Ever looked back on a failed relationship and wondered what might have happened if you had tried harder?

[OlderAndWiser]

I have had two relationships in my life upon which I periodically reflect and wonder what might have happened if I had tried harder. One relationship happened in 1980. It was a co-worker who I started dating and I really liked her, saw no warning signs or red flags, and we were very compatible, but the circumstances in my life led me to moving from Tampa back to Jacksonville. I should have tried to keep it alive over the distance but I didn't and I have heard from her in decades.

The other was an online acquaintance that could have blossomed into something more but there was a great distance between us. We talked for months and she impressed me as being a great woman and she undoubtedly would be a very loyal partner. I was willing to travel to meet her and then the pandemic hit us and there were travel bans imposed. The idea of waiting indefinitely overwhelmed me and I met someone locally who really wasn't a great match but she was here, a real flesh-and-blood woman who I could spend time with right now. And she was horribly hurt that I wasn't willing to wait for her. . . totally understandable.

The strange part is that they both have the same first name. And they had some of the same physical features.

That's my story; what's yours? [Please don't respond to tell me that no relationship is a failure if you learned lessons from the experience. I understand that but I still think of my exes as failed relationships.]

I've never had a relationship

I've never had a relationship that failed

My failed relationships always failed because of my partner's faults.

I've contributed to the failures of some of my relationships but more effort would not have made a difference

I know I caused some of the failures and maybe I could have saved at least one of the failed relationships, but I don't dwell on the past

Yeah, there's at least one relationship that I think I should have tried to save and maybe it would have been The One

[OpenClose]

In my first sort-of relationship, I was confused and didn't know how to interpret things.

In my first real relationship, my failure was that I didn't stand my ground against her manipulation. She would have been an awesome friend, but was way too toxic for a relationship. I couldn't have known that unless I tried. And I applaud my attempts at trying to see the good in people.

I had a relationship after that which was kinda simple and cute. Probably could have tried a bit harder on that one. She wanted to take things slower, so I kinda cut it off.

Had another relationship that I think had the potential to go splendidly, but I was allergic to her. After she moved away, I discovered she was using, like, raw almond and hazelnut extracts in her beauty routine. SHe has since married, had kids, divorced, got back together or something, and all kinds of other drama I'm best without.

My most recent case is probably one I could say I 'kinda' regret. We had been chatting a storm for about a year and she had apparently wanted me to make a move. Once I eventually did, she moved to a different country and started seeing a different guy. I only "kinda" regret not making a move sooner, because if she had feelings for me, she should have said something. If she thinks it's the "man's job", that a red flag. And I already told her why I was cautious about sharing my feelings.

So there's not much I "regret" except that I haven't tried very hard to form new relationships since then. I need to get out and get social, but since getting my own place, and now a house, it just feels harder to do.

[McKellar]

Yep, I have. I wasn't confident enough in myself and unfortunately the cost was way too high. Now I unfortunately do have to live with that through out the rest of my life. Something that impacts you that much and that bad,... that does tend to change you. Because of that traumatizing impact in my life, I have changed & I feel like I don't like the person which I became.

[OlderAndWiser]

If you are motivated, you can change yourself.

[McKellar]

There are some things about myself which I have changed for the better,... but that will never bring her back.

[lilyanony1]

I worked hard at my relationship until I got accused of cheating or name called or treated like some damn fling.
I hate that men say women are picky fussy and undecided. Actually in experience I've always been single straight talking and open to finding love.
But they all come with fugging baggage.

Their parents will disown them coz I'm black!
Im too black! I'm not quite black enough!
I'm not marriage material!
Im not exactly their ideal!
I'm apparently a whore! (even though I ain't doing a damn thing other than sleeping with them)
I'm not rich enough!
I'm too hairy!
I don't wear enough make up!
I can't offer them anything to enhance their life!

Oh fugg off with that crap!

If I allowed it I'd have killed myself for being such a worthless person!

But it's not actually me!
It's them!

And what I realise is that I don't have to put up with that crap!

So I'm happier on my own until I can find a decent human being with a penis!

[lilyanony1]

Thank you for mho x

[melanieeeB]

No but I have looked back to analyze it and with some I was thinking if one thing was different this might have worked out but I already gave my best and tried, so there is no harder trying on my side

[HighlyVolatile]

Sometimes because I find no end to my share of fault. Immaturity was always a huge problem with me in my earlier relationships and I at least contributed back in those days to escalating conflicts even if I didn't start them, and at least some of the women I dated might have been good for someone with a stronger temperament and a greater level of maturity.

I reflect back on these things though not with regret like I wish I did things differently so much (I can imagine no better match for me than my now-wife) than I'm hoping I learned enough from them that I don't repeat my mistakes in the future.

My philosophy has always been like this though:

A lot of my friends always thought I was too hard on myself when I shouldered all the blame to myself; they met my exes and saw that they weren't always the greatest of people. Yet I don't know what there is to learn if I was to start pointing fingers. I always had a side that wanted any future relationship to work out better and so I always found the lessons in finding potential improvements to my own behavior; I can't control what other people think and do.

[HighlyVolatile]

That's not to try to come across like some saint though. I'm no saint. It's just that I don't see what there is to learn by blaming my exes for every failed relationship. I had my part in it, always. It might even be motivated in part by vanity and the desire to be a great boyfriend, a great husband. It's not necessarily coming from the best of places. But I do reflect back sometimes on the past and try to take lessons on how to become better.

[HighlyVolatile]

As for all the things that could have been if I was better, or made different choices, I can only entertain such thoughts on the most shallow end. I'm too grateful for what I have now to be able to imagine that things would have turned out differently for the better if I had done things differently. I just hope I don't repeat my past mistakes at some point and that I've learned from the worst well enough to avoid it.

[HighlyVolatile]

I don't know if I navigated the last part of your request properly with my answer. Yet I've come to see failures as lessons in a sense. "What if?" is too much of a stretch of my imagination counterbalanced by looking at my own life today and asking, "What if not?" Maybe it was necessary for me to have these failures to make what semblance of success I made for myself now.

With one of my exes though, we got all the way to being engaged to be married. She was bipolar and difficult to deal with but also like a soulmate in terms of common interests, and maybe even more so than my wife. I think I could have made that work with the knowledge and whatever improvements to my maturity I now have today if I could travel back in time. Yet I might be in a far more miserable place now if I did.

[CuriousJC]

Whenever I'm in a relationship with a woman it's mostly her fault, because she is never satisfied. Always want more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and when I can give it to her then she breaks up with me. Especially when I don't have the money, then she breaks up with me. If I don't text her every now and then then she breaks up with me. The human heart is not to be toyed with, regardless who's in the relationship. I am sick and tired of getting my heart broken like a mirror keep putting the pieces back together just to break it again over and over till the pieces can't fit anymore. Apparently the woman always wants all of it in a relationship leaving the man to have none and then when the man retaliates then she wants to break up.

[OlderAndWiser]

If you keep choosing the same kind of woman to pursue, you will keep having the same outcome.
If you want a different experience, maybe you should accept some blame for the partners you have chosen and resolve to change your criteria.

[Cathy7734]

Tony Robbins says that we all have stories that we tell ourselves. These stories are the truth and are self-fulfilling prophesies. For example, if a guy says every woman I'm interested in wants my money. And he has concrete proof of this. This is his story. Guess what the next woman he is interested in wants? His money. He will "spin" reality so it's true.

So if you have a "failed" relationship it may have nothing to do with you but everything to do with the story that other person is telling him/her self. No matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, that person's story will always be true. It has to be that way.

[Telekinetic-Potato]

Most of the time, relationships end up not working out for me because we just weren't compatible. I feel like I usually go to pretty extreme lengths for the sake of the relationship.

Except for one girl who I broke up with to be with one of my exes who begged me to take her back. I was 18 and I didn't know how to think clearly in a situation like that yet. I really wanted her to love me.

So I dumped a girl who was better for me in almost every way and gave this other chick a last chance. Which blew up in my face.

[Red_Dawn123]

Yes. All of them. Reflecting on my past relationships in regards to why they ended and what I could’ve done to preserve them has yielded…mixed results for me. From Me questioning my own sanity and my mental health going to shit. To Me (rarely) seeing my flaws and actually learning from the mistakes I made. A mixed bag really. Sometimes It doesn’t seem worth the metal anguish reflecting on what is gone though. Because it IS gone. And wishing you would’ve done things differently and having a million “what if?”Thoughts seems kinda pointless sometimes. And sometimes it doesn’t. A part of me feels like even though it hurts and it sucks to think about what is gone…Sometimes that’s where the growth happens.

[ObscuredBeyond]

My history is a textbook study in trying to lead a horse to water. If might refuse to drink, drink a little and then rush suicidally into the deep part and get swept away for no clear reason, or even try to take you down with it.

Or, along the way, it will stop and eat something poisonous before you can stop it, then die before you reach the river. Or, it will be sickly, and die before you reach the river.

Or, it will run at the first sight of you approaching, and die in the desert of thirst. Or, bandits may capture the horse, effectively robbing you on your way to the river.

Or worse yet... you may go to the ranch where you were told the horse would be, only to find nothing but a hologram of a horse! And the salesman just led you on a wild goose chase!

So in the end, the water rancher has to arrive at the river edge, empty-handed and with no horse.

Substitute women for horses, and that's how my love life has been.

[ChrisMaster69]

I have a couple of relationships that ended mutually and on very friendly terms, these I often wonder what if.

First was my marriage while in the Royal Air Force, we divorced for a number of reasons, which to an outsider would seem odd or stupid. We are however still great friends and she stayed over at Christmas.

Another would be my recent ex girlfriend, we split in Dec 2019 as she was offered a very senior role with her company in Australia, it was a chance of life time for her. I decided not to go due to my job and also daughter. The plan was for daughter and me to flying out early summer 2020…. That obviously never happened due to Covid and that split just became bigger.

How would things have turned out without Covid…

there are some others but that’s main one.

[howhigh420]

My ex boyfriend hit me and other thing i wacked him back tried to control me arguing with me for the silliest thing always guilt tripping me nothing was ever his fault he said he called me horrible names said he would stop but never did then i found out he was cheating on me with 2 other girls behind my back and always called me a mongo but he was i always felt in my gut he was upto some shit was up his sleve nd hiding things he was giving it away to easy so i didn't regret anything i was putting way to much effort in to try nd help us but i was invisable his eyes always in his phone he didn't even notice things i was doing right in front of him mostly so i gave in it was that dick heads fault not mine not the guy i want a nice guy not one that still acts like a teenager at 28 years old fs thats what age he was

[Lucy68]

This is going to sound stupid to some but sometimes I'll think what did I do wrong in the relationship to make them want to go out and cheat. Sometimes I think maybe I wasn't doing more. I was already cooking them food, buying gifts, cleaning up after them, and give them all the love and support. Sometimes I wonder what did I do wrong.

[OlderAndWiser]

The most likely fault that you have is choosing the wrong people to be your partners.

[CallmeTheKnight]

Sometimes with this one particular relationship I had. In the beginning, If I were to have evolved into the man I am today, the both of us would've been married or at least living together. It was my lack of security in myself and emotions that pushed her away. As far as the rest of the relationships, they've served their purpose. I don't dwell on them and they weren't meant to be long term from the beginning, even if I wanted them to be.

I learned from them all and experienced different women over the years.

[Razp_Sorbet]

Not really. I'm a firm believer in if a relationship is right trying harder isn't a thing. It's kinda hard to explain but the best relationship I've had (my current one) has been the most simple, easy, low effort relationship and it's amazing and I feel like that's how it should be low effort, everything just comes naturally.

[Loveisgirthy]

Trying harder wasn't my issue. My problems lay in putting all my efforts in things that weren't going to fix anything. I spent weeks on gifts essentially and gave every day I had mostly to her. But distance and a white Christian background don't mix well and I was reading into things in ways that truly made no sense in reality. Real is real to the beholder. Anyway it was hell to get through and nothing to show for it. Just a figmented bridge of ashes slowly blowing in the wind. So, no. I tried harder than any relationship I've seen still today. I just needed better direction.

[Jamie05rhs]

Thank you for sharing that story with us. That took a lot of courage and vulnerability. I do have a lot of sympathy for you; I think I know what you're feeling right now.

Personally, I am somewhat of a cynic. So please don't emulate my attitudes. But I believe that a lot of people come into our lives, and if they aren't meant to be in our lives then they don't stay there. I always put a very decent amount of effort into my relationships and I don't ever "ice" anyone. If she flakes, that is 100% her fault. Not my problem. I'll find someone who actually cares enough to respond to my efforts.

[Oigit]

G: It was two broken people trying to make a relationship work and the end it didn't.

Both of us had no business being in a relationship. We both had serious issues that we needed to work on. As I started working on my I realized that the relationship was a road block to me continuing to work on my issues. So I had to leave. There was no trying harder for me. Because you have got to put yourself and your health first. So fixing the mess that way my head had to be my priority.

[MCheetah]

Option F: "Yeah, there is one relationship that I think I should have tried to save and maybe it would have been The One." I wasn't emotionally mature enough for her yet and she was older than me. I was also going through severe depression at the time, so I'm unsure if I even could've had the mental capacity to "save" it, given the situation.

[Diodoro]

Nope. I've been pretty straight forward about my wants, goals, and the like aswell what I'm willing and not willing to bend on. In some cases, "trying harder" isn't worth it.

If you lose who you are/want to be in the process it isn't worth it

[2Wheels]

Your LDR actually sounds like a situation I'm in right now.
He sent me a text tonight saying he thinks because of the distance and how things are that it's just going to be a dead end relationship. Makes me sad... I don't know what's going to come of it now. 😢

As for the poll choice, I do reflect back to my very first relationship that I gave up on so easily. There is some regret still lingering from that breakup unfortunately 12 years later.

[Allie2468]

No, because the one relationship I was in I did all the work to make it work, make him happy, and keep myself happy. It ended when he broke up with me because he “wasn’t happy” which was bull shit.

[OlderAndWiser]

So why did you choose him as your partner?

[Allie2468]

Because I didn’t realize that I was doing all the work in the relationship until after it had ended. I know better now.

[OlderAndWiser]

You have learned a lesson. That is how you become older and wiser!

[exitseven]

I dated somebody during a time in my life when things were not going good for me. I was going to a different school and I really hated it and I was broke all the time and I had to move back in with my mother.
Dating this girl was really the only ray of sunshine in my life. She was funny and liked to have fun and I was mired by all the crappy circumstances in my life. I am sure that I was not much fun to be around and I know that contributed to why she dumped me.

[Anonymous]

My ex would always talk about how his ex hurt him and he never really focused on us, no matter what I did to make him happy he would bring her up or say "you're gonna end up hurting me like her" ... just so that he dumps me then tells me he wants space. So I gave space and when the few times he contacted me and my dumbass goes to see him. All he wanted was sex only with no relationship so I stopped seeing him. No way I'm gonna try harder on that when he made me feel worthless