Should I stay single or marry someone I'm not in love with?

[Haha456]

Apparently, my standards are so high that no man can fill it. Nobody has the qualities I am seeking in a partner. Upon the rare occasion that I do find someone who has the qualities i am looking for, other incompatibility issues will arise. Nobody can even meet my standard when it comes to casual sex. Vast majority of guys nowadays just suck in bed. I'm just turned off with all men. Nobody has anything to offer. But yet it doesn't make loneliness easier. I crave for a life companion to do things with. I'm tired of doing everything alone or begging shitty friends to come do things with me.

And no, I can't just "lower my standards". If I lower them, it will mean I'm dating someone I'm not attracted to.

Updates

1 y

I have literally went on dates where I can write a whole long list of things that I didn't like about the guy. Its really been that bad of an experience.

[quaranta]

About finding compatibility, maybe you are just looking in the wrong places. If you get to know people in the contexts that resume your interests, you will most likely find people who are like-minded, and maybe a single guy among them pops out.
A course, a community online, groups on Facebook, events... Those are not dating places but a compatible guy might just "happen" to be there at some point, meanwhile you make friends who are like-minded too.
About sex, that shouldn't be such a problem, it looks like you expect a guy to be readily packed for the way you are without even knowing you, but that's not realistic of course. You can fix this with just regular communication, letting them know the way you love sex, in detail if needed. They want to please you sexually so your indications are more than welcomed, and every partner is different so probably they do with you what they were doing with their exes, that was what their exes liked (or didn't, but didn't have the minimum maturity to tell it so the guys just thought they were amazing in bed all along).

[Cynicaldreamer]

Stay single. I'm probably going to be downvoted for saying this, but meh, I don't care.

I'm 37, still single, and have relatively high standards when it comes to dating- not to be confused with unrealistic standards. No, it's just as you get older, you KNOW what you want in a relationship and potential partner, and you won't settle for less... nor should you. And while it may be lonely at times, it sure beats dating someone just for the sake of saying I'm not single.

It sucks, and I know; it's not fair that dating seems to be easier for some than others. But stick to your standards! Look, better to have standards than none and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Eventually you will find a guy that checks every mark... or if he doesn't, that one or two little things he lacks is negotiable because you realize, "He's still a keeper and makes me happy." Because let's be real- no one is perfect.

[caring__1]

The key is to focus on the positive that exists rather than the negative or what's missing. No one will ever be perfect... including you. Let's say you go to a fancy restaurant for dinner. There will be many factors to look at (food, service, ambience, etc.). If one is just acceptable, does that take away from the others that stand out? What if everything is perfect, but when you go to the restroom you discover the last person there didn't bother to flush the toilet. Will that ruin your experience?

If you focus on marriage, you'll be critical of everyone. If you focus on creating and nurturing a connection, you'll see plenty of opportunities. It's easy to be critical (of others or ourselves), but where does that take us? It only limits our opportunities. In time, we often find things grow on us, and what we didn't previously see as positive becomes positive. Did you like tomatoes when you were a kid? Do you like them now? We change, so open yourself up to seeing value in areas you weren't previously open to. People who seek perfection will end up alone or disappointed.

[Haha456]

it doesn't matter how many positives they have if i can't even fall in love with their positives. and if you want to ignore negatives, then thats a good path down to divorce.

[Haha456]

i don't seek perfection. yet i still can't get what i need. im not expecting the richest man on earth or the hottest guy on earth.

[caring__1]

Your perspective sounds ideal. You're not looking for extremes, so maybe you're looking in the wrong places. People tend to go about relationships backwards. They start with a physical attraction, and then they look to see what they have in common. Identify your key issues, and then research to see where those types of people associate. If you're not actively involved in those locations, you won't meet those people. People assume a bar is a good place to meet people, yet they can't understand the reason they always end up with alcoholics.

Romance doesn't seem to be an important quality to you. For the most part, romance is either lust or trying to impress the other person, or just doing obligatory actions. There are many ways to have a special connection with someone without having to jump through hoops to prove romance exists. There are plenty of people who would prefer not having to jump through those hoops. A quality relationship is not based on extremes, obligations or performances. It is based on showing the other you truly care about that person's thoughts and feelings. It's about showing as much consideration toward the other as you would like to receive from the other. As long as people choose to be self-centered and minimize everyone else, healthy relationships will be few and far between.

I can relate to your struggle. It is challenging to meet compatible matches. Even going the dating app direction will be disappointing, as people tend to withhold information, when they're not all out lying. You're still young, so the odds of you finding a healthy match are greater for you than they are for me. I refuse to settle again, just to be in a relationship. That doesn't mean I just sit around feeling sorry for myself. I live the life I value and enjoy adding to the lives of others. If it happens, it happens; if it doesn't, at least I haven't wasted my life.

[surebruh]

Maybe an unpopular opinion but if you married someone you are not in love with, eventually the loneliness feeling you referenced will come back since a genuine relationship doesn't last based on material things such as money (though it helps) so the situation you are currently in now will repeat in some way in your future. Other than sex what is it you want that "Nobody has anything to offer"

For helping you, since lowering your expectations isn't an option it becomes a numbers game. If you meet up with/date "enough" people then you may "find" what you're looking for though. What I am wondering is the men you meet for dates/sex is it always in the same or similar way? Perhaps changing where/how you meet men could improve the probabilities. Good things happen when we least expect it and in my humble opinion, i say very graciously that you come off as having a bit of an attitude which may be holding yourself back by approaching new situations hoping for "too much"

[Haha456]

I need a companion. so no, marrying someone I don't love won't make me lonely. As along as we both want the same journey together. Just because there isn't romance, it doesn't mean we won't have sex or that we won't do things together or that we won't have good conversations with each other. Romance is not everything. Sometimes we just need a life companion to help us through life.

[surebruh]

Your reply here seems like you're confident about companionship with someone you don't love and already know men suck without anything to offer you. Your next move seems more straight forward than your original post is made out to be. I genuinely wish you find what you're looking for as no one deserves to be lonely.

[Haha456]

the problem is i can't find a man who wants to marry someone who doesn't love him romantically. Nobody cares about companionship nowadays. Everyone just wants romance. And even if there is romance, there is no guarantee it will last forever. And it usually doesn't. how often do you see marriages that lasted 30-50 years? not very often

[Haha456]

many people like to wait and hold out for love. But truth is, I'm not willing to wait until I am 59 years old to find love. I still have over 33 years to go before I hit that old of an age. I'm not gonna be lonely for 33 years just to find someone I love. Your chances of finding love also decreases as you get older.

[surebruh]

I learned the hard way you can't bake your cake and eat it too. If you're screwed on all levels then a compromise has to be made somewhere , possibly like NOT telling the man you don't love him romantically, staying single, having lousy sex for companionship etc.

[Haha456]

I can't put on act that I love a man forever. I'm not an actress. One day he will find out. By then I'd be exhausted from all the acting. He will feel betrayed. I want a peaceful life , not a drama filled one.

I'm ok having lousy sex for companionship. Because at the end of the day, I will have someone to go on adventures with, travel with, eat at expensive restaurants with, watch movies with, someone to talk to, someone to celebrate birthdays with. At the end of the day, we are all human and its natural to need these things.

[surebruh]

You have your answer then, more or less answered with your own words. Wish you the best!

[Twalli]

We all have preferences. You need to decide what you require and what you prefer. That is how people get into relationships. You find people who may not fit every single preference, but fill all your requirements. If you REFUSE to sacrifice your preferences deal with the fact that YOU CHOOSE to be alone.

[Haha456]

filling up my preferences is important. I can't just marry someone who fills in 1-2 out of my 10 boxes.

[Twalli]

So accept being alone. It's far more important to find people who fill your requirements

[Haha456]

i think im happier being with someone i don't love than being alone for the rest of my life. sometimes we just can't get what we want. but anything is better than dying alone

[Anonymous]

if your standards are such that the men you want have zero chance of being attracted to you (you're shooting way outside of your league) then yeah expect a very long lonely life. Your standards are on you. They are your choice. You can't force high value men to be attracted to someone who is not on their level

[Haha456]

often times what you call "high value" men don't even have what I need.

Its easier for me to find a rich man to marry than to find a man I can actually fall in love with.

[Opinion Owner]

lol i feel sorry for you. please enjoy your cats.

[Haha456]

I'm having kids on my own though.

[Haha456]

only single men need cats. single women can have children

[Opinion Owner]

lol wow so you're going to be a single mother.. The absolute worst things come from single mother homes. A mother CANNOT replace a father, just like a father cannot replace a mother. To suggest otherwise is delusional.

[Haha456]

fathers aren't needed.

studies actually show children of gay and lesbian parents do better in school than kids from heterosexual parents.

[Opinion Owner]

Keep telling your self that princess.

[Opinion Owner]

Statistics About Fatherless Homes

#1. 85% of youth who are currently in prison grew up in a fatherless home. (Texas Department of Corrections)

#2. 7 out of every 10 youth that are housed in state-operated correctional facilities, including detention and residential treatment, come from a fatherless home. (U. S. Department of Justice)

#3. 39% of students in the United States, from the first grade to their senior year of high school, do not have a father at home. Children without a father are 4 times more likely to be living in poverty than children with a father. (National Public Radio)

#4. Children from fatherless homes are twice as likely to drop out from school before graduating than children who have a father in their lives. (National Public Radio)

#5. 24.7 million children in the United States live in a home where their biological father is not present. That equates to 1 in every 3 children in the United States not having access to their father. (National Public Radio)

#6. Girls who live in a fatherless home have a 100% higher risk of suffering from obesity than girls who have their father present. Teen girls from fatherless homes are also 4 times more likely to become mothers before the age of 20. (National Public Radio)

[Opinion Owner]

#7. 57% of the fatherless homes in the United States involved African-American/Black households. Hispanic households have a 31% fatherless rate, while Caucasian/White households have a 20% fatherless rate. (National Public Radio)

#8. In 2011, 44% of children in homes headed by a single mother were living in poverty. Just 12% of children in married-couple families were living in poverty. (U. S. Census Bureau)

#9. Children who live in a single-parent home are more than 2 times more likely to commit suicide than children in a two-parent home. (The Lancet)

#10. 72% of Americans believe that a fatherless home is the most significant social problem and family problem that is facing their country. (National Center for Fathering)

#11. Only 68% of children will spend their entire childhood with an intact family. (U. S. Census Bureau)

#12. 75% of rapists are motivated by displaced anger that is associated with feelings of abandonment that involves their father. (U. S. Department of Justice)

[Opinion Owner]

#13. Living in a fatherless home is a contributing factor to substance abuse, with children from such homes accounting for 75% of adolescent patients being treated in substance abuse centers. (U. S. Department of Justice)

#14. 85% of all children which exhibit some type of a behavioral disorder come from a fatherless home. (U. S. Department of Justice)

#15. 90% of the youth in the United States who decide to run away from home, or become homeless for any reason, originally come from a fatherless home. (U. S. Department of Justice)

#16. 63% of youth suicides involve a child who was living in a fatherless home when they made their final decision. (U. S. Department of Justice)

#17. Children who live in a single-parent or step-family home report less schoolwork monitoring, less social supervision, and lower educational expectations than children who come from two-parent homes. (American Sociological Review)

#18. Even when poverty levels are equal, children who come from a two-parent home outperform children who come from a one-parent home. (U. S. Department of Health and Human Services)

[Opinion Owner]

#19. Within the African-American/Black community, about 2.5 million fathers live with their children, while 1.7 million fathers are not living with them. (Huffington Post)

#20. In a 2014 study, only 3% of single mothers fell into the strongest demographic groups, while 44% fell into the weakest demographic groups. (Brookings)

#21. About 40% of children in the United States are born to mothers who are not married. Over 60% of these children were born to mothers who were under the age of 30%. (CDC)

#22. 25% of children are the age of 18 are currently being raised without the presence of a father. Around 50% of single mothers have never married. 29% are divorced. Only 1 in 5 are either separated or widowed.

#23. In single-mother households, 50% involve just one child. 30% of single mothers are raising two children on their own. (U. S. Census Bureau)

#24. 27% of single mothers were jobless for the entire year while taking care of their children. Only 22% of those who were out of work were receiving unemployment benefits at the time. (U. S. Census Bureau)

[Opinion Owner]

#25. The median income for a household with a single mother is $35,400. The median income for a home with a married couple raising their children is $85,300 in the United States. Two-thirds of low-income working families with children are in the African-American community. (U. S. Census Bureau)

#26. Over 30% of fatherless homes are classified as being food insecure, yet only 13% of homes will utilize the services of a food pantry. Over 30% of fatherless homes also spend more than half of their income on housing costs, which classifies the household as experiencing a severe housing burden. (U. S. Department of Agriculture)

#27. In the United States, Mississippi has the highest number of fatherless homes, with 36% of households falling into the category. Louisiana comes in second at 34%, while Alabama is third at 31%. (U. S. Census Bureau)

[Opinion Owner]

#28. Children who live in a fatherless home are 279% more likely to deal drugs or carry firearms for offensive purposes compared to children who live with their fathers. (Allen and Lo)

#29. 92% of the parents who are currently in prison in the United States are fathers. (Glaze and Maruschak)

#30. Pregnant women who do not have the support of the father experience pregnancy loss at a 48% rate. When the father is present, the prevalence of pregnancy loss falls to 22%. (Shah, Gee, and Theall)

#31. For single dads, 39% of households had a family income which was $50,000 or more. 44% of single dads were divorced, while only 33% had never married. (U. S. Census Bureau)

#32. 43% of fathers do not see their role as something that is important to their personal identity. 54% of fathers in the U. S. say that parenting isn’t enjoyable all of the time. (Pew Research)

[Opinion Owner]

#33. Even in homes with fathers, the modern dad spends only 8 hours per week on child care, which is 6 hours less than the modern mom. On the other hand, 43% of the modern dad’s time is spent with paid work, compared to 25% of the time for the modern mom. Dads are spending 3 times more time with their kids than dads did in 1965. (Pew Research)

#34. Only 5% of households in the United States say that the ideal situation is to have the mother work and the father stay home to take care of the children. (Pew Research)

#35. 53% of Americans say that mothers do a better job at parenting than fathers. Only 1% of Americans say that fathers are able to do a better job at parenting than mothers. (Pew Research)

#36. 70% of adults say it is equally important for a newborn to spend time bonding with their father and their mother. (Pew Research)

[Haha456]

I make over 100 dollars an hour, sweetie,

so no, my kids won't end up being criminals. I won't need government welfare.

I can afford to send my kids to elite schools, live in rich neighborhoods , buy the best food for them.

[Haha456]

Single Moms' Sons Can Succeed, New Research Shows

For decades, researchers have said children from two-parent families do better than those raised by a single parent. That's still true, they say. But newer research pokes holes into that all-or-nothing approach, says fatherhood expert Michael Lamb, a psychology professor at the University of Cambridge in England.

"The key point is yes, there is a risk," he says. "But it's not really a risk inherent in the single-parent family, per se. You can't assume that every child raised by a single parent is going to have difficulties. The majority don't."

abcnews.go.com/.../story?id=5687285

[Haha456]

Children raised by same-sex couples do better in school, new study finds

www.washingtonpost.com/.../

[Opinion Owner]

Really your flex is your hourly wage? my bet is you do not make that much. Most companies that hire a person at over 25 an hour put you on salary. For example, after taxes and insurance, my salary is just over 600k annually. my hourly wage if i were working 40 per week which i guarantee you aren't is 289 per hour. But i dont have an hourly wage i have an annual salary. Keep lying princess. im counting them up.

[Opinion Owner]

news articles do not count. My stats are from the national census bureau and the DHHS.. Yours are from opinion pieces. Link to the actual studies or your comments are invalid.

[Berethor]

31, hit the wall already? I would say marry someone that you not in love with.

[Haha456]

I think you're not too far from hitting the wall yourself. Just give it a few more years.

[jshm2]

Basically, you're lesbian. But too fuckwitted to admit it.

Also, people who talk about "standards" tend to have poor personalities.

[MrCommodore]

No, never settle for less than what you want. But you should maybe be more picky or selective before going on a first date.

[Static_In_The_Attic]

Stay Single Or Marry Someone You Are Not In Love With? Single…

[Tracker1958]

Stay single for ever. Marriage is dead. Stay childless also

[Haha456]

Im planning on having kids on my own

[Tracker1958]

Don't have any kids, they will only get in your way and they cost too much money. You should get a tubal ligation to prevent any pregnancy.

[Haha456]

I actually want children. I feel like that is my purpose of life- to give birth and be a mother.
Just because you don't want kids, it doesn't mean nobody else want kids.

[Tracker1958]

Why would you do that?

[Haha456]

children give me a lot of joy. In fact, I plan on making passive income so I don't have to work a full time job so I can be with my kids more

[Tracker1958]

You don't need a husband to have kids.

[Haha456]

I don't. I will try to find a co parent eventually. But if I can't, I will have to do it on my own.

there's really no point in continue to live life if I can't have kids. My life is so empty

[Tracker1958]

Get some cats or dogs. Kids cost too much and get in the way of you enjoying life.

[Haha456]

cats and dogs are not the same as children.
I have a special connection with my children that I cannot get from just buying a cat or a dog or fish.
Its very different. I can't experience the same connection with adopted children either.
In many ways, I feel like having kids is worth the cost.

[Haha456]

there's nothing can replace a family. Its priceless to be able to create a family of my own. The love within a family is something money cannot buy

[Tracker1958]

So you already have kids?

[Tracker1958]

You will divorce your husband and destroy your family. Women a look ways do.

[Haha456]

no. im 27. dating has been purely awful for me. I've already given up. Nobody has what I'm looking for. By the time I'm 32-33, I will just have my first child. Then my last child when I'm 34-35. I'm looking for a coparent right now. But if I don't end up finding one, I might have to go about this alone.

Truth is, there's no point in me living if I never have kids. I just feel like that is my sole purpose of life. Raising children is the highlight of my life. I'm not interested in having kids at a significantly older age too. I want to raise kids when I still have the energy to raise kids, not when I'm old, sore and cranky.

[Tracker1958]

Women always do divorce their husband's. 1 out of 3 of the kids won't be your husband's kid.

[Haha456]

I've gone through so many rejections over the years, it doesn't even hurt any more. But at the same time, I've also had many admirers who I didn't like back. I'm just so tired of the search. I've never been in a relationship ever in my life too. My dating life is and has always been NON EXISTENT. And I don't see it changing any time soon.

[Haha456]

women divorce their husbands because they aren't happy in marriage.

[Tracker1958]

Consider your self lucky. Relationships are more trouble than they are worth

[Haha456]

sometimes life without any good relationships suck. Imagine not having anyone to celebrate birthdays with. Imagine having nobody to eat Thanksgiving / Christmas dinner with. Imagine having nobody to go on vacations with. Its a miserable life. Nobody cares whether you live or die.

[Tracker1958]

Feminism killed marriage and relationships. Feminism told you women that you don't need a man and you keep telling us. We hear you ladies loud and clear. You don't need a man and men don't want a woman that doesn't need us. Marry another woman, see how that works for you girls.

[Haha456]

feminism didn't kill marriage / relationships. It only killed men's right to mistreat women in marriage. Mistreat your wife and you will lose your kids and also half your assets.

[Haha456]

of course women don't need you to make babies. Just take a look at how many fathers abandon their kids.

[Anonymous]

The OP says 'fathers aren't needed.'

That's says everything you need to know.

[slatyb]

You should stay single.

[connectingisgreat]

What is it that you want?

[Anonymous]

For Gods sake, please stay single.

[Anonymous]

😆😆😆