When you start dating someone, are you afraid to tell them your actual goal in dating?

Question

In my experience, younger people do not often go on a first date and say, "I'm really looking for someone who is a good match for me so we can settle down and get married." I guess the thinking is that such a declaration would scare the living bejeezus out of your date and they'd run for the exit. BUT. . . if your date feels that they aren't ready for marriage, wouldn't it be better to discover that now, rather than after you have been dating for three months and started falling for him/her? Do you talk about your dating goals on a first or second date?

Sensmind · Accepted Answer

I agree and disagree with you at the same time - Possibly as you get older , you are more inclined these things should be discussed because more than likely we have been in a situation where a relationship has reached a roadblock over dating goals especially when people are maybe reentering the dating scene after a long time due the end of a long term relationship.
This is backing you up on your premise but with a slight waiver I often think having set dating goals can be prohibitive maybe it comes down to our interpretation of "Dating" .
"Dating" for me is dates like dinners, day out, getting to know each other, basically seeing where it goes then if it goes well "DATING" happens. "DATING" is the next stage where discussions should happen, where do you see "US" going, where would you like "US" to go , are we both on the same page?
What I am saying is that I would not broach the goals conversation until "DATING" happens. I would not open with "I sleep on the right hand side of the bed " (Haha)

ShortCircuit · Accepted Answer

No, I'm not afraid to say that I'm looking for a LTR, because I know that's what most women, even at my age, are looking for. Not to mention that just saying that's my goal doesn't necessarily mean that I'm already expecting that of the person I'm saying it to, and I'd make sure to clarify accordingly.

Puppystarfish23 · Accepted Answer

Back when I was dating I was upfront from the beginning but I was looking for someone to have a committed relationship with and that we can see were the future takes us from there. I don't think you can actually go into a relationship straight away knowing you wanna have a life with that person it takes time to figure that out. Rushing into things like that is usually were people go wrong in relationships, people need to get to know each other before even knowing if that's what they both want.

But at the same time I don't want my time wasting if he's wanting a hook up he can leave there and then I'm in for the long run

Brainsbeforebeauty · Accepted Answer

I'm upfront from the get go... And personally feel everyone should be

Jean-Marie_Céline · Answer

Good question, thank you for asking it.
I'm not afraid, for the simple reason that my objective in the first dates is simply to have someone to spend time with. I don't think that far ahead and I'm not really interested in sex, so just time and company are good for me!

Chikky · Answer

I have that discussion first with them, if they're not into what I want, then I'll know the decision to take if whether to continue or not. Just saves a lot of heart ache

Apope16 · Answer

A lot of women on dating apps are time wasters who want attention. So i am upfront.

MCheetah · Answer

Not afraid. I tell them I want a female companion and partner through thick and thin. I basically want a best friend I can have sex with. I want to be able to laugh and tell jokes with them. And hang out and have deep philosophical conversations with. And go to the gym together and try to mutually lose weight and either have a competition in who can make the most gains/progress, or both get annoyed that nothing is working. I want to be able to look into her eyes under the covers while snuggling and have a telepathic conversation without saying a word to her. I want that. I want that cheesy, cliché, lame, unrealistic love that you always hear about.

I came close, one time. We never got to that level, but we were close after ten months and a then-future marriage down the line. But yeah, that's what I want. Sex would only be a side effect of romantic companionship. I don't want, nor need, casual sex. I want (and may or may not need) love, however. I wouldn't say all of THIS to a girl. But I always let it be known: I'm looking for a relationship down the line. How long that'll take to develop, if at all, is anyone's guess. But that's my goal. ... Or at least it was. I doubt I'll find that with any woman on this planet. So it's more of a fantasy wish than a life goal I'm pursuing.

Mi Amor... Before she passed away eight years ago.

TruthBringer · Answer

This is indeed a problem within my generation and the younger generations. The problem is that dating today is full of mindgames. The one who shows least care is the person who gets the upperhand. Hence the 'nice guys finish last' phrase.

From a guy's perspective, showing care and interest in a girl will often just 'turn her off'. Hence why so many (young) men turn bitter, start to resent women or don't bother altogether. Or those who do want to give things a try, will often adopt the 'bad boy' mentality that includes not showing much care.

In my own case, adopting the 'bad boy' mentality has helped me tremendously in getting with girls and managing to get in a relationship. And when it comes to telling them my goals, I don't just throw it all on the table. Even though I want to get married and start a family one day, I don't just throw that on the table the first couple of dates. I simply tell them my standards and requirements when it comes to long term dating and they are free to accept or not. If not, then we both don't waste our times any further. Telling them these requirements and that they can take it or leave it has always played in my favor.

dangerDoge · Answer

I think there is an important distinction here. It's red-light-and-run-away material in my opinion if I were to say "I want to get married to you" on a first date or whatnot. It's not an issue though to talk about long term goals and say "I want to get married one day." I think there is a fine line between the two, where one is making a ludicrous assumption the person is 'the one,' and the other talks about personal life goals.

I think it's fine, if not encouraged, to talk about the latter early on. I would do it. I think having long term goals that are compatible is an important part of a long term relationship. I'm not into hookups, but I think that if someone was going for casual sex, that is also something important to disclose too early on.

Granted, something like a LTR vs a STR is somewhat implied by the time first date rolls around usually, but I think it's ok to go a first date without discussing such topics. If it comes up, it comes up, but otherwise, you're just kind of getting to know each other. It's not that one should be afraid of discussing it, but rather, the first date or two is probably going to be a little chaotic anyways trying to get to know each other. I think finding general compatibility is a more important thing initially.

Elsa143 · Answer

In my case it's the opposite.
When I was a teenage, i used to OPENLY say that I want marriage.
But now I HIDE it and don't even date anyone, unless I observe them thoroughly.
Because all my exes 'pretended' to be a good husband material. They will go to any extents to prove that they will marry me, love me forever and do anything for me.
But i caught their hidden agendas to manipulate me for sex, companionship and showing off me to other people. I believe in sex after marriage so they failed.

HawkPerception · Answer

I always get the big questions out of the way to begin with.

Are you looking for long term?
Are you religious?
Would you be willing to pay for yourself on dates?
How much communication are you comfortable with in a relationship?
How do you believe you build trust with your partner?
Do you believe in sex before marriage?
Etc.

I don't ask them like interview questions obviously, but ease them into each one. By the end of the first date, I usually know what I need to and whether we had chemistry or not to go for a 2nd.

Knighted2170 · Answer

Not afraid of any of the options you have.

Why? I'm not emotionally invested in someone I don't know yet or how they may react. If I like someone I just tell them. If they react negatively, then it just saved us both time and energy. The universe just told me "nope, they are not the one for you."

Most of the time I get favorable responses by just coming out and saying what I want. A lot of times it allows them to do the same. I get into some really deep conversations that way.

ChrisMaster69 · Answer

Hmm good question.

I’m on date 3 tomorrow.

I’m not afraid etc or any concern at the moment.

the thing is I just do not know what I want at the moment.

This entire thing has blind sided me and my friends all think it’s fucking hysterical.

Normally I’m the one doing the work, this time round I am a mere passenger lol.

We have not discussed any future yet, I may simply be a mere appetiser.

the end of the month should be humorous, as I see my ex wife and have my daughter for a bit, both will also no doubt find the entire thing funny.

The ball is firmly not in my court at the moment lol, I’m happy to see how things play out.

There is I guess, for me a huge amount of curiosity with the entire thing.

razelove · Answer

I know the outcome will not be sunshine and roses when I meet a new girl, start dating her in a poly relationship, and am clear that I do want a long term closed poly relationship. Most all of the women I/we have been with might say they want as much to, but actions and history say different. One to three months has been the running so far.

So yeah, that does scare me, knowing it likely will be casual to companionship for as long as is convenient, then they'll vanish like morning dew. Hope and desire are funny things though.

devilish-cutie · Answer

As i said on previous q i usually say i am looking for something more serious. Maybe not on the first date, you can get an idea about the person without being so blunt. There are also some other dealbreqkers before i drop that bomb.
However while online dating i say it pretty fast as there are plenty just looking to hook up and i feel its important as soon as possible find out what the guy is there for.
Saying i want marriage would make. me sound like religious freak. And like i just want a husband.

0112358 · Answer

I think this is very timeline dependent.

when my wife and I started dating I don't think either of us were looking for a marriage partner. We were young and just interested in being a couple. We then decided to get married. I think it's pretty common if you're at an age where most people aren't married yet to not have a fixed "objective". They might be ready to get married in 2 years to the perfect partner, but they might also not get married for another decade. They're open to marriage but not actively seeking it out yet.

tbh I think some people are in the same space for casual sex vs relationships. They're looking for sex now. If it blossoms into more, great, if not, that's okay. They're open to a relationship but not exclusively driving towards one.

Anonymous · Answer

Well that all depends on what you want in a relationship. I'd somebody told me they are looking to get married I think it would scare me because I don't like commitment or thinking that I have to do something its a end all be all.

That being said I go into a relationship simply because I enjoy spending time with the person. If eventually I do want to get married to them then I would. But I dont think you should say your looking for somebody to get married on the first day because you haven't even met the person yet. By spending time with them, you'll know if you want to marry them or not. You can say things that you don't want like you don't want just casual sex then I think that's fine they will either say yea me either or leave.

sofiec · Answer

What is the average age demographic of this site lol. It seems very slanted towards the forgotten generation

I am always up front and specific about my wants and needs. I make sure there are no grey areas and make sure they understand that I want communication and mutual agreement and trust. I don't care about marriage, and casual sex isn't for dating, dating is for romantic sex followed by the real fear: hoping they don't think I'm too weird in bed

NathanDavis · Answer

Never been afraid, my goal is always the same, I want a chance for us to get to know each other first, and then... whatever happens.

And I rarely or never have to explain that, we just start doing it right away.

Well, at least, this have been my approach so far.

JackSmy · Answer

I don't have a "goal" or "EXPECTATION" in any way! I meet someone, and we like each other, and we like to get together, and then get to know each other. I NEVER EXPECT ANYTHING, as that just FCKS it up, and Jynxes a good time together!!
I want to just love being with her, enjoying our time, without expectations, or needs for some 'relationship' shit.
Why can't we just be who we are, spend some time, and get to know each other, without having to think there must be some "END" thing?
I think that fcks up a lot of really good, casual, loving things, that two people can share, OVER-THINKING, and not just being in the moment, at the time, and loving being with that person, just now, and loving everything about that time, together!
Why does there have to be more, or a "plan" or "goal"?

Avicenna · Answer

No, I’ve always been pretty upfront about what I want, other than when J was a teenager, when I guess it was obvious.

And no one should be afraid to be transparent about it/ there’s no need to waste your time or theirs. There will be someone out there who wants the same- you just have to find them.

Anonymous · Answer

the true point of dating is to get to know one another so, that should be a topic of conversation at some point before things get serious one would think. but these days people want you pregnant by the end of the first date and thats people of all ages dating is very backwards these days

Anonymous · Answer

Even tho i am young, i am not afraid to tell them, cause i don't want to waist my time with someone who don't want to get married in the future.

I want to get married after i am 25 or 28 years old

I told my current boyfriend about my goals, the first time we talked and other times later after that. He has the same goal. We are just gonna take it easier, step by step.

Iron_Man · Answer

I’m not gonna get into that with them when they’re new to me at first I just want a good report and a good connection with her and carry on from there? How’s the Chinese girlfriend going do you see yourself marrying her?

Anonymous · Answer

I mean If you’re not dating to marry then what’s the point of dating lol. That’s how I feel personally. We’re not objects & we should value our feelings and self’s.

Anonymous · Answer

Be direct , If you don’t want the same thing. Don’t waste each other’s time and break your hearts

midnightmoon05 · Answer

Guys maybe frustrated with me about marriage talk since I was never one to talk about marriage.
After spending time dating and he treats me well, and he has the potential to be a good father, husband, go for it. Otherwise, go separate ways.

FreyaRed · Answer

My goals change because not every guy is marriage or relationship material.

Massageman · Answer

Never really thought about having that convo - assumed that everyone knew that dating was about finding out about others as potential mates.

Jessica405 · Answer

My partner and I discussed everything the first day we met. Luckily, we both wanted the same. Permenant relationship, no marriage, no kids.

whatdoyouwantt · Answer

Nah I used to tell my exact motives so they can back off if it’s not what they wanted. I really don’t want to waste my time!

Twalli · Answer

I ask if they want to get married at some point and if they have sex before marriage. These two are nonnegotiable for me. If we have any future, marriage has to be a possibility and premarital sex has to be a reality.

spartan55 · Answer

My goal doesn't become clear until certain mileposts are hit.

JSmuve · Answer

Last time I told a girl my goal in wanting to be with her (casual friends with benefits) she lost her shit and started swearing at me. So afterwards I was thinking to myself "so this is why guys lead girls on, they just can't handle a guys honesty. got it". So I'm not afraid, I just don't really see any value in being upfront at the get-go if it costs me an opportunity to get laid.

JamieLoves · Answer

How would I know. I need to know her before thinking anything.

zagor · Answer

Not afraid at all. Just not sure so I don't bring it up. If they do, which hasn't happened as yet, I would say something vague like "just looking for the right person".

clampfan101 · Answer

I’m looking for marriage. If things don’t work out I might be their friend if they wanted, but looking for marriage is what dating in for in my opinion.

sensible27 · Answer

I think saying what we actually feel as long as we feel certain may not be so bad..

bamesjond0069 · Answer

I typically dont say anything unless they bring it up. It really depends on the girl. I want to get married but i also like casual sex. So either is a win for me.

Drumlin2001 · Answer

I find it best to get cards on the table so you know what each other are looking for.

mike5150 · Answer

Either A or B. I don't believe actual marriage is any different than someone you are commited to.

GoodGuyBreakingBad · Answer

Not afraid of what will come and tell everything about myself

anon1903 · Answer

I'm afraid they'd set a goal for me. I don't date and when I will, I will for fun.

Anonymous · Answer

My guess is, your first girlfriend was in your teens

GoldenTulip · Answer

No i am not. I know what i want.. if they are not on the same page. Too bad.. on to the next. I don't waste time on this age.

legalboxers · Answer

what is a common goal in dating? Long Term? Short Term? Fuck Buddy. Essentially people want to get married. People want something real and long term.

Likes2drive · Answer

Voted E on this one, I usually see what happens later on, you never what can happen or change your mind

Ironic_Method · Answer

Nope. I'm upfront about what I want and expectations.

shalt · Answer

None of them actually lol. I'd rather just say not, and say, I'm just looking g for happiness and whatever happens, happens.

Tstrbrainer · Answer

I'm planning to be upfront and tell that I just want sex, it would be considered rude by many, but that's it 😂

Anonymous · Answer

Honestly no, unless it was marriage of course cause that would scare em away haha. But I’m mostly just dating to see what I like and to see where it goes. So I don’t think I have an actual goal.

Hyuuuugg · Answer

It's actually girls wanting a short term relationship and not wanting build anything

faye_girl · Answer

I let it be known before the first date.

KatherineJ · Answer

It was terrifying to even bring that subject up.

worldscolide · Answer

Was never afraid to state my true intentions.

BarryLiverstone · Answer

I have no fears there

blondfrog · Answer

I think most people are afraid.

msc545 · Answer

I don't really have a specific goal

Shihab91 · Answer

Voted for A

When you start dating someone, are you afraid to tell them your actual goal in dating?

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