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This guy told me a few months ago his father abused his step-brothers. He’s still in touch with his father which I can understand in a way but find creepy. He seems to have problems being honest and to have a low self-esteem… We don’t live in the same country so it’s pretty risk-free to just talk.
Is it more likely for him to be a rapist/pedophile?
u Your question is NOT stupid, and I don't consider it to be gender biased or any of these other criticisms that have been hurled at you. Being a childhood victim of abuse is a recognized risk factor in a child becoming an adult and becoming the abuser. https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/childabuseandneglect/riskprotectivefactors.html It is not generally considered to be a matter of genetic predisposition but more a mater of learned behaviors.
The problem is that, of course, not everyone who is abused as a child becomes an adult abuser of children. Therefore, if you rule out dating any guy with such a history, then you are eliminating many guys who will never become an abuser.
A guy who is dating to find a wife could decide to not date any girl with a family history of breast cancer, because if he marries a girl with that history, there is a greater chance that she will die at an early age due to breast cancer, leaving him a widower. And his children will also be at a greater risk of developing breast cancer. Who would want that for their children?
If you want to use a statistcal approach and risk factors to eliminate potentially bad partners, then how many criteria do you use to screen dates? Eliminate everyone with a family history of alcohol or drug addiction, mental illness, inherited metabolic disorders, sudden coronary death syndrome, early onset dementia, etc? You could narrow the field down until there are very few people left, and you might not be attracted to those who remain!
An alternative is to date someone who has a "red flag" family history, and be hypervigilant for signs that this person is, in fact, predisposed to the condition that you are trying to avoid.
Good luck!
Ngl this kinda is a bummer but I understand the concern. I don’t think all people who are abused will become abusers and I think some people who know abusers (especially a parent or elder) still feels responsible for them in some way. I mean that’s his family member so don’t expect him to drop him but I’d be more concerned about the lying part. Are you interested in this guy? It doesn’t sound like you’re gunna build trust with him. I’d cut it off.
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Yo are obviously over your head if you do not understand abused and abuser when one is in a pre-existing power dynamic. Good luck with him.
I wish GAG would have a “top most judgmental and stupid question of the week”. You would quickly get voted number one. I mean sure let’s just assume that all men who had abusive parents would inevitably become rapists & pedophiles. Smdh.
Seriously let’s imagine this identical question was instead asked by a man who was talking to a woman who said her mother was like this. Then let’s imagine the male asker assumed that she would be prone to being an abuser herself since she was abused. How what that go over? Huh?
Women complain about men not being vulnerable and emotionally “available”. But when they are open look what happens. Way to go. Good work.
You are a judgmental piece of shit. Seriously. If he’s really a dangerous guy then you judge him on his own actions/behavior vs. the actions he suffered at the hands of other people. What you are assuming about him with zero proof is sick and disgusting. In fact you are sick and disgusting for jumping to that kind of conclusion with absolutely zero justification. I hope he just stops talking to you.
My mom was/is a crazy bar bitch cheater that takes advantage of men. Me, and my two sisters are nothing like her. We, unlike her, have held down relationships for over a decade now... her track record is much different.
My mom is literally someone that is much older than me, that still acts like an angry self-entitled bitch that thinks she's smarter than any and everything. Look at my age and guestimate her age... she needs to grow up but I think she never will.
I don’t think being abusive is necessarily a genetic trait lol
however it is common that those who experienced abuse when they were younger are more likely to become abusers themselves.
But if you haven’t experienced any red flags then I don’t think there's any reason to think he’d be the same
First off dating from different countries without a meeting is dubious at best, I don't know how well you can even know someone... Still to each their own.
It's slightly hard to judge however when you haven't got a great grasp of who he is in my opinion. There is nothing genetic about being the victim of abuse, and yes he probably has his own set of issues, but ultimately it's a take it or leave it
i feel like you're looking at the completely wrong things... the fact that he doesn't even live in the same country should be your first clue not to get involved in dating him.
just because his father abused him has nothing to do with if he's dating material. wtf? no one can predict if he will become a rapist/pedo...
No. Not at all.
There may be some statistical evidence, but people are capable of their own agency. Being touched as a child is not an excuse to do it as an adult.
Pedophilia is not hereditary. Educate yourself and do some research.
We call these people, sperm donors. The fact that’s associated with his father IS UGH, imagine what his step brothers are thinking. I ditched my aunt for siding with my biological abuser.
No, it's more likely for him to be depressed. Counseling could help. He doesn't have to repeat his father's behavior.
So you don’t want history to repeat itself in the event you breed with him, or have him do that to you. Makes sense
Behavior isn't inherited because people are not clones of their parents, gene mixing causes unpredictable behavior and comprehension skill outcomes. You cannot breed for smarts or saftey.
Ufff thats so crazy to read... sorry. There is definetly a difference between abuser and abused. Uff thats realy...
That has fuck all to do with his genetic background, to be honest.
I know it seems mean but I would. She'd have to be something special for me to want to have to deal with all the potential problems you're going to have to face.
It does sound like your friend was abused also. In any case, this guy has a LOT of luggage to unpack. How committed to him are you?
Why carry on with someone who lives in a different country in the first place?
Sounds pretty cold... That'll likely add to his trauma and potential chance to be abusive... Certainly won't trust.
This was painful to read. Ignore this guy.
no that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard
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