Well... it's certainly, possible for a person to feel that the person they are in a relationship with is "too busy" to make it worthwhile continuing the relationship. But... I don't get the sense that's what's legitimately happening here. To be honest, your boyfriend sounds like an asshole (no offence to you).
So usually, what this looks like, is somebody who is so busy AND who doesn't really make a whole lot of effort to fit the relationship into their busy schedule. The one partner basically ends up feeling like "they aren't a priority" for the other person.
People make relationships work eventhough they're busy (busier than you even. Some husbands and wives work TWO full-time jobs). That's going to require compromise and understanding when it comes to how much time a partner can expect. It's not what anyone would prefer, but "it is what it is" and so people do whatever they can to make it work. They enjoy the time they have together ESPECIALLY BECAUSE they don't have as much of it as they'd like.
The point is: What exactly does your boyfriend expect you to alter so that he has "more time"? There's nothing you can do to give him more time. There is no more to give. He should be able to see that; accept it like a big-boy, and DEAL with not being able to have as much time with his girlfriend as he would like (along with EVERY OTHER COUPLE ON EARTH).
This should be a situation of you BOTH being on the "same-team" here. You should both be feeling like: "This sucks, but nothing can be done about it... so let's try and squeeze as much love into whatever time we DO have."
His demand that you somehow find more time for him... is something I can only imagine an asshole saying. I mean... it's like some toddler-tantrum-shit almost. You know what I mean? Like... does he not understand that this isn't a choice you're making that you can just... change because you WANT to?
This guys... not... great...
Agreed.
Well for the most part I agree
@crossdressingrihno hahaha, well shit... now I'm curious what made you qualify that. Doesn't matter. You're certainly free to disagree. A little or a lot.
Well living under someone else’s roof certainly adds extra variables you might not normally think about. Adding school and work into the picture can certainly add some unforeseen stress.
Next is that some people just need different things from a relationship, it’s not necessarily a bad thing rather it just means one side isn’t ready for the other yet and that’s fine.
I forgot the last point so I’m gonna re read so I can remember
The last one is that they might not be equipped to deal with a relationship at this time. Some people haven’t developed the skills required to work on a relationship in such a small amount of time which is why a lot of people remain single through college.
I’m not saying your points are wrong because they are completely valid in most cases but sadly anomalies do occur and it’s worth keeping them in mind because these anomalies aren’t rarer
@crossdressingrihno You're absolutely right. Everything you say are possible caveats which might help explain why this is happening. I agree with you when it comes to the "living under someone's roof" part. I was taking it as "a given" that this was something that she couldn't change (which is why I'd expect that guy to understand).
And when I say that the guy's "not great." I meant "not great as a boyfriend for you right now." So while I agree that people might need different things from a relationship; someone might be less ready/equipped for a relationship etc. None of those things really need to be taken into account in this situation.
That's because, these are explanations. But none of them are ACCEPTABLE explanations for him acting the way he does in this girls situation. It's not ok to need something fundamentally different in a relationship than what your partner finds reasonable (and possible). If that's the case, then the relationship won't work. It's not ok to make unreasonable demands on someone because you lack the relationship knowledge/maturity/whatever to realize that you're out-of-line in doing so.
Therefore, the way I'm looking at it, none of those things matter because none of those things change anything about the basic problem here (as I see it). Which is an unreasonable demand given as an ultimatum. The reasons behind this are irrelevant (to me). He acts as though he has some reasonable grounds to make this demand.
I really appreciate the reply. I didn't expect it to be so thorough. Thanks 🙂
Bad communication is where all those problems pile up in a relationship. However I do agree and appreciate the good communication on your end.
No matter what is going on it’s obvious this relationship might not work out well at this point in time. Not to say it won’t work out later.
Anyways good talking to ya.
@crossdressingrihno Good talking to you too dude. Take it easy.
What are your life priorities?
What is the job for? 40 hours while in school verses part-time while in school?
Do you need to money to pay for school? Is the job actually in the field you want to be and this is your intro job to that field?
What is your goal with the boyfriend? I mean are you planning to marry this guy? Have you been with him 3 years and you two are planning to marry or is this a guy you've been dating 4 months and you sorta like him ok?
What are your life priorities?
Career? Education? Travel? Love? Marriage? Family?
You've got to rank things and makes decisions based on what you think will make you happiest long term.
Based on that you can make any decisions you need.
I mean the feminists will tell you that your career is the ONLY thing that matters. If you are single at 35, unmarried, no kids, working 50 hours a week, traveling out of town on work trips a lot and financially successful with work they'll tell you that is what all women should do and you will be happy. I'm sure some will. If that is a future you think you are ok with and you think you want your career to be you main purpose in life then do the things that will make that happen.
If, at 35 you hope you be married and have a couple of kids and do a little part time work but mainly you want to be with your kids. If you think this guy is the man you are going to marry and you want a family more then anything. You may do some work from time to time to stay busy or earn a little money but family is what you really want then you need to make decisions to bring that to pass.
Pick your life priorities and choose accordingly.
I would but at the same time I would understand him and his schedule and he should at least clear some for me, as I will always find a place to make time for someone I care about.
Sometimes it might not be right away, might be a few weeks of insanely busy but if it is temporary than that is okay, but if it is going to be months and month and that is the new normal. I would not stay with someone who doesn't want to find time to be with me.
We should at least have time to talk about when we can meet up, if we don't have enough time for that, then why be together?
💯 Well said.
If breaking up is the sacrifice you have to make right now then it just is what it is. Sometimes certain phases in our lives don’t leave much room to prioritize a relationship and it sucks but that’s life. You could speak to your mom about curfew (I’m guessing that’s why you mentioned her strictness?), since you’re an adult and should be able to come and go as you please. But if that’s out of the question then you may just have to be single until you either move out or find a man who can handle your schedule.
Opinion
59Opinion
Please do not take this wrong because it is not intended to offend. It is glaringly clear the you are not doing your responsibility of attending to your man in anyway. Skill set development, Time management, and relational success are highly correlated. There is obviously something out of those three variables missing. Time for me to blow on out of here.
u It doesn’t matter who you deem to be wrong. Worrying about right and wrong doesn’t make a relationship work.
If you don’t have time for him, why should he remain in a relationship with you?
My advice is this:
Respect what your mom has set as expectations because you are under her roof. You really need to focus on work and school. Those should be the priorities.
That said, and I know it’s hard, but if you wish to stay in the relationship it’s gonna take work on both of your parts. For you, your gonna have to figure out what things may need to be sacrificed to make sure you do spend some time with your boyfriend. However, he is gonna have to be supportive of your goals and understand that you have always only limited time right now for him.
If you can’t or won’t make sacrifices to spend time with him OR he demands more time than you can give (without hurting your job or schooling) then it’s not a good fit for you any longer.
Well, do you feel like you are too busy for him? My ex demanded a lot of attention. It was just the way she was. The problem is she also demanded a lot of "things". She was very materialistic. She didn't understand, you can't get a big house, cars, jewelry, etc., unless someone worked for that stuff.
So don't get blown out by trying to have it all. Maybe now isn't the time for a relationship if you are trying to build a career.
Or maybe the career can wait. But this may be a sign you are trying to do too much. And forget those folks who claim you have to submit.
Fuck that.
Do what you feel you need to do. If this guy is the one, if he is the man you see yourself with for the rest of your life. Then you know what to do.
But if he ain't that guy, why would you waste your time?
He's allowed to do what he wants as are you. That's the thing with free will.
If you think you can convince him to stay, you can try, but that's about all you can do!
I think you said you need to take those two classes as well as your 9 to 5.
That IS a full plate in my opinon. VERY full.
I remember even just taking ONE class and already, I had essays and tests and quizess and assignments already due on the first week of class! It was insane!
Your time is limite honestly. If you think you don't have time or you thik you can, but your partner doesn't, well, either MAKE time (but you'll probably be really stressed), or you have to break up... for now... or a while... it takes two after all!
You need to do what you feel is more important to you. He is right in the sense a relationship does require at least some amount of time of investment, yet it's really up to you what you value more. By the way you worded it you don't sound much like you're that concerned, so maybe your relationship has ran it's course. It's really more up to you what's more important in your life.
If you do want him and you don't want to change your job or college stuff, the only other option to telling your mum to go F herself, you being an adult and not a child.
Well if you are always busy, either because your schedule or for any other reason then him being annoyed and frustrated is justified. Given what you said it seems you don't have much time for yourself so then how will make time for your boyfriend.
Your boyfriend is not wrong if he considers breaking up.
That's actually legit. From the perspective of the person on the nonbusy side they obviously are not getting their needs met. For some of us all that would be required would be a phone call once or twice a day while driving or just before bed, or responding to a text message or two in a spare moment, and since we aren't getting that we feel deprioritized and therefore devalued.
This may hit a particular vein with me rn because my SO opted to Doordash rather than let me take her to dinner for my birthday. I know she's hard pressed for the cash and she forgot my birthday and you have to do your scheduled dashes, but to the back of my brain she weighed. e against the $60 she made and I was worth less than the $60 to her.
Respectfully, I would actually take the side of your girlfriend in that situation. (EXCEPT for the part that she forgot your birthday!). Because she could get her account deactivated if she cancels her blocks.
I agree with the general principle of your post, though, and I agree with everything else you said!
@Jamie05rhs see and I didn't know that they deactivate over that
That's okay. Yeah, they're very strict!
Yes and here are some reasons why:
Unfulfilled Needs: Being busy can lead to a lack of attention and support in a relationship, leaving one feeling unfulfilled and unsupported.
Unresolved Issues: When a partner is too busy, important relationship issues may not get addressed, leading to a buildup of resentment and frustration.
Lack of Future Prospects: A busy lifestyle can indicate an inability or unwillingness to make time for the relationship in the future, leading to uncertainty about the future of the relationship.
so first of all, there is no right or wrong answer or desisions. I think you should keep doing what you are doing. What can you do? leave your job? quit a college class? make your mom mad? for your boyfriend?
No.
Basically, your boyfriend isn't (doesn't sound) as busy as you, so he has more time for you then you have for him. This makes him feel unvalued or unappreciated.
If he wants to beak up with you to be with someone that has more time for him, let him.
It sounds like he already has his mind made up
I honestly would break up with a man who can't make time for me, especially at the age that I am lol
But it's important that you put yourself, your education and your future on the first place. Man come and go but a degree and a solid job, that one stays.
What I am saying is, do your college classes.
u It sounds like you are too busy to maintain a relationship anyway, so if your boyfriend is unhappy with the lack of attention and time spent together, break it off and let him leave. You will then be able to focus on your life, and he can find someone who will meet his needs.
Working full time and taking college classes is an ambitious thing that you are doing. So that is good. And if you live with your mom it is important to respect her rules even though you are an adult. So if he can't handle that perhaps you should let him go? Just a thought. Sounds to me that you are doing the right thing in life by working and going to college.
Depends on the situation. I’m understanding, but some people are super busy all the time, in that case they’re not ready to be in a relationship so it’s best just to let them go. Relationships requires effort if only one person is trying or is available every single time then they relationship can’t work
are you serious with this boy? is your boyfriend the marrying type? how important is your work and your two classes? it depends... me personally i will sacrifice for the sake of the relationship but i will prioritize my studies. if i really needed the money hence the full time job then ask him to help with your finances so you can do part time jobs.
if he doesn't help then his option is to just understand and if he can't understand then he is free to go
You are not wrong, he is.
It sounds like he is being selfish.
Right now, you are young and trying to get through school and are working.
There is nothing wrong with that whatsoever.
Let him know that if that is how he views things that yes, it is time to break up because he is just not as big a priority in your life right now that he would like to be.
If you don't then things will only get worse, and you will end up breaking up anyway.
you're not wrong for prioritizing your career and spending a lot of time so you can build your future. but he's not wrong for wanting a girlfriend that has "enough" time for him... so maybe breaking up is the best option for the both of you.
like do you have plans for the near future where you're not as busy and have more time for him? maybe that oulook will be a good compromise for him.
So you didn't work/have a daytime duty when you started... dating/relating/kissing/whatever you started and whatever you call it?
I've had school and a job since age 12, then at least duties during the day, so only troubles with girls who assume everyone is free 24x7 and does not need to work to get paid (not sex work, work work, like office/private or government business stuff)
This is why dating while in college can be a PITA. If he is not able to wait for you, or can't handle your scheduling, he is not the one for you. The other side of that. When i was dating my wife. i was working 60 - 70 hours per week. It was hard to do but i MADE time for her. Do you make time for him?
Well in reddits terms it's an NAH situation. Neither of you are in the wrong. You're currently managing a very tight schedule and that's great, but it does mean that you're gonna have less time for other things.
Similarly, your boyfriend is allowed to want someone who can spend more time with them.
At this point in time, your schedules don't match. If you can both hold out and stick together then great but if you decided to end things, it's alright, sometimes it happens.
He doesn’t support you
If he isn’t happy with you being busy than does he have the balls to take care of you? If not he should shut up and sit his ass down.
You guys are young now starting to finally see some
Green light of making some money and whatever yet he is not approval of that because his dick doesn’t realize there is other matters in life to handle.. to survive. If he can’t understand that he is isn’t at your level at all. Let him fly away with his nonsense broken wings
you're not in the wrong.
but neither are you two compatible anymore
what are you supposed to do give up work or college? no you shouldn't. you still could make some time for him every now and then which I assume you could and would pull off for him, he could be understanding and be okay with it. which he isn't being.
I think you’ll have to sit and work up a schedule. It’s not gonna be easy but it is doable. If he’s pretty much ready to break up without considering him having to considering tweaking his schedule also then he’s being foolish.
Sometimes relationships are all about time it's just bad time you have a lot going on in your life right now and it really seems like you don't have time for relationship so maybe you should move on because if his heart isn't in it he's just gonna end up cheating and hurting you anyway. So let him go and if it meant to be you'll see him again
Relationship are a lot about compromise also everyone has different needs.
I would tell him it’s only temporary if it’s for a personal goal your trying to reach.
If your planning to stay busy for life then you need to find someone else.
Maybe someone more ambitious.
Ok first meet with your boyfriend tell him that you are busy because you trying to make better career and it’s important for your future.
And Tell your boyfriend that he is also important. Then both of you discuss how you and your boyfriend manage this relationship with your busy schedule.
If he still saying he want break up after this. Then my opinion is you should break up. If he doesn’t understand you then he is not the right person for you.
This is actually a thing : if you are in a relationship, both of you guys would want to see each other. If you can't because one of you is always busy, well the other one can look for someone else to hang out with. I think most people would act like that. Not me though, I would respect that.
Women have a higher level of cheating on a guy or a man if she doesn’t feel loved and wanted. It’s obvious your boyfriend wants to spend time with you. It’s different if a boyfriend or husband is restricting his wife or girlfriend to gain success and be independent for herself as well. However, it’s a fine line to provide time and give effort. Your situation is different so I’m not going to say drop your job and your courses.
You should made sure there was time in the schedule for him before booking up more things. So he is right you don't priorities him as much as you should if you actually loved him.
It really depends on how long it would last. If it’s just a busy spurt at work, I could deal with it, but if I only saw them a few times a year, I’d want to find someone with a little more free time. Nothing against them. But the short version is why date someone you can never see?
Neither of you are wrong or right. You just have different priorities.. Nothing wrong with breaking up and finding more compatible partners for each other.
You ditch his ass first, obviously. He's only your boyfriend, not your fucking husband.
Tell the fucker he ain't paying your bills or getting your education for you.
A good thought about busy women.
Well, he feels neglected. Try to manage your time and whenever you're free spend quality time with him and make him feel special.
Yes , quality time is my love language , so if he’s always busy and doesn’t make time for me , that’s not gonna work for me
You are not wrong and he is not wrong either , it's just your benefits didn't match with his.
It's okay to be busy and work a 9-5 job if he wants to break up there is always more fish in the sea trust me he's not the only guy But try to make time for him.
I understand you but thing is you can make it work. You can make time for the one you love. Explain things to him. Tell him how it is for you. There's a solution for every problem or at least one of you may have to compromise.
Hey don’t fall for that, a boyfriend already and he thinks to break up with you over a dumb time table? He’s so wrong off himself. Dump him quick. Don’t let him make you suffer over something that so simple.
Yes u are in the wrong because ain't no one wants to be with anyone who can't spend time with them that not what a relationship is supposed to be about that seems to me to be a one-way Street just for you.
God Bless
His loss. You do you. Tbh if he doesn't understand that's not your problem and someone that you don't need to be with. I totally get his position in wanting to spend time with you but college life and working keeps you busy. Priorities!
Women do it to men all the time.
Morning sex before you leave for work. A blowjob or wank when you come home.
But leave the conroĺling loser now and tell him lrt his new girlfriend can do all that for him. Your no sex slave
I don't know much about my coworker’s relationship but from what I’m know she has 2 jobs and she’s going to school. I would assume that they’re doing just fine. I don’t wanna tell you what to do but I hope it’s a little obvious
I don't think either of you are wrong.
He just wants more time with his Girlfriend and you just have to work so if you really like him then try to offer him things that you can do when you do see him that you know he would love.
You are doing important stuff and he should be more supportive.
You’re not in the wrong. He should be supporting you, not being a brat. He sounds quite immature.
Your boyfriend should be supportive of you. You're trying to get a good education and be successful. If he can't understand that then he doesn't deserve to be with you
I think if he has options he should breakup with you. Clearly you don't love your 'boyfriend' and he should definitely look for better options.
Omg. No. You aren’t doing anything wrong. Your working hard.
in my opinion you're a normal level of busy and maybe he needs to find something to occupy his time with.
Would you want your partner to break up with you because you're to busy, busy is a fact life everyone gets busy from time to time
patience young grasshopper, you must learn patience
My point is to reverse the thr point of view "reverse psychology"
In closing I will ad that young people these days dont clue common sense is not common anymore, you have had it to easy you're worried about these that you can't change just except what you've got and make the best of it,
And when life throws you a curve ball lean in and take one for the team
Because its not all about you
leave him. If he can not support you in your work and education then he won't support you in motherhood or other life choices either. He is selfish and self centered.
It's just a matter of priority
Everything is important in life
You both have to compromise little bit
He should understand your situation and you also need to understand him.
Relationship should not be one sided or forced.
Do you. Being busy isn’t a bad thing. Don’t stop just because he ain’t doing anything. Let him go find someone else on that level as you.
You are not the wrong one , it seems your boyfriend doesn't know u well. If he did , there must be adjustment. It seems ur boyfriend is clingy🤧
Well unless he wants to afford all ur needs and give future security then it's fine, the future is in our own hands not someone else #justsayin
If it's a long-term relationship it might be worth fighting for but if only dating yes I would end it
u forgot to tell us how often u guys meet , once a week is still good in my opinion , if he can't deal with it , let him go
It sounds like you're neglecting him. Do you even care about him at all? Or is he just an accessory?
If people cannot spend the time, the relationship will generally whither and die.
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