Am I picky and controlling if these are my required and preferred traits in a guy?

[Bethany22]

It should be easy to find a guy that meets the requirements, right? I think it's pretty depressing if one couldn't. Preferred traits may be more difficult.

Required traits:

• Non-smoker/drinker (both past present and future)
• pro-abortionist
• Must be faithful/loyal
• Safety-oriented (ex. still wears a mask in public)

Preferred traits:

• calm/patient
• Good long-term memory
• Shows concern about my well-being

My requirements are too controlling

Both my requirements and preferences are unrealistic

My requirements on their own are realistic

My requirements are realistic, but my preferences along with them aren't

Other

[RavVid]

On the whole I think your requirements and preferences are mostly reasonable. I'll make some comments on some in the spirit of helpful feed back.

1. Fidelity is a minimum req for most of us. Ditto for concern for well being

2. Non drinker smoker. Ok to not want a drunk but is a person who likes fine wine out-of court?

3. Calm/patient. Good successful traits but maybe not that much fun as someone that gets excited.

4. Pro abortion. This I think comes down to having the same political views. Also most major religions have difficulty with abortion. It is is possible to agree to disagree with respect. Just saying is all.

Thought it more helpful to give genuine feed back.

[Anonymous]

All reasonable. More than that.

Unlike many girls You're not asking for minimum height or money or matching zodiac signs.

[Opinion Owner]

Thanks for the most helpful opinion.

[SteveSmith1985]

I think this all sounds perfectly realistic. Both your required and preferred traits. You forgot to put that as an option in the survey. (Unless your premise is that both can't be fine, since you haven't found that match yet. Which is just silly. Hopefully it was just forgetting a category).

You'll be able to find someone like this. You shouldn't settle for less. 🙂

[Guffrus]

Your advise is normally pretty sound but you have shit the bed this time.

I suggest you go and do some fact checking.

[SteveSmith1985]

@Guffrus Well I do occasionally shit the bed. This could certainly be one of those times. Especially with this question in particular.

I am biased here. Extremely. On this question specifically. It's quite possible that's affecting my answer.

So first, I am not all that different from what she is looking for. I definitely smoke, and smoke a ton of pot but otherwise, my reaction to this is: "Well shit, that just sounds like a good guy." That's the kind of guy she SHOULD be looking for. Being single myself, I have this feeling that: surely I can't be all that rare (someone with similar views who is single. Or someone who would fit most of her criteria). So I can certainly acknowedge that my own personal feelings does colour how I feel about this question. I'm biased. I certainly did not do any fact checking. None whatsoever. This is reasonable TO ME. But I suppose I can only really say reasonable "to me."

I think you should elaborate on what exactly you think if so wrong about this, for the sake of the OP. I really don't mind you disagreeing, or telliing me you think I'm wrong. But, please explain your reasons or criticisms so the OP gets the most info possible. I'm not married to my answer here. I do personally feel this is perfectly reasonable.

But if there are facts that suggest what I've said here is wrong or misguided, could you please mention them? I'm really not trying to pick an internet fight with you. I really do mean for the OP's benefit. Not to try and defend what I wrote here as 'correct' (unless you wrote your own reply to this question already. I wrote this before checking) 🙂

[SteveSmith1985]

@guffrus

I see you did write your own reply explaining where you're coming from. Now, while I don't have the same passionate reaction to this as you do. You DID force me to re-read the original post. And you did make me realize I made a huge mistake (two actually).

I answered this quickly at like 4am when I couldn't sleep. The OP was very specific about it being "past and present" when it comes to the smoking and drinking. The op was also specific about it being someone who "still" wears a mask in public. I was not paying attention to either of those two things. Which... obviously I should have.

Given that. I would have to agree with your overall point that there are not going to be very many people at all who STILL wear a mask in public and who have NEVER smoked nor drank.

I would like to retract my original answer. My original answer was giving the OP credit for not being wholey unreasonable. This is indeed unreasonable. Especially the never smoked or drank part. It's fine to want a guy who DOESN'T smoke or drink. But it's absurd and unreasonable to demand that someone NEVER smoked or drank. If the dude smoked for two years in high school... I don't see what possible diffference that should make to a partner. And I'd have to agree that there are very very very very few people who fall into that category.

Same with the mask. I am generally "pro-mask". I had no problem wearing one. But I'm not wearing one anymore, and haven't been for a while. Moreover only a tiny fraction of people are still wearing masks from what I can see. Therefore there would naturally be only a tiny tiny tiny number of single guys out there who are still wearing a mask in public.

Finding a guy who still wears a mask whose never tried a cigarette or had a glass of wine. Is going to be nearly impossible unless the OP looks somewhere where a guy like that is more likely to be found (I have no idea where that would be).

[SteveSmith1985]

So while, again, I don't feel quite as strongly about this as you do. At all. I DID totally fuck up on answering this question. And I appreciate you bringing it to my attention. Because I do have to change my answer to: "Yea this is unreasonable. The required traits specifically are unreasonable. The preferred ones are fine.

Scary that I read this question my own way. I don't know what happened there. I'm glad you caught this for me. Because my first answer was a dirty lie. (an accidental one).

No more 4am GAG maybe.

[Bethany22]

I obviously don't mind if a guy has one or two glasses of beer/wine every now and again. It's sad that everyone who posted on here acts as though you can't make it through life without trying a cigarette though, let alone smoking a lot of it in high school. And if it was indeed in high school when they tried smoking, that's even worse than if they tried it at any other time in their adult life, because it's a sign we were raised in different family backgrounds, and we might feel alienated when talking to one another. I have had serious health issues in my life that caused my family members to be paranoid about my health, so I acknowledge that that has caused me to think that everyone else is too careless about their health and indifferent towards mine. Something I will just have to deal with by myself I guess.

[SteveSmith1985]

I find the way that you think interesting.

On the smoking thing in particular I think you're making a wild leap in assumptions. I was raised in about "the most ideal" family you can imagine. I smoke now, and smoked in high school too. But... thinking that we would have incompatable values just because I happened to have rebelled when I was a kid (especially if it had only been in high school) would probably be a mistake. Thinking that someone choosing to experiment with smoking in highschool says anything at all about what kind of family they're raised in... is clearly not accurate.

The reason people act like it's impossible for someone to get through life without trying a cigarette is because, statistically that's quite true. High school is the time for experimenting, for doing stupid shit, and is very much the time when all kinds of "good kids" might experiment with smoking. It's a super-normal part of growing up for most people. It's so normal that it's absurd to think that it says anything at all about what kind of family raised them or what kind of values they might have.

I'm not saying you need to accept somebody who smokes. That's fair. I'm just saying you are really making a totally unwarranted assumption about anyone who has smoked in the past. Smoking is not a moral failure. Nor is it a sign of some sort of failure on the part of the guys family. Thinking that would mean only a small fraction of guys aren't tainted by having tried a cigarette at some point.

[SteveSmith1985]

To me, that's super over-the-top unreasonable. But it's your assumptions about what it means or likely means that's unreasonable. I think you should re-examine whethre someone smoking in their past, really means what you're assuming it means about them. It really doesn't. The evidence for that is all around you. Almost everybody has tried smoking.

This would be like swearing. If you want a guy who doesn't swear. That's fair. But if you assume that a guy must have been raised wrong or must not share you values because he HAS sworn at times in the past? That's crazy right. This is literally just as bad. You are just super anti-smoking. Not super-anti-swearing. But it's no more of a legitimate assumption on your part than on the hypothetical woman who hates swearing.

I think you can find what your looking for. But I think you're looking the wrong criteria. If you need a guy who is health conscious, and who is particularly conscious of your heath as well... then cool. That's fair. But to think that such a guy necessarily never smoked (people can change and grow) is just wrong. Like it's the wrong way to measure "a guys fit for healthy living and concern for your health too". It's just the wrong thing to measure that by. 🙂

[Bethany22]

Thank you, that's helpful advice :)

[AviatorTom]

A guy can be safety-oriented and not wear a mask in public

[boombastik]

Right, the data alone tells you that wearing a mask does more harm than good

[JamesHarrys]

A guy can use condoms so that a woman shouldn't need to go through an abortion.
A woman could use contraception as well, they even have plan B.
But she talks about safety-oriented and abortion as if the two were synonymous :sideeye:

[Bethany22]

@JamesHarrys what if she gets raped?

[JamesHarrys]

I'm not against abortion, but I'm definitely not "pro" either. I must have deleted my other comment on this very point, but yes, abortions for rape victims, minors, illnesses, high health risks, deformities and even financial instability are "valid" reasons for early termination. Accidents happens, yes, but my point is, that using abortion as a contraceptive is morally wrong, especially when there's a ton of options out there for women to prevent pregnancy. Keyword being prevention.

"On the other hand, smaller proportions of women in 2004 than in 1987 said that having a baby would interfere with their job or career (38% vs. 50%), that they were not mature enough (22% vs. 27%), that their husband or partner wanted them to have an abortion (14% vs. 24%), and that they and their partner could not or did not want to get married (12% vs. 30%). In both surveys, 1% indicated that they had been victims of rape, and less than half a percent said they became pregnant as a result of incest."

Source: Guttmacher. org

[Kaneki05]

Your Preferred traits should be your Required traits and they make sense.

However your Required ones are questionable. Aside from of course Loyal and Pro-Abortion these make sense.
But Non-smoking/drinker? why does this include past? How does such a thing impact you now? You would reject someone just for trying it once? What if they are quitting maybe vaping to stop or just drink way less than used to and etc questions come up which I think a reasonable person would vary their responses rather than just a hard stance to every scenario.

The same with the mask one basically stuff like this I think a more reasonable response would be to have different answers based on the circumstances. Like it's one thing to 100% no to someone who thinks Masks were made up by the government to supress freedom on us somehow compared to someone who don't go out much and when does stay's away from people so never really bothered with mask.

Your examples wasn't detailed so perhaps you do consider different responses to different circumstances on such subjects which if so then that's reasonable. If it's all hard stances then hmm not so much.

[Anonymous]

I'd say your required traits aren't controlling so much as they just come off as self absorbed and lack of self respect. What you call preferred traits are more like what you'd consider tolerable. Which are all symptoms of being a selfish self centered person that lacks empathy beyond themselves. Unfortunately these traits that you are looking for is the exact reason most men are giving up on women in 1st world countries cause the majority of western first world women. Are so self ego inflated the world could end around them and their main priority is themselves above all else.

I'd say that your "preferred traits" aren't controlling, nor are they realistic or not realistic. Factually speaking they aren't traits your looking for but the traits that society says it wants but in reality is lying about. And you are just delusional chasing what society wants you to believe that is for the betterment of mankind which is an elaborate defunked society. In which no one is allowed to give a damn.

My genuine advice quit looking for what society believes to be okay and more so qualities you want. Cause in all honesty the real people you want to keep around you are the ones who will still care after the apocalypse. The values/traits you listed are traits that no good two faced morons have. That will gladly stab you in the back when things go quote "tits up."

[Finchie40]

No it’s good to have your own preferences on what you are into and what you accept , Now if you hold to those preferences 100 percent without any wiggle room then yes in a sense you are controlling, because no one on this planet is perfect , and you will realize sometimes your own preferences can be a little to extreme to where it’s your way or no way , so if you live with that mindset you will continue having failed relationships and be considered a selfish person that only wants things to go your way , meaning you are always right and the other is wrong , For love to grow between 2 people , both partners have to remove their inner selfishness , if you can’t remove inner selfishness for your partner they will not be able to remove it for you , I can tell you right now that if you didn’t like me having a few beers on the weekend after a week of work , I would kick you to the curb lol So again it’s ok to have preferences on what you are into but not good if you hold to them 100 percent without wiggle room , It’s ok to not always be right

[Anonymous]

Your requirements are not only ridiculous but nonsensical.

Finding someone who has NEVER smoked or drank alcohol is insane, you are excluding virtually all humans in a single stroke.

You then want to further cut this already miniscule group down to only those who are wearing a mask in public.

What the actual fuck?

This is off the fucking map, not only would this single requirement again exclude virutally all humans it some how manages to make even less sense than the other one.

Mask wearing when it was mandated WAS TO TRY TO PREVENT THE WEARER FROM SPREADING A VIRUS THAT THEY ALREADY HAD TO OTHER PEOPLE.

Mask wearing DOES NOT PROTECT THE WEARER.

So, you want someone who is so utterly fucking deranged that they want to 'protect' people who never mind the vaccine, that doesn't even matter anymore, HAVE NATURAL IMMUNITY REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT THEY TOOK THE VACCINE, against a virus that THE WEARER OF THE MASK DOES NOT HAVE.

You are quite possibly, literally the most bat shit crazy human alive.

[BigWhiteWolf87]

"Finding someone who has NEVER smoked or drank alcohol is insane, you are excluding virtually all humans in a single stroke."

I've NEVER smoked. I drink maybe once a year.
My brother has NEVER smoked. He's a very causal - as in once every 2 months - drinker

Friends have NEVER smoked or drank. Not everyone's a weakling that needs booze or smokes to compensate for inability to cope with life. AND that IS what booze & cigs are. Incapable of coping.

"Mask wearing when it was mandated WAS TO TRY TO PREVENT THE WEARER FROM SPREADING A VIRUS THAT THEY ALREADY HAD TO OTHER PEOPLE."

Everyone knows this. It is STILL health concious or do you NOT understand how communical diseases work? This practice is done in China, Japan and other Asiatic countries and it SEVERELY cuts down on the severity of seasonal flus - except for COVID due to a lack of vaccinations - and the time that seasonal flu exists.

As for the virus not "doesn't even matter anymore" you are a bit of a dullard by your post, aren't you? COVID cases are still very predominant in some areas and STILL tax medical providers to compensate for MORONS that can't use their BRAINS and THINK OF OTHERS beyond themselves.

[Opinion Owner]

@bigwhitewolf87

I do not care nor does it matter what you think or do, it is in no way relevant, nor are your other views and as you can't even read you would do well to avoid trying to think, this is clearly beyond your abilities.

Don't bother responding unless your tail is between your legs because I am not going to be wasting more of my time with an ignorant fucking moron like you.

[BigWhiteWolf87]

@guffrus - ah a typical ignorant American. Love to run your mouth but too uneducated to consider other's VALID points.

[Opinion Owner]

@BigWhiteWolf87 Your points aren't valid.

You can't even quote me without fucking it up.

So please, shut your stupid cunt mouth and fuck off while you are doing it because there is no point in me demonstrating to you point by point exactly why you are completely and utterly fucking wrong because if you were going to get it you would have already done that on your own time.

[BigWhiteWolf87]

@guffrus - you are ignorant, aren't you? Do you have ANY friends with your foul mouth in real life? I mean wherever was I insulting to you and yet like a piece of welfare trash that's all you've been to me.

[Opinion Owner]

@BigWhiteWolf87 Are you done being wrong yet?

[BigWhiteWolf87]

@guffrus - Where have I been wrong? You see you KNOW I'm right, that's why you were offensive & nasty from the start. People that KNOW they are WRONG are automatically overly ignorant exactly like YOU were.

[Opinion Owner]

@BigWhiteWolf87 When you are done being wrong do the world a favour and just go and kill yourself.

[BigWhiteWolf87]

@guffrus Where have I been wrong? You see you KNOW I'm right, that's why you were offensive & nasty from the start. People that KNOW they are WRONG are automatically overly ignorant exactly like YOU were.

[Opinion Owner]

@Hgyiogohh So when I blocked that stupid bitch she ran to fetch her cuck?

You should kill yourself too.

[AimeeKyle]

I think the past/present/future requirement on drinking / smoking will drastically limit your overall pool of individuals. I despise cigarette smoking but would be open to going out with someone who has quit / no longer does it.

The pro-abortion convo…. how does that even come up in general conversation 🤷‍♂️ 😁. It wouldn’t be a requirement I would have (either way, for or against) for a potential mate, but that’s up to you (and could cause you to miss out?)

Faithful/loyalty… totally agree/makes sense, otherwise why be a couple.

Safety-Oriented I’m on board with / makes sense. (Not sure masks would have been the example I would have used though…. you realize anything short of a properly donned / fit tested N95 mask is a waste of time, right? And doffing would also be an issue if done incorrectly…. Or reused… Or stuffed in a pocket/purse and reused….. I could go on but will refrain-don’t want to bore you)…. With that said, I also respect your decision to continue to wear one if it makes you happy / feel more secure/safe.

All your preferred traits seem reasonable and make sense to me.

I personally would focus more / search for someone with a good personality, who is a good natured, giving individual who is honest and communicates extremely well (no matter the topic - or telling you what he thinks you want to hear)…. and of course cares for you. If all that is true, there won’t be anything you cannot talk / work through (which doesn’t mean agree with everything).

Good luck to you!

[HighValue]

It sounds like you are looking for a liberal guy, but wanting to have those traits AND not drink or smoke is going to be quite difficult to find. Also, expecting the kind of person that still wears an ineffective mask and is pro-abortion to be faithful/loyal will be difficult too.

I am curious what you would choose though out of these two examples:

Guy 1: Pro-abortion and wears a mask but cheats and smokes weed.

Guy 2: Faithful and doesn't smoke or drink alcohol, but he is pro life and says the masks are ineffective so he doesn't wear them.

[Bethany22]

Guy 2 definitely. Hard to imagine a guy who smokes would wear a mask

[WindAtMyBack]

Individually most of those are not too bad, but as the list gets longer, the odds of finding that person get pretty slim.

Forget lists like this. Meet men, and then decide if you want to be with them. Making a list of filters before even meeting them isn't the best approach. Don't defeat yourself before you even start.

The mask thing is pretty crazy. That's just paranoid. There are a thousands things more dangerous than not wearing a mask. Just driving to the store to buy masks is far more dangerous.

[FunkyMonkee]

Except for one or two items, I meet the required list.
Got all 3 of the preferred.
I HAVE tried grass twice about 30 years ago: two hits at one party, one hit at another partly exactly 1 year later. I HAVE tried a few types of booze: a few sips of dad's beer when I was little, a taste of champagne at a new years gig we played back in the late `80's (it's over-glorified beer!), a few shots of Schnapps in the mid `90's, mostly at my grandmothers insistence one Christmas, and literally one drop of vodka just because I wanted to know what the stuff tastes like, about 12 years ago.
I refuse to wear a mask! The Fauci Flu is over!! Besides, there's a number of cures!!

[JamesHarrys]

The requirements (except loyalty) are understandable but very excessive. Regarding your views, you're basically looking for a political echo chamber.

The traits you're looking for are more common than you think, hope you're willing to provide the same to a partner though, reciprocity is key.

[Bethany22]

Of course!

[abc3643]

I voted:

"My requirements are realistic."

You didn't have this choice:

"Both my requirements and preferences are realistic."

which I might have voted for.

Everything you have - both requirements and preferred traits - are more or less realistic, BUT your mask-wearing preference is somewhat unrealistic at this stage since so many people are now vaccinated. If you really want a guy to wear a mask, you'll have to find a sick, older guy who needs to wear a mask. I don't think you want that.

So, instead, perhaps reword your preference to something like just "Safety-oriented" or "Having a cautious mindset."

What you really want is a guy who is not cavalier about threats - whether they be from a pandemic or economic or anything else. You want him to not be a danger to you, himself, or your potential eventual family.

[abc3643]

By the way, I would have satisfied all those requirements.
Of course, besides being married and old, I am short, and thus, I'd be perfunctorily ruled-out as not attractive.

[abc3643]

I did smoke for 10 years though - I started just before I turned 29 and continued until I was 39. Long story how I got started. But, I've been smoke-free for almost 21 years now.

[Staximus]

There's only 2 important ones in there- "Must be faithful/loyal" and "Shows concern about my well-being". All the rest are bullshit. You have your head pretty far up your own ass if you think non smoker \drinker, pro abortion, and safety oriented are more important than showing concern for your well being. I can understand not wanting a guy who is going to go out and get himself killed while doing stupid shit but people that still wear masks are fucking cowards. You want a coward who is afraid of everything?

[SnowedIn]

You're not picky or controlling. But there are three areas that I'm concerned about.

The first is you say "non drinker". Do you mean no alcohol ever? That may be a dealbreaker for a lot of guys to never have a beer or some whiskey or whatever. It doesn't make you picky or controlling necessarily but it'll make the pool of men MUCH smaller.

Still wearing a mask is also going to be a deal breaker for a lot of men and is going to limit your pool of men. I'm not judging masks just suggesting that you may be throwing the baby out with the bathwater in this regard. There's a lot of great men who may not want to wear a mask.

Finally, "shows concern about my well-being". This is a good trait to want but I think that one will take time to develop. You'll have to be patient with that one.

[lightbulb27]

nothing wrong with those, I meet most of them, I know others my age that do. But they are basic and you'll find other requirements as you date and learn about yourself.

The question is what you are willing to give on... because that is required...

I'd be open to meeting foreigners, I like the character of a French man... whom got married to my relative. But he likes to drink...

[ItsMykolaJenkins]

What i never understnad about women like you is why do you think you are so special?

Who do you think you are, why you think you are in a position of demanding anything from a man? why any man must give you what you demand? what do you have to offer him, appart from your demands?

I date a guy who is 100%my opposit, does everything i thought is bad

And we clicked on so many different deep leveles that id never change him for any other man ever

[Bethany22]

I'd be open to that happening to me as well

[ItsMykolaJenkins]

I hope it does
And you will learn that even people coming rom different world can be part of your life
Be open and good luck
And come to Spain🥰🥰

[ItsMykolaJenkins]

I was told my boyfriend is the worst
And people who told me that are in my past
While he is in my present
Even i know he did bad stuff wrong stuff stupid stuff... it doesn't change his himan or male qualities
And with him
I learned this, that some people deserve a chance and i never regretted it
There are still things i hate i learn to deal with... but its a compromise ma ny times and understanding our different backgrounds and different lifes

[Phoenix98]

I don't know you so I can't say your controlling as a person but I would say a picky and a tad confusing aside from faithful/loyal and non-smoker/drinker ( currently ) your "required" traits should be your preferred traits and the preferred traits your required ones.

It's a little concerning that you find someone wearing a mask in public more important then someone who cares for your well being.

I don't think your really gonna find many people much less someone romantically who has those specific traits your looking for.

[DarkLegacy]

OMG!!! Look at those poll results. There is nothing wrong with your requirements, i would also hate smokers as well. You don't have many and i expect a lot of people are more picky then you are.

But surely it stand to reason that you would your partner to show concern for your well being.

[ShadezMcgee]

Well, your required traits are a preference, but they come off controlling to individuals who have opposing views. They can't smoke/drink, must be pro abortion AND continue to wear a mask in public?

Yeah, I wouldn't be too thrilled with a couple of those there. Not saying they are bad, but you are really narrowing down your field for a rare find. Which is perfectly fine, but you may be looking for a while.

[LivDev]

It's not controlling if the guy is all those things already. It's controlling (except fidelity obvi) if he doesn't have these traits and you try to force them onto him.

I can vibe with the non-smoking, loyalty and concern but everything else sounds BORING.