Do men ask out women with NO social skills who are super quiet? I feel like because I am this way, my life is ruined?

[Lyanet9]

I dont want to get into my life story. But i wondered if i was autistic (aspergers) because of this. But i can't diagnose myself. If its not autism then i would blame my upbringing and bad/neglectful parenting. (Yeah i went there, sorry). Either way, i have so bad social skills (im so quiet and can't hold convos... its hard to learn on your own starting in your late twenties) and i think this may be why my crush doesn't ask me out. Or any other crush.

[Anonymous]

This may be something you should consider getting diagnosed, more than anything it’s just so that you can know what you’re dealing with. If it’s mental illness such as Aspergers , a potential partner may want to know that you’re able to manage it and/or getting help to deal with it. My ex was autistic, which I didn’t find out until later in the relationship but it made his actions make a lot more sense. He wasn’t getting help for it, just diagnosed and I really wish he did.

[Just4ThisNow2]

True. An antidepressant such as an SSRI paired with behavioral therapy can be helpful.

[Opinion Owner]

Agreed🙏

[Just4ThisNow2]

The SSRI would address the biochemical factor while counseling/behavioral therapy would help one to develop appropriate and constructive coping strategies.

[Lyanet9]

may I ask, do you recognize your ex in the question description?

[Opinion Owner]

In some ways yes I do, but his methods of handling it were what was troublesome. He smoked a lot of pot when he got anxious about socializing with our friends, which arguably I felt it only made him more anxious and jittery but he disagreed. I feel like he had a social battery, and once it was drained he’d shut down and not want to talk for days. Sometimes it would really upset me and to take my mind off it I’d go out with friends, but he’d show up out of the blue and beg me very hard not to be mad, forgive him and how much he loved me. Those times was super overwhelming because I could tell he was so anxious and almost sort of scary how much he’d push these moods onto me. One extreme or the other. When he told me his condition and I’d address his behavior suddenly it was always like he would just nod and say “well I’m autistic”, and didn’t want to hear anything else.

[Lyanet9]

Oh wow. Sorry to hear that. He sounds immature and irresponsible, unwilling to grow up. But yeah I agree the problem sounds more like how he dealt with his issues rather than the fact he had aspergers issues.

[Opinion Owner]

Definitely agree! If his actions had to do with his autism, then I do think there could’ve been some coping mechanisms involved, maybe medication to take and generally having the help may have made a difference. Although I do believe maturity played a role too.

[babylina96]

They do! Show interest in your crushes, don’t wait passively. Might turn out they like you too😊

[Guy_No1974]

It sounds like you may be autistic or pod asbergers, you can go online and find lots of information about this, and there are online assessment tests that you can do, but a professional diagnosis would be better.
It might also be that you just haven't had enough experience in life and have merely become withdrawn because of it. If you'd like someone to talk to then feel free to message me, and I'll try and be of help for you.

[Lyanet9]

Since HS i was very shelteted. Omly like 2 years ago i was forced into homelessness. Talk about going from shelteted to living in a literal shelter. Thats when i was forced into the world like a babe.

[Lyanet9]

Withdrawn? Thats to put it mildly or kindly. I feel like an idiot tbh.

[Guy_No1974]

It sounds like you were treated badly, expected to fend for yourself, when you weren't given the tools to do so. So of course you've found things hard, you weren't equipped to deal with big wide world.

[Guy_No1974]

And you're not an idiot!
Not in any shape or form. I think that you need someone to talk to and to take you under their wing and help you build up your confidence.

[Lyanet9]

Yep. I haven't really had time to sit down and reflect that. I just had to get away from the bad situation and survive the past 2 years and still going. I dont know when it will end. I dont feel safe yet.

[Lyanet9]

Thanks i have no idea. I actually tried ti be under a guys wing. he was really confident but of course he was not the wing he was just trying to take advantage of an easy meal.

[Guy_No1974]

Yeah that sounds typical.. People can be such bastards.

But i do think that you need that kind of relationship. I mean with someone who will be kind and patient with you, Someone who will help build you up or stead of knocking you down.

[Lyanet9]

That would be great. Hope such a kind patient person exists.

[Guy_No1974]

Well I'm here if you want to talk.

[Lyanet9]

Thanks man

[Guy_No1974]

No worries.

[ArtemisSilver]

Have you considered going to a therapist? They can help with this kind of thing.

You need to at least make an effort to seem interesting/interested.

[Lyanet9]

Im poor and work a lot so I don't know

[Lyanet9]

Actually as a teen i went to a therapist and i didn't trust her and didn't open up to her lol so yeah... If i dont trust someone i dont see why i would open up

[ArtemisSilver]

You can get one via internet/webcam for pretty cheap. They'll give you exercises and stuff to try. You might even be able to find it for free depending on where you live.

Some therapists do a percentage of their clients pro bono for tax write-offs like lawyers do.

[ArtemisSilver]

I think there's even some free therapy apps on the android store.

[Lyanet9]

Thank you i want to check that out!

[ArtemisSilver]

Youper was the one I used, it's been a while but it was free and AI based. So nobody to make you nervous.

[Lyanet9]

Can they give a diagnosis? I think getting one would help a lot

[ArtemisSilver]

Yes and it charts symptoms and does journaling. Any diagnosis though would need to be validated by a real professional though if you need meds, even if it's just your family doctor.

[Lyanet9]

The app reviews say you have to pay for charts now ;(

[ArtemisSilver]

Oh Darn, well try some of the high rated ones off the app store, I'm sure there's a good one around somewhere.

[Lyanet9]

Cool thanksss

[Just4ThisNow2]

It would be interesting to hear more about your perspectives and experiences. I am a gregarious extrovert. I love great, intelligent conversation with people. I thrive in groups. Strangely, I seem to be attracted to more introverted women.

[Lyanet9]

Its mostly based on a lifelong of strong fear.

[Lyanet9]

Lifetime*

[Just4ThisNow2]

Given your circumstances and life experiences, what are you doing about this? What do you feel in the moment when you'd want to converse but feel unable? What are you doing to practice speaking with others in a safe way?

[Lyanet9]

I am trying to get used to saying hi to people. Thats honestly a tough one unless im more comfy with you. Many people seem nice but i still feel uncomfy saying hi first. It may just be fear. But at work i will often go around someone and pretend i dont see them just to avoid the hi how are you thing. I dont always know when/how/if i should ask how they are and stuff. It gets stressful.

But i am working on being comfy with learning and doing small talk and trying slowly bit by bit to initiate it with people im mostly comfy around. I have no frends. So thats a goal for now- to make friend (s) and always my main life goal is to become a stay at home wife and mom.
I have problems with stammering and many times physically feel a block preventing speaking.

[Just4ThisNow2]

You're not the only person that feels this way. Still, take the pressure and fear off yourself. Most people are harmless, social creatures that are not looking to make your life worse. There are many constructive ways to address social anxieties. You can start by exploring this on your own terms when the outcome really doesn't matter. For example, try speaking to at least one or two unfamiliar people each day. You can ask random people what time it is, comment upon the weather, or ask if they've seen the section where soup is located in a store. Try holding the door for people as this will challenge you to handle simple compliments from those that pass. If you'd like other ideas, just sent me a message.

[Lyanet9]

Thank you. One problem with that though is I would hate to waste anyone's time with fake made up questions lol. But maybe I can think of ways to just have small talk that doesn't pretend to need something.

[Just4ThisNow2]

No one cares. You're not wasting other people's time. It's a non-issue. Do not work against your best interests by assuming that you are a burden.

[Lyanet9]

Thanks man i have to think about that, the burden part. Thats kinda deep. Hits deep.

I wish i knew a really confident extrovert guy who was a good guy too. I used to have one at work and i liked that about him and liked following him around like his pet. I will admit i had times i was envious inside of his abilities. The bad part was he was kinda abusive to me and it really hurt me. But if you're a good guy to people who are introvert, on behalf of them i say thank you

[Just4ThisNow2]

No worries. Feeling like a burden is a common issue. What's fascinating is that only you will see yourself as a burden and not others that are involved. Our anxious minds play tricks on us making us fear all sorts of unreasonable and incorrect things.

If it helps to think about, how significant of a burden might you be imposing upon others? Are you asking someone to sit silently to listen to a 3-hour dissertation upon sea moss? Are you asking someone to take you grocery shopping, push you around in a cart, and pay for all of your groceries? Are you merely asking someone what time it is, whether or not they've come across soup in a store, or their casual thoughts upon the weather? DING, DING, DING!

There are plenty of us (women too) who are confident, extroverted, and decent human beings. I've had many introverted friends with similar difficulties. Once again, you're welcome to drop me a line if you'd like.

[clampfan101]

I might. The main issue is that I’m like that too. 🤣

[Lyanet9]

Can i ask why?

[clampfan101]

I’m shy and quiet. I’m not good at starting conversations or explaining things. I’m always super hard on myself, and don’t know why.
Also I’m so used to being quiet that I worry about accidentally talking too loudly if I try to speak up.

[Lyanet9]

I feel you. Nobody's perfect.

[Lyanet9]

How do you feel when people try to get close like they start convos with you trying to talk about you or get you to open up? I tend to be way too guarded

[clampfan101]

I’m open to people who come to me, but I never get more than a “Hi.” offline…

[Lyanet9]

Ohh wow. Yeah its hard.

[IHateBeingaMan]

being this way won't affect you as much since your a woman, since your not expected to escalate things or lead interactions like men are

[OddBeMe]

Not having any social skills will set you back. Why don’t you like talking?

[Anonymous]

Closed mouths don't get fed. That's just reality.