Question from an NBSB, is it okay to be sexting with mutiple men?

[Anonymous]

I’ve never had a boyfriend. Recently I started “talking” to a few guys I met online separately and apart from sexting, communication with them has been great. I get to talk to these men about anything: movies, life topics, games, family, problems. These men are a good mix of naughty, fun, and nice. It felt like I also gained friends but with sexy time? Lol. Since relationships between each of them hasn’t really been defined, is it okay to continue talking to them?

[SteveSmith1985]

Yes, you are fine continuing to talk to all of them. As you said, the key is that "no relationship has been defined." Meaning, you have made no commitments to any of them with regards to exclusivity. You don't owe it to any of these guys to be exclusive. So you are 100% good-to-go.

When looking at questions of appropriate behavior in the context of sex/relationships/dating... here's the main way to evaluate whatever the question may be:

Almost always the key concept to look at is "DECEPTION"

If you are deceiving someone (if for example a guy think you're only seeing them, when you're talking to other guys) then what you're doing is wrong.

If however, nobody is being deceived about anything... whatever you're doing is just fine.

So go ahead and cheat on your wife... if you've talked to your wife about it beforehand. In that case, nobody is being deceived, and the behavior is fine.

It's deception that's usually the key. 🙂

[Asker]

Thank you for the valuable insight. Definitely put things in perspective. I never thought of deceiving anyone, but the opportunity to open the discussion of me entertaining others has not presented it self yet. And, I just assumed that they are also most likely exploring options too which is why it hasn’t been brought up yet. Should I open it up to these men when they are not asking about it?

[SteveSmith1985]

No. At least not until you're hoping to become exclusive with any one of them in particular. If you aren't interested in hopefully becoming exclusive with some specific person you're talking to, then it's implied that you both could be seeing other people.

Now, this is something that can become a problem if two people are in a situation where they are becoming close in a way that is special and implies (to any emotionally reasonable person) exclusivity... but nobody has SAID anything about being exclusive out loud. This part is not applicable to your situation.

The reason I bring it up, is because this is a topic that is common, and sticky unless you handle it head-on. So much so, I came up with my own name for it because I have to talk about it so often with so many people on here. It's an "exclusivity conversation."

So technically, no obligations are made, until they're said explicitly. Often people are too nervous to ask the person their dating to be exclusive with them (it's kinda like asking someone out all over again. You go from "dating" to "boyfriend and girlfriend").

[SteveSmith1985]

Since in situations (not yours) people often EXPECT exclusivity of someone (they would feel betrayal if the other person saw someone else) before they get the guts to have that "exclusivity conversation."

So quite often I'm urging someone to have that exclusivity conversation since they clearly really really like this person, and really really really hope that they aren't even looking at anyone else. They are super emotionally invested and definitely want more from the other person. I urge them to ask.

I tell you all that to try and give you some context or perspective on what YOUR situation means.

So you can assume that nobody is being deceived until you have that conversation out-loud, or you are getting close enough to somebody in particular in a very intense way; and there is some reasonable grounds for believing that THEY believe that you would be morally wrong to see someone else. (If you feel like somebody feels this way, it's time to have the "we're not exclusive, you know that right?" conversation. Which I've never had to urge anybody to give. Way less common)

So explore all the options you want. Assume you're deceiving nobody. You aren't. You'll... know... if somebody starts thinking that they mean more to you than they truly do. You'll be able to see/feel that. Because it feels awkward as shit. You'll be keenly aware that "this guy likes me too much" because it'll be more than you're comfortable with.

Therefore, you are just... good-to-go. Explore without worrying your deceiving anyone. You won't be. 🙂

[SunnyRS]

Sure if they know what's going on too and they don't think of it as a relationship.
Otherwise you would just be stringing them along.

[Asker]

Oh the chance to talk about me chatting with others has not presented itself yet. The men are not asking about it, so, is it safe to assume that they’re chatting with others too?

[SunnyRS]

Can be.
But don't let anyone get too attached though.

[shortster]

If you aren't in a relationship or in an open one it is okay. What is NBSB?

[Asker]

I see thanks for that. NBSB means No Boyfriend Since Birth.

[shortster]

Okay, thanks.

[boggboss]

Why wpuldnt it be OK

[Asker]

I guess the thought that I am entertaining different men is alien to me.