How do we manage to stay single?

[VianneRoscher]

I haven't been in a relationship for nearly 4 years now. This number is terrifying. I did go on dates but none of them worked out. Either my expectations were too high, or theirs.
What amazes me is that we manage to stay single and face loneliness even though there are so many single people around us. How come it's so difficult to find the one who matches you? I'm sure there are lots of guys around the world who'd love to date me, and I'd love to date them but we don't have the chance to come across. After this thought, next one is, why isn't there a platform to help us out... and the answer is "there is"... and it's called a dating app. The idea is so great, but who takes it seriously anymore? Why can't I write down "Hi, I'm X, I'm looking for this and that kind of guy, let's try and see if we can work it out"?
This is rather a rhetorical question. I imagine what most of you will write under this post, but I just had to get it out of my chest. I wish it was easier to meet people instead of wandering around, hungry for love.

[SueShe]

I am single because I WANT to remain single. This is my choice and conviction. Life has proved that my decision was the right one.

I keep saying it over and over again but for all those that have not yet heard my arguments, here they come.

I do what I want whenever I want
I clean my own mess only
I have the freedom to do as I want without having to take others into consideration
I don't have the pressure to deliver or perform the way others want
I only have to worry about my own stupidity and nonsense
I can cry watching a romantic movie without getting those looks from a tough guy
I go to bed whenever I want and above all, alone
I don't go on others' nerves when I am moody
I eat what I like and only cook for one person and not an army
I save money by not having to go out or to a restaurant
I decorate my place to my liking
I have no mistrust issues
I could tell another million and one other arguments

And to all those that argue that the most important is missing, I say no, I do not place importance on what you are thinking of and to me it is not a loss not to have it.

[VianneRoscher]

Is your age correct? Are you 20?

[SueShe]

That is absolutely correct.

[VianneRoscher]

I see. I am happy you feel content by being single. The most important part is that you're saying these things to convince others that it's what you want and not yourself. I love living alone and enjoying my life too. It surely has its advantages, but it does feel lonely sometimes.

[SueShe]

I can imagine it can be lonely if you cannot or don't know how to occupy yourself or if you have too much time to think about loneliness. Those thoughts will take you down eventually and you might even start to be anxious or even get into a depression because you know your time is ticking away.

But if you are active and get busy with yourself, you don't have time to think so negatively about being single. Take a hobby or join a club where you can meet people that share the same passion as you do. Being able to have common interests is positive and who knows, maybe you may even find the right person for you...

[VianneRoscher]

Believe it or not but I've been doing exactly what you said. Not on purpose though, just living my life. After all, if for any reason you don't have a significant other, your life still goes on. BUT you can't stay away from thoughts about love for far too long. Well, in my case it has indeed been long.. so...

[SueShe]

I think I can understand you. However, you have to be cautious that those thoughts are not starting to dominate and rule your life and that you live your life around your thoughts and about what you are missing.

My fear is that when you think you found the right person, you will hang on to him (or her) for dear life and that you may be misused because that person will realize that you are so desperately looking for love.

[Truthatanycost]

If someone feels lonely when they are alone, then being with another in an attempt to solve this is probably missing the root cause. I believe loneliness to be more about the quality of the physical, mental and spiritual relationship that you have with yourself. Once you improve this then loneliness is transmuted into solitude. Such a path is likely to involve stillness, meditation and being present at the very least.

What happens to the person that enjoys being with themselves just as much as they enjoy being with another? I think they are more likely to remain single, or have higher standards..

[VianneRoscher]

SueShe, I absolutely agree with you.

Truthatanycost, you're also right, but that's not my case. I mean I am more fine with my own company. Although, I sometimes get scared of the idea that I might get used to it and choose to never share my time with anyone else.

[Dreamclouds]

@SueShe You have a bit of a bad opinion about people, pitty, I hope you do find love and someone with who you can make all those things togheter since two people can really be twice the happiness sometimes.

[Twalli]

Minus cooking for my girlfriend everything you said you can do because you aren't in a relationship, I do in a relationship. My girlfriend and I go to bed when we want. We just do it together. There have been times we went to bed, couldn't go to sleep, and got up again. My girlfriend and I have complete trust in each other and therefore we are our true selves 100% of the time.

[SueShe]

@Twalli Congratulations to you and your excellent relationship :-)

[serious]

@SueShe

I understand and it is good to know that you are happy in your life and that is what is important.

[lucas262]

I'm 27, iv never dated, never had sex never kissed. Not for lack of trying.

Probably because I was homeschooled. Grew up very sheltered.
Then did work that was pretty isolating for years.
Then i got a different job but Don't go out except to work, shop and gym.

I practice the policy of not shitting where I eat so I don't pick up women at the gym or at work.

I tried the apps a number of times but never had much more than a paragraph or 2 in response.

I worked on myself, job, car, gym, hygiene, clothes.

Asked a sister why she didn't hook me up with 1 of her friends. She said she'd never do that to them and never misses an opportunity to remind me iv got not girl, and tells other people I got no pussy. When it would have made my day if a girl had texted me good morning.

I go on about life getting older. I used to think its because I wasn't rich. But ots of guys aren't rich.

Or that I was ugly, people told me I was good looking and iv seen women with less attractive guys than me.

Now I'm convinced something about me I can't see but everyone else can, repels women. I used those apps as much to end my loneliness as much as to stop the bullying I received.

I don't know what to do about it when I tried to confide in people close to me they either bullied me Harder or told me I just needed confidence and how easy it is and I worry too much. Then most of my friends got married or got gfs and I can't relate to them anymore I wanted that for myself. I wanted to feel wanted.

I'll never admit this kind of thing irl again and I feel emasculated just writing it here.

There are people online saying get jacked and get rich
But if im only deserving of love then, isn't it all disingenuous?

[VianneRoscher]

For the past four years I've been living in a country where I am an expat and finding a partner is rather difficult. Trust me, sometimes the looks don't matter. I always tell myself we need to go out more to meet new people. I hardly ever do it, but that's still what I'll suggest you to do. I completely agree with you on "don't sh*t where you eat", so I think it's better to find some activity groups. Something you may enjoy doing and who knows, maybe you meet someone there.

[VianneRoscher]

PS oh and if it's you in your profile picture then you're definitely handsome 😊 You have captivating eyes.

[Anno2]

I think the body decides when it comes to real love. You can decide money or intelligence is attractive but it's learnt. It will stay at attraction, love is more raw than attraction.

Most cruel joke anyone played on me was faith, met the one at the wrong time.

[VianneRoscher]

Oh yeh, been there, done that. But you know, I am grateful I ever got to meet him.

[Katebfun]

I truly believe Love is divine timing and Fate. It has to be. You only fall in love 3 maybe 4 x a lifetime.

Why is it you're single for several years date casually or go on many 1st dates. Either you don't like them or vis versa. If you do meet someone where you both choose each other its a struggle or they don't want to commit..

****Then Fate/Destiny happens you both choose each other, everything, limey everything falls into perfect place with little to no effort. You don't have to over think or worry, you just know and it flows. So that's why in my opinion, I might be the minority of this belief but it makes no logical sense!!

Single for going on more than 5 years. Have let it go and still nothing..

[jennifer_bloom]

If you ask me, dating is a waste of time unless your partner appreciates you and there is no appreciation when a woman meets you for a movie 2 days after you discover she exists, I think dating apps make love cheap by not putting purpose and context behind your relationship, there is no mutual survival and growth and struggle and co sharing, it’s just randomized image and food bytes, not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Probably the biggest reason is the older people get generally the more baggage they have and the more cynical they are. This is a deadly combination as they are less willing to compromise but are more judgmental.

I won't even ask women out anymore. It's simply not worth the effort. Before 40 belongs to women after 40 belongs to men. If women past 40 want a relationship they need to make it worth our wild. 🙂

[VianneRoscher]

That's a tough game.

[Opinion Owner]

Well that's the point. People are not games to me. I figure the woman that wants to take the time to know me gets MY effort.

[slatyb]

Match. com worked for me and my wife. I pretty much did as you suggested, described myself and who I was looking for.

[VianneRoscher]

Oh, I'll take a look at it. Thanks for the tip.

[slatyb]

The hook is that they will show you people who have not paid. You can write to them but they may not respond. Still it worked well for me.

[VianneRoscher]

I tried signing up, but seems it doesn't accept the zip code of the country I am in haha

[TheSpaceGnome]

I'm having the same exact frustration, most women won't use dating apps, and out of the ones who do, most of them don't write about themselves on their bios, its always just a few words or a sentence or two.

Rarely I see one thats a perfect match, but it either gives me an inbox full error, or I don't bother messaging her because she's outside the US.

[VianneRoscher]

I always feel shy to write about myself in the bio. Especially if I know someone on the app personally.

[TheSpaceGnome]

You have to write about yourself though, otherwise anyone serious about wanting a relationship will hit pass on you even if they think you're really hot. And the ones you will end up on dates with will be the hookup culture wastes of time.

[VianneRoscher]

That makes sense. I am taking a break from dating apps. IF am ever back on them, I'll do as you say.

[Sour-rose]

Okay, rhetorical but it's a choice for me. I know almost every mofo down this city and... well that should be obvious what I think of them. Even when I do get out of here, not in the mood to be dating. When i find her, I'll find her.

[TroyDT2]

Romance movies and other delusional fantasies about relationships have created unrealistic expectations for a lot of people.

[D-Pad_Chad]

You answered your own question. Lower your standards. Although bow I'd say it might be too late, but it would give you a better chance.

[VianneRoscher]

Sigh 😔

[bolverk]

I haven't been in a relationship for over 20 years, that is by choice, living alone doesn't necessarily mean being lonely. I've enough friends to be happy, but I don't see the need for a relationship.

[VianneRoscher]

I enjoy living and doing different things alone, I'm just want some love. But whatever, I won't die if it's not there.

[WhitneySnow]

It’s mostly luck I think. Meeting the right person at the right time.

[VianneRoscher]

Then I am lacking that luck 😂

[Brando10222]

I feel you. And I'm glad you opened up about it. Not sure if you know but people these days use dating apps mostly for hookups 😕

[VianneRoscher]

Yeh, and that's the problem. I don't think the initial idea was hookups though, still we have what we have.

[Brando10222]

Yeah, I agree with you. Dating apps were for helping us find the right one. But it's used for hookups now unfortunately

[VianneRoscher]

Sadly that's the truth.

[Dreamclouds]

People are taught to be too proud, have too big ego's and to little love inside. Pitty we are made to be togheter not lonely

[VianneRoscher]

I wish we were made to be alone.

[Dreamclouds]

well you can be alone but not happy most likely but rather bitter

[fonduegirl]

I'm very unapproachable Xx

[eagle1951]

it was not my idea, my wife passed

[VianneRoscher]

My condolences

[eagle1951]

thanks been widowed 5 years i have no idea how to date or even try these days, or if i even want to

[VianneRoscher]

If you're not sure then maybe you don't want to.

[eagle1951]

could be i guess

[SueShe]

Sorry to hear that and hope you are doing well.

[eagle1951]

@SueShe i keep trying to, but every now and then it hits me like a ton of pricks.

[SueShe]

Don't let those emotions get you down. It is good to be able to remember old memories but living in the past is poison for the present.

I can say that because I never had to suffer the loss of a partner or spouse so forgive me if my words sound wrong or are inappropriate.

[eagle1951]

@SueShe np sometimes i need to hear thoughts like that.

[VianneRoscher]

They say it requires 2 years to recover after a loss of a loved one. It's not an easy thing after all. For now, best you can do is think about her as something magnificent that has happened to you. You were lucky to meet and spend that much time together.

[eagle1951]

she passed Feb 2018. we were married 37 years

[aaron210419]

totally agree