Why is it so hard to find high quality men?

Question

It seems like decent, sane, guys with upright morals , character, is ridiculously difficult to find. Over my many years of dating, I have been on dates with perverts who just want sex, guys who can't keep their dicks in their pants, men who "stood me up", scumbags who lied that they were interested in me just so they can use me for sex, womanizers, immature men who can't admit their own mistakes, untrustworthy guys who only care about their own self interests, assholes who care more about virginity than anything else, dirty man whores who sleep around and then expect women to like them for it, guys who are disrespectful on first dates.

When I do meet a sane high quality man with great morals, caring, great character. He is usually extremely boring without a personality. I'm not even kidding. The assholes are usually full of charisma, humor, wit while the "nice guys" simply have absolutely no personality.

I've tried dating for so many years and I've been disappointed over and over and over again. why is it just so hard to find a high quality man who isn't boring as hell? why is our current modern dating world filled with scum?

CubsterShura · Accepted Answer

First off, literally every women who has set her foot in the dating world has encountered shitty men. The problem isn't with attracting shitty men, they always exist, but rather how we deal with them.

It is surprisingly hard to be in a good relationship when you've only been in bad ones because your nerves haven't forgotten the way you felt in the bad relationships and those feelings will keep coming back, and we find it hard to differentiate real problems vs perceived problems. Especially if you experienced love-bombing you will find it difficult to be with a more stable guy who doesn't do that.

Another issue with dating is that a lot of women are socialized to put up with bad traits and behavior in men and sold the narrative of being "rewarded" for it, when in reality that hardly ever happens. We have to parent men whose parents let them be little brats in the name of "boys will be boys". We are taught that toxic behaviors like being mean and emotionally unavailable and controlling are ways to show love. So we don't see the red flags or even if we do we overlook it, or worse, think that we can fix it. That along with other issues potentially causing low self-esteem and anxious attachment styles can lead to women not pushing the "bad" kinda men hard enough.

It's really a lot of education, introspection and wisdom that goes into discerning good men in our lives. Take your time to learn more about yourself. I got myself out of dating and literally turned down everyone while I was getting therapy and educating myself on various personality disorders and unhealthy behavior in relationships, and only got back into it after I felt confident enough to be able to push away those who aren't good for me. Life has been much better since.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

sadly, that’s just the way they are. About as interesting as a sack of potatoes and nice, or an asshole and probably a carrier of 8363738 stds.

lightbulb27 · Accepted Answer

That is the problem for girls and I feel for them and have wanted to help solve this for years. Guys are not being developed and are immature. Social skills declined, family unit eroded... do families sit around the table and talk... and are the parents together? That's essential. Even so, guys need a lot of male influence to grow and that is lacking.

The pickings look slim for girls. I've seen very well trained young men out there whoma re decent. If they are in sports or church, you've got a better chance. the one I know your age has a girlfriend.

They are being abused and poorly trained is your answer...

And a lot of guys have been corrupted, and girls have facilitated that. So next time you meet your girlfriends for lunch, crack the whip...

Note that such problems can persist well into older years. once people are 25 or so, they don't want to change the "programming". So you end up dealing with childhood wounds (limitations), trying to retrain a guy that is screwed up... unless you chose very well.

I wish you good luck and fortunates. I'd suggest looking in other circles...

Nifrayu · Accepted Answer

Nobody is going to be everything you want from a partner. Some things you were looking for will always be missing. You can choose to accept that or not. Decide the things that are most important to you and focus on finding someone that has those most important qualities.

The woman I am with is boring. She doesn't have charisma and she isn't funny. She is short and has a bad temper. But I love her because she accepts me for who I am flaws included just as I accept her the same way. She cares about my happiness and she does what she can to make me happy. She's also a hard worker and a great mother. That's what's most important to me.

LaFemmeFatale_1 · Answer

What you describe as boring - sounds like a type of man I’d love to date. I am sure he does have a personality, which you just fail to see.

ObscuredBeyond · Answer

Ask the shallow "church" girls of 20 years ago, who did everything in their power to destroy those good men, while the ones who caught on to their game and tried to avoid being further made a victim were then betrayed by the very church elders that should have seen through what was happening and wanted to help them, instead being clueless and facilitating her scheme. Until he became so bitter, he was afraid to ever trust again. And since that day, has seldom ever met a woman that has been capable of convincing him that it's safe to come out of his shell. The few exceptions being the broken birds that society was all too eager to throw in the landfill and forget about, who are themselves too broken to heal him, and he wouldn't even be able to get his family to give her a chance anyway.

Ask those church girls that clueless elders blindly praised 20 years ago, who got the ball rolling, but who now are some of the least trusted of old maids themselves: "Was it worth it?"

The insufferably narcissistic SINKs will say yes, as they down brandy. The others? Their silence will be deafening. Once their true nature was exposed, the brigades of grannies that praised them as the greatest thing ever dried up like raisins. The ministers who always took her side, no matter what, now have the dorkiest grin ever. The other white knights, who still won't admit they did anything wrong, are fewer in number. Half of them died suddenly after getting their booster shot. Par for the course.

As for those men? Emotionally battered and broken. Always afraid the second they warm up to someone, they'll be accused of rape or stalking out of nowhere, and end up being interrogated by the crazy cop who just came back from maternity leave.

Also, they have nothing financially to offer. Age brings organs falling apart. Surgery. Student loans. BlackRock real estate terrorism destroying the housing market. Jobs that pay decent harder than ever to secure. Desire to tolerate the BS waning.

Kids and a dog and what not are no longer in their plans. They want to pay off their debts, win the lotto or something, get a bunker, get a hydroponic garden, and flip the bird at the outside world. Let the surface lunatics murder each other. And if it takes too long, live in peace underground. If that takes too long, at least they'll have a spacious, peaceful grave.

A wife would just be a formality, to extend their lives by a few years, and stave off totally succumbing to depression.

Lionman95 · Answer

What you describe sounds like Mr. Perfect. The issue could be is that a guy that fits in all those boxes at the same time doesn't even exist. So it could be that you have to figure out what's more important to you to start a relationship with morals and values or an interesting personality and compromise on the other one. Because people can change in a relationship and develop in different ways.

I used the description high value in the past but I don't use it anymore since different people determine high value differently. I think the core problem is that many guys are short term thinkers meaning they do mostly what's comforting and pleasuring over hard things that could help in the long run. So they either go just for sex and become fuckboys or perverts or they become nerds or get fat and eat junk food. They all follow a similar mindset to get what feels right in the moment and avoid the res. tSince there is no one bothering to help guys understand or prepare them for marriage or any long term relationship they run down their rabbit holes only focused on what they like. At some point they might realise that it's not what they wanted but it's often too late so they complain and turn bitter.

Investigator · Answer

"When I do meet a sane high quality man with great morals, caring, great character. He is usually extremely boring without a personality. I'm not even kidding. The assholes are usually full of charisma, humor, wit while the "nice guys" simply have absolutely no personality."

When women say "the assholes are usually full of charisma", what they actually mean is "he takes charge and puts me in my place", while the "high quality man" might simply act like a studious, upright boy scout who "treats women properly". This is because of a lot of women conflate "emotional turmoil" with "excitement and anticipation", because they have no sense of emotional self-regulation and getting checked on their bad behavior, instead of being placated to diffuse the situation, is a turn-on. Usually because they have no father figure in their life and no masculine energy as a result; the mother can end up being a tor**** of chaos because she's not got someone to help her regulate herself and the girl grows up thinking this is normal, that "drama/chaos is the default". Well, when you have a guy who doesn't produce those feelings of uncertainty, of "excitement", he comes across as boring and uninteresting.

Most women, an increasing majority perhaps, have probably grown up in this environment or something similar, with this mindset, and it is poison to a healthy relationship. Creating drama and tension where there doesn't need to be any, because "life is boring otherwise", is probably one of the main reasons relationships fail.

It is not your fault, if this was how you were raised, but it is your responsibility to do something about it. You can't blame your partner for your own inadequacies and character flaws, but you can get help to resolve them.

BlackBeauty90 · Answer

Hmmm. I've never had a problem finding high quality men with great morals, great character, etc. and who are interesting.

The problem is quite obviously you. You more than likely dress / act / come across as cheap / good for easy sex and not much else. WHY else have you had such "success" with losers looking for free sex.

NOTHING decent good respectable guys would EVER be interested in unless they're desperate and can't attract anyone else (like the "boring" guys you encountered).

Honeysuckle12345 · Answer

@Asker - plenty of decent respectable quality guys who are not boring exist. Problem for you is, you'll never attract one by the way you behave. ... Not only do you admit to using dating sites which is where predominantly cheap women good for easy sex and not much else can be found... but you are unnecessarily argumentative, antagonizing and disrespecting others for no reason, not listening to logical comments, etc. ... it's hard to say when you refer to many years of dating what age you are but you gotta grow up because you literally acting like a low class trailer tramp in your conduct

chicosuave · Answer

Nope you are the problem. its better if you just become lesbian and marry a girl and learn to stay with her for the rest of your life. you are delusional. You dont know what you want. its clear. By the way you think and how your mindset is programmed you are doomed to fail like most women who think this way. Most women now in days they believe their standards are average but they dont realize they are the problem. Also you seem low value to me so those high caliber men will never even look u as a potential life partner. you might be just a quick fling but nothing more to them. You will never become a high value female especially with that type of mindset. high value men prefer the opposite of what you are. sorry to tell you but you seem like the next 50 year old lady who will be single and can't even realize why you are single. good luck you will need it.

Anonymous · Answer

Because the nice guys are super isolated. That's how they became nice guys. Otherwise they would have been influenced to be like the majority of people.

But the bad guys aren't always bad. They could have just made one mistake that was not in alignment with their actual way of being. I see it a lot tbh. Especially with enemies. How can your enemy be one of your best friends friends. Makes no sense. We take one bad thing and hold on to it forever and never get to see the good of that person because of it.

Look I'm going to tell you something and if you get it you'll know what you need to do.

The only problem you have is you. The only solution is you.

If you don't get it then just go date bad guys. I'm sure they are fun besides the headache they cause.

inhua · Answer

there's always going to be trade-off and compromise for high quality spouses. that's the price to pay for one of them.

a high quality man is going to want a high quality woman. high quality men are great judges of character. you've been dating "low quality" men. that makes you low quality as well in his eyes

Anonymous · Answer

I think men are what women wanted us to be. I think the patriarchy is female sexuality writ large.

All men did was compete for the pussy. The pussy shaped men into what we are today. Misogynistic and everything else.

Because y'all LOVE to fuck the man who is a misogynist. And all men want, is a woman.

We are acting out whatever we think is going to get us a woman.

If y'all want to fix the problem, stop fucking men who are pieces of shit.

But that's who y'all love to fuck the most.

And so men will continue to copy the men who fuck.

It's on you ladies.

DextroShade · Answer

You answered your own question: when you do find sane high-quality men you immediately label them as "boring" because they don't excite you the way the asshole Chads do. You fuck the Chads and friend-zone or finesse the nice guys and then you wonder why more guys are starting to act like assholes while you're incentivizing that behavior. Your grandmother didn't disqualify your grandfather because he was "boring" and if you don't want to die alone then you shouldn't be disqualifying good men either.

DiegoO · Answer

Rephrase that question:

*Why I am failing to find a guy that match well with me?

Answer:

1. Maybe you don't give yourself enough time to heal from previous relationships.

2. Perhaps your expectations are to self centered, Disney oriented.

3. It could be that you don't know what you are really looking in a guy.

4. You have a life view where you are the victim and there needs to be rescued—hence: Disney effect.

5. Maybe your parents relationship dynamic or the absence of a father figure, egde you to believe certain characteristics in a man are beneficial for you, when in reality they are.

Friendlybro79 · Answer

I'm sorry. This has to be frustrating. We're not all like this. That said, not everyone has every trait you want. Really bad behavior shouldn't be tolerated so good for you for sticking up for yourself. You'll find someone that is right for you. Just try to keep an positive outlook because if you start to believe we're all scum you might miss someone great standing right in front of you.

People that are good for each other lift each other up and make each other better. That's not changing someone. So where one person lacks in an area the other person fills that and helps them. So if someone doesn't have everything you want but has a good foundation you will grow together and some of the things that you find lacking will come with time and age.

Not all people can be who you want too but they can and certainly are people out there that will be good for you. Good luck.

Emyyyy · Answer

Because there’s atrazine in the water lowering the testosterone of majority of men. It’s why there’s single motherhood. And majority of men and women are single. I know for a fact I’m not fucking a mediocre weakling of low testosterone. I’m not risking a pregnancy with bad genetics. 😑 Even though I’m not planning on having no damn kids “ever”.. I’m not fucking or giving pussy to a weirdo/ dork.  🤓🤓

Rei13 · Answer

The common denominator in all of that is you. There are a lot of high quality men out there but you’re not attracted to them. Not all great guys are boring, but if you only feel excited by someone that is a womanizer, for example, then you’re already setting yourself up for failure on that one. It’s okay though. You’re still young. Tastes change as you age. There is someone out there for everyone

TipsyFr · Answer

Something tells me it’s the way you go about it. If you go on dates through dating sites I find it harder to find someone decent than just going out your merry way. Meet new people socialize you’ll find fun nice people who aren’t out there constantly looking for someone. Dating sites can be a great tool I just never met anyone interesting who meet my criteria

monorprise · Answer

To be fair you are dating disproportional the men who actually brave enough to go and get the attention of women like you. Unfortunate that isn't a majority of men anymore. Just a majority of the men who want to play the market and treat women poorly. Otherwise they would have settled and wouldn't be available to you to meet.

Thou men will get more mature as they get older the ones making themselfs available will only ever more purely be jerks who don't want to settle.

cnj421 · Answer

Mindset is everything. You get exactly what you put out. If you got out there expecting all men to be low quality; that’s what you’ll get bc you’ll sabotage it from the beginning, waiting for him to fuck up. I think it’s important to take a look in the mirror and own your part in why you think men are to blame.

Unit1 · Answer

I'm none of what you described other guys to be like and I can tell you where I look for girls.

Anywhere outside. Town square, malls, grocery stores, parks, beaches, jazz clubs. Things, that cost either no or low money.

I'm not on social media. Social media is cancer.

Online dating doesn't work for me. It shows me dead profiles even after paying for a premium subscription.

JesseP1nk · Answer

Maybe because high quality men are usually boring. They work hard, study new things, being nice to people and those kind of parties:

Why is it so hard to find high quality men?

You look for beer and farts, because you are type of person that needs dopamine rush all the time.

Why is it so hard to find high quality men?

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