What is a good way to make sure the person you are seeing does not feel comfortable with ambiguity?

Question

I can’t deal in ambiguity it really messes with my peace. I know some people are concurrence with leaving things loose or even enjoy intrigue, that isn’t me. And the biggest issue I have when people are comfortable with ambiguity is they have no incentive to be honest. I’m not saying they I tend to lie or will lie just that for those who are Indifferent to clarity , they have no real drive towards honesty.

I will always have a powerful incentive to be honest and it’s not bc I’m morally superior but bc I dislike chaos and for that reason, I hate ambiguous communication. I will be honest bc I seek clarity for all invoices.

am I always clear- no. And it is considerably more difficult to be cheat with someone who is being vague bc it always takes energy to sort out what is going in. Are they confused are they unsure are they just having fun messing about.

I wish to be clear tho and that seems to make a huge difference. It is hard enough to be vista when one wishes to, imagine the uncertainty of charity for these who are not much bothered.

The fact guys tend to initiate things more often than women actually makes it harder to detect bc the knitted directness isn’t necessarily indicative of their ability or desire to be clear, rather a default cultural setting that if not followed through will cut their opportunities. I find it takes a while to determine a person being direct as apposed to cliche’

i e asking out calling planning something saying their feelings— all this can be accomplished very early in and then they can revert to ambiguity land if that’s their comfort zone.

this is why ideally, I prefer to ask guys out - bc it’s Easter to gushed a persons directness when they did not plan the scenario. but it’s hard to manage bc if a guy I’m into is into me, he usually gets to it before I get a chance. Bc I also don’t like to rush. And if he’s really patient, it’s usually bc he’s not interested lol

What is a good way to make sure the person you are seeing does not feel comfortable with ambiguity?

Updates

1 y

So I don't know anyone have any non traditional techniques of determining if you’re going to be dealing with a flake or player or someone who just stresses out anytime things are concrete— vs someone comfortable with both being & receiving, direct communication?

im not putting options, bc I have no clue.

Forgot to check for typos 🤭🤭🤭 SORRY

Updates

1 y

A user below summed this up nicely👇🏻🙏🏼

“Comfort with ambiguity can be a general personal trait, or a ruse for someone to circumvent a perceived difficulty in persuading another person into a relationship. In the first case,”

PROBLEM is if he is actually prefers to be direct but is shy for whatever reason with me— then I get a false negative. 🤔 Tho tbh, I do not mind ambiguity emerging from genuine struggle, I can be patient with that. It’s the ruse I find disturbing.

hahahmm · Accepted Answer

Men aren't women. We tend not to blather whatever thoughts are in our heads or to say how we feel in the moment because, as you said there are social norms. And guys who speak every random thought in their head tend to get punched out or killed. We don't have the same experiences in life that you women do. We learn to respect others in how we speak and behave. Not only because we can be physically attacked or go to prison but because we know how it feels to be disrespected and we don't do that to other dudes for no reason at all. To think ahead requires giving your thoughts time to settle. To consider different angles. To listen more than you speak. And I think most of us guys are honest with our feelings in the sense that if we want to bang you on day 1, we show it. That could be the 100% full extant of our feelings on that day. Then based on how you act... how much self-respect you have, how you treat us & others we may later develop other thoughts. We don't know on day 1 what we will think about you on day 10 or day 45.

As for guys who aren't upfront about what they want, well those guys aren't even real men in my book. I'm not saying a guy has to be vulgar but there's a different between a guy who pretends to be your friends because he secretly gets off on the sexual tension and a guy who makes a move.

I will say this tho.. the more you respect yourself, the more likely you'd find a guy who respects you and not only knows what he wants but isn't going to settle for someone who isn't on the same page. So if you keep attracting guys who aren't sure what they want & can never know what they want it's an indication that you're not sure enough to filter that kind of guy out.

And, you as a woman starting things with a guy can also send the message that you have masculine energy or that you're desperate/needy for him. These are bad messages if he's the type of guy who can get any/lots of women. You know the type of guy most women consider to be high value as opposed to guys who literally or figuratively live at the YMCA homeless shelter and are begging for a woman to adopt them for the benefits they get out of it.

Also, the gold standard -- for guys who DO think and have goals - is marriage. You're not getting a ring from that guy unless you won 5 Olympic gold medals worth of being wife material. Especially in a world where a woman can divorce the guy and he loses 60% of his wealth plus alimony, child support & child custody.

ZackBan · Accepted Answer

"Only a sith deals in absolutes"

But joke's aside, with things like that it helps to call someone out on it especially if you're intersted.

You can say "look, I see what you are doing but I would much rather you were straight with me about what you want"

A guy with a backbone will hear that and switch off his cliché game tactics for a more direct approach.

A guy with no backbone will be scared away which is not a loss as far as you're concerned

roxy_362 · Accepted Answer

Comfort with ambiguity can be a general personal trait, or a ruse for someone to circumvent a perceived difficulty in persuading another person into a relationship. In the first case, i. e. if it's the normal conduct of a person, he can be hardly blamed for his tendency to ambiguity also in personal relationships, since that's his approach to most things in life. Akin to this, is thriving in uncertainty, which is loved by the global employers of 21st century.

In the case of your question, if a man uses ambiguity as a tool to manage or initiate a relationship with you, it may be hard for you to distinguish which one of the two cases above you're dealing with. Conversely, if you're up against a man who may not feel comfortable with ambiguity, I think you'll see that fairly quickly, from his overall behavior, which may not be related to any personal transaction between the two you. As he talks about his work/school, or even about local or global politics, I think a more straightforward man would give himself away rather quickly.

Pinay_ako · Accepted Answer

I hate that! Oh do you wanna go out watch a movie? They answer I don't know do you wanna watch a movie? Like bro! I just asked you! 😑

OlderAndWiser · Answer

The problem is with guys being ambiguous about what they want in a relationship?

Lliam · Answer

You're genuine, Vivant. I love the way you think. You'll make a wonderful partner for the right person.

I agree that honesty and communication are of paramount importance. But sometimes people don't even know their own minds. You said it very well.

A lot of people are motivated by sexual desire. They want a boyfriend/girlfriend. They have other hopes, dreams and desires, too, but sex can take precedence. Knowing their inner goals is very difficult if they, themselves, aren't clear about them in their own minds.

Unfortunately, I don't have any suggestions for gauging people other than getting to know them. But in getting to know someone, sometimes you get hurt. It's all trial and error.

RealMarek · Answer

I don’t know of any foolproof ways around the problem of someone initially not being ambiguous then later being ambiguous. What I would advise is to take relationships slow because a man’s real intentions, should he be trying to hide them or if he is simply not clear about them, are more apt to become clear with time than during the first several dates.

loveslongnails · Answer

Ambiguity: "the quality of being open to more than one interpretation; inexactness".

My screen name is ambiguous, but there wasn't enough room to make it "love long nails on females only". And believe me, I get shit about it because (mostly) guys think it's about myself and presume I'm gay. 99.5% of women get it right, however. LOL

Anonymous · Answer

One universal truth I've learned about people in 40+ years of living. People are inconsistent, they're walking contradictions, they say one thing and do another. I don't waste my time trying to get ANYONE to conform to anything. I accept what they're willing to give. And when it's consistently less than I expect I cut them out of my life. I'm not going to ask ANYONE to stay in my life you either care about me enough to give me due respect or you don't.

MysticDevice · Answer

I think the best way to find out is to directly ask. Like "hey, do you give straight answers or do you skirt around a bit"

I like a little mystery and intrigue but only if a situation does not require a yes or no answer.

Anonymous · Answer

Ambiguity really bothers me too since I worked a lot with programming. Unless I am 100% clear on what I want the computer to do, it will not do what I want it to do.

A lot of programmer jokes involve making really weird assumptions about a command but the assumer cannot be blamed for making it because you can see why the conclusion was drawn.

WindAtMyBack · Answer

Using a spell checker and proof reading makes things less ambiguous. So the question is, was my answer ambiguous or unambiguous?

Still-alive · Answer

Well one good way I've been doing is to ask what things or subjects really make them uncomfortable to talk about and then always respect those boundaries. Respecting boundaries in general goes a long way.

RosieMelts · Answer

I don’t even need to share an opinion on this you know the answer 😂🤝 love itt

Chazmatazz269 · Answer

If you’re always very clear, then people will come to understand that you value clarity and specificity. If you challenge them when they’re less clear than you’d prefer, that also sends a message. But you have to be perfectly clear yourself all the time. Otherwise you’re just another hypocrite and nobody likes a hypocrite that’s not themselves.

Juxtapose · Answer

Date an autistic guy, we HATE ambiguity for similar reasons and we suck at it.

Samantha_17 · Answer

Ambiguity is a fact of life. Life makes no sense. :)

Philyouup · Answer

i agree , communications. flap those lips and wag that tongue , be head ans understood

GoodGuyBreakingBad · Answer

I would say respect boundaries I'm a slow learner when it comes about the word ambiguity ((( Hugs )))

Aakash_Hangargi · Answer

Lol that is so you and me 😝 call me a taxi 🚕🚖😂😂

Anonymous · Answer

Date an autistic contract lawyer?

Jamie05rhs · Answer

I AGREE!!

Zolly99999 · Answer

OMG I hate that so much !!!😠

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