Would you read your daughter's diary?

[Anonymous]

I'm torn on this. My mom read my diary all the time growing up and once I found out I was really embarrassed. I still kept it, I just hid it better. I thought to myself I would NEVER even think to read my daughter's diary. Now that I have a daughter, I'm wondering. I know I wrote things in mine that I felt I couldn't talk about with my parents. I feel that lightly skimming a page or two every now and then ONLY as a concerned parent is probably fine. I would never snoop and read it just to be nosy. If my daughter was being bullied, was a bully herself, or was in some kind of trouble otherwise she didn't want to tell us about then I feel I should know about that and her father agrees. I would also never tell her I read it in case I did find something concerning, I'd try to bring it up in another way.
Anyway that's, that's my opinion. Thoughts?

Updates

+1 y

I'm just gonna say, for the people who think my daughter "trusts" me not to read her diary, she's ONE. I'm talking about the far future. I don't even know if she'll have diary so calm the fuck down.

[btbc92]

Well here is the thing. Parents do it because of two reasons, eitger to be nosy or because they care. Caring parents don't want to read yiur diary. Just like trusting and loyal partners don't want to snoop on their partners phones, social media or do background checks. But these days you have to. The point is is that things that you feel embarrassed about it should have been told to your mother. She is a concerning mother who don't know much about your life because you're too secretive about it. When you do that then can you really blame your mother for wanting to pry? Imagine she was one of those dismissive parents? What then? Will you still say she was caring because she's dismissive? I realized that when people get so probably about these things it's because they have so much to hide that they don't really tell anybody anything. And when nobody wants to listen to them, I usually ask them this. Whose fault is that? And oftentimes default is not always the parent but the child. Not learning to Foster proper communication as a child is the worst thing you can ever do when you stop growing up. Even though I went through a lot of abuse growing up myself, I still learn to communicate certain things with my parents. As much as I love keeping the diary and stuff I can never keep up with it. Don't ask me why but my brain can hardly handle anything these days.

By the way, now you have your own daughter and the one thing that you can do is be mindful that one day you may have no choice but to open up that chapter in her life that's very private. A lot of people may say respect privacy and also the stuff but what large we do not understand, that's only with so much privacy you can keep to yourself. Because you know who knows everything besides you? God. And he knows all. So you have to look at it like this. Would you want to do things that you know God wouldn't even approve? Something you will have to answer for when it's time for you to leave this earth? Because he's a parent too. Once you're able to come up with those answers, then you'll know how to properly handle these discussions when your daughter is able to stop forming words and opinions of her Own.

[btbc92]

When you done what you done or experienced what you experienced you had one, more or all of these things going on:

1. You were very shy, introverted and wanted to people please
2. You had an emotionally abusive past and now your too scared to open up (at the time)
3. Your mother cut you off or chaste you for speaking up, for having an opinion of your own, so you kept quiet.
4. You didn't want to worry her, especially if she is a worrier herself, have anxiety, etc.
5. You were badly influenced by your peers so you did things to look cool, attract boys or hung around bad company.
6. You thought you were "all grown up" and being at a certain age (10-17) you didn't have to ask for help. You wanted to be INDEPENDENT.

When you have all these things going on, that is just a recipe for disaster. The only way to avoid this with your own daughter is to re-evaluate why you hid things from your mom, and rest assured your daughter that whatever happens that she don't have to hide. She should not have to hide these things in a diary, or journal, or bottle up inside herself. Give her a safe space to talk about anything and don't judge her. Because I'm pretty sure your mom wasn't there to judge you right? All she wanted was answers. So forgive your mom oh, forgive yourself. And remember that even as a parent, sometimes there are things that we don't want to do that we have to do. We ask for forgiveness and Hope that we do the right thing.

[btbc92]

Because imagine how many pairs end up losing their daughters because they never knew they were prostituting themselves, sending naked photos over the Internet, or end up dead because somebody raped them? If Only they'd Known. Oftentimes you can't control what your kid does. All you can do is just sit rules, set boundaries, and hope that they won't stray from it. As long as what you do come out of love, and out of guidance and patience, wisdom and discernment, and out of the things of God, there is not much you can do except have belief that your child can do it and succeed. Don't set those curses on your kids. Belief in them. Because walking in fear leads to a self fulfilling prophesy.

[btbc92]

Start forming words and opinions*

[wolfie_wolf]

No, you don't have to tell your parents everything. Learning that you can keep things to yourself and have secrets is an important part of life. My mother destroyed our relationship because of shit like this. We literally do not have one and I do not want one with her. OP is going to do the same, but that is OP's choice to make.

[wolfie_wolf]

Also don't pull out the god BS you have no idea if OP believes or not and so much of us who grew up in religious house holds are tired of hearing that bullshit. Best way to turn a child into an atheist? Raise them with religion and wait until they have a source they can question these things from and get accurate information on concepts.

[btbc92]

@wolfie_wolf

Keep your prejudice to yourself or else yiur going to blocked. If you got personal problems you deal with that with your mother. Your problems with your mother have nothing to do with me so keep the toxicity out. You don't want a relationship with your mother question mark you do you. Stop being hateful. Stop assuming everything is religious. Because God is good. God had nothing to do with religion. And your hate is why there is so much wrong in the world. People go atheist because they want to. Not because they have to. You have the right to question things, but it doesn't mean you disrespect things or people. Everything that you receive in this world doesn't make it more accurate or accurate with anything else. Because I never grew up in a so-called religious household. And I can definitely assure you that I made the choice to serve God on my own. Because even if I wasn't so cold religious I wouldn't want to hang around somebody like you would have problems anyway. Fix those problems with a professional.

[btbc92]

I can see why your relationships are toxic.

[btbc92]

Your mother didn't do anything that you already did to yourself, because your attitude and actions speak louder than your words. You never wanted to have a real relationship with your mother. You look the type of person that just wants to do what she wants. Let's just be real and honest. You sound like somebody who has behavioral issues.

[wolfie_wolf]

Sorry... It's just I see the same thing might happen here. OP reading her daughter's diary if her daughter finds out will destroy trust and once you have trust destroyed it's hard to get it back, and of course she might think her daughter won't know but kids are sneaky and they have ways of telling. Could be even leaving a hair on one of the pages or some other things I have heard of, and of course if you mess up after you have broken trust you just push the person farther and farther away from you... Speaking from experience I don't want OP to destroy her relationship with her daughter... I won't go into a god thing, bit believing in God is a religious thing just not always in organized religion if that makes sense.

[wolfie_wolf]

As far as the last part my story goes deeper then someone who wants to do what they want to do... Humans are complex with many sides and you will never see every side of anyone, no matter how close you are to that person or how long you have known them. People put walls up and develop behaviors because they have to even if self destructive to defend themselves or the people they care about... Knowing that the more OP's daughter learns she can't trust people early on the more walls there will be, and having to many walls isn't a good thing... Neither is having to few though, even if it's your mother you have to have walls... So I guess I just want there relationship to go well.

[wolfie_wolf]

People often don't put walls up in there Diary and so you see something you are never spoussed to all sides or at least all sides that person will admit to themself. It tears down everything that person built to protect themself and others and in the end the person builds even more walls because of it. The person may stop the Diary or they might just put walls up in-between themselves and their diary and even maybe eventually put walls up towards themself thinking they shouldn't have walls and denying they exist... And that is what will ultimately lead to something much, much, much, more problematic.

[CherryRoseChampange]

No, I wouldn't unless she gave me reasons to. Those reasons being she's untrustworthy or behaving strangely.

If I start seeing red flags in her behavior I'd read it as a concerned parent. Otherwise, if she seems perfectly healthy and fine. I wouldn't go near it, I'll allow her to have privacy.

[CherryRoseChampange]

I'd ask her about her behavior first though. Reading it would only be if I felt like she wasn't telling me enough or the truth.

[Asker]

Exactly. That's the only reason I'd do it too and I don't think people are realizing that.

[broken_heart_at_48]

I think if you're worried about her safety or the safety of others then it's definitely a no brainier of course you'd need to read it. Or say there's a drastic change in her behavior or somehow she given you reason to be concerned then yes I raised 4 daughters and I read 2 of their diaries out of concern because of behavior my other 2 daughters didn't give any reason, but it turned out I should of read 3 daughters diaries. Diary owner number 3 was just really sneaky about what she was doing and gave no warning signs. But when she went off track she went big. She was the perfect daughter then one day and literally just for one day she was the daughter from hell but after that day she was back on track and really didn't give us anymore problems and my youngest she's my girl she has her head on straight and is so responsible and will actually hear what we have to say and thinks things through she makes her own choices but she makes her decision wisely she doesn't just do the opposite of any advice we give her just to be a shit. She's got a good job doesn't miss any work she's daddy's girl for sure once in a while she bumps heads with her momma but never with me I believe your on the right track and you'll make great parents. As long as you do your best and try and give them room to learn on their own sometimes but always be there for guidance if needed and be fair and just. All parents make mistakes now and then so if or when you make the wrong decision or whatever be willing to admit your mistake and don't beat yourself up.

[ShineDJJ]

I would if she was showing signs of distress such as suspicious injuries, crying almost every if not every day, panic when a certain number or numbers called, or wanting to hurt herself, just to name a few. I'd also do so if I saw signs of a drug/drinking problem or the desire to harm others.
I should note that this step would be taken after asking questions (in a non-accusatory and compassionate manner of course) results in an obvious falsehood, or no real answer at all.

[mr4206969]

I'm not a parent. But you don't want to build a relationship off of distrust. You get what you put in. If she finds out you're reading her diary well she'll be more inclined to hide stuff from you, and be more sneaky. Just develop a conversational type of relationship. Have her sit at the kitchen table to eat dinner with the family, talk to her, don't give her life lessons all the time, don't talk about school talk about Tik Tok or memes, joke around, tell her stuff that's going on in your life but don't give her life lessons.

Remember: be her friend, don't let her take advantage of that, but be a friend. It'll take some time

[BroodyRuby]

Think how you felt when you found out your mom read yours. Do you want her to feel that way? My mother and I have a great relationship built off of trust. She NEVER snooped in my room or my personal belongings, never checked my phone, and we had a better relationship for it. I can’t imagine how hurt I would be if she broke my trust, my privacy is a big deal to me. Children have a right to privacy just like anyone else. It is not a privilege like some crazy parents might believe. I can understand why you might consider it, and I understand she is very young right now and doesn’t even have one yet but I would really think about it and advise that you don’t.

[Nia_chan]

I am the eldest sister and i used to read my little sister's diary, while i know i am a bitch and if i knew that someone was reading my diary I'd literally kill them.
But i really did it to just make sure that she is safe and on the right track. My parents are so ignorant and don't always really give a fuck so i kinda consider it my jop to take care of my siblings.

I discovered that she was being bullied which is sth she never talked about with anyone and i couldn't have helped her unless i read it, she is so young she doesn't even know what bullying is !!
It's wrong to interfere in someone's privacy.. but i think i would do it again to keep them safe I don't know.
Answering your question is really hard..

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not. Luckily my mom has never read any of my diaries, i've written diary since I was around 12 years old and still do to this day. As a teen I always felt I did not need to hide my diary because my mom won't touch it. I think she wouldn't because as a child her mom read her diary so she knows how awful it feels. Like imagine if you can't even feel safe to vent out your thoughts and feelings in a private notebook, how are you ever gonna feel safe to do it then? There's only one reason I would do this and that would be if my daughter was in serious trouble for some reason (god forbid) and refused to speak about it so we could help her out of it.

[honestGUY45]

OK, so your first sentence was absolutely not. Do you know what the word absolutely means? Then you say the only reason you would do it is if she was in some kind of trouble… this is what a lot of parents are talking about. Their concern for their children. You can't have it both ways. If you're absolutely not going to do it then you won't do it whether you think she is in trouble or not. So which is it? You're going to do it or you're not?

[Opinion Owner]

@honestGUY45 It would be an exception, otherwise I would never. I'm talking big trouble such as having been dragged into a life of heavy drug use or something similar and I could tell she's suffering but doesn't know if she can tell me or whatever. If it's like a danger to her life, especially if she'd be underage. Not some minor possible danger that any kid could be in risk of.

[itsallaroundtheworld]

When I was little I used to read my sister's diary out of curiosity. She would always get mad when she found out. Anyway, some years later, she found my diary hidden somewhere between the books of a bookcase and read it. She told me about it as she asked why had I written those stuff in my diary. I got mad, and asked her why she read it. She said she had found it accidentally and didn't know it was my diary. Then she added I had read her diary in the past. Uh-huh, and why is she doing the same thing to me now, when she doesn't like it being done to her?

Same with you tho I know it's not the same situation. Don't do to people what you don't want to be done to you. I understand you are concerned, but don't you think you are not trusting your daughter enough?

[wolfie_wolf]

So she trusts you not to go in it and your gonna do it anyways. Thumbs up for you "concerned parent" I don't care if you're only skimming through it every once and a while you're an asshole. Plain and simple and once she finds out be prepared for your relationship to be ruined. Kids don't have to share everything with you, you know. What if she wrote in there something very private, that she was LGBT and wasn't ready to tell you that or something like that and there you go all snooping through. No, sit down, shut up, and mind your own fucking business... I don't think I have ever been this mad at a question asked here in my life!

[Asker]

You're hilarious 😂 calm your ass down she is one year old. Aww but you're mad? I'm so sorry my question about parental opinions offended you so much, dumbass lmfao

[wolfie_wolf]

It's true, people build walls no one ever sees all sides to a person's personality... You shouldn't ever having too few walls is a recipe for disaster so is having too many. What your doing is destroying a natural balance. It will ruin the relationship I gaurentee it. It's not me trying to be rude or offended. Kids are smart and she might have a way to know if someone read it ways you'd never think of and if she finds out it will only cause her to build more walls an unhealthy amount between you and her, or she'll in some rare cases tare down existing ones and that's unhealthy too. People with bad intentions will view her as gulible and easy to take advantage of and they will. Most likely though she'll create more walls maybe she'll stop the diary or maybe she'll continue it and put walls up even between her and her own diary and eventually between her and herself and that is extremely problematic. She will find out and she will not trust you. It's like playing Russian roulette people with good luck can survive it for a long time but one day it'll kill you. This is like that you might keep it a secret for a long time but one day somehow she will know and be prepared for what comes with it.

[thegirl12]

Well I'm not really a mom but when I grow up and have a daughter I would never read her diary at all it's her personal life in that diary and I would never read it. If a mom really wants to know what a child writes in his or her diary they should ask and the child could tell them or if they don't want to they could decline and you and as a mom or dad could accept that it's there personal life and they shouldn't interfere unless the child really wanted them to know. My mom read my diary once, she was concerned for my life and asked so many questions but she left it alone because I wouldn't answer her and she knew that it was my life and she shouldn't be in charge of what goes on In it.

[MorticiAddams]

Absolutely not. Children need a sense of privacy and personal property to help them develop normal social boundaries. It's been proven that children and teens who are denied privacy and personal property in the home go on to struggle with boundaries in social situations and relationships later in life and that all a parent does by overmonitoring children is teach them not to trust people and how to lie well.

[just_chubby_]

Well well my mom never tries to go through my stuffs whatever problems I had I faced them head on and it helped grow stronger because you cannot always expect help from others if children learn the life lessons from young then they grow into a much more confident woman

[R3DthatDude]

If she is younger then 20 her privacy is mine. I’m a strict type, I don’t do that: “it’s her privacy” type stuff. Then when you look they’re doing drugs or doing something illegal and end up in a bad place or worse dead. Then you look back you could have avoided a bad situation. These are bad times, parents need to step it up. Be smart, snoop, find out what’s troubling them then figure out how to bring it up sly like so you can help your child.

[wolfie_wolf]

The more you snoop the smarter they get. My friends with the strictest snoopiest parents, the you can't even have the door close type find ways to get into all kinds of shit. So your snooping doesn't work. I used to leave a hair on the page of my diary if it fell out I knew someone had looked through it... Kids are smarter than you think, and sometimes parents think they no best when in reality they don't. My mom thought she'd always know what was going on, thought we'd always have a relationship and she admits we don't, she destroyed it by snooping, not trusting me, and doing stupid shit. So if you want to destroy your relationship with your daughter go ahead. Also in some places you can move out at 16 but definitely by 18, she will leave you and you will not see her ever again because of shit like this and it's true. What if your daughter was LGBT and not ready to come out to you, or had a problem with a friend she'd rather you not no about. If you can't trust your child and you assume they are doing drugs all the time, then that's your own problem unless she has proven you can't trust her. One of my friends who had the most privacy respecting mother, raised by a single mother is against drinking, and drugs and everything. She's cautious and smart... So your module doesn't exactly work.

[R3DthatDude]

I hear what you’re saying, but in my culture we don’t play that, you are not aloud to leave out on your own until 18-19. Basically when it’s time to go to college. But I understand every house hold is different.

[wolfie_wolf]

It's nothing to do with culture or household more to do with law. Wherever you live there is a legal age that someone can move out without their parents permission. Regardless of household rules once she's gone and it's legal there is absolutely nothing anyone can do.

[R3DthatDude]

Well that’s nice but me and my house hold I well raise my kids my way, that’s how keep them out of drugs mass shootings and other stupid stuff

[Quidthonian]

I don't have children, but the scenario can occur with a step-child. If the diary is not hidden, I would read it. I would get a general insight into her life. I know that this is invasion of privacy and stuff, but she is still my legal responsibility.
I would not confront her about any of the content inside. I would expect her to come to me or her mother with issues

[Gedaria]

I did with my next to oldest. Didn't know she had one until she left it on the coffee table in front room. It wasn't locked and had look to see what it was. I should have put it down but I couldn't, it was really personal , I found out things that I didn't think she would do...

[wolfie_wolf]

Human personalities are complex and no one ever sees all of it only the side that they want you to see no matter who you are or how close you are to a person there will always be a side you won't see. Yes, that was wrong to do but at least you acknowledge it's a mistake.

[Gedaria]

@wolfie_wolf True, it was like opening a bottle of wine. One drink is not enough. I was so transfixed.
But there was good, I could understand how she thought about things.

[honestGUY45]

If it's in my house, of course I would read it if I found it. I don't give a rat's ass what anybody else thinks. If you don't want anyone to know what you've done, don't tell anyone and don't leave a paper trail, ESPECIALLY in MY house. I value my kids well being more than their privacy. They can call the shots when they move out.

[wolfie_wolf]

This is how you destroy a relationship though... It honestly is. When your kids move out you may not see them again. Also keep in mind when you can legally move out is different depending on where you live and so you might just push your child to leave home at 16. Even if it is illegal... Unless she is unsafe she is unlikely to be brought back as run away 17 year olds aren't the cops top priority fortunately, they have better things to deal with. That's where this kind of shit gets you with a child you don't know where the fuck they are and could be dead on the street. This is a warning. You may ask what do I know as a 15 year old? But I know how people my age think and have met many who have ran away and done other things because they have parents like this. I have a feeling you will give a rats ass what others think when one of your kids has ran away or legally left as a teen.

[wolfie_wolf]

Also I assume you'd search their bedroom? If you had a daughter, a teenage daughter her bedroom? My step father never comes in my room that's so creepy... Wrong in my opinion one thing if it's your mom but if it's your dad that's kind sketchy... I wouldn't trust any guy who wanted to search my room. I'd automatically label them as a perv even if it was a family member.

[honestGUY45]

I can appreciate you trying to inform me of how the world works, but I have 2 daughters. One is 19 and the other is 14 and I've already been through everything with the 19 year old from her running away, finding drugs in her room, her going to live in harbor house, with foster parents and with her grandparents and having to pay child support. After all the court appearances and drama for a couple of years, it has come full circle and she has become nothing in society and is back at home living with us, laying around on her ass, sucking up all of our resources. I know you think that you know what's best because you are of the age that this is what matters to you most, but there is nothing that you can tell me that is going to change what I said about it being my house, I'll do what I want. When you're responsible for another human life, maybe I'll take your advice into consideration. But for now, I'll just assume you don't know shit like she didn't.

[wolfie_wolf]

When someone that young is doing drugs like that there is ussualy something seriously wrong with some aspect of their life most often home. Even though a lot of teen will use the excuse, "I do it for fun." That is very rarely the case. I'm not saying that you were that aspect of her life... But I am saying it's possible you were. I find when you project things the oldest done on to the youngest too and that distrust at least in the case of my friend, they end up even worse than the oldest. As a teen who almost all her friends use drugs or alcohol or some kinda something I would know. I know one of my friends who their sister was the sweetest child ever... And then her parents started projecting because my friend was selling drugs and she became even worse than her brother and two years younger... I'm not saying I know everything about the world but I'm saying man up for what you may have done/may do to contribute to this/future situation (s).

[honestGUY45]

Another thing that you and most other people need to realize, you don't have to have a problem in your life to do drugs. I've done plenty myself when I was younger and it was because I liked how it felt or wanted to hallucinate/trip. That's the problem with most 'counselors' is they have to point out that anything other than what is deemed normal behavior, has to have a genesis. That is not always the case. Sometimes people do things for the experience, not a remedy.

[Tephra]

My mum read my diary when I was an angsty teenager. I caught her read handed! Now I just leave mine out in the open sometimes. I dont even know if she knows its a diary but I have my top secret one on my laptop, full of dark secrets 😈

[foxygirl4ever]

Only in the case you are worried about her in harm's way and I mean seriously worried. She will never trust you because something in you will slip and she'll know. Let her have her privacy. Sometimes a diary just helps you figure life out

[baconninjadc]

If my daughter wanted me to I would. If she didn't I would respect her wishes. unless you feel that there is a safety concern. You could also just read it not tell her... If you can swallow the guilt

[Aiko_E_Lara]

I would if she leaves it open but I wouldn't bother trying to open it. That should teach her to be more mindful.

[clampfan101]

So you’re basically asking “My mom greatly embarrassed me by looking through my diary. Is it ok if I do it to my daughter, though?”, is that right?

[Asker]

No, my mom had no reason to read mine. She did because she was nosy. She read it cover to cover when I was at school and one time I heard her mentioning something I wrote to my sister. It embarrassed me then but I didn't really care and I'm completely over it now.
If and when my daughter (who, keep in mind, is 1) keeps a diary and I notice her starting to act out or show signs of being bullied or otherwise in danger and she doesn't give me an answer when I ask her, you're damn right I'm gonna try to find out if something is going on.

[iOoko]

maybe we're being too judgmental but i still don't understand why you wish to know from her diary that she can't tell you herself. if you're in bad terms with her then you invading her privacy would most likely make things worse. have you told her you're worried (without mentioning the diary)?

[Thatsamazing]

I am not an asshole, so no, I wouldn't.

People's private thoughts and feelings are just that-- private.

[cute_short_nerd]

Don’t you fucking dare. She will find out and hold a grudge.