My best friend and son have feelings for each other and want to date. They asked for my blessing. I'm shocked and confused. What should I do? (Page 2)
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Give them the blessing. But don’t let that relationship ruin your relationship with either of them.. their relationship is theirs and if it doesn’t work out that’s on them.
How can I honestly give them my blessing when I'm so weirded/grossed out by it and suspect it may just not be a good idea?
They’re both adults. They can do as they please. Just wish them the best and hope and pray things don’t get awkward.
But. Truthfully, I think you should let them choose what they want to do.
A relationship also isn’t just about sleeping with someone. That should come later anyways.
I mean…. I can understand things might be awkward but. I mean. They aren’t family. One isn’t underage. So… I mean. Maybe some people have moral objections. But. I don’t really feel that way.
It is not clear how long she's been your friend. If she was 18 and he was 4 when you and she became friends, it kind of stinks of grooming. If he was 20, then that is different. But either way, as others have said he is an adult
She didn't meet/know him until he was 22 (three years ago)
So they were both adults. The dilemma I see is that they are putting you in a tough spot, whether it works out or not.
I would sit down with the two of them and tell them exactly what you just told us. It's likely that the ball is already rolling to the point where it's going to be a little weird no matter what you choose, so it's better to voice those concerns.
But I'm so confused as to exactly where I stand, what I want to tell them, and how I want to handle this situation moving forward. On one hand, I feel so massively weirded out (even disgusted) by this, somewhat doubt it'll work out, am worried this could be a mistake for them, and am worried that if the relationship doesn't work out it could affect the relationship we have with each other (perhaps even the relationship I have with each of them)? I'm worried that if the relationship fails things won't be able to go back to normal between the three of us. I also think there's a very good chance the relationship won't work out with them (for pretty apparent/self evident reasons)
At the same time, I want to be there for them and support/love them in whatever way I can.
Even though I'm super weirded out by this I still deeply love my best friend as I'd love a sister. I also deeply and powerfully love my son as pretty much every mother powerfully loves her child. None of that changes at all in this situation (even though I find it super weird/disgusting)
In all honesty my feelings on this are very complicated (and I consequently really don't know what exactly to say to them or how to move forward in all of this). Yes, I am super weirded out/disgusted by their relationship. Yes, I think there's a really high chance it won't work out. However, part of me honestly can see how it would possibly work out really well (even if I do feel super weird/gross about it). For one thing, they're both highly physically attractive (which I'm sure helps) They do get along super well. I've always known they've had a very strong personal connection with each other (I just thought it was a platonic friendship strong connection, not a romantic/sexual one). They both have a lot in common. They're both on the same page with wanting kids (which is often a huge dealbreaker in these sorts of relationships. However, she may want kids sooner than him, which still could be a problem). They're both incredible human beings.
Even though there's a huge part of me that's weirded out/grossed out over this, there's also a large part of me that really wants to get to the place where I can be happy, supportive, and optimistic about their relationship. Who knows, if I can get over being super weirded/grossed out by the thought of my best friend and son romantically/sexually being together then having my best friend (I love like a sister) become my daughter in law might actually be pretty awesome. A large part of me really hopes I can get to that point (and even hopes their relationship does work out super well for them, even if I do have very conflicting feelings about it)
With that being said, how exactly should I go about voicing my concerns so that I express them in the best way possible to my best friend and my son? How can I be honest about my concerns while still honestly expressing my love for them and my desire to support them (even if I'm not quite truly there yet)? Would it be best to discourage this with love (perhaps save them some pain) or to support it (maybe it'll work out great)? How should their relationship work into the relationship we have with each other (and I have with each of them)? How should I best express that to them in order to help it all move forward in the best way possible?
I'm really struggling how I feel about this, what I should feel about this (maybe not the same thing), what I need to do moving forward, and what I need to say to them when I speak to them next. It's all exploding in my mind and I really don't know what to do (and I need help!)
Tell them your concerns, and tell them that you're not going to stop them but you're not 100% sure that it's a good idea and they should move cautiously.
Do you have any particular pointers on how I should go about doing that in the best way possible that expresses my concerns as well as my love (and hope) for them honestly?
Make them each a Franklin Diagram. Or actually, make 3 of them. One for each relationship that is going to be impacted.
What's a Franklin Diagram? Why/how do you think it would help?
It the one where you make two columns, one for "Pro"s and one for "Con"s.
And it would help because it would be an easy and efficient way to get your concerns across. And it wouldn't sound like you're being entirely negative; it would be a balanced approach. I think they would appreciate it.
And asking for your blessing is also weird I’d say? you can say how you feel, and then they do whatever they want as adult? As long as there’s boundaries and no lie it’s okay…
They both care a lot about me and are concerned how I'll react. They really want to know I approve of their relationship because they value their relationship with me (which is something I very much appreciate). They also want to know their relationship won't be hurtful to me
Yeah yeah I suppose, I guess the situation itself is weird and challenging. They are still adults, if you give your ‘blessing’ I don’t think it sends the right message to any of them, especially not your son… it becomes a trio (you become involve because you make a decision regarding their relationship, even if they don’t listen) instead of them two which is even worse… so yeah I’d just be honest about how I feel and stay out of it… they could have decided and then told you, like a normal couple I guess, but it’s already not starting well
It's a bad idea, your friend is to old for your son and anything that will last and it will just remain odd in the future.
She 39 years, would she be able to give birth? though she knows that she running out of time.
I guess I don't know for sure, but it's fairly common for in their late 30s/early 40s to give birth. She also keeps herself in excellent physical shape
She is aware that she's getting to the end of her childbearing years and still really wants kids. Consequently, I'm worried that (if they get to that point) she could pressure my son into getting her pregnant sooner than he feels that he's ready (and just the idea of him getting her pregnant makes my skin crawl with how super crazy weirded out I get when I even think of that possibility)
He should be ready if he date a woman so much older than him. You said that he mature.
That's true, but she still may pressure him into getting her pregnant sooner than he'd otherwise like. Maybe that wouldn't be the case. Maybe he'd be all on board. However, I do think it's a legitimate possibility (if they get that far, anyways)
Thats very mature of both to ask you for your permission before going ahead, which shows how much they care and love you.
Relationships are not based on age gap, some days its good some days bad and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. We can really predict in short!
Let them go ahead and see how it works, but you won't be able to know their sex life lol.. as mostly all girls share it with their best friends how is it going... :P
Talk to them first with your son alone. Tell him all pros and cons. I am pretty sure they are having sex and stuff so compatible with each other but he needs to understand that he has sexual life of 40 years whereas she won't have that much.
I don't quite understand what you mean (especially that last part). Could you phrase it differently as to make it easier to understand what you're trying to say?
Your son's sex life has just started and will go on for 40 years at least whereas your friend will hardly be attractive to him after 10 years and her sexual life will also end mostly or reduce a lot.
So you don't think it's possible for an older woman-younger man relationship to work out long term?
Also, she keeps herself in pretty incredible physical shape. She's in much better shape than even probably most girls his age. Sure, her body will change as it ages. However, I also think she'll keep a lot of physical attractiveness by staying in such good shape
Yes but still give them a chance.
give them a chance for what? I thought you said he'd become unattracted to her in 10 years and break things off.
That is true but what about their feelings and happiness right now.
I know that my friend wants whatever relationship she's in to work out long term. Consequently, if it's not that's not something she'd want.
Is the only reason you think it wouldn't work out long term is because he'd loose attraction to her as she ages?
Nope that is just 1 factor, what about age related illness, also you need to understand he will eventually still be at peak of his sex life throughout his 40's when she will be almost of a granny age.
As I said, she keeps incredible care of her body and is in amazing physical shape. Consequently, I think illness is a lot less likely for her as she ages (although obviously it'll eventually happen, but probably in much longer than 10 years). Also, her keeping in super great physical shape will likely keep a lot more of her attractiveness as she ages than the strong majority of women keep
Yeah i feel in your mind you have both choice, loved ones happiness as well as concern. Let them have fun and we can see what happens in future.
Do you have any idea how I can stop feeling so weirded out/grossed out about their relationship (and instead feel happy and supportive)?
You are weirded out because one of them is of kind of your generation and another one is your son, one generation below.
So either you can think your son is a grown up man who is not way younger than you (which is difficult) or you can think of your friend as way too younger than she is or channel yourself into thinking about becoming a grandma if you love babies a lot.
There probably already in a relationship that you can’t stop so why not give your blessing but let it be known you’re just going to sit back with the popcorn and watch the train wreck
Well after you get over the initial "it's weird for you" part. It sounds like they would get along great.
How do I do that though? I mean, this is super weird.
Also, I'm not sure if that's the case in terms of a romantic relationship. Sure, they've got stuff going for them, but it's still a big age gap
Age is just a number. You are kinda have to let give up some control and let them figure it out for themselves. But of course you can be there for them. If they are happy, then let them be happy.
It's not just the age thing though. It's also the fact that it's my best friend and my son
Yes, so be happy for them. It's not about you, it's about them. Support them like you always would.
I say make sure they know how you feel about it, and then think about giving them any sort of blessing.
What exactly should I tell them?
"I think it's super weird that you two want to date, but I can actually see why you could work out really well together. However, I also think that the age gap will make things unlikely, but not impossible. I don't want to get in the way of what you two want, but be patient with me in getting used to this. Also, make sure to always use birth control/wear a condemn. Furthermore, I want to know as little as possible about your sex life."
I'm not sure if that's the best thing to say to them, but that's more or less how I feel. I'm trying to think of something better, but I haven't been able to yet. I really want to be supportive. I really do care about both of them so much. It's just so weird and a huge part of me thinks it's a bad idea (but I don't want to tell them that)
What you just posted sounds perfect.
Is it? It's not exactly supportive
You are voicing your opinion.
That's true, but I feel guilty about my opinion. I love both my best friend and son. I want to be supportive of their choices and what they think will make them happy. I really wish I felt better about this, but I don't.
I understand.
Do you have any idea what I can do to get to the place where I do feel better/more supportive of their relationship?
Prepare for the status of your relationships with both to change.
If it's as strong as you suspect, they're still going to get together - just not as open around/with you.
You should tell them what you're concerned about. Then see what happens from there.
They are both adults and ought to have the opportunity to live their lives fully. Let them go for it and request that you are kept out of it, if that’s what you want.
They are going to do what they want to do, blessing or not. Don't make this more difficult - it's not like you can stop them.
there's no way either of them are serious it won't last a year.
And they 100% already had sex just so you know
Why don't you think they're serious? Why don't you think it'll last a year? Why are you so sure they've already had sex?
Nvm keep playing your little game out. I mean i shoudlve known the type of person you are. Look at your son and your best friend
I just want to know why you think what you're thinking/what your reasons are for thinking what you think.
Why don't you think they're serious? Why don't you think it'll last a year? Why are you so sure they've already had sex?
NEVER MIND. Annoying bitc
Let them be open about it, so they do not go behind you
They're being open about it, so that's not an issue. The issue is the other stuff I mentioned
Let them figure it out
Why not? Why do people have inhibitions with an age gap? If it works, it works.