When you start dating someone, are you afraid to tell them your actual goal in dating?

[OlderAndWiser]

Hey, you're cute!

In my experience, younger people do not often go on a first date and say, "I'm really looking for someone who is a good match for me so we can settle down and get married." I guess the thinking is that such a declaration would scare the living bejeezus out of your date and they'd run for the exit.

They went thataway!

BUT. . . if your date feels that they aren't ready for marriage, wouldn't it be better to discover that now, rather than after you have been dating for three months and started falling for him/her? Do you talk about your dating goals on a first or second date?

NOT afraid. I tell them I want to get MARRIED and if they don't want the same thing, I avoid wasting time.

NOT afraid. I tell them I want to LTR WITHOUT MARRIAGE and if they don't want the same thing, I avoid wasting time.

NOT afraid. I tell them I want to HAVE CASUAL SEX and if they don't want the same thing, I avoid wasting time.

NOT afraid. I tell them I just want COMPANIONSHIP and if they don't want the same thing, I avoid wasting time.

AFRAID that if I say I want MARRIAGE or LTR WITHOUT MARRIAGE, they won't give me a chance.

AFRAID that if I say I want CASUAL SEX, they'll just think I'm a slut.

AFRAID that if I say I just want COMPANIONSHIP, they'll suggest we split the bill and then ghost me.

[Sensmind]

I agree and disagree with you at the same time - Possibly as you get older , you are more inclined these things should be discussed because more than likely we have been in a situation where a relationship has reached a roadblock over dating goals especially when people are maybe reentering the dating scene after a long time due the end of a long term relationship.
This is backing you up on your premise but with a slight waiver I often think having set dating goals can be prohibitive maybe it comes down to our interpretation of "Dating" .
"Dating" for me is dates like dinners, day out, getting to know each other, basically seeing where it goes then if it goes well "DATING" happens. "DATING" is the next stage where discussions should happen, where do you see "US" going, where would you like "US" to go , are we both on the same page?
What I am saying is that I would not broach the goals conversation until "DATING" happens. I would not open with "I sleep on the right hand side of the bed " (Haha)

[OlderAndWiser]

Actually, I simply posed a question and did not state my personal belief at all. I think most people who are at least in their early 20's have a goal in dating - casual sex, nothing serious, LTR, marriage, etc. - but that is different that "what is your goal in dating this specific person."

When do you call it "dating" is just semantics and older people tend to call all social activities "dating" if it involves a potential romantic interest.

I, too, sleep on the right hand side of the bed. But that does not mean that you and I are dating! :) :) :)

[ShortCircuit]

No, I'm not afraid to say that I'm looking for a LTR, because I know that's what most women, even at my age, are looking for. Not to mention that just saying that's my goal doesn't necessarily mean that I'm already expecting that of the person I'm saying it to, and I'd make sure to clarify accordingly.

[OlderAndWiser]

Right! Saying that your goal is to find a partner for a LTR does not mean that this particular girl is the one that you want.

[Puppystarfish23]

Back when I was dating I was upfront from the beginning but I was looking for someone to have a committed relationship with and that we can see were the future takes us from there. I don't think you can actually go into a relationship straight away knowing you wanna have a life with that person it takes time to figure that out. Rushing into things like that is usually were people go wrong in relationships, people need to get to know each other before even knowing if that's what they both want.

But at the same time I don't want my time wasting if he's wanting a hook up he can leave there and then I'm in for the long run

[OlderAndWiser]

You can tell a guy, "Eventually, I what to meet the right guy, get married, and have children of my own." That doesn't mean that you think HE is The One!

[lexiflexs]

Yes but I’ve had guys looking for a hookups say things like that @OlderAndWiser Eventually I think everyone wants that for themselves but that doesn’t exactly mean they are ready to settle down at the moment with you. That’s a very general and broad way to say it in my opinion and they can overlook your point.

[lexiflexs]

So he/she could continue casually dating you with no goals of moving forward with such broad statements. The wording should be more personalised towards them so they don’t waste your timewithout being overbearing.

[OlderAndWiser]

@lexiflexs The question is targeted at initial dating experiences when you DON'T really know the other person and have NO idea whether you would ever see them as a LTR/marriage partner.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

I'm upfront from the get go... And personally feel everyone should be

[KrakenAttackin]

What are you looking for Brains?

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

@KrakenAttackin these days? Nothing

[KrakenAttackin]

Me too.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

@KrakenAttackin 👍👍

[moviedude714]

It's a reminder of my lifelong resentment of how guys have always been expected to make the first move or be the one to ask a woman out and how women almost never are the ones to ask a guy out

[OlderAndWiser]

@moviedude714 Men and women are different and there are different expectations for us. That's just the way it is. We aren't expected to be pregnant for 9 months, are we?

[moviedude714]

My guess is it has something to do with brain chemistry as to why women normally play a passive role when it comes to starting a relationship

[moviedude714]

Yeah why do I get the feeling it'll always be that way

[OlderAndWiser]

@moviedude714 Because it will always be that way and you're smart enough to know that.

[moviedude714]

Yeah I never liked it but sadly can't do anything about it, I always hated being the Hunter

[KrakenAttackin]

@moviedude714 And women are the first ones to bolt.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Thanks for mh 🌹

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Good question, thank you for asking it.
I'm not afraid, for the simple reason that my objective in the first dates is simply to have someone to spend time with. I don't think that far ahead and I'm not really interested in sex, so just time and company are good for me!

[Chikky]

I have that discussion first with them, if they're not into what I want, then I'll know the decision to take if whether to continue or not. Just saves a lot of heart ache

[KrakenAttackin]

@Chikky. Do you see how your attitude comes through? As though you are buying a pair of shoes. At your age you have all of the power, so make good use of it. Find a good man, don't cock carousel.

[Lisa_grl]

@KrakenAttackin What's a cock carousel lol?

[Jamie05rhs]

@Lisa_grl There are a bunch of guys who are sexually active. Girls rotate in and out from one guy to another. Eventually, as relationships (or hookups) come and go, one girl can make her way through most of those guys (and vice versa.). That's why it's called a carousel. Because you go around the circle from one person to the next.
... Kind of alarming imagery if you think about it; right?

[KrakenAttackin]

@Lisa_grl Riding cocks, one after another, like your 20's are a cock-filled amusement park.

[Jamie05rhs]

^Yes; that's another way of putting it.

[Apope16]

A lot of women on dating apps are time wasters who want attention. So i am upfront.

[MCheetah]

Not afraid. I tell them I want a female companion and partner through thick and thin. I basically want a best friend I can have sex with. I want to be able to laugh and tell jokes with them. And hang out and have deep philosophical conversations with. And go to the gym together and try to mutually lose weight and either have a competition in who can make the most gains/progress, or both get annoyed that nothing is working. I want to be able to look into her eyes under the covers while snuggling and have a telepathic conversation without saying a word to her. I want that. I want that cheesy, cliché, lame, unrealistic love that you always hear about.

I came close, one time. We never got to that level, but we were close after ten months and a then-future marriage down the line. But yeah, that's what I want. Sex would only be a side effect of romantic companionship. I don't want, nor need, casual sex. I want (and may or may not need) love, however. I wouldn't say all of THIS to a girl. But I always let it be known: I'm looking for a relationship down the line. How long that'll take to develop, if at all, is anyone's guess. But that's my goal. ... Or at least it was. I doubt I'll find that with any woman on this planet. So it's more of a fantasy wish than a life goal I'm pursuing.

Mi Amor... Before she passed away eight years ago.

[TruthBringer]

This is indeed a problem within my generation and the younger generations. The problem is that dating today is full of mindgames. The one who shows least care is the person who gets the upperhand. Hence the 'nice guys finish last' phrase.

From a guy's perspective, showing care and interest in a girl will often just 'turn her off'. Hence why so many (young) men turn bitter, start to resent women or don't bother altogether. Or those who do want to give things a try, will often adopt the 'bad boy' mentality that includes not showing much care.

In my own case, adopting the 'bad boy' mentality has helped me tremendously in getting with girls and managing to get in a relationship. And when it comes to telling them my goals, I don't just throw it all on the table. Even though I want to get married and start a family one day, I don't just throw that on the table the first couple of dates. I simply tell them my standards and requirements when it comes to long term dating and they are free to accept or not. If not, then we both don't waste our times any further. Telling them these requirements and that they can take it or leave it has always played in my favor.

[dangerDoge]

I think there is an important distinction here. It's red-light-and-run-away material in my opinion if I were to say "I want to get married to you" on a first date or whatnot. It's not an issue though to talk about long term goals and say "I want to get married one day." I think there is a fine line between the two, where one is making a ludicrous assumption the person is 'the one,' and the other talks about personal life goals.

I think it's fine, if not encouraged, to talk about the latter early on. I would do it. I think having long term goals that are compatible is an important part of a long term relationship. I'm not into hookups, but I think that if someone was going for casual sex, that is also something important to disclose too early on.

Granted, something like a LTR vs a STR is somewhat implied by the time first date rolls around usually, but I think it's ok to go a first date without discussing such topics. If it comes up, it comes up, but otherwise, you're just kind of getting to know each other. It's not that one should be afraid of discussing it, but rather, the first date or two is probably going to be a little chaotic anyways trying to get to know each other. I think finding general compatibility is a more important thing initially.

[Elsa143]

In my case it's the opposite.
When I was a teenage, i used to OPENLY say that I want marriage.
But now I HIDE it and don't even date anyone, unless I observe them thoroughly.
Because all my exes 'pretended' to be a good husband material. They will go to any extents to prove that they will marry me, love me forever and do anything for me.
But i caught their hidden agendas to manipulate me for sex, companionship and showing off me to other people. I believe in sex after marriage so they failed.

[Elsa143]

There are many desperate people nowadays. That's why it's risky to tell them your goals especially if you desire love and loyalty. Those desperate partners will start playing with your heart.

[KrakenAttackin]

@Elsa143. You can blame your mother and older sisters for destroying the institution of marriage. There are many, many, good reasons why men no longer want to marry.

[Knighted2170]

Not afraid of any of the options you have.

Why? I'm not emotionally invested in someone I don't know yet or how they may react. If I like someone I just tell them. If they react negatively, then it just saved us both time and energy. The universe just told me "nope, they are not the one for you."

Most of the time I get favorable responses by just coming out and saying what I want. A lot of times it allows them to do the same. I get into some really deep conversations that way.

[ChrisMaster69]

Hmm good question.

I’m on date 3 tomorrow.

I’m not afraid etc or any concern at the moment.

the thing is I just do not know what I want at the moment.

This entire thing has blind sided me and my friends all think it’s fucking hysterical.

Normally I’m the one doing the work, this time round I am a mere passenger lol.

We have not discussed any future yet, I may simply be a mere appetiser.

the end of the month should be humorous, as I see my ex wife and have my daughter for a bit, both will also no doubt find the entire thing funny.

The ball is firmly not in my court at the moment lol, I’m happy to see how things play out.

There is I guess, for me a huge amount of curiosity with the entire thing.

[razelove]

I know the outcome will not be sunshine and roses when I meet a new girl, start dating her in a poly relationship, and am clear that I do want a long term closed poly relationship. Most all of the women I/we have been with might say they want as much to, but actions and history say different. One to three months has been the running so far.

So yeah, that does scare me, knowing it likely will be casual to companionship for as long as is convenient, then they'll vanish like morning dew. Hope and desire are funny things though.

[devilish-cutie]

As i said on previous q i usually say i am looking for something more serious. Maybe not on the first date, you can get an idea about the person without being so blunt. There are also some other dealbreqkers before i drop that bomb.
However while online dating i say it pretty fast as there are plenty just looking to hook up and i feel its important as soon as possible find out what the guy is there for.
Saying i want marriage would make. me sound like religious freak. And like i just want a husband.

[0112358]

I think this is very timeline dependent.

when my wife and I started dating I don't think either of us were looking for a marriage partner. We were young and just interested in being a couple. We then decided to get married. I think it's pretty common if you're at an age where most people aren't married yet to not have a fixed "objective". They might be ready to get married in 2 years to the perfect partner, but they might also not get married for another decade. They're open to marriage but not actively seeking it out yet.

tbh I think some people are in the same space for casual sex vs relationships. They're looking for sex now. If it blossoms into more, great, if not, that's okay. They're open to a relationship but not exclusively driving towards one.

[HawkPerception]

I always get the big questions out of the way to begin with.

Are you looking for long term?
Are you religious?
Would you be willing to pay for yourself on dates?
How much communication are you comfortable with in a relationship?
How do you believe you build trust with your partner?
Do you believe in sex before marriage?
Etc.

I don't ask them like interview questions obviously, but ease them into each one. By the end of the first date, I usually know what I need to and whether we had chemistry or not to go for a 2nd.

[Anonymous]

Well that all depends on what you want in a relationship. I'd somebody told me they are looking to get married I think it would scare me because I don't like commitment or thinking that I have to do something its a end all be all.

That being said I go into a relationship simply because I enjoy spending time with the person. If eventually I do want to get married to them then I would. But I dont think you should say your looking for somebody to get married on the first day because you haven't even met the person yet. By spending time with them, you'll know if you want to marry them or not. You can say things that you don't want like you don't want just casual sex then I think that's fine they will either say yea me either or leave.

[OlderAndWiser]

A girl can tell a guy, "Eventually, I what to meet the right guy, get married, and have children of my own." That doesn't mean that she thinks YOU are The One!

[Opinion Owner]

I see what you mean. I just don't like the idea of somebody saying they want to get married on the first date. It makes feel like im being judged or interviewed for a job position and I would act less natural

[OlderAndWiser]

You are being evaluated on a first date. Absolutely. And aren't you evaluating her? Deciding whether you might want a second date with her?

[Opinion Owner]

Well yea I am but you know thinking about a 2nd date is a lot lower stakes than getting married

[sofiec]

What is the average age demographic of this site lol. It seems very slanted towards the forgotten generation

I am always up front and specific about my wants and needs. I make sure there are no grey areas and make sure they understand that I want communication and mutual agreement and trust. I don't care about marriage, and casual sex isn't for dating, dating is for romantic sex followed by the real fear: hoping they don't think I'm too weird in bed

[NathanDavis]

Never been afraid, my goal is always the same, I want a chance for us to get to know each other first, and then... whatever happens.

And I rarely or never have to explain that, we just start doing it right away.

Well, at least, this have been my approach so far.

[JackSmy]

I don't have a "goal" or "EXPECTATION" in any way! I meet someone, and we like each other, and we like to get together, and then get to know each other. I NEVER EXPECT ANYTHING, as that just FCKS it up, and Jynxes a good time together!!
I want to just love being with her, enjoying our time, without expectations, or needs for some 'relationship' shit.
Why can't we just be who we are, spend some time, and get to know each other, without having to think there must be some "END" thing?
I think that fcks up a lot of really good, casual, loving things, that two people can share, OVER-THINKING, and not just being in the moment, at the time, and loving being with that person, just now, and loving everything about that time, together!
Why does there have to be more, or a "plan" or "goal"?

[Avicenna]

No, I’ve always been pretty upfront about what I want, other than when J was a teenager, when I guess it was obvious.

And no one should be afraid to be transparent about it/ there’s no need to waste your time or theirs. There will be someone out there who wants the same- you just have to find them.

[Anonymous]

the true point of dating is to get to know one another so, that should be a topic of conversation at some point before things get serious one would think. but these days people want you pregnant by the end of the first date and thats people of all ages dating is very backwards these days

[Anonymous]

Even tho i am young, i am not afraid to tell them, cause i don't want to waist my time with someone who don't want to get married in the future.

I want to get married after i am 25 or 28 years old

I told my current boyfriend about my goals, the first time we talked and other times later after that. He has the same goal. We are just gonna take it easier, step by step.