Have you ever been initially not attracted but it developed after you got more familiar with your partner?

Question

When I was a younger man, I frequently said that if I was not initially attracted to a woman, it would probably never happen and there was no sense in wasting time pursuing her as a romantic partner. That statement was true. It never did happen - not when I was younger - perhaps because I never gave an "unattractive" (unattractive to me) woman a chance. In 2015, I started dating a woman who was a good match for me in many ways. She was a retired judge, obviously bright and articulate, and we had many other common interests. She also fit the "type" of woman who I usually pursue. She is petite, has dainty features, and she enjoys physical affection. I was very quickly attracted to her. We eventually had a sexual relationship that was very satisfying for both of us, but I broke up with her because she never fell in love with me as I fell for her. Looking back on that relationship, I don't know why I was physically attracted to her. Most guys who met her would probably rate her as a 3/10, and so would I, but when I was dating her, I thought she was a 7/10 or 8/10. Maybe the years and experiences have changed me, or maybe I just developed the attraction because I gave her a chance. Have you ever had that experience?

Cynicaldreamer · Accepted Answer

Absolutely. That was the case with every guy I formerly dated: typically they liked me and found me attractive, but the feeling wasn't mutual... at first. I still gave them a chance because I was flattered anyone found me attractive or worth dating.

And guess what...
As I got to know them, I fell for them, slowly, but over time.

Mind you, I also value personality over looks as well. So having a guy treat me right, is able to hold a conversation with me, and is a nice guy factors in towards my attraction to him as well.

secretgirl4u · Accepted Answer

Yah I've done that.. but now I regret it.. he's ungrateful as fuck.

aWes0MeNeSs · Answer

Pretty much every guy I was ever interested in started out as just an ordinary guy, but I began to notice an attraction as I got to know them better. They were not bad looking to me to begin with, but I didn't really notice them at first, either. I'd say that personality plays a very big part in attraction for me.

In fact, one of the ones I fell hardest for was very plain looking, especially in comparison to the others, but there was something about him I liked and made him attractive to me. We clicked really well, and I think that was it.

I was hoping I would eventually grow to become attracted to my last ex, however, and it sadly never happened. I think this was around the time I started experiencing less attraction in general, and since he was very nice to me at first, I thought for sure it would be fine. Something was just missing, and to be honest, we didn't click too well.

ragequeen · Answer

You seem like the type of person who tries to look for the best in people. When you do, their looks mean nothing to you. I did this with my ex. I realized halfway through the relationship that I wasn`t physically attracted to him at all, but he was charming.

Brainsbeforebeauty · Answer

Yep.. Both of the men I married.. the first didn't divorce because of lack of attraction, rather severe physical abuse., And the second who died way too soon way too young, but isn't that life.. 'Only the good die young"
Physical appearance don't mean shit if you a shitty person... But these days it's more about the physical than the character of the person... And then wonder why divorce on the rise... Don't take a rocket scientist to figure that out

Bluemax · Answer

On one occasion, but I never dated her. I wasn't attracted to her initially, but at the same time I wasn't unattracted to her. I would say it was neutral. However she would never have me anyways. So that's that.

I did go out with a woman I wasn't attracted to. I followed the advice of family and some friends. Being physically affectionate went from "meh" to a chore. Her asking me to be intimate was like playing dodgeball. Family and some friends kept telling me to focus on other things. I needed to see past her physical appearance and see what a wonderful person she was.

Well guess what? I did see past her appearance. I did see what a kind, sweet, and gentle person she is.

And I *still* found her physically unattractive. Sex was *still* a chore; something to be avoided.

This whole "You'll find attraction can grow" simply isn't true for everyone. Furthermore, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

Moreover, I would even go so far as to state that there's nothing noble about becoming attracted to someone you weren't initially attracted to. It simply is. In Beauty and the Beast, Belle is often seen as noble for falling in love with Beast. Personally I think she's noble for other reasons (her intelligence, her kindness, her devotion to learning and her family). But her falling for Beast (and for all we know, when she said "I love you," at that moment she could have meant as a friend) is in my opinion neither noble nor ignoble. It simply is.

So there you have it. Sorry for the length.

by the way olderandwiser, I seem to recall reading that you are religious. Am I mistaken?

Lliam · Answer

I wouldn't have considered asking a woman out unless I was physically attracted to her. Why would I? That doesn't mean she had to look like an Instagram model or fit the popular stereotype of gorgeous. But I have certain standards and preferences.

I do have one interesting story. When I was almost 40 I signed up for a dating service because I had finally decided to try to find a life partner. This was before internet.
You would look through ring binders. Each person had one page. On one side was a photo and on the other side was a bio. I would flip through looking at photos, and if I thought a woman was attractive, I would read the bio and decide if I wanted to send a contact card.
I lined up a lot of dates and had met about six women. They were a little bit like blind dates.
There was one woman who I had second thoughts about when I first saw her. She had a cute face and a nice body, but she was bigger than what I prefer. Her hair didn't match my preference and she dressed kind of frumpy in a long, brown dress.
But inside the restaurant, we hit it off and our conversation just flowed.
To cut a very long story short, she is the woman I married.

The moral of the story is, I was not initially that physically attracted but it developed as I got to know her. And I'm not saying she wasn't attractive, she just didn't fit my preferences when I first saw her.

Anonymous · Answer

yeah one time i met a guy that i thought was so ugly and we talked for a long time because nobody else seemed interested to talk other than sex talk and he probably wanted to talk about sex too, like the rest, or I don't know, but he didn't. he actually seemed interested in normal talk and so we became friends and talked every day and suddenly I don't know how he just became attractive.

we later dated and he cheated on me and now i look back on his photos and i'm like wow he is ugly lol because he really is, but i can still remember when i started to see him as handsome, i really did. and his voice!! i've yet to meet another man with such sexy voice as him.

Can-I-Get-A-DoOver · Answer

I’ve discovered that meeting online works for me. I get to know a man’s personality over a period of time through texting, and if a bond develops, he’ll be the most handsome man in the world to me. I’ll want to see his smiling face and feel his touch regardless of his beady eyes, short stature, or small tool. Eventually I get a pic and if he’s below average, so what? It’s not a dealbreaker. If I had just seen pics, I probably would have swiped left but when texting first before pics, an authentic relationship can develop. It’s really quite lovely!

lilyanony1 · Answer

I'm a very one track minded person. I go to work to earn. School to learn... Clubbing to have fun and dance. Most the guys I've dated except for two I wouldn't have put myself with at all. They werent even on my radar. But we started a friendship I guess and things developed from then.
The other two I liked them as soon as I saw them. The one guy it was so strong that he and I kind of only had eyes for each other at the party we were at. We exchanged numbers and almost instantly we were meeting up.
I don't usually go for lookers. I prefer intellect and quirkiness.
And I like coaxing the shy guy out of his shell.
Generally speaking though I don't think I'm made for reproducing I think I'm here to just share a little light in different people's lives. Where I can

kemo56 · Answer

Yes I believe that can happen anytime we tried to judge people from our pre conceived ideas we all have prejudiced about something might not be skin color or religion it might be zipsor weight or lack of waiter but then when we get to know him we find out there really a sweet person that is duh the grow on its maybe so to speak now I think that's the reason some pre arranged marriages work real well as long as both people are working at it I think that that is the long-term love that you develop not that quote in love that makes us wanna join with one person but it's the love that grows from that is where the real love comes from I don't know what that has to do with question but anyway just my opinion

Miristheiss · Answer

Not my wife but there was a girl in college who sat next to me at home football games and I had a class with her brother. At first I had no direct interest in her... she was sort of cute... a little plain. As the season progressed and I sat and talked with her at every game I grew to be very attracted to her. I asked her out.

Anonymous · Answer

When I first met my girlfriend at work, I didn’t find her attractive at first. I didn’t find her ugly but she just didn’t catch my attention like that.
I invited her over a couple times to smoke after work and she ended up kissing me one night, and ever since then I’ve found her to be the cutest girl in the world lol

And I just really like her personality and she is a great girlfriend, and it’s the first time I’m with someone who isn’t toxic.
And I’ve had people tell me that I could do better and get someone more attractive but I don’t really care. I’m happy

mindNsoul · Answer

It did happen in both my past relationships. I am attracted to inner beauty more and how solid the connection we hae is. So I tend to give people a chance. To show me who they are and how beautiful is their mind, soul, and heart.

However, I think some level of initial attraction should be there. I need to like something about them like their eyes or the way they laugh.

roody · Answer

I wouldn't say I wasn't attracted to my current partner, but I didn't really think he was my type, I wasn't SUPER interested, but the more I talked to him the more I really fell for him. His personality really did it for me, now I think he's adorable.

modelUN242 · Answer

I know what you mean, that's why relationships in school and the workplace happen a lot, because you see the person every single day. I can say, that guys who are unattractive to me, but they treat me nice and look out for me, I can eventually develop attraction to them.

Hazelstar99 · Answer

Yes I felt that in my past relationships I was never attracted to them at the initial stage. I was always friends with them. As I spent time with them and getting to know them I started developing attraction towards them. I am blind when it comes to physical attraction.

chapawapa · Answer

Yes I never dated them. Then I pretty much fell in love with them and everyday they grew more attractive. Totally opposite from the type I date and not attractive to me but I didn't care he was still hot to me.

I wasn't his type and got turned down. Lol so yea

Anonymous · Answer

I don't know if this can be considered similar. But i used to know this girl that i found mildly attractive. But as i got to know her she started packing on the lbs. One day i realized i have to ask her out. Her fat ass friend zoned me though lol.
I sometimes wonder why she turned me down. I mean did she really see me as just a friend or was she embarrassed by how disgustingly big she had gotten.

Browneye57 · Answer

Yes, but just the opposite. If you don't get the attractiveness qualities thing right you sign yourself up for a lifetime of dread if you marry them.

Love can't start 'till attraction does, and then there needs to be a conversation.

So while it might not be purely physical attraction, there has to be SOMETHING there to attract. Or people would just pick people they dread and try to date them. Makes absolutely no sense.

talulahbee · Answer

I asked about this in my most recent question actually, about if it's ok to go on a date w someone that u don't feel into yet with the idea that u might develop feelings? We went out on a date but didn't get that spark so I don't know.. Probably just go on as friends and see if more happens? I'm just not usually into guys my own age group, but I'm trying haha

DeviloftheValleys · Answer

It's unnatural to not associate your opinions on a person's appearence with your opinions on their personality. They become inextricably linked, and influence each other.

Yes. With a large majority of my partners, physical attraction grew over time from very little.

Have you ever been initially not attracted but it developed after you got more familiar with your partner?

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