How to stand my ground when I'm mad at my boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

He is always late. Sometimes for 30m, sometimes for over 4hrs. Sometimes he doesn't even show up.

I could understand SOME of the lateness and the stand ups, as his work is very stressful.

However, he never calls, doesn't text, doesn't answer his phone.

I try not to get mad, but I usually end up leaving him a Facebook message, ranging from "well, I hope you're ok" to "can't believe you stood me up!". He eventually answers and gives a valid excuse (fell asleep or something), apologizes and asks me to meet him.

So I usually end up being a little upset when I go meet him but then I forget it.

Sometimes I do try to discuss what happened with him, he says that he had no way to contact me or that he is so stress with work, and sometimes even gets mad when I get upset, saying that he hates seeing me sad!

What can I do to make him realize that his behavior hurts me and, more importantly, stick with it?

[Levin]

It's not a question of how, but rather, why not? Maybe you're too scared of his reaction, scared he might leave you, too reliant on him to offer you some form of psychological comfort?

It sounds like there's a bit of an internal conflict, because there's a variance between your behavior towards him, and what should be your behavior towards him. You know what the right action is here, but presumably, it all goes back to point 1?

Anyway, his behavior is disrespectful. He doesn't value your time, he doesn't take your feelings into consideration, everything is on his terms. Presumably too, he hates seeing you mad solely because it interferes with his 'pleasant time', ie only in terms of him :)

So you know the solution is to tell him straight. Tell him that this is not acceptable, to treat you as an after-thought. But what is the upshot of that? It's leaving him if he continues to treat you badly. And are you able to?

Incidentally, his excuses are rubbish. If he doesn't have time to see you because of his other commitments, then perhaps he shouldn't be in a relationship at this moment. You make time for that which is important. And if you don't have enough time, you evaluate what is most important in life. Moreover, one doesn't have to be tied to one's phone to drop a text explaining you can't make something. It's a logical necessity and basic courtesy; if you make plans and there's some chance of them changing shape, to take your phone.

[martyfellow]

Some of us aren't wired to our phones,you know..we aren't constantly updating ourselves and others. We get preoccupied with important affairs and don't tell others what we are doing for several hours, what a concept!

He's just one of those guys, like me. It sounds like he really can't help being late. He just isn't a time manager!

Actually standing you up, though, I don't understand. No one is that busy that they just don't tell you they aren't coming, ever! What does he say about those times? He ca';t blame it on falling asleep etc.

[Anonymous]

right, stressful job or not if he cares about you he'd meet you and at least warn you that he is going to be late.

it's the least you can do. what you need to do is sit down with him in a quiet place sometime and just talk. don't show him you're upset or mad. try breathe through it. but then tell him exactly how many times he's done it and how many times he left you waiting without even showing up in the end. it's not fair on you and you aren't being too sensitive about it because any girl I know would be pissed as hell! after that talk give him one last chance. if he is just a second over an hour of being late... just leave and don't text him.

when you are dating a man you have to make absolutely sure that he knows that he can't just treat you like crap or like your not important enough EVEN when he is upset. teach him that you deserve the very best (just don't say it) and you will not accept being treated any less.

you can't live your whole life waiting for him and he has to be aware of that. it's up to you if you want to keep dating him if he still doesn't listen but in my opinion I wouldn't want to waste my time waiting for him to turn up.

[rudy37lee]

When he ignores you, you ignore him back. He doesn't show up or call? DON'T send that FB message! Wait for him to call you, and when he does, don't answer. Let it go a few hours, or a day. Then get back to him. He might start to understand when he experiences it for himself. No need to act upset with this method either, you will be upset, but act like you don't care that he stood you up and that you didn't care enough to call him back right away. This should get his attention.

[USGrant]

^This is a good idea too.

[Anonymous]

maybe he needs space? or ust let him plan the dates from now.

[Asker]

he's the one who asks me to meet him at a certain place at a certain time. then he doesn't show.

[USGrant]

His behavior is rude, disrespectful and selfish and you are in the right. People who care about each other don't do that. Does he make is family, friends, and work wait for him all the time too? When he sets up a time with you and you suspect he'll be late, ask him what time you should really expect him so you don't have to wait by the door or wherever for him. If he says he'll meet you at 6pm, ask him if he really means 9pm. I know this may escalate things but it is worth it, you shouldn't be trampeled over.