To Be, Or Not To Be (In a Relationship)?

[Anonymous]

I perform in musicals and plays. It’s something I’m very passionate about, and I hope to pursue it full time one day, so much so I am planning to move to NYC in about a year or so. Back in April, I met a nice man who was my cast mate in my first professional show. One of our first encounters was him picking up my phone and taking 3 selfies. He then walked past me and said, “You should check your phone.” During our next break, we got to laugh about it and we got to know each other better. After opening night, we had a cast party, and he allowed me to wear his fedora because my hair was messed up from wearing a wig, to which he said, “You look beautiful.” On the last show, I was overcome with emotion and I started crying (tears of joy). He stood beside me, wrapped his arm around me and kissed my forehead. We later exchanged numbers and we text each other maybe once every 3 weeks (it’s hard because of our work schedules, but we try to check in when we have a free moment). At the end of June, he text me to check in with me and I told him that I was preparing to come to NYC for vacation and visit family. He said that he would like for us to meet up, to which I agreed since it had been almost 3 months since we saw each other last. The first day of my vacation arrived and after dinner with my auntie, I met up with my cast mate. We sat up and talked all night, listened to music, danced, and helped him prep for an audition. We did kiss that night. He even offered to help my apartment hunt and find a talent agent when I officially moved to NY. While I was in the city, he showed me how to use the subway systems, and he indirectly asked me about my relationship status (I am single). We rode the subway together, but where we had to go was in opposite directions. When his train came, he said he’d see me later, kissed me, and left. Is this something I should pursue, or should I leave it alone due to long distance?

[SnowedIn]

I have been loudly and publicly vocal on this site about thinking that long distance relationships are a dead end and non-starter but in this case I agree with the very wise @WhitneySnow. Pursue.

But.

Figure out what the end game to the LDR is. It can't be LDR forever.

[WhitneySnow]

I definitely agree with your last paragraph

[SnowedIn]

Why thank you young Jedi.

[Asker]

I feel it could go somewhere once I move. I just don’t want to get my hopes up. Plus the #1 reason I’m moving is to pursue acting full time, not pursue the relationship with him.

[WhitneySnow]

Good luck with your career. Hopefully you can have both.

[SnowedIn]

I am totally supportive. You sound like you have your shit together. So does he.

And, right, focus on that career of yours on the Great White Way.

Just... don't let this relationship stay on low heat LDR forever. The best sauces have to simmer and then come off the stove.

Best wishes with the move. You'll love New York.

[Asker]

Thanks. I have a follow up question. There’s a bit of a noticeable age difference between us (12 years). It’s pretty apparent we like each other, but the age difference concerns me only because I’m scared of being judged. But when we hung out while I was up there, it was like the rest of the world didn’t exist. Is this a cause for concern?

[SnowedIn]

It is NOT a cause for concern. If you are both of legal age, consenting, and happy that's what counts. As long as neither of you is forced to abandon your friend groups then you're golden.

People will judge you. They will make comments. Just read this site to know that.

But... if you care for him -- ignore them. Go for it.

[Asker]

Thank you!!

[SnowedIn]

You are welcome! Best wishes!

[OlderAndWiser]

Do you not have enough confidence to answer this question for yourself?

[Asker]

Nah, which is why I asked. Do you not have enough wisdom to answer the question?

[OlderAndWiser]

Yes, I do, and I have enough wisdom to know that the question which is asked is not always the question which needs to be answered.

Your experience with this guy, so far, is caught up in the excitement of pursuing your passion for theatre. You have shared a kiss but that is the first step in what could possibly become a very long journey. What do you know about this guy which would suggest that he is a good person, and that he is a good match for you?

[Asker]

Let me correct you: I have always wanted to move to NY to pursue acting since I was 18. I am now at the place in my life where I can come up with a plan to actually move to NY in a year or so…which is something I made clear in the opening before I asked the question. Whether I had this experience with this man or not, my decision to move to NY was pretty much set in stone at the beginning of the year.

I know that he and I share the same faith, and a lot of what we talked about was surrounding our faith and we shared some of our Bible Study notes together. He volunteers at some of the schools to help students who have an interest in theatre and television pursue their dreams and help them prepare for auditions. Since I’ve been home, he’s initiated conversations to check in on me and my summer, since I am a teacher, my summer is just about over.

We share the same interests, theatre and music being the most obvious ones. We both prefer staying in over going out, but we will opt for a night out on the town every so often. I also know that he is one of the few people that I feel anxious around, and we both make sure that the other one is okay. I could go on and on, but I’ll spare you the dissertation. Does that answer your question? If not, I’ll be glad to explain further.

[OlderAndWiser]

It sounds like you have already answered your question. What causes you to hesitate?

[Asker]

Age difference. There’s 12 years between us. I feel my best self around him; I’m just nervous it may become a problem in the future.

[OlderAndWiser]

My fiancee is 9 years younger than me. As you get older, the age difference will become even less significant than it is now.

[Asker]

Thank you. I’m just nervous to pursue it also because I’m scared it’s going to end in another heartbreak, and while yes, life moves on from failed relationships, I would like to think that for once I got it right.

[OlderAndWiser]

I understand. I have had relationships that either failed or just faded away. But I've never given up on the hope of finding a partner for a loving, long term relationship and, at age 68, I am engaged.

Every failed relationship helps you to become more focused on the things that are important and what you want will change over time. The women who I was dating before I met Helen were vastly different from the women I dated when I was younger.

[Asker]

In the back of my mind, I’ve always wondered why he was so interested in me when he could be with women his age. When we hung out my first night in NY, I asked him why he was interested in me, and he simply said, “Because you were nice to me.” The way he said, I could tell that he had been hurt by people in the past because they had been mean to him. He’s even called me out on some of my self-sabotaging behavior at times. I think I’m ready to give it a try.

[OlderAndWiser]

There are no guarantees.

"You've gotta take a chance if you wanna find romance!" -- OlderAndWiser

[WhitneySnow]

Pursue it! It sounds like he really likes you

[gothbxtch]

this is very sweet, aw!! pursue