How to quit a friendship that doesn't serve you anymore efficiently

[Anonymous]

I recently realized that my two best friends were no longer serving my needs or expectations in our friendship and decided I was done with them for good.

Here's how you quit a friendship, the efficient way.

1. Evaluate if it's you or them that's the problem

Here's the thing: if you're the one that's causing issues in the friendship, you always have the option to work on yourself to improve the friendship again, and I feel that it is important that you apologize for any problems or arguments you may have caused/made worse.

However, if you're certain that they're the problem, the situation is more irritating, as you now have to figure out how to leave the friendship without hurting your feelings or theirs even more.

In my situation, my friends haven't been there for me, ever, especially in situations when I would've needed them, and it took me a very, very long time to realize just how little they've actually invested into our friendship. What absolutely made me realize I needed to end the relationship was when I clearly wasn't doing well (not responding to texts, not sending photos or videos, not talking to them for quite some time) and they didn't notice, they didn't try to help me or talk among themselves to figure out what was going on.

I finally decided to share some of my issues with them and instead of receiving encouragement, they belittled me for not tackling my issues sooner, which really was the icing on the cake.

2. Decide how you want to approach the situation

It's always a good idea to write down your reasons for why the friendship no longer works, or to talk to someone you trust about those reasons.

Then, decide what your next course of action will be. For me, it was as simple as leaving out group chat, because I knew they would reach out just once and then we'd be done with the whole thing. Other options include meeting up to talk about your reasons, giving your friend(s) the opportunity to ask questions, explain themselves, better themselves,...

3. Make sure you know what to say if they ask you what's going on

For me, I have reasons to end my friendships with BOTH of them, for things they did together to make me feel like a horrible person as well as for individual things they decided were the right call (when they weren't).

They've betrayed my trust, intelligence, tried to make sure I was lesser than them (and that I knew my place) and did nothing to encourage me or build me up.

I have several examples to back this up if they ask me what they've done, which is important, because otherwise they won't be able to improve or change.

Don't forget that while you don't owe anyone an explanation, it's good to know why you're done with a friendship before ending it to make sure you're not the one causing issues in the friendship without realizing it.

4. Handle the situation maturely

Come to terms with your decision and with your friends' absence. Don't harbour negative emotions, but realize you've gotten rid of a metaphorical cancer and that it can only look up from here.

Good luck!

Have you ever been in a similar situation?

Have you regretted the choice you made then?

[sage2021]

Yes, this has happened to me even at my age.
She and I met when we were 12 years old at our junior high school, and we have maintained our friendship up until 18 months ago.
I always kept my problems to myself so I wouldn't stress her out. Then one day I was having a problem and needed to text her about it. She didn't answer and after three days I reminded her of how I've always been there for her when she had problems. Then I asked if she was dissing me. She texted me back a hateful text saying my problem was bullshit (coming from a Christian woman). I never texted her again after she said that to me. I received a religious greeting card in the mail from her saying even though we won't be in contact anymore, I will always pray for you.

Now, does this sound hypocritical to you?

Man, after all the times I delt with my problems myself instead of telling her,
I get tossed out of her life forever. She used to sign her greeting cards to me with love, your family. ❤️

So, after being friends for 66 years it was over. All I did was ask if she was dissing me - and I thought for sure she would text me back and say she was sorry for not getting back to me but she wasn't feeling good.

WOW! It still blows my mind that she did that to me.

[myTake Owner]

I'm so sorry that your childhood friend treated you that way... Good for you to realize that that isn't right though.
It's a good trait to keep trying in a relationship and not to drop people because you found a "more interesting" person, but if someone is never there for you, insults you or is simply a bad friend overall, to no fault of your own, they're not a real friend.

[sage2021]

Thank you for the MHO 🌹 Sage

[SnowedIn]

Very well written myTake. Thanks for sharing.

In answer to your questions at the end, no, I have not been in a similar situation. I've had friendships peter out over time always due to distance or my job, but never a situation like the one you describe.

[myTake Owner]

Thank you!
Friendships that fizzle out over time are quite common too as you get older unfortunately.

[Adam1978]

I have friends because we share interests and as long as we share that interests and do the stuff I like we are friends. I don't have friends without any common factors those friends fade when they or I loose interests in our shared activities.

[myTake Owner]

That's certainly true, you need to have common interests to get along longterm and it helps with having something to talk about.

[itsalyssaagain]

I would just simply say distance yourself but keep the door open because you never know what the future might hold.

[myTake Owner]

I'll definitely keep the door open, especially since I haven't had any other friends in so many years now that it really hurts having realized that they're simply not ready for a mature, adult friendship.
I can't keep helping them with basic life questions that make me question their intelligence while my needs aren't met whatsoever. Still, I miss them, I think that's natural.

[itsalyssaagain]

Very natural. And when you learn to be alone you will find yourself so powerful and nothing can bring you down. Then you will only start giving time to people worth your while and you won’t even feel bad about it anymore. I’ve been there and I promise it gets better

[AsaKyo]

Or you can just stop talking to them, drop them and move on to make new ones

[myTake Owner]

Of course, but I think it's always good to evaluate why the friendship isn't working before you do that to make sure you're not the problem and starting new friendships constantly that can't work out because of you, right?

[RainBat]

This shouldn't be complex, literally just leave and stop talking to them.

[phild2]

Don’t pursue it carry on with your life and move forward.