just tell me that they like me more as a friend.

[soleil2666]

Would you prefer happy married guys to approach you?

[Asker]

Of course not. I want a relationship, not an affair. If someone can not commit to me, and only me (romantically and intimately) then I do not want that lol.

[soleil2666]

Well, lonely guys ARE a good bet when it comes to commitment. You can try to get commitment by a party playboy, or have no one approach you as well.
A problem with not understanding the scale of the possible issues, this is.

[zagor]

Apparently the guys you feel chemistry with don't feel the same about you. Either change yourself or change your standards.

[Anonymous]

Then you have to approach the ones YOU are interested in.

[Asker]

I do, but when I do the chasing, they seem to lose interest or friend zone me...

[Liam_Hayden]

Maybe you should consider approaching the guys who interest you?

[Anonymous]

You are probably ugly, if you were attractive you would attracting more attractive or desirable guys.

[Asker]

I am not saying that the guys who approach me are ugly, they have been rather attractive. But their dependant nature, low self-esteem and lack of drive is what I find off putting... And the guys I am drawn to and hit it off with, are the guys who do not see me in any other light. I am just a friend.

[what_the_hell]

You are ugly gtfo

[lofii]

You're not dating me, that's what you're doing wrong

[lazermazer]

People attract their tribe, so I would put you in the same category.

[rockrewls]

a pic or this is hard to answer? maybe your standards are to high?

[jay1966]

I no that feeling with girls. I'm always have a joke. its called conference

[Tyler131]

What do you look like?

[outside_Toronto]

You're acting desperate and lonely

[Asker]

Maybe that is the vibe I give off to the men I am interested and in turn, put them off! Haha. I am not desperate, but frustrated at this point. Not sure what it is about me that can not find a decent guy that I get on well with. As this is not about looks on the guys side, I do not care about that.

[outside_Toronto]

Its rarely about looks. Its all about the vibe.

[Asker]

Yes, it is about the vibes and personalities getting on well.

[Snakeyes7]

How do you know they are sad and lonely?

[Asker]

They tell me that themselves.

[Snakeyes7]

Yep, they broke an unwritten rule. Never admit that especially that early on.

[skeetskeetskeet]

Depends what you look like

[Asker]

I wouldn't have asked this question on anon if I felt okay sharing my pic... haha. However, I have never been called ugly or unattractive, I look after myself and also well groomed, taking pride in my appearance.

[The_man_whol_aughs]

No your just shallow that's all

[Asker]

Hmm, I do not believe I am. I am quite intelligent and I try to be kind to others... It has nothing to do with looks, either. As I have been attracted to men deemed "unattractive" by mainstream beauty standards. I always go for personality and whether or not we are on the same level. I have found that most of the men I have encountered during dating and in my every day life, have had low self-esteem and are basically, man babies.

But then again, maybe I am shallow? Lol.

[The_man_whol_aughs]

Yes you are but that's alright I'm shallow as well

[debasisg]

Be charming and self-confident.

[MannMitAntworten]

Beats me?

[Anonymous]

Who do you seem to like?