This guy told me a few months ago his father abused his step-brothers. He’s still in touch with his father which I can understand in a way but find creepy. He seems to have problems being honest and to have a low self-esteem… We don’t live in the same country so it’s pretty risk-free to just talk.
Is it more likely for him to be a rapist/pedophile?
u Your question is NOT stupid, and I don't consider it to be gender biased or any of these other criticisms that have been hurled at you. Being a childhood victim of abuse is a recognized risk factor in a child becoming an adult and becoming the abuser. https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/childabuseandneglect/riskprotectivefactors.html It is not generally considered to be a matter of genetic predisposition but more a mater of learned behaviors.
The problem is that, of course, not everyone who is abused as a child becomes an adult abuser of children. Therefore, if you rule out dating any guy with such a history, then you are eliminating many guys who will never become an abuser.
A guy who is dating to find a wife could decide to not date any girl with a family history of breast cancer, because if he marries a girl with that history, there is a greater chance that she will die at an early age due to breast cancer, leaving him a widower. And his children will also be at a greater risk of developing breast cancer. Who would want that for their children?
If you want to use a statistcal approach and risk factors to eliminate potentially bad partners, then how many criteria do you use to screen dates? Eliminate everyone with a family history of alcohol or drug addiction, mental illness, inherited metabolic disorders, sudden coronary death syndrome, early onset dementia, etc? You could narrow the field down until there are very few people left, and you might not be attracted to those who remain!
An alternative is to date someone who has a "red flag" family history, and be hypervigilant for signs that this person is, in fact, predisposed to the condition that you are trying to avoid.
Good luck!
Thanks. He wasn’t abused by his dad though. His dad raped his stepbrothers.
Thanks for MHO!
@OlderAndWiser maybe the statistics back up. But I could pull up statistics that minorities are more likely to be involved in domestic violence and abuse. Hence women need “watch out” when getting involved with them. No seriously, how would that fly?
People wonder why men are so hush hush about the sexual abuse thad some of them have suffered when they were children. This just permeates the reason why. Not only somehow “pathetic” for it happening but also they are to be forever viewed with suspicion that they will very likely repeat this behavior. Such a wonderful way to treat men who went through this.
@blueonblack22 Maybe yu should actually read my entire post, or read it again. You seem to have missed the point I made.
Ngl this kinda is a bummer but I understand the concern. I don’t think all people who are abused will become abusers and I think some people who know abusers (especially a parent or elder) still feels responsible for them in some way. I mean that’s his family member so don’t expect him to drop him but I’d be more concerned about the lying part. Are you interested in this guy? It doesn’t sound like you’re gunna build trust with him. I’d cut it off.
Based on what he said, he tends to act that way with people he finds really attractive. I guess it’s part of having low self-esteem.
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Yo are obviously over your head if you do not understand abused and abuser when one is in a pre-existing power dynamic. Good luck with him.
Good luck with someone who lives in an other continent than mine? I guess I’ll be all right lol.
I wish GAG would have a “top most judgmental and stupid question of the week”. You would quickly get voted number one. I mean sure let’s just assume that all men who had abusive parents would inevitably become rapists & pedophiles. Smdh.
Seriously let’s imagine this identical question was instead asked by a man who was talking to a woman who said her mother was like this. Then let’s imagine the male asker assumed that she would be prone to being an abuser herself since she was abused. How what that go over? Huh?
Women complain about men not being vulnerable and emotionally “available”. But when they are open look what happens. Way to go. Good work.
You are a judgmental piece of shit. Seriously. If he’s really a dangerous guy then you judge him on his own actions/behavior vs. the actions he suffered at the hands of other people. What you are assuming about him with zero proof is sick and disgusting. In fact you are sick and disgusting for jumping to that kind of conclusion with absolutely zero justification. I hope he just stops talking to you.
Funny how my question was selected as :”great” by GAG. Maybe you should just stop answering questions you find that stupid…
It shows your warped judgment on things. This guy didn’t have a choice to have a stepfather like that nor did he choose to suffer the abuse he did. Yet you assumed that he is genetically “prone” to being the same way despite there being no evidence otherwise.
This is like telling a female rape victim that she is now undateable because she’s destined to be mentally unstable for the rest of her. In fact it’s even worse than that since you are alluding him being a potential pedo.
That is by and far the absolute worst insult you can give a man. Most men would rather be falsely accused of murder than being accused of being a pedo.
So yes I am going to tell you what you NEED to hear vs. what you WANT to hear. Your judgment does have consequences.
And again no sane man would ever openly judge a female sexual abuse survivor like that. Feminists go off about how men “victim shame” female victims (I’ve never seen a man in real life do that) and look at what you are saying.
You wonder why men are so angry nowadays? It’s because of this disgusting hypocrisy. Did you even stop to pause for split second about what you are saying? Apparently not.
You haven’t read properly. He wasn’t abused himself. His father abused HIS stepbrothers…
What I did read properly is that you believe that pedophilia is genetic which is absolutely batshit insane. And even if he didn’t mention he was abused himself it’s been alluded to since he was raised by the same stepdad.
All that aside he is VICTIM of association. Not a GUILTY of association. He didn’t get to choose his stepdad. It also sounds like he isn’t too fond him considering he was willing to tell you that.
Bottom line is if you are going to assume that somebody is a pedo you better have some rock solid God damn hard evidence. It seems that more and more women are throwing that phrase around nowadays almost liberally as they use the word “creep” to describe anybody who gives them an off vibe.
Do you even realize what you are saying? Feminists keep chastising the absolutely living f*ck out of men for using gender derogatory slangs like “slut, whore, cunt”. So now more women think it’s okay to double and triple down calling men gross slangs like “creep” or more disgustingly “pedo” with no proof other than a “feeling” they have?
I’m sick of seeing this double standard bullshit.
First, I think it’s legitimate to be careful with who get to be in my life.
Second, it weirds me out that he still see his father despite all the awful things he did (he said he wasn’t abused himself).
And finally, I’m pretty concerned about other stuff he did and want some insights to know if his relationship with his dad could be an issue or not.
Pedophilia may or may not be genetic but it is most certainly a LEARNT behaviour it is WHY most pedophiles were sexually assaulted as children. It's proven time and time again. One of the most obvious cases would be Michael Jackson who was a pedophile and who was abused by his father.
Try to educate yourself before you blubber then you won't sound incredibly stupid.
Also there is the bizarre fact - since you seem to be unable to read & comprehend basic English - that this man keeps in contact with his father DESPITE the KNOWN abuse of the step brothers.
The lack of self confidence & the inability to be honest indicates that he was likely abused... why would the father only abuse step brothers & not the son pedohiles do not discriminate... as well but unlike his step brothers is still under his father's pull. Maybe father treated him better in the abuse.
@asker just spare yourself further embarrassment and admit it was really bad idea to ask a question like this. You could of asked a general question about criminality and specifically pedophilia being a genetic vs. learned behavior without going into details about your “friend”.
Sure he’s in another country. Sure he is far away. But I wonder if you met this guy in a group friends and later connected with him later. Say he brought up his life story to you and later you brought up this ”pedo” insinuation while gossiping with your friends who also know who he is. Whether they agree with you or not you have just placed one hell of a damaging insult on his reputation. You are putting mental images of his behavior into other people’s minds despite having no solid evidence about him. When other people see him they might will likely look at him differently because of a disgusting unjustified insinuation. All in all just to express “your feelings”.
I am seeing more and more woman falsely accuse innocent men of horrible behavior nowadays just because of “their feelings”. Your words do have real life consequences. If you are so adamant on getting advice then ask a general question without bringing up a specific person.
Also you are just a neon sign reminder that men shouldn’t trust women with opening up about vulnerabilities and struggles. He said that too you in confidentially. Sure you are anon and he is too. But I wonder what you would blurt out if you were among your girlfriends who all knew this guy. I sure as hell wouldn’t trust you with anything. This is picture perfect reason why men need to keep their mouths shut.
"I am seeing more and more woman falsely accuse innocent men of horrible behavior nowadays just because of “their feelings”.
Explain WHY the guy is hanging around with a sexual predator? Who was KNOWN to have abused the step brothers.
@BigWhiteWolf87 he’s that guy’s stepfather and his family. He’s just not random dude he made friends with a while ago.
Yes you can make an argument that he should distance himself from this guy. However with family it’s rarely that simple. His stepdad might still be married to his mother who has to see. They might still have family get togethers. Who knows. Even the asker admitted “she sorta understood that”. Also in some cultures have very strong family loyalty even in insane scenarios like this.
But back to the main point. She assumed this guy might be a pedo because of “genetics.” That’s insane.
It depends on the country. Male to male pedohilia or sexual relations is very taboo. It is why in some countries gays have been stoned to death. Go to some of the smaller remote villages and there is no trial, the child abuser is destined to die and it oftentimes isn't a quick death either.
I am going off of the guy's other behaviors. His lack of self confidence & inability to be honest. Only an fool would refer to such behavior as normal or even "good" behavior. It indicates that there is a likely problem with the person's upbringing and given the abuse of the other boys a good possibility he was likewise abused.
And as said statistically pedophiles were sexually abused as children.
@BigWhiteWolf87 and you are doing a lot of reaching and making an a lot of assumptions based on the very limited information she presented about this guy. And again she could of brought this topic without discussing this person directly.
Also did she at any point said he referred to “such behavior as normal or even "good" behavior.” Maybe she did somewhere deep in the comments. If he really said that then good riddens she should stop talking to him. But as far as I know he did NOT say that. Sounds like he talks about his stepdad disdainfully as he should. However given his stepdad is family it isn’t as simple as we assume for him to cut him off.
All in all there is some strong misandrist undertones to all of this. She’s assuming he’s a potential pedo just because his stepfather is and he happens to still be in touch with him. That is doing more reaching than Gumby. And what she is accusing him of being is extremely serious.
It seems like you too want to explore the possibility that this guy is in fact guilty of being a pedo based on bizarre abstract information vs. solid and concrete information about what his guy has admitted to doing in his own life. Don’t deny that here is confirmation bias going on here. Men after all are never to be trusted, right?
The irony of your whining is you're the ONLY one that has called the guy a pedo you ignorant fool.
She never did. She questioned if there was cause for alarm off his behavior and the family history. NO WHERE does she say he is a pedo. YOU ARE THE ONE THAT BLUBBERS about it.
Even I didn't call him a pedo. I also question his odd behavior which even WITHOUT the history of the pedophilic father would be UNDESIRABLE.
Sorry, but I have never spread any gossip about someone I know or knew. I think your proportion to suppose how I behave is quite offensive. You don’t know me. I have the right to ask a question like this. It seems legitimate to have concerns. Now, if it hurts your feelings in some way, it may be better for you to spend your time elsewhere.
My mom was/is a crazy bar bitch cheater that takes advantage of men. Me, and my two sisters are nothing like her. We, unlike her, have held down relationships for over a decade now... her track record is much different.
My mom is literally someone that is much older than me, that still acts like an angry self-entitled bitch that thinks she's smarter than any and everything. Look at my age and guestimate her age... she needs to grow up but I think she never will.
It doesn’t seem like your mother is a criminal though.
I only lived with her for 3 years... during that I've seen her stab, shoot, and hit my youngest sister's Dad. She's been arrested a lot. Somehow got her record wiped. CPS removed us kids to foster homes because she wasn't feeding us.
So maybe not a criminal like one would think of a criminal would be... but she still is bad JuJu.
All right.
I agree.
You only lived with her for 3 years. Compared to someone who may have lived with the sexual abuser for their entire life...
Your story doesn't hold any merit or value.
@BigWhiteWolf87 Oh we're doing comparisons now? Alright... first... who asked you? Second, I believe you're probably missing the point. Also what about my sisters that had to live with her their entire life? and I'm starting to hear from my youngest sister there was sexual abuse in her case... probably by one of those fucking guys my Mom would drag home from the bar.
The point was my Mom was a piece of shit and none of us ended up being like her.
@BigWhiteWolf87 I mean seriously, you just skipped the entire point to show everybody what a big giant brain you have. I'm clapping for you... with one hand... so you can't hear it.
@d_bone_steak - you've proven you're a bit unstable by your constant responses and automatic overly defensive response. Typical of mental health issues - specifically anti social behavior disorders - and I say that as someone who has worked in the field as medical personal for over a decade.
@BigWhiteWolf87 I'm a fucking stranger and you just tried to gaslight me just now.
So who is crazy? Why are you even talking?
@BigWhiteWolf87 ... and you still missed the entire point.
I don’t think being abusive is necessarily a genetic trait lol
however it is common that those who experienced abuse when they were younger are more likely to become abusers themselves.
But if you haven’t experienced any red flags then I don’t think there's any reason to think he’d be the same
Honestly, there were other “red flags” :
1. One of his friends goes to prostitutes and the only thing that seems to bother him is the STDs risk factor
2. It looks like he didn’t ask their ex girlfriends what they liked in bed and just tried some stuff based on his friends advice
Otherwise, he seems pretty nice, not pushy or possessive either so… I don’t know.
First off dating from different countries without a meeting is dubious at best, I don't know how well you can even know someone... Still to each their own.
It's slightly hard to judge however when you haven't got a great grasp of who he is in my opinion. There is nothing genetic about being the victim of abuse, and yes he probably has his own set of issues, but ultimately it's a take it or leave it
i feel like you're looking at the completely wrong things... the fact that he doesn't even live in the same country should be your first clue not to get involved in dating him.
just because his father abused him has nothing to do with if he's dating material. wtf? no one can predict if he will become a rapist/pedo...
I don’t plan to date him. I mean how can you go on dates with someone who live that far? It’s just fun that’s all. But if I started to appreciate him and we became friends, I want to be sure it’s safe.
well you put this question in the dating category, just saying...
and talking to someone online you don't know in real life will always have its dangers.
No. Not at all.
There may be some statistical evidence, but people are capable of their own agency. Being touched as a child is not an excuse to do it as an adult.
He wasn’t raped as a child. His brothers were.
In that instance, I would say he's even more insulated from it than the statistics would say.
I myself was sexually assaulted as a child, as well as my brother in front of me. We both have children and while never openly discussed, I'm extremely confident we would execute a pedophile LONG before we consider becoming one ourselves. I don't think of myself as an outlier, just a normal person who's been abused and now has children he wishes to keep from being abused.
Thanks for your answer.
Do you think it’s weird he keeps seeing his father?
Maybe. Then again, he may feel a sense of responsibility for what happened. Who really knows.
@shiftingmonke - It's unfortunate what happened to you & brother but the problem is, is most pedohilies were abused as children.
As for this guy having connection with the father still plus the lack of self confidence & inability to be honest. I would assume - as someone who works in health care / mental health - without meeting him that he was most likely abused as well. His behavior is all in sync with an abused child. And that he may not have escaped the father's influence unlike the step brothers.
@BigWhiteWolf87 i bring it up not seeking pity but to demonstrate that its not set in stone. You even confirmed that he wasn't raped as a child, but now you say he was likely abused. Do you know for sure what happened to him? Because it doesn't seem like it.
But okay, if that's your perspective, then why would you even risk it? If you're adamant that he's a high risk person in another country, an online forum seems like a terrible place to determine the course of action going forward, as you've already essentially castigated him as a predator-in-waiting. With all that said, this entire thread comes off as a tremendous waste of time.
Well no. I’m just wondering. Hence the question.
@shiftingmonke - explain why else he lacks self confidence, has an inability to be honest, and hangs out with his father who is known to have abused the stepbrothers.
Pedophilia is not hereditary. Educate yourself and do some research.
But it DOES cross generations. Victims become abusers!
@Guardian45 Exactly.
Ufff thats so crazy to read... sorry. There is definetly a difference between abuser and abused. Uff thats realy...
What’s so crazy about that?
Abused frequently become abusers
@Guardian45 indeed!
What if you were told that you had 30% chance of dying. Would that be a lot?
We call these people, sperm donors. The fact that’s associated with his father IS UGH, imagine what his step brothers are thinking. I ditched my aunt for siding with my biological abuser.
Exactly. That’s why I’m concerned he might be weird himself…
If you’re doubting, maybe reevaluate the relationship.
Behavior isn't inherited because people are not clones of their parents, gene mixing causes unpredictable behavior and comprehension skill outcomes. You cannot breed for smarts or saftey.
No, it's more likely for him to be depressed. Counseling could help. He doesn't have to repeat his father's behavior.
So you don’t want history to repeat itself in the event you breed with him, or have him do that to you. Makes sense
I do think criminal parents tend to produce criminal or defective descendants. I just don’t want someone crazy in my life. I mean everyone has issues and life is hard so everyone gets wounded. Then, why making it even harder by associating with fucked-up people? That’s basically the point here.
That has fuck all to do with his genetic background, to be honest.
I know it seems mean but I would. She'd have to be something special for me to want to have to deal with all the potential problems you're going to have to face.
What kind of problems in your opinion?
All kinds if he's been abused. When you form a relationship with someone your also forming a relationship with every unresolved trauma they've endured to that point. I wouldn't KNOWINGLY get involved with that.
It does sound like your friend was abused also. In any case, this guy has a LOT of luggage to unpack. How committed to him are you?
Why do you think he was abused too? He said he wasn’t.
It seems unlikely that only his stepbrothers were abused by his dad
Then why doesn’t he remember?
Blocking is absolutely a symptom of trauma
That’s a possibility.
Why carry on with someone who lives in a different country in the first place?
He was a pretty interesting and nice person to interact with. We met on an app to learn languages.
If you get "creepy, pedo," vibes move on.
Sounds pretty cold... That'll likely add to his trauma and potential chance to be abusive... Certainly won't trust.
This was painful to read. Ignore this guy.
no that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard
Dumbest or simply bothering?
OP sounds like low tier genetics tbh.
What do you think you sound like lol?
not like you thats for sure.
Whatever works for you
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