I don't understand. Why has it been so hard for me to find a guy to fall in love with me and want to marry me.. A DECENT guy mind you?

[TenderFantasy]

I'm 39 and don't guys WANT to have love too? I mean, don't they feel good knowing someone cares for them and loves them and even wants to marry them and have children with them? ! Help me here.

Updates

1 y

P. S. I am healthy (I think I am at least lol). I am smart (I think I am too haha). I am pretty ( I think I am haha).

Updates

1 y

Educated, etc.

[Blurr090]

I wouldn't know enough about you to say for sure, but it helps to understand that men and women don't look for the exact same things in partners. There is overlap, for sure. Both men and women typically value looks in a partner quite a bit. But women tend care much more than men do about things like money, status, height, and education level in their potential partner on average. Men tend to care more about youth, fertility, and sexual purity than women do on average. These are just a handful of examples and they are just generalities, but my point is that there are different factors that influence the way we choose long term mates that are different between men vs women.

I don't know how selective you are when you say "decent" guy. What is a decent guy to you - and have any shown you interest in the past?

[TenderFantasy]

Decent = Doesn't cheat (is faithful). Hot (at least to me). Doesn't smell bad (hygenic). Educated. Responsible. Kind. Romantic. MATURED. Cool (hehe). Attractive. Loves dogs and other animals. Healthy (or at the very least tries hard to be), good to his family and friends, trustworthy, honest, transparent, a team player, supportive, etc.

[TenderFantasy]

If women cared about height, I wouldn't have observed any short fathers (especially of the Mexican kind lol) for one thing.

If they cared about "fertility" then why, when I was younger and more fertile. if there was a chance I could be pregnant, it felt like they were too scared and had the chance to run away! But yeah, child support.

Sexual purity is a myth. If they wanted that, they'd have to go to a thirteen-year-old give or take!

[Blurr090]

These things are just averages and part of a whole picture. Of course there are short men who still go on to marry and have children. But if all else was equal, a man who is 6'2" will have a lot more interest from women than a man who is 5'2".

When I mentioned sexual purity what that means in the modern context typically is just not being a hoe. In the old days standards might have been different, but in modern times most guys just don't want a woman to have a high body count. There are still adult women who are virgins (I know because I have taken a woman's virginity who was in her mid 20s) but they are very rare and most guys would not expect that.

You mentioned a lot of traits when defining a decent guy. It might be helpful for you to assess how many men actually meet these requirements. Like, go through your facebook or something and find a percentage of guys you class as decent out of the guys you actually know. If it's something like 10% or even less, I think you have your answer as to why it's been hard for you to find. If it's something like 50% - then I'm really not sure why it could be.

[TenderFantasy]

"There are still adult women who are virgins (I know because I have taken a woman's virginity who was in her mid 20s) but they are very rare and most guys would not expect that." I was a virgin till I was 28. I think that wasn't a good idea to who I lost it to though just for the sake of losing it. I just wanted to get that part over with. I should have waited till marriage or at least engagement.

[Blurr090]

Yeah I think that is generally advisable for women if their priority is getting the best man possible into marriage.

[OfMiceandMen]

You sound great, so I am not sure what guys are thinking? Not sure if it has to do with this new age of online dating and guys not wanting to get into any relationships, where it is just hookups over text and other social sites.

I would expect there are some decent guys out there still looking to be in a relationship...

[Anonymous]

Well you have to understand mating is based on a few things.

Mating is based on:
1. The need for what all you offer ( the demand)
2. The quality of what you offer
3. The difficulty there is in replacing you
4. Your ability to meet new and existing people.

Getting someone to be emotionally invested in you is the key.
What does that mean? It means you are stimulating their subconscious mind. The subconscious is responsible for almost all behavior. Mind is activity or movement.
For example the honey moon phrase is simply massive, empowering subconscious activity.

It's not about how smart you are, it's not about how healthy you are, it's about can you stimulate or get them to stimulate their subconscious. If you cannot then they aren't going to want you. Desire comes from within. It's urge seeking expression through our lives/action.

Guys aren't the problem. We are our only problem and solution.

Do you even believe you're worthy of love?

[TenderFantasy]

'Guys aren't the problem. We are our only problem and solution."

Honestly, that's mean to say. You don't know ALL the guys in the world so it takes two and sometimes, it's the guy that has the problem, other times it's the woman.

But yeah, I think I can see where you are coming from with this answer, but I don't think some of it (or even a lot of it) can apply to me.

I do know what I am kind though, sometimes to a fault so...

[TenderFantasy]

That I am kind, sometimes to a fault I mean.

[Opinion Owner]

No one outside of us is the problem. If your life isn't what you want it to be... It's you. You're the problem. Good news though, you are also the solution. You're self sabotaging believing anything else.
If you are being taken advantage of, it's because you don't understand or don't have a standard. Your standard should be based on what you want and what is required to have a lasting relationship.

I don't know you but I do know for me to comment on this post I had to unblock you. I don't why I had you blocked but I do know why I block people. A lot people are decent people. Very very few people are good people. Good people don't let the outside or results control how they think and feel. That's how they remain good. Maybe you are kind but for me to block you I must've thought you were not. One thing I know for sure is, your way isn't working. It's not a bad idea to start questioning what you think and believe.

[TenderFantasy]

Oh shut up seriously. You don't know me and you don't know the type of guys I've been with. I don't know why you blocked me (or why you were even able to reply to my question) but anyway, if you blocked me, I DOUBT it was for a good reason! Maybe we just had differences and you couldn't accept it? Anyway, you should know that it takes TWO to make a relationship work, not just one, so the problem is USUALLY either or or even BOTH! How DARE you begin to blame ME solely for the things that happen in a relationship or even if somebody chooses to date me or not! I could (unfortunately) be the wrong RACE, or the wrong HEIGHT, or have a DISABILITY that my potential partner cannot accept! Rarely is it just ONE person's fault! And those characteristics, for example, are THINGS I cannot control/have no control over! So yeah! So if you say that is IS my fault for being the race, or even the HEIGHT that I am, then what the hell lol.

[megabamse]

To quote my brother "love is like a fart, if you push to hard it might turn out to be shit"

In this case if you push to hard on the idea about this then you might miss out on red flags and opportunities.

Instead of having a specific goal like you have there you might want to focus more on what you do have, enjoy what you have. See if you can make what you have grown. Because when your so focused on that one goal then you will be to inpatient and loses your way in matter of speaking.

Men don't always think about marriage and all that, but when the right lady shows up and things are going great over a longer time we will sometimes start thinking about it.

[TenderFantasy]

Damn they act like they are the prize or the decider of a relationship lol, but thank you. Your answer helped me. I appreciate it.

[Finchie40]

Cuz nowadays most guys are scared to get into a commitment with all the nonsense that social media is feeding our heads that every girl cheats or is after his money , or she gets bored and will trade her man in for another one cuz grass is greener on the other side etc.. So to find love you have to put yourself out there and treat someone the same way you want to be treated , remove your inner selfishness and show respect to your partner and more than likely they will do the same for you , It’s always a 50/50 chance , but when you treat someone the same way you want to be treated , you have a better chance keeping them by your side

[TenderFantasy]

Yeah but it's not fair for ME being included and categorized unfairly from the get go when I didn't even do ANY SUCH THING! I am an INDIVIDUAL first and foremost and I do NOT appreciate being labeled or judged like a book cover is what I mean! Men these days are letting a few bad apples SPOIL everything else!

[Finchie40]

Exactly , and the same goes for females as well that were shit on by men , that label all men assholes and cheaters etc. I just read a meme the other day that said Social Media destroyed females and Porn destroyed men, I kind of agreed with that meme , even though I feel both porn and social media played a part in destroying both guys and girls equally , mainly based off my experiences with girl’s and what I have witnessed through the years , bottom line most people assume the worst case scenario , when they meet someone new and amazing to them , like it’s too good to be true that this person wants to love me and stand by me,! they must have something up their sleeve that they aren’t telling me. And nowadays they more than likely do because we as people all have selfishness in us , when things don’t go our way , we easily assume that person must be up to no good , they don’t touch me like they use to , they aren’t happy to see me like they use to , they don’t want to be intimate or affectionate with me like they use to etc. So we tend to think the worst case scenario that someone else might be in the picture or they don’t find me attractive anymore so they must be cheating on me with someone else or thinking about cheating on me with someone else etc. So our natural instinct is to defend and protect ourselves from having our heart shit on, especially if it has been shit on already by an ex. Me personally has a hard time giving my heart 100 percent to a girl because I been shit on to many times but instead of just giving up on true love I keep moving forward hoping to find that girl that knows what it means to be in a relationship , that knows how to remove selfishness and knows how to make her partner her priority , sadly
The only girls’ I felt came close to being that way were the ones that were secretly cheating on their husbands or boyfriends with me , but once I found out they were lying to me the whole time I lost all respect in them basically thanks for a

[Finchie40]

Good time but not a long time , What attracts me to a girl other then her beauty and personality, is her honesty , when a girl is honest with me that turns me on. Mainly because I am done with liars and backstabbers , when a girl is honest with me and stays loyal to me , and stays by my side through the good and bad I am standing right next to her doing the same , I want a girl that only wants to be in my arms , I want a girl that only wants sex with me , I want a girl that has moral values because I take commitment seriously , i don’t commit to be single , when I feel something bad is happening between her and I , my intentions is to fix what is broken not run to someone else thinking they are going to save me. But when a girl only c’s things her way and doesn’t wear my shoes like she expects me to wear hers I start to walk away. I can only be a punching bag for so long until I throw in the towel and tell her Good luck. Whether she is cheating on me or not if she doesn’t see any wrong in her doing she is best to walk out the door and not come back , If you can’t fight to be by my side I sure as hell won’t fight to be by hers. I made that mistake to many times to the point it isn’t worth it. I want a girl that wants to see me smile not a girl that wants to bring misery into my life. If intimacy and affection becomes an issue she is best to move on as well. No relationship is perfect but if she can’t stand by me like she wants me to stand by her then she is digging her own grave I want a girl that stays under the sheets with me not one that runs to the streets. If I am not her priority she won’t be mine , Most girls I have been with were selfish and only really cares about themselves, Why most guys are scared to commit with girls these days. It does t take much to keep a man happy it takes a shit ton to keep a girl happy. All my girl has to do if we are arguing is walk in the room wearing a sexy little outfit and hand me a beer or a sandwich and tell me to

[Finchie40]

Meet her in the bedroom , if she does that for me , I will not hesitate to do her to do list lol

[EricSummer]

For a woman it is easy to find a partner for a casual hookup, but it is still difficult to find a guy for marriage as you are describing. I'm not sure where you are looking though. On dating apps, men who want to have sex without commitment vastly outnumber guys who are in it to find a woman for life. The more jumpy they are the sooner they will appear on the app again, or stay on.
So the task for you is not so much to find a guy, but to filter out the unsuitable ones. It can start by where you are looking. In hobbies and in your friends' circles is better than on the apps. If you are religious you might consider your religious community. They can be great matchmakers.
And then properly test the guy and do not go too fast.

[NostalgiaSenpi]

Life is mostly out of our control and the only thing we can do is what we happen to react to what happens and opportunities that are presented.

Some people never find romantic love, but that doesn’t mean they never find love. There’s a lotta different loves out there in the world.

[TenderFantasy]

Thank you very much. That was really helpful.

[TenderFantasy]

I agree.

[TenderFantasy]

I just wish I knew the secret of those who HAVE been able to find a husband that loves them unconditionally (or to the moon and back lol). Wants kids with them, is romantic, responsible, kind, smart, financially ept, etc.

[DavidBibs]

Men are very frugal when it comes to landing a woman that they take seriously in their life - all a woman has to do is decide she doesn’t want him any more and she can take half his home (if married) file child support (if they have kids)

Men are becoming more frugal in keeping a woman around because of the liabilities that family court / the system can weigh on men - if they see the slightest of red flags they will not go too far with a woman / ditch her. At least this is how I think as a 35 year old male, with a lot of dating experience.

Goodluck with your journey

[Berethor]

Can you still have children? you are really running out of time, men prefer young women.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypergamy#Mating_preferences

[TenderFantasy]

My aunt had twins at 48 but she and her second husband used IVF. She even already had three children prior to that with her first husband!

Men are so cruel.

[WhyohWhy69]

Only the ugly ones are cruel, I’ve noticed. They are worse than those mean girls in junior high.
They are so outdated, too. Women can have children until about 50 anymore.

[WhyohWhy69]

Most men don’t want kids. If they do, she can still definitely have kids for at least 5-10 more years.
So outdated. You’re basing your opinion on studies conducted in the over 400 years ago.

[ObscuredBeyond]

I'm kinda screwed financially right now. But if that weren't the case, I'd definitely consider you.

If we could sit through a 2-hour Sons of Liberty podcast together, then build a prepper shelter somewhere, and you'd be all for that, great. My mom is also into homesteading. It'd be great all around.

And you'd be a refreshing break from all the bipolar bears that usually come after me!

[JSmuve]

Yes, guys want love and everything else you said. But that doesn't mean they want love from any woman that shows the smallest amount of interest. Some guys have standards. It's all about finding one that they're happy with. And as a guy, that can mean trying to find water in a desert.

[TenderFantasy]

"And as a guy, that can mean trying to find water in a desert." Yup. Probably wants someone only a few inches shorter than him, smart with money, 25, with Double D's (hell even HAIR color matters lol), with supermodel body and face! Anything less is a no-go lol.

[JSmuve]

Sounds about right.

[TenderFantasy]

"Sounds about right."

Well I hope his dream girl turns out to be a guy lol. Or somehow BITES him in the butt haha.

[JSmuve]

It'd be a win if he's into biting 😬

[DizzyDesii]

If you think you’re all of the above then its really just up to the mindset and the way that you carry yourself. If someone rejects you in the future, ask them what specifically is wrong and take notes

[TenderFantasy]

I don't think that would be a good idea to be honest. I've tried that before and I feel trying that again would probably just hurt me more, especially if it's a quality I cannot control like my race, my age, my height, etc.

[DizzyDesii]

Either way, God’s helping you to dodge bullets. You’ll find your bullseye soon enough

[TenderFantasy]

Thanks DizzyDesii

[TheFlak38]

Think about the thousands of guys you friend zoned. The guys who want love from a woman are invisible for your eyes. You live in a time in which men have never before been more lonely, desperate and thirsty for pussy in the history of human species, yet you claim that men don't want love from women. Another proof that you can communicate logically with a woman.

By the way, you're 39 and already been replaced by the new generations of fresh young sluts who will repeat the same mistakes you made and then come here and ask the same questions you're asking now.

[TenderFantasy]

Thanks for painting a general or stereotyipical version of me lol.

By the way, men can do the exact same damn thing, yet be praised for it.

Such double standards!

[TheFlak38]

Women are the epitome of double standards. And the sexual market is rigged in your favour. You have millions of options around you. Men have nothing. If you're not happy with your options then that's entirely your fault.

[TenderFantasy]

Thanks for being mean once again lol. Sure blame the entire GENDER. You STARTED it lol. And how is it entirely MY fault. You're so closed minded it's hard for you to even SEE it! Please grow up and learn some empathy!

[TenderFantasy]

"39 years with a buffet of cocks to choose from yet no one is good enough for you all these years. Yes. It is entirely your fault."

I took a break from dating for a while and I was also in ONE long term relationship that unfortunately fell apart. So there goes your ASSUMPTION that I was riding the so-called Carousel!

[TheFlak38]

I like how women add new fantasy stories to the conversation whenever they are being called out for their whorish behavior in order to claim the moral high ground. Every-fucking-time.

[Juxtapose]

I do want to be with one person for life but I have no desire to get the government involved in my love life or have children. Children are too expensive and they chain you down, I feel more of a desire to be free and share my life with my lover and a few close friends and family.

[Adaeva]

You are not young, sexy, and pretty which is what men want. Instead, you have aged into an old hide which is what men don't want.

[TenderFantasy]

I happen to think I look pretty good for my age though. I know you don't know what I look like but it's not like 38/39 is 49 or even 59, 69! What gives! They age too lol. It's not like time stops for them!

And a lot of young women will probably want someone closer to their age too, not someone that's daddy's age! Unless they're not right in the head lol. Or they are a gold digger. Anyway, I don't know if you were trying to insult, but I wasn't that offended.

[Adaeva]

The vast majority of young women under age 25 want guys near their own age. Typically, that is within 5 years and certainly within ten years unless they are age 30 or above where larger age gaps will be acceptable. For that reason, by their mid thirties, men must accept older women are do without. However, the sense I get, many older men would rather do without. This catchy saying explains why it is increasingly more difficult for women to find someone as they age:

At twenty girls sell it.
At thirty they give it away.
And, at forty, they buy it.

Of course, you can find a guy provided you are willing to lower your expectations because many of the guys you rejected at age twenty no longer want you.

[Adaeva]

*men must accept older women [or] do without.

My intent was not to insult; only to state the facts; even though reading the facts may be unpleasant.

[TenderFantasy]

"Of course, you can find a guy provided you are willing to lower your expectations because many of the guys you rejected at age twenty no longer want you." Honestly, at 20, I didn't have many prospects either, at least the ones I wanted didn't want me. I was also too shy and concentrated on getting a college degree so I didn't have to rely on him solely and I'd be able to support my family just in case something were to happen. That is what my dad told me/advised me to do back then and so I just followed suit.

And thanks, I have a feeling you were just trying to help, thought it was a brutally honest answer lol. But what can you do with reality really haha.

[Adaeva]

I can believe that, even at age twenty, it was not easy. That is because at age twenty it is natural that you would want the best you could date and I believe you had lots of choices. However, within that criteria most, if not all the men you were willing to date, would date down, hoping for sex, but they wouldn't marry down.

When it is time for me to get married, what advice can you give so I can avoid that situation? That is how can I tell the best I can marry from the best I can date?

[TenderFantasy]

P1: Well believe it. And like I said, I was more worried about being able to have a good degree or at least having one. At 20, I had a choice to date Chung, who kept STARING at me at a college library (not his real name but you get the idea). He was Fresh of the Boat (broken English Taiwanese) so I could BARELY understand him but he did drive a nice, fancy car that he let me even drive once. No thanks! I am Asian and I liked White guys at the time! Second, there was that guy that my older brother was friends with. WHAT A CREEP to say the least! He smelled "different" and he was driving a 70's classic (nice car again, but that's beside the point). The rest of my 20's was concentrated on working and getting my Associates and Bachelor's degree, NOT being wife and mommy and barefoot and pregnant! ... Call it stupid or unwise if you want, but that is what I concentrated on! And I find it offensive you wouldn't believe me and what I am saying. Not all 20 year olds are 10/10 in looks. Someone once told me I was only a 6/10 in looks! Second, everyone finds beauty relatively so even if I was crushing on a guy, he has to like me back!

p2: I don't know! if I knew, I wouldn't be asking this damn question! I guess, if you want babies and a man that badly, then I guess concentrate on it sooner and so yeah. The best is what people can get/are willing to settle with, NOT really always their first choice!

[pink_blah]

I feel like you shouldn’t rush it, like you shouldn't just immediately marry the person you start dating yk

[Softlife808]

Maybe they don't find you attractive. No offense but men are visual. Then it's personality. You shouldn't expect men to settle just because you're a woman and that's it. Doesn't work that way

[TenderFantasy]

1. Yeah but I've found some 'good looking' men with 'ugly' women! They were even married with a baby.

2. They will get old too? And sick?

I do understand what you are saying though, but that just complicates things because a lot of times in the past, I've found certain men to be attracitve/sexy but it's like they didn't! And then there were times where THEY found me 'good looking' or "attractive" but I didn't... *sigh* I wish it wasn't as complicated as that lol. Also, I've noticed that guys mature MUCH later usually or takes them awhile to settle maybe? Or maybe yeah, what you are saying. But that's crazy. They're like a 4 out of 10 or 6 out of 10 but they're like wanting the 8 - 9 /10's. BIG L O L.

[Softlife808]

@TenderFantasy again, men are not obligated to like you. They don't like you because you because they don't find you attractive, interesting or to have a personality. Ok they get old and? Doesn't mean they will want you. They don't like you. You're 39 and still alone. That's not going to change

[TenderFantasy]

Hey dude why are you being an asshole toward me? ! Lol, what did I DO? ? ! Damn.

"again, men are not obligated to like you. " I understand that, I didn't say I didn't!

"They don't like you because you because they don't find you attractive, interesting or to have a personality." Yeah, but it's like they have double standards is what I am saying.

" Ok they get old and? Doesn't mean they will want you. " What I mean is, why are THEY pretending like they don't get old or sick? ! It's BOUND to happen regardless of age, just what you've been through, if you abuse yourself (I mean they), etc. etc! That's all I was saying! They shouldn't pretend that they are immortal or that they don't age! They should be humble too you know! That's all I was saying! They shouldn't act like they are PERFECT, GOD'S GIFT TO WOMEN or that they are ALL that choices out there that are available! ... And you shouldn't be acting the same way too!

"You're 39 and still alone. That's not going to change" You don't know that, that was uncalled for! Geez! You're no pscyhic and you are mean!

[TenderFantasy]

And I hope this doesn't happen to you when YOU reach my age geez! What bit your butt lol.

[Softlife808]

What does them getting old and sick have to do with you? Despite them getting old and sick they aren't obligated to be with you. I'm not being mean you just sound very entitled. If someone doesn't like you they don't like you. You keep coming up with all these excuses. I'm saying if you're 39 and alone you might want to look in the mirror. Can't always be the man

[TenderFantasy]

1. How do I sound very entitled exactly?
2. Honestly, you can't be blaming me solely for a relationship not working out as it always takes two.
3. Plus I needed to take some time off to GREIVE the failed ones. And obviously life (time) doesn't stop for you (or me) so..

[Still-alive]

What makes a guy 'decent' to you? you probably met plenty of decent guys but... yeah you might have 'friend zoned' them. you weren't attracted to them physically or something

[TenderFantasy]

Yeah I've had the same things happen to me anyway. I actually DATED a homeless guy. I was actually even LESS strict with standards in the past lol. Now I am not. I've learned it's GOOD to have standards!

[Still-alive]

What 'good' standards are you looking for?

[FifiJones]

They do. Something else is your problem, either your looks or your family or you are secretly waiting for a specific guy. Why not call him?

[D_Bone_Steak]

"I'm 39" *D_bone walks out the back door and runs to his car.

[Sevenpointfive]

guys probably feel the same way. who are you asking out lately?

[ColHathi]

I would argue it's probably your definition of "decent" getting in the way.

[TenderFantasy]

Um, I'm not about to date an abusive person or a drug addict or a homeless guy. At least not again! I'd rather have high standards. I DESERVE that. I settled too much in the past. No more!

[ColHathi]

"Decent = Doesn't cheat (is faithful). Hot (at least to me). Doesn't smell bad (hygenic). Educated. Responsible. Kind. Romantic. MATURED. Cool (hehe). Attractive. Loves dogs and other animals. Healthy (or at the very least tries hard to be), good to his family and friends, trustworthy, honest, transparent, a team player, supportive, etc."

You deserve all of that, do you? Nonsense.

[TenderFantasy]

"You deserve all of that, do you? Nonsense." Uh, why not? What do you mean? This is my only life, so I think so! Why are you being mean? !

[ColHathi]

Because the notion that a guy has to be all of this to be decent is insulting to say the least. I don't think any of us of deserve a damn thing. I think that's nonsense. I think you're making a mistake by putting a superficial or materialistic value on yourself and others, and I think it's a mistake to think that you deserve a specific kind of person more than others.