How do you punish kids without beating them?
Well in actuality, as somebody who knows what it means to be beaten, that is no real way of knowing except understand what you don't want to do. How would you have wanted your parents to have taught you right from wrong? look at your behavior and evaluate why you behaved the way you did when you were growing up. Would you say where you mostly a good child, even tempered child, or child that misbehave? Do you believe that the kind of judgments that would hand it to you was fair or would you say it's abuse? Mind you if you're hitting your kids with anything it's still abuse.
The here is how I was able to answer that question when I thought about the idea of children before I made the decision to be celibate. When I had gotten punished for certain things oh, there were things that I can say that I needed discipline on. And there were plenty of things that I didn't. Toxic parents are just toxic parents. And toxic environments are toxic environments. It doesn't matter if you're Christian, Buddhist, atheist, or whatever you have a belief in, as a human being we are not all perfect, but toxicity has no discrimination.
An example of improper parenting are these examples based out of my personal experiences.
1. When a child talks back, most people tend to yell at the kid, if not be ready to beat them out of anger. This increases aggression and problems in a child because they're not able to really regulate their emotions. what most people don't think about is communicating with a child. Depending on a child's personality all you need to do is show them all the ways they can express themselves that is not destructive. For those who already have destructive habits you don't act destructive thinking you're going to put out a fire. But you do show them that there are consequences. But be willing to talk with the child when they are calm.
2. If a child is cursing, lying, Etc, 9 out of 10 times they learn it from the environment around them. So if you're lying and cursing and you're being a hypocrite. You should not lie to a child, and you should not be cursing. Doesn't matter if it's around a child or around other people. You got to model the behavior that you also want for yourself. That's another reason why I tell people when you have premarital sex that becomes genetic. If you're lying stealing and cheating that becomes genetic. Think about what are you bringing into your genetics not just who you pair up with.
3. Some toxic and abusive parents starts hitting and yelling at a child when they're crying telling them not to cry. All that does is make the child more anxious and then it gets worse. The best thing to do is to pull the child to decide and try to console them. Ask them what's the matter. And when a child is speaking incoherently, you don't make fun of them, you don't get frustrated, you don't act impatient. If you can't speak to the child, that's the time for you to just simply be there for them unless they tell you what they really want.
I say these are just Prime examples and they're not entirely about myself. But these are things that I think about of my own path and what I've seen with other people, and their children and their children's children growing up. Well I'm pretty sure there are literally thousands of examples oh, it's best to think about the basics that you grew up with and major concerns that you yourself wish you knew about when you were growing up. I think instead of asking how do you punish your kids, the question that you should ask is if you can speak to your parents about how to raise you what would you wish they done differently.
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How would you have wished to be corrected (note I didn't say punished) when you were a kid? What did you wish for?
I'm childfree, though I've taught kids and I've grown up with a good number of niblings. In my experience, teaching them to regulate emotions and understand the consequences of action were great.
My ex's niece once snapped a game disk trying to get it outta the box. She started crying (her parents would have screamed at her), but I just took her to the side and we both sat down together. I let her cry for a bit before I asked her to take some deep breaths with me, and then asked her what happened, why she did what she did, how it made her feel, how she thought it made me and her uncle feel, and what she should do in the future.
She was still upset, but she realized she wasn't going to be screamed at and she remembered to ask before interacting with anything of her uncle's that was game related.
In short:
1. Emotional regulation and acknowledgement
2. What happened? What was the situation and consequence?
3. Why did it happen? What was the kid thinking or feeling?
4. What are the consequences, emotionally and otherwise on the kid and anyone else affected?
5. What could be done next time? Teach the kid the correct course of action.
And, as you are I'm sure already aware, make sure if you do decide to punish, that the punishment is appropriate for the crime.
I've had parents make their kids come up and apologize to me for throwing grass on my windshield while it was parked in the driveway (brilliant - kid learns to apologize, to respect other people's property, and that strangers deserve respect as well).
Beating kids only teaches anger and fear - things that will only make them more angry and more fearful as adults. Equipping kids to deal with emotions and consequences is much more effective.
That you're even thinking about this is a great sign. Most parents would just default to what brought them up, with no care for how traumatizing it was for them.
Few people are too realistic/creative when it comes to kids. Honestly about 30% or less of the world population would make good parents up front yet 70% end up as parents regardless. That being said, the traditional means of "punishment" are old school and dumb. They usually cause bad psyche, fear, trauma, etc. Depending on what the kid did I think would justify what punishment. Let's say for example, a kid knocked over a lamp and broke it while running in the house. Many would give time out, spank, etc. Not me, e. I'd tell the kid some options depending on age/ability such as write an 500 word essay about the dangers of running inside, do research on a better solution to lighting than a regular lamp. If a bit older, may make them give a financial report about the best means of buying a replacement, whether estimating shipping costs/taxes for amazon or gas to go to Walmart as well as the time needed for either so that they realize just how costly that one mistake be. This last option I believe treats them most like an adult and therefore, makes them possibly act more like one from then on. I'd even go as far as walking them through exactly what it takes to make a lamp and buy a replacement if they are too young to research on their own and then while doing so, expect them to comment on it and ask questions. I dare somebody in the comments to come up with as sophisticated of punishments. Prob won't happen, yet no offense, how many desperately want kids? Something to think about...
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Your going to be a fantastic Mum your showing great empathy toward a child ( who doesn't exsist as yet ) Thee is no right or wrong No text book although advantages help is on Google these days Parenting is a learning curve for both baby and mother I brought up my Childrn on my own from babies and into adulthood Your father was very strict and I certainly don't agree with him beating you in such a manor Or your mother never putting a stop to such horrific and traumatic experiences That is just pure bulling How the naughty step as in your time out is based on an age For example When a child needs a punishment at 2 years old then they sit on that step for 2 minutes Without fuss or noise When they ar 3 it would be 3 mind and so on I played the 1 2 3 scenario If they didn't stop at 3 then they go on the step If they continued I sent them to bedroom If they still kept it up I would smack their wrist But wa told of by a psychologist who ( running a parenting course ) asked does anyone smacked there children So quite openly i piped up and said yes I do But only times through lives where they wouldn't comply I could count those moments in one hand My children now 22 and 20 actually thanked me for the boundaries and limitations they grew up and neither can remember that I smacked them Not bad for a single Dad with bi-pola haha
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Focus on consequences, not punishment. There are natural consequences and logical consequences. When a child can experience the natural consequences of their actions then that is punishment enough. When a child has engaged in dangerous behavior or behavior that is hurtful to others, the logical consequence is to not repeat that situation. A child who is unable to follow a rule to stay out of the street may not be allowed to play on the street side of the house. A child who is unkind during a play date may not have another play date until they apologize to the other person. My child refused to brush their teeth. I thought for a bit and said "Well, I can't make you brush your teeth or brush them myself, but if you aren't going to brush then I certainly can't give you any sugary foods." They decided that they would brush their teeth after all.
depts.washington.edu/.../nat02g.htm -
Thereāre so many methods other than beating but you need to be low key a psychologist to know how the kid operates. I donāt have kids myself but Iām around my nephew enough to be anxious about having my own kids lol. Iāve got a āif you were to do this, this is whatās gonna happenā method. So if he doesnāt want something dear to him to be taken away, he needs to behave. It usually works, I can only hope itāll be as successful with my kids lol in case it doesnāt work, I sit him down and try to have a serious conversation with him about how that would affect him or other people now or in the future etc and treat him as an adult. Kids wouldnāt understand us getting mad about mature things if we treat them like babies.
I would never beat them cause thatāll make them more distant and if they were in deep Iād want them to come to me and not dear Iād beat the ish out of them. I grew up in a very open and honest household and my parents are very close to me, Iād try and achieve the same with my family one day. -
Yeah my parents smacked me around too. Not with a belt with definitely with hard slaps and even a few hard punches from my dad. He apologized to me a few years ago but I never held a grudge against him. Now that Iām older I understand his mindset.
But the truth was I was never really a bad kid. I didnāt intentionally antagonize people or break rules or laws just for a rush. I also had undiagnosed ADHD which is something my parents had no understanding about. Usually if I misbehaved it was an error in judgment vs intentionally being bad.
My question is this. If you discipline your kid without beating them, how do they react? Do they act sullen and ashamed? Or do they mock the punishment and act defiant?
If itās the latter than I think itās okay to up ante and give them a good ole fashioned slap across the face. Make it sink in. Once is enough and maybe twice if it doesnāt get their attention. Any more than that is wondering into abuse territory in my opinion.
Iām seeing lots of young adults who were never beat by their parents who have no respect for authority and are overall 100% disrespectful pieces of shit nowadays. Thatās a huge problem in own rite. Not all authority is āevilā. Law and order is needed for a peaceful society and to protect those who canāt protect themselves. -
You cannot effectively punish a child without a physical component. For instance, my dad used to make us stand in the corner (facing the corner) when we were bad. The badder we were, the longer we had to be there. I got 5 hours once, but usual infractions were an hour. It was surprisingly effective because taking a spanking would have been preferred. This wasn't go-to-your-room and play video games, this was hard time with nothing to do but listen to the second hand on the clock tick...
It couldn't have possibly worked without the fear of physical punishment (and additional time) if we smart-mouthed or became defiant.
With today's kids, even with my generations' kids (millenials) This is why time-outs never worked. There was no repercussions for being defiant. I watched in horror many years ago when my brother tried to put his kid on a time-out.
The kid told him to go fuck himself. My brother grabbed him and said ok, fine, you get a beating. The kid wormed away and yelled at him "You can't touch me! My teachers told us that if you lay one finger on me, that I call a phone number or tell them at school and you go to jail, so fuck off and leave me alone!" . With that, the kid walked out the back door and split to hang out with his friends. My brother, also a school teacher, just sighed in resignation and told me the kid was right. Can't beat your kids anymore, or social services pays a visit and if the kid cries hard enough or lies, your goose is cooked.
Fast forward to today - it's become less like that, and I think spanking is now considered acceptable again, but who knows... It's necessary though. -
Time out is a waste of your time and energy, it only leads to power struggles and it gives singles of "you don't want to around your child when he/she is upset, which means you don't care about your child's feelings". Time out doesn't work. Time out is humiliating for the child, it can cause serious psychological problem over the years.
The best thing you can do is time in. Time in is when you and your child sit in a quit place and talk about his/her behavior/attitude. Tell your child why his/her behavior/attitude is wrong and why it's wrong, and that you don't to see him/her never do that again.
You can also set limits/boundaries, if your child cross that, you can punish him by taking away his/her privledges or other consequences.
A child and his/her parents should work together and not against each other. Create a safe space for yoru child, talk to yoru child when you disapprove his/her behavior, don't be aggressive, it will only create distance between you and your child. -
Let us put it this way
Anything which is a BIG NO NO - life threatening of one's self or another or to similiar affect, and the child does not get it, a slight corporal punishment may be required to stop something in its tracks right there. Explain later but correct that behaviour right there.
Any cultural, good to have, principle led correction will come from demonstrating the right behaviour and catching your child doing it right (and appreciating it).
See it this way, many prominent psychologists who advised us against corporal punishment themselves had children who were out of control and worse - not all but many.
When a child is made to kneel, or stand outside class etc, they are exposed to embarrassment - later they even laugh it off.
Say we do NONE of this and then in real life someone embarrasses them or hurts them emotionally, what coping mechanism do you think these kids will resort to?
Even in the animal kingdom, risks are real, and corrections do happen. Yes we are more evolved parents and so it is not ok to beat your children up because of your own frustration or unreal expectation but yes, when it is needed, it is and you need not feel guilty about it! -
I'm sorry to hear that, my dad would "punish me" because my mother would insist that he "discipline me" because she didn't know how to handle us. So I might know a little bit about how that feels. I still love them both but I don't talk to my mother for other but somewhat related reasons. I made a vow the same way. It's not that difficult, people forget that children are people as well, they know the difference between serious consequences and false threats. My mother never followed through and so she lost respect simply because she didn't do what she said she would, she did nothing. You can do many things. Take away their devices when they abuse those privileges or don't allow them freedoms when they disobey you, how about talking to them about why they're acting out. You can also reinforce good behavior, that goes a long way. When I was good even exceptional at times no one noticed, not even a compliment the worst thing you can do is be phisical or do nothing.
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By whipping their asses with a belt 2-4 times.
Washing their mouths out with soap.
Ground them and taking away things that they like or love.
By raising them well and helping them morality, right from wrong, good vs evil, etc.
You need a combination of all these things. Sometimes physical reinforcement is necessary when the other options don't work. And sometimes the none physical methods will work and you'll never have to resort spanking them or other things.
And if you do spank your kids you have to help them realize that your not doing it because you want to quite the opposite and that you take no pleasure in it. But they have to learn and they have forced your hand.
In an ideal world no parent would ever spank their kid or resort to more old school methods but the world we live in isn't ideal and it is something you have to be prepared to do. Because you can do everything right as a parent and your child could still turn into a little hell spawn that just needs to asses spanked with a belt every once in a while. -
My stepdad would literally put his hands on me, his daughter and his son whenever we spoke up for ourselves or made a protest. We used to get spanked with belts. One time, I got spanked with a drop cord by him. He slapped me in a hospital elevator to relieve frustration because we couldn't find mom on the floor she worked on.
My mom would pinch my face and tell me to stop talking back to grown ups, when I'm just defending myself like I should.
When I have children, I won't hit them with a belt nor spank them. I'll just put them on punishment, easy as that. It is not neccessary to put your hands on children and call it discipline. -
Best way for me has been putting him on a ātime outā but i dont like to make it like a punishment, I tell my baby āwe have to calm our bodies before weāre ready to come backā and I just added some breathing techniques as well and it helps you could just hear the stress the leave.
Also to help with not having a really fussy stressed baby is ALWAYS ALWAYS make sure you tend to them and never just leave them crying.
They calm themselves eventually but theyāre def going to act out bad because youāre not meeting their needs but if they know mommyās there to help and no Matter what than honestly it really helps with behavior 😁 - 509 opinions shared on Family & Friends topic.
1. As an adult you have control of 100% of the things a child finds enjoyable. You can restrict the kid's access to those things. Examples: tv, internet, candy, phone.
2. You can force them to do things they don't like that happen to be good for them too. For example physical work or exercise. But it has to be done in a safe way. If you have no clue about the exercise/work OR you haven't done it yourself don't even think about making a kid do it. And you have to make sure it's done safely (water, protection from sun/cold).
The main thing is that you have to be consistent. If the child disrespects you or disobeys an instruction there has to be negative consequences for them 100% of the time. You need to clearly spell out for them why they are being punished. But don't punish them for genuine accidents or mistakes. -
Mhhh... My parents would normally forbid me stuff, and maybe hide gaming devices, toys, disconnect TV or things like that. I also remember they won't talk to me until I show some remorse. Also it's common in my country to say "el coco" is going to eat kids alive if they don't eat their food.
When I've been taking care of my little cousins I would twll them to stop a behavior if is wrong. I'd explain why if they ask. Then if they ignored me I's stop playing with them and behave upset. They normally want me to pay them attention and play with them, so after a while they would come to me with a softer attitude and that's the moment they would listen and be open to negotiate about their behavior. If that doesn't work I make toys and things "disappear" and let them have a tantrum for as long as they need. -
I don't have a lot of experience with children, but I think they're more reasonable than they're normally treated and the first step should be to explain why they shouldn't do something. Also, a bit off topic, but when I see a lot of children misbehave it's intentional because the parent isn't paying attention to them and that's all the child wants and the easiest way to get attention is by doing something bad. Okay, next, I think the step is to take away privileges they already have. Take away a toy, or a treat, or activity. Lastly, I think you can punish them by putting them in timeout, making them sit in a corner, or go to bed early.
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The answers were a bit unexpected, I didnāt know so many people codone beating their children in this day and age. When. I was young I was also on the other side of the spectrum , so I highly just recommended scolding or showing them the negative consequences of their actions. In that way they can learn from themselves and know not to do it next time (except for situations where they are in danger)
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Create a Villain, pretend to have their number and call them to come kill or eat the child if they don't behave, this worked on one of my little sisters. The youngest one now doesn't believe in that stuff, so glad I don't have her around because I cannot deal with that.
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Punishment doesn't mean anything without explanations. Kids are a lot more intelligent than adults tend to give them credit for. A lot of the time, they will do something simply because they KNOW they're not allowed to, just out of curiosity. It's a survival mechanism after all, "Let's see what this supposedly bad thing is so that I can understand it and know how to best avoid the threat it poses". They will do things imply because they want to see why Mom and Dad told them not to. When you punish them, make sure that you sit down and explain to them WHY what they did was bad, otherwise they're just gonna want to do it again. And the more you punish them, the better they're gonna become at hiding it from you.
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Try and give them rewards for being good, instead of punishment for being bad. You can then use it in creative ways. Like giving them an allowance as long as they do well in school. Once their grade starts slipping, stop giving it. Without preperation, telling then that you are disappointed is a good one, but those kind of punishments should be very rare, otherwise they'll get used to it. Lastly, just take away something they like, their phone, internet, being able to do a sport (for a limited time), etc.
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That was abusive I was heating with the laptop charger thrown against the walls. My mom would get into arguments with my dad she would come into my room and punch me beat the hell out of me with the belt her excuse was she was stressed. Now I do not speak to my mom and I hate her guts.
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I would take away anything they value: Freedom, Entertainment, Allowance, etc.
Also make them write about what they did. Make them talk about what they did.
It would be painful for them because even kids do not like admitting when they are wrong or giving up what they love. -
Time out is a good one if you just want a one-size fits all approach. If you want to be a little more involved, the approach that Iāve read is effective is basically pulling the kid aside and sitting with them, talking through their behavior until they calm down and then figuring out together what can be done to fix any damage they may have caused (by apologizing to anyone they were mean to, for example). This way the kid feels listened to, and they actually learn something.
And thank you for taking the initiative to fix the mistakes your parents made. So many people just throw in the towel and say āwell I turned out okay.ā As someone who was abused as a kid (to a degree that the law would consider abuse, I donāt just mean spanking), I consider spanking a form of child abuse. And psychologists agree with me.
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