How do I get over major trust issues in my relationship?

[Anonymous]

We are together for 7 months and at the beginning he used to keep in touch with random girls he knows and a few times he hid the phone when one of his exes texted him. Eventually it all stopped after many fights but I can't relax. He was single for so long and only causally dating so he kept some habits that are dangerous while in a relationship.

I am always so afraid something will happen again that will disturb my peace. Also whenever we are separated physically I am obsessing whether he is still texting, hiding something etc.

I can't escape my own head. How should I deal with it?

[quaranta]

With communication and cooperation. You aren't trusting his intentions towards you, his honesty, rather than his "impulses". Everyone has impulses but deciding to indulge on them or not is up to their moral value and respect they pay to their partner.
If he respected you and wanted to invest in a working relationship based on trust, he would talk openly about why he kept contacts with other girls and how he is working on this issue to secure the relationship (and your worries as a consequence). But if his reaction is to hide the phone instead of investing in trust and connection, something is malicious at the root. It might be caused because of his values in general, maybe he is actually a shady guy.
But it might be caused by the fact you might be not easy to communicate with, either: one mad overreaction and he understands instantly he can't connect with you or explain anything because you are a mad mess he wants to protect his boundaries from.
If this is the case (I have no idea), the first step would be to clarify this point, asking him what made him stop trusting the connection with you, or never develop one, for which he needs to hide his shady stuff rather than working on them with you. What is making you not eligible for that, in his eyes? That is the first thing.
While if that is not the case, then you have to communicate this problem with him, that you either have trust issues in general or that his behaviour developed a trust issue where you generally would have none, and see what is his will to cooperate in solving it. If he is eager to work on the relationship, good perspectives for it. If he is not, and you are afraid to even open this topic to him, and he is shady in general and doesn't feel like investing in a deeper connection and doesn't respect you much, then there is not much you can do because relationships are made in 2 and he would be not doing his part.
Many women just swallow these "rules" where their partner disrespects the relationship and doesn't trust them, just for the fear of not staying alone, or tend to put guilts on themselves for not submitting enough to the inequal rules of this scenario, or for not being "resistant" enough.
So I think you should require his cooperation in securing the relationship, and if he doesn't, you should start giving ultimatums. You can't build his part of the relationship for him, he has to, otherwise you'll wear out walking on eggshells, full of responsibilities but devoided of power (which is never a working equation). The main manager of the relationship, yet the possible main victim of it? Can't work. Don't put yourself in that role.

[Screenwriter]

I don't understand what you mean by "random girls he knows." What is wrong with him knowing other women besides you? And if his exes are women he formerly dated or had relationships with and I assume he was and has remained friends with, again, what is wrong with this?

It isn't like you're 19 or 20, is it? You're both grown adults who, I'd assume, have had several relationships and are friends with women. Exes might comprise some of these friends and I think it's healthy to have friends who offer you wider views of the world of men, women, men and women, in other words, relationships, and, generally, life!

As long as these relationships are platonic, what is the problem? It sounds like you might be overly nervous and have self-esteem or jealousy issues.

If you've known this man for nearly a year and he's always had these kinds of relationships, I'm sure he will continue them because he enjoys them and they're important to him. Don't you have similar relationship with men you know?

I think you have to make your peace with who this guy is. He's not doing this to threaten your relationship. This is simply who he is and how he lives. If this doesn't work for you, seems like you might be at a parting of the ways.

[blueonblack22]

Well you have to take a deep breath and put things in perspective. He’s a different person than someone you else you likely had a bad experience with a long time ago. Getting angry at him isn’t going help you get back at someone else who hurt you a long time ago.

Also your jealously and paranoia could end up doing the opposite of what you intended if you let it. At first he might actually like it because he takes it as a sign you really like him. If you didn’t like him you wouldn’t care if he was still talking up other women. However if you keep on being controlling and paranoid it can:

1) make him question what YOU are up to since some cheaters are extremely hypocritical gaslighters

2) get angry and pissed off if you accuse him of something he’s innocent of that will ultimately drive him to do it for real. That can actually motivate people to “live up to the image” you once unfairly accused of

Chances are you got some unresolved and unforgiven issues happen to you in the past. As difficult as it is I recommend trying to forgive what happened a long time ago with someone else (it’s different than reconciling). Make peace with the past so it don’t screw up the present.

[lightbulb27]

that be fear... of loss, separation, insecurity. What's the real risk here and how big is it.. quantify it and if you could find ways to handle it. thats putting logic in control.

the other side is why is this such a strong trigger for you? Is there something in your past (before him) related to being cheated on? Is that something you can better heal from.

communication to build trust so he understands. Guys need to learn their job is to protect the womans emotions. the womans job is same.

[Angelo75]

Well hon... perhaps if he is not willing enough to fully commit to you and break ties with other women... you should ask yourself if he is worth your trust and efforts.

There are a lot of other men out there that would not give you the feeling that u gotta fight with him in order for him to behave.

[Moose304]

Distrust is poison. I never got over mine. I was cheated on over 40 years ago. I was never able to trust again. I have women in my life and generally am OK. I just never allow a female into the inner parts of my soul. I think you need to see a Therapist as I did. They will help you get through this if it is possible. In my case, I was not.

[Orion76]

Does it look like a duck? Quacks like a duck? I kept numbing my senses for years because I wanted my kids to have normal family. If you have doubts I’m sorry to tell you they are only gonna get worse and you will never have a full good day. get to the bottom of it now even if it means splitting it’s not the worst thing believe me, wasting your one life you get is the worst. Just be sure and be fair.

[Anonymous]

Breakup w him. If your relationship stresses you out this bad that the anxiety outweighs the happiness of it, it’s not worth it. When you say random girls, do you mean friends? Girls he slept w in the past? Co-workers? I think you need to get some professional help. Because from the way you’re saying you act or think, he can’t even have female co-workers cause your mind is going to start up again. It’s going to get to the point that he may leave you because it’s too much.

[SexyRedd1966]

Sounds like he's not worth the stress... I would not be with a person that every time they're away from me I'm worried about what they're doing.

[es20490446e]

I talk with many girls, and even with my exes. We are only friends, and I don't have any motivation beyond that.

[OddBeMe]

This distrust is deeper than phone usage. Either figure out why you can’t commit to trust, or if he’s that much of a scumbag.

[Anonymous]

Don't sacrifice your inner peace for anyone...
If you're not happy than move on once trust broke you can't fix it.

[Manuel2]

You learn where you went wrong with trust and do not do it again

[EaterPeter]

Counseling? Lasting? Marriage minute? Relationship cures?

[Anonymous]

Know that everyone is a trash… in fact the trashier the more successful in this world. God has only true love and we need to follow him to be in heaven on earth

[boggboss]

Learn to trust him or ig u csnt don't be with him

[bean2k21]

He can talk to whomever he wants.

[Iron_Man]

Set the ground rules

[Noah-z]

You don’t, you keep it to survive.

[KrakenAttackin]

He deserves a sane woman, which is not you.

[KrakenAttackin]

The real answer is to be a woman that keeps his interest. Being a naggy, cunty, pain in the ass will not make him love you more.

[jimmy2]

That hard to get over especially if he doing that

[TJ1892]

Time, and energy.

[noohair]

Therapy

[In_Trance]

therapy