This girl and her friend came into my work (retail) to pick out Christmas gifts for her family. This girl and I vibed and I got her number but she told me she was leaving to go back home for winter break. So during the coarse of that month and a half we were getting to know eachother. At first it was just texts, than it was calling, than we were FaceTiming, next thing ya know she’s coming back from break and we’ve made all these plans and telling eachother we can’t wait to see one another. We really did learn a lot about eachother talking for that long. And it was consistent to with no weirdness or awkwardness.
She finally gets back, Looses her luggage, it was storming here, but she insisted on still meeting up. So I got creative and ordered take out pasta, bought some rosee for her to try for the first time. Brought a blanket, candle, my laptop and we sat in my car, in the storm, ate pasta, drank and chilled. Everything went great. Dropped her off, went in for a kiss, she hesitated for a sec but she gave me a kiss tho I thought I messed up some how. Got me stressing, but we planned for a 2nd and that went better than the 1st. Plan for a 3rd date, my car breaks down and I can’t pick her up.
During the new car hunt, I feel her fading away. She jokingly text called me a weirdo and I said why are you dating me then? she said “excuse me sir, what makes you think we’re dating”? I said cause we went on 2 dates? She told me Im old and that’s not what it means. Now Vibes are way off. I don’t know how to handle this. I called her and told her how I saw a difference and I just want to be on the same page. She said she takes things slower than most people (I have my reasons) and I take things slightly faster. So I said thank you for letting me know and I wished her the best And she said” chill chill, I want to still be friends and stuff, I take things a lot slower.” This is not the same girl I was once texting. Do I give up? I really really want this to last.
If you "really, really want this to last" I suggest you oblige and take things slower. Where is the sense in rushing things anyways? I get that you feel close to her because you both text and talked a lot. I also get that you feel like you know her from all those conversations.
That is all great and stuff, but in person is much different. Being physical even more so. You need to just take things slower if that is what she wants. Back off the kiss attempts and trying to rush a relationship. Enjoy the fun that you both can have in the beginning.
I always am shocked when people want to rush, rush, rush so they can advance the relationship. You miss out on the best parts. I think she just wants to make sure that this is a good fit for her and needs things to slow down.
If you want any sort of chance, you are going to have to slow down so she is more comfortable or you might push her away entirely.
Ok. And that’s exactly the steps I am currently taking. Know that she never talked or let me know how she felt about any of this, so she kinda expected me to know how to act in regards to what she wants. Now I’m backed off, only texting her when she texts me, but it’s getting stale
So, I think you are doing the right thing. Don't write it off just yet. Just because things seem stale doesn't mean anything bad... yet.
She could be really busy with school. She could be having a bad week. Something may have happened with family. Any number of things could be causing it.
It also could be because she just needed a step back. If you really like her, put that out of your mind that things need to be any different than they are right now. She is still talking to you, yes?
I mean yeah.. it feels like I’m pulling teeth though! Example: her, “I survived my midterms” me, “celebrations are in order” her, “I celebrated last night” me 5 hrs later because I was kinda bothered by last message,”did you have fun”? Her”yeah of coarse” see how stale that is? That was last night. Last message sent was in response to “yeah of coarse” was “I’m glad, you deserve it after all your hard work”
Yeah, I get it. I would give benefit of doubt that she might actually be tired and just need to recharge after exams. I know I was like that. Give it a little time.
If you do give it time and feel like it still is just not where it should be, you sort of have two options. You flat out tell her that it isn't working out or you say we need to talk and express your feelings that you think things are standing still.
If you think about it, those are really the only options, other than sticking it out.
Okay. So dumb how something so innocent can drastically change everything. Why so complicated now and days? So if I’m going to take things slow and pursue this with her. How should my responses to texting be? I don’t want to come off needy. I also don’t want to loose her. What’s a good balance. What mind set should I have for rn. Match her energy? Or still be that happy go to guy? I want her to chase me kinda. I know that’s toxic
Okay, so let's look at the situation as a whole and where things stand. So, do you just text? Text and call? See each other ever? I want to get a sense of where the two of you are.
Then, I think it is reasonable that you and I can think of some small but meaningful steps to put in place to see if she is just stringing you along or if things can progress.
First and foremost Priya.. This has been kinda rough for me, so the fact that you’re taking your time to help me means a whole lot, so thank you.
It went from calls and FaceTimes till 3 am on some nights and us joking around and her making fun of me for “giving off dad vibes” and her “giving off clarinet vibes” (inside jokes) to 3-4 text messages a day. We haven’t seen eachother since the 2nd date which was 3 weeks ago. I work in sales and am currently at lululemon while she’s a full time Econ Major. We made plans I’d help her with school and she’d use me when it came to her Biology HW and now I just found out she had midterms. When I called her to get on the same page she let me know her feelings haven’t changed about me but her feelings about relationships. I don’t know if that’s just an excuse though. So after our talk I let her know I felt better know that I know how she feels and I told her to take care and her response.. that’s what threw me off. “Chill chill” “I still wanna be friends and stuff, I just take things really slow and i know you move much faster than I do” so I said alright after midterms let’s do something fun. She said yeah
Aww! You are so welcome though. Entirely my pleasure. So, let's look at the situation piece by piece.
Here is what I think has happened. Things definitely seem to have gone too fast for her in the start. THEN the dreaded exams. That is stress. After those, I don't think it is her need for just a slowdown in the relationship but just in general because of all the busyness going on. She may have just been overwhelmed and really the only thing that you are a part of is the relationship aspect.
Let's look at the positives though. This is likely temporary and she is still texting with you. Now, I know that if I had no intention of at least seeing where things would go, I would not string someone along. It is a waste of my time and theirs.
She also says she wanted to do something fun. Here is what I suggest. I would match her energy and output as far as messaging goes. The key is to use those messages wisely. Don't push! But start planting that seed of doing something that she agreed to do.
You have to sort of have a plan and progress towards it. Let's say this weekend (Sunday) is day one. Maybe use that is "ground zero" okay? So on that day, just try to strike up a conversation through text about something you know that she likes. Let's say shopping.
Now, get her involved in talk and controlling the conversation. Should not be hard if you hit on something she likes to do and talk about. See if you can kind of carry that conversation for longer than what is currently typical. All you are doing is building a little momentum.
Days 2-4 focus on keeping that pace. Again, don't push her and be prepared to back off a bit if you get the sense she is tired or whatever. Also, don't keep going on about the same thing. Find different but fun things to discuss. "Oh, I heard of this thing at this place coming up. Sounds like a lot of fun. Have you ever done _________" and let her talk.
Towards day 6-7 time to evaluate and see if you think it was an improvement. If no, then keep at it. Baby steps. If yes! Now it is time to start thinking about doing something. All along you should be thinking about proposing something to do that she is going to have a hard time saying no to. Something that she will absolutely have a blast.
Key is to make it CASUAL and more friend like and less date like. If you can get that far, your are golden and should be able to have a casual meetup to take that next step.
I think you are 100% right about things having gone too quickly so fast. It all just happened so quickly. Priya that’s what makes this so difficult because in all honesty, the connection we shared, which I know was mutual, was unlike anything I’ve had. Like I would ask her what she’s doing and she’d say the same thing I was doing or eating the same thing I was at the same time. Weird random specific things we bonded over. So havaing that instant connection from that going to this just made me question who I was. And that’s never happened to me before. Which makes me so scared she actually is stringing me along, or keeping me “just in case”. I had this idea that I was gonna pick her up, take her shopping, eat, get boba, hit the beach for a bit, drop her off, shower pick her back up for dinner or something along those lines. We also talked about Valentine’s Day plans but I don’t even wanna think about that right now..
I understand. What you are describing is sort of like the "honeymoon" phase in a relationship. Things a super exciting, fresh and new in the beginning and both people are like YAY, FUN 🥳
Then things start to get normal. That novelty wears off and you are both just sort of there with each other. This is completely natural and nothing to be concerned about. Happened to me and my husband and we love each other to pieces.
So, I kind of liken it to that sort of effect. I would just focus on getting that rhythm back in convo and working on a simple, casual meetup that is NOT date like. That will be key to even getting her to bite on it.
Scratch Valentine's right off the list. After what has happened and her stance, you are in for a suicide mission for V-Day.
So for now, I’m gonna set ground zero day for Saturday. If she messages me I obviously respond right? And I’ll start throwing topics out there hoping she will eventually break down whatever wall she put up. When I match her texting vibe, how do I use that wisely? You mean really picking and choosing what to say, when and how?
Yes, correct. Let's just pretend you are starting new here and don't want to scare her off is sort of what I am saying.
I would not say "break down" but more open up and have some fun with conversations. When do you enjoy talking to others the most. Think about it. When you are really excited about what is being discussed. Same goes here. Just try to work in some things you know she will like to text about.
Texting vibe. Oh boy. That is a tough one because you can interpret vibe so different from how the other party intends. What I mean by match is let her control the flow and frequency. Just respond when she messages. DON'T be overly eager and message right away. Give it 10-15 minutes. If she picks up the pace, so do you.
Ok I am going to put this into play and really invest in this as well as not stress on it. Just sucks when there’s no communication and I am left to guess how to respond. So right now I took my friends advice for the past 3 days and went with the approach, women want what they can’t have, so I’ve been distant right back and hardly put as much emotion in to the texts. I was trying to make her miss me. Im playing this stupid game and I hate it. So now im gonna be nice, sweet, not as distant, but SUPER CASUAL. Ok I think I can do this
You got this. Good luck to you and have fun with it. It is supposed to be fun and not stressful ya know? 🙂
Can I let you know how it goes along the way?
Absolutely!! I love hearing good news and that is what I expect to hear! Please keep me updated and feel free to ask me questions. You caught me on a good night. It is very late here but no work for me tomorrow. So, look forward to hearing how things go!
I’m so grateful for your advice you don’t even know! Sweet dreams! Enjoy your day off tomorrow:)
Hi Priya! Hope you’re having a great day! Just wanted to update you real quick. So the the last message that was sent last time you and I spoke was her response the next morning to my saying she deserves to have fun. It started off rough.. she said thanks but she’s starting to get sick. I’m playing it casual so I said no.. head cold. Her response was “frat flu”. I didn’t know how to take that.. I said damn.. that sucks. I tried playing light like it didn’t effect me and I said sounds like you need to build up a tolerance to frats grime, to show I wasn’t effected, and she said I had frat boy grime. I said interesting. She said joking. I said she had sorority side chick grime. She said interesting. I said joking. She responded hours later saying I’m writing an essay. Yay and asked what I’m doing.
Somehow I ignited a spark in her by asking what she’s writing about and we had a really good convo through text about her topic she’s writing on. We connected for a few messages, getting into it and I said sounds like this will be fun for you though cause of her passion behind it and she said yeah but it’s due tonight. And that’s when I backed out feeling good with the tiny little good convo we had. I said alright I’ll let you get back to it have a good night. She said alrighty thanks. And that’s the last thing said. That was last night. So progress right? Do I message her today or wait for her to text again?
Well look at that. Score one for you! See how that works? You piqued her interest in something that she was into, whether temporary or a passion of hers (doubt essays are but never mind that).
What you did was get on a topic that was of interest and BAM... you got yourself a conversation going. Well done. So, what did you learn from her talking about the essay? What is it about, is it something she likes, etc etc. Now we want to build this into the next convo.
I am bringing backup. Sorry @Blackcupcake long read but you see where I went with this.
@PrettyPriya no worries! and I actually enjoyed reading this a lot, such a pleasant exchange to read where you were giving genuine advice and asker was really open to it and was all ears while still asking follow up questions and sharing his own thoughts and views!
okay okay… anyways! hahaha
I do agree with the fact that real life is different, and even tho, you guys could be close and all since you texted and FaceTimed a lot, there’s a different kind of getting to know each other and getting close and comfortable that needs to happen again when you’re together face to face…
also, since she insisted on not cutting each other off and being friends and taking things slow, that is a strong message she’s sending that she’s still interested, but she just wants to make sure you guys are a good fit before advancing too far… which is understandable…
so just follow her lead but also, show some interest so she doesn’t think that you lost interest in her
@Blackcupcake I think we are gearing up for that face to face. Building some steps here. Let's see what the asker responds to my initial question about the convo that went so well and maybe you and I can help him keep that ball rolling.
Oh my gosh you brought back up! Woah cupcake, very insightful and very true. I threw her off by making a dating comment. So now that she’s nervous and possibly hurt from a prior relationship, I’m heading Priyas advice and solely keeping it casual. I’ve tried a variety of different approaches to see what she responds to best and though I’ve gained lkniwledge in that aspect, but I’m not being me. This girl really threw me off. Priya actually helped me realize if I am letting someone change who I am and what I stand for, then I need to check myself.
So with that being said she knows how I feel about her. She thought I took things too fast when I’m reality we both were because it was fresh fun and different. But no communication regarding deeper matters. I think the focus shouldn’t be her thinking I’m going to loose interest, because in reality she’s the one who would loose interest. Shouldn’t I want her to think I’m loosing interest so she can see what she’s about to loose? By the way I’ll be at work from 11-6 so sorry if my responses are slow
No worries at all. It is late here so I will not be on too much longer, but I thought cupcake's view could help as well. So, no need to wait to send a message. You can do that if you want tonight. I would make it simple and ask "Hey, how did the essay turn out?"
What you have done is built on something that worked. Now, I am not saying you want a repeat of talking about the same thing over again. That is just the icebreaker to get things started. Have something loaded and ready to go that you can bring up that you know she would get chatty about.
That is the whole point here. You want to keep extending these positive conversations that she is into. Baby steps though. Don't start comparing # of texts to last time and getting all analytical about it. You never know if she is buys, tired, etc. Just see where it takes you.
What went so well regarding our conversation last night was the energy I felt from her when I inquired about her topic. When I said” wait madisyn, that’s actually a really fascinating topic” you could tell by her response ( thank you :)) that it meant a lot to her. Apparently it wasn’t assigned, she came up with her topic by herself. Her topic in the essay is about “It’s about social media. Tik tok specifically and how it’s toxic. I’m doing a content analysis to prove that social media creates unrealistic expectations and alters reality, Which then effects self esteem, self confidence, and overall mental health “ ( I copied and pasted that from our texts) so I told her it wasn’t surprising to me she’d come up with such an amazing topic and asked what sparked her idea and she said she’s always been passionate about it. I asked what she hates most. She said glorified. I agreed and said distortion of reality. She agreed and that’s when she told me it was due that night.
Anywhooo just wanted to clarify specifically what our conversation was like and how it was different. In a good way. Or maybe not. Maybe I’m just reaching and making myself believe anything..
Sounds like a good conversation and my suggestion is working to keep things active. Now, it is up to you to keep it going and remember it cannot be the same thing every time.