How do you feel about your parents growing older?

[letuswaltzforthedead]

Who do you think should take care of the elderly? would you put your parents in a nursing home when the time comes?

question inspired by all the boomers on here, you know who you are.

moral of the story, don't put parents in boat

[SnowedIn]

As always a great an insightful question by the illustrious @letuswaltzforthedead

Took me a while to get to the question -- as she well knows an old boomer like me needed time to push my walker to the computer and then find my reading glasses.

I struggle with this question. Both of my parents have already died, but we face this question for my wife's parents and also for ourselves.

Where I struggle is with my own selfishness. Full time elder care is exhausting and all consuming -- based on what I've observed in my and her family with grandparents and aunts, uncles, and so on, caring for the elderly was exponentially more consuming that raising our children and much less rewarding. I'm not proud of how I feel about this and I'm sure the haters on this site will come for me, but at least I'm honest.

I'm looking at this, too, from an American perspective -- I have no idea how it is elsewhere in the world. I know I don't have any of the answers but I know that a huge part of the problem is cost and another big piece of the problem is that we've turned elder care and nursing homes and hospice care into for-profit industries and that exacerbated that problem with the insurance industry. It's really no-win.

This was sort of a long way around to I face my wife's parents growing older with trepidation and concern. Concerned about getting them the right care that they deserve and not knowing if that'll be available, or affordable, or several other factors.

So, a lot of uncertainty and I don't do well with that.

[letuswaltzforthedead]

Forgive me for calling you out, old man.
I get it though, I don't expect everyone to approach this the same way (I hope this question didn't come across as judgmental towards anyone). Are you two still trying to figure out a plan for this?

[SnowedIn]

I didn't feel called out at all you young whippersnapper. ;) In fact, I appreciate you have a brain and aren't afraid to use it and that you can joke and tease.

And, in your reply (as you noticed in all the responses) you identified something important -- it's different for every family. And often a source of contention within families.

And, yes, we're still trying to figure out what to do. Some of the unknowns are that her parents are still relatively young; both of them are 62. It helps that her dad has excellent insurance from his time in the Navy -- that's going to make a big difference. Another unknown is just shape they'll be in, right? If they "just" get old, that's different than if there's dementia or Alzheimer's or a host of other issues. The final complication is that my wife's siblings are significantly younger than she is and so it's really difficult convincing them that there's urgency to this discussion. Add to it all my hesitancy to address an issue that's uncomfortable and it is a stew to make our way through.

[letuswaltzforthedead]

Thank you for taking the time to explain it (the siblings thing is kind of as I would imagine it would be like but I hope they eventually understand too). There's a million different ways old age can go as and hopefully it goes the best way opposite for them. It sounds stressful to get old

[SnowedIn]

Stressful it may be. For me personally it's stressful as much as it is inevitable and inevitability often clamors for urgency. The devil in the detail is accurately assessing the real urgency.

[normalice]

I haven't spoken to my parents in over 20 years so my only memories of them are when they were 20 years younger. They are already older. They might even be dead.

But in general the concept of aging seems so foreign somehow, despite the fact that it is universally true. Indeed, what's weird about how weird it feels it that it is life that is the anomaly, as effectively 100% of the universe is dead. I think because we as children had to learn permanence that our minds might overcompensate and assume everything is permanent. And so we didn't really understand the gravity of things having an end, with too few memories of a beginning for us to want to cling to. Now, I can't even think of having children of my own without feeling bad for my part in their great great great grandchildren mourning the death of their grandparents. It's irritating to consider how futile everyone's struggles are in the long run. The only thing that might be permanent is society and that's only possible if we can be sure that all the teenagers and young adults 100 years from now, when all of us are dead, will want to maintain the same society. But we don't even want to maintain it now, so..

[Anonymous]

This past year had been particularly hard watching my parents age. They had me almost at the age I am now, so they are double my age. In 2022, my dad got cancer, my mom needed major surgery and now requires a cane most of the time. I'd never thought of them as old or aging all that much until I started to see the effects of it because they've been lucky and have taken care of themselves and haven't really had any issues up until this point. With the exception of one, all of my grandparents died about five years or so after the age they are now, so I'm really starting to put more emphasize on making memories, taking pictures, having them spend time with their grandchildren and all the things so god forbid when the time comes that they are no longer with me, I haven't wasted time not spending it with them.

[Genie23]

I could never put them in a nursing home. It can get pretty scary at times and pretty depressing when they get too old or gotten weak due to some health issues or accident.

They've taken care of you for at least 18 years, I think people should look after them as well when they reach a certain age or have been sick. Besides, nursing home can help you by looking after them but they can't give them love and that's what elderly people needs the most. If they stay in nursing homes for a long time, they'll eventually get lonely and depressed and die sooner.

[Rosexøxø]

Lol

it’s crazy because I was literally just thinking about this, yesterday, and the day before.

How do I feel about it?

It’s a sad coin of truth to bear. 🪙 It’s essential, and will value me in the long-run. I just don’t see the last 5% of value to it yet.

If I have the means- it would be ideal 💸that I take care of my parents.

If I don’t, I would have to opt. for a senior place, and check up on them ALL the time.

Its just..

I don’t really trust these places. Who WILLINGLY wishes to obtain a career in ‘watching and caring’ for the elderly?

I would, if it didn’t mean cleaning them. They have a special place in my heart. 🤲

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

My father died in June, so I am not particularly concerned about him growing older. He was 63 but he lived in a mansion and was very wealthy. Nowadays I mostly assist his much younger widow and my half-brother, who's still a kid - young teen, but still a kid in my eyes.

My mother is 45 and very youthful, she currently lives with me and my wife. I'd be glad to take care of her for the years to come, but she keeps saying to not count on her sticking around much because she wants to travel and have her own adventures.

[melanieeeB]

Stressed as fuck!
I know that my mom can't work for much longer and I pressure myself that I have a max. 10 yr. time deadline to achieve the house for her and make way waaaaay more money to be able to afford my freedom and her living and my siblings/other family members future too. The only good thing is that she will get some money from the state but it's not enough.

[PBandJ_Nerd]

Not really sure. All I know is that their bodies start hurting or aching for some reason, they can't remember things as well, they have to change their diet to less carbs & sugars, and they might retire at some point. One thing I've learned though is that you're young for a long time. Once you reach 60, that's when things have to change. But I do the housework while they're both at work.

[Agape93]

Amused. Assuming they didn't have another kid, being in early 60s, they're going to start going downhill. I enjoy knowing the dread that as their bills pile up, as their health starts degrading, as they lose family one by one. Above all, I enjoy knowing that they know, they will never recieve my help or my money. Fuck em.

[HighValue]

If I can afford it eventually, I'd like to build one of those accessory dwellings in the back yard in the future. It is basically a studio apartment with a kitchen, bathroom, and one large room that is a combination of Livingroom/bedroom. So that way my mom could still live independently, but she could still talk to me and see me more often and not need to be concerned with home security since I would be in my house in the front.

[TheNameIsRob]

All I have to say is if your parents were at least decent to you growing up you had better spend time with them and tell them how much you appreciate them. One day they will be gone and you will wish you had spent the time or you’ll be so glad you did.

[Sour-rose]

It only means they've done their job for me and I cannot stay around them much longer. they aren't getting any younger and eventually, i fly on my own. As long as they're still alive, I'll be able to see them again.

[Msputiton]

So far they still kinda young but when they get older I will really be sad

[letuswaltzforthedead]

Do you worry about it? Or not for now?

[Msputiton]

Not rn. Because they very active and act young.

[letuswaltzforthedead]

Alright, that's good at least. Hopefully you all are blessed with many [good] years ahead

[Msputiton]

Thank you🥰
Hby? You worry bout yours

[letuswaltzforthedead]

Not much, I'm kind of lucky that it's expected for families to live together (in the same house or neighborhood) instead of sending parents away or sending kids away when they're old enough.

[petitedollbabee]

It scares me, and while I’m much closer with my mum than I am with my dad, the thought of either of them withering away makes me incredibly sad. Which is normal I know.

[just_a_potato]

Treat me like shit all you want now, who will help you when you fall on the bathroom floor while taking your blood pressure meds, dad? 😈

[Guardian45]

It fills me with both joy and terror. My Dad died 9 years ago. Mom lives with me and I take care of her, cuz I have no siblings.

It's wonderful to see her enjoying her remaining years, but terrifying to know it can't last forever!

[DizzyDesii]

My mom would get an in home nurse. But if that fails, nursing home it is

[dustybiker]

Nursing homes are often the cause of death. It was in both of my parents cases. Both times I was talked into it.

[letuswaltzforthedead]

How come? How did it happen? (If you don't mind me asking)

[dustybiker]

Not on GaG. Hope you understand.

[letuswaltzforthedead]

Yeah, I understand. I'm sorry

[dustybiker]

Thanks.

[Fuentes]

I feel like in the future I would have to have a medium sized ADU built in my backyard for my mom. I'm the only one who has enough patients for her.

[exitseven]

My parents both died relatively young so they never got really old and incapacitated.

[Sparkie460]

My parents are gone already. I'm the youngest of my family and I took the best care that I could of them

[es20490446e]

When the time comes I will know better what is more appropriate.

[Justneedtokno]

Difficult we know it’s a part of life but sometimes it’s hard

[Levin]

You'd probably put me in a nursing home at my age, brat :(

[letuswaltzforthedead]

I'll bring you some Legos, don't worry old man

[Levin]

Well, guess who's grounded!

[letuswaltzforthedead]

:( so no cookies or Legos?