Why was his dad like this?

[Anonymous]

It was my first time meeting his dad & he would joke with him but pick on him in front of me & say stuff like you have to know stuff about your major sports something and was saying he doesn’t know much about each sport. And then I said he’s a cancer theyre funny and chill and his dad said “you’re a cancer? you’re funny & chill whattt” just joking with him but still… His dads a veteran and big and strong and he was giving off intimidating yet nice vibes. they’re relationship okay but you could tell he doesn’t want to disrespect his dad and say anything in a wrong way. He gave him a death stare once lol.. but he loves his dad don’t get me wrong but i was so confused

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1 y

he also made one joke like you couldn’t find anyone better than him. and i said huh and said oh nooo he’s perfect and said that’s my love

[SteveSmith1985]

This is basically an example of a grown-ass-man acting like a little boy.

The motivation for his father's behaviour is the exact same thing that'll make a 12-year-old boy act like an asshole to his friends in front of a girl... in a misguded effort to... essentially "look cool" (while actually coming-off as quite off-putting).

I realize that's maybe hard to believe... seiing as how this man raised a grown-son and has seen war. But I guarantee you THAT IS what's happening here.

I don't know if it's a misguided effort to show one's dominance over others in an effort to impress a girl, or if it's a matter of trying to make yourself appear better by making others seem 'worse'. But... it's silly-immature bullshit most guys outgrow by the time they're done high school (often way before that).

Now, I know you're thinking..."but wait... this was my boyfriends's DAD... why would this dynamic exist between a father and son?"

The answer to that is: It's usually NOT a dynamic you find between a father and son. It's one that certainly not unheard of... especially if his dad isn't THAT much older than him (e. g. a 40 year old dad and 20 year old son). I would think it's more likely to happen, the more the father-son relationship is one of "peers" as opposed to the more traditional father-son power/respect dynamic. But... yea... it's kind of fucked to see a Dad act that way towards his son, in front of his girlfriend. But... that's you're answer. 🙂

[Asker]

yeah it was shocking to me his in his 50s he’s had 3 wife’s so far so it explains a lot the last one just recently moved out so i dont know if he was jealous or what but those comments and more were awkward. He gets him gifts and stuff but I can tell somethings very odd about him.

[SteveSmith1985]

I would imagine it would be shocking. It's totally inapropriate behaviour on his part. It's an awkward moment all-around. Your boyfriend is going to be aware of what's happening... and I'm sure he was both furious and mortified.

Now this guy might be one of those gross-dad's who has a history of... being weird with his son's girlfriends. Or it could be that he's on particularly shaky emotional-ground from his wife leaving, that he's acting in a way he normally doesn't/wouldn't.

But what sort of conversation with you boyfriend did you have after this? DID you and your boyfriend ever talk about this? Was his dad's behavior acknowledged openly between you two?

[Asker]

yes i did and he said he always trying to pick on him sometimes and i said oh ok but some of the jokes were out of hand and unnecessary I said he should talk to him and he said he didn’t want to make it a big deal. and I said knowing his dad he would probably say “oh mike felt real hurt with my comments last time” & do stuff to make him more embarrassed. and my boyfriend thanked me for defending him sometimes slightly since it’s his dad. his dad knew what he was doing though my boyfriends respectful and wouldn’t tell his dad stop even in a slightly joking manner or anything. sometimes I kept quite too so he can speak up for himself. it was like watching a “big bully vs a nerd”. but oh well

[SteveSmith1985]

Yes, this is unfortunately something that can't necessarily be solved by "talking to him about it". Trust me... I am ALL ABOUT the whole "have an open and honest conversation" as a nearly universal solution. But with a weird father-son relationship... it's just not that simple. The main reason for that, is the inherent power-dynamic in that type of relationship. It's not like talking to a 'peer'. But more than that, there's a lifetime of "whatever" between them. If your boyfriend thinks that his father is likely to react a certain way, he's probably right.

I think the critical thing is that your boyfriend sees/feels like you're "on his team" with this. I don't think he needs encouragement to stand up for himself, nor for you to defend him nearly as much as he just needs you to be on his team. I ALWAYS tell people to stand up for themselves. But, again, the father-son relationship here makes this more complicated.

I think the best way to explain what I mean is:

"Do everything you can to make sure your boyfriend DOES'T think that YOU see it as a bully picking on a nerd".

"More like... a father being an asshole to his son for no good reason"

Does that make sense?

[Asker]

oh yess i didn't like using that nerd vs bully analogy but yes he knows i told him it wasn’t nice and unnecessary he thanked me for defending him. but i’m going to pray things get better.

[SteveSmith1985]

It's more that you don't see him as "the nerd". That he knows you see that this speaks negatively to his father's character. Not that it speaks negatively to his (whether it's the things his dad says, or the fact that he allows his dad to get away with saying it).

Good luck though 🙂